I totally plagiraized this from Pia on the other Script Club thread, though I necessarily altered it here and there. She just said so many things so well...so why not?

This script is written by mcornetto, the moderator of the writing game which is currently Shiva. This is a fresh revision put up only last week, and it's highly thought of even by Dreamscale, so let's tear it apart at our first available opportunity.

Read the script here.
If you want to give a review, do it here. From my own perspective, it couldn't hurt to post reviews since that not only gives the author some detail beyond the Script Club, but it also pops the script's thread into the recent read thread portal (something I kept hoping for on mine, but never happened).

Again, we're not rushing it. We'll give it a week before discussions start so everyone who intends to participate will have time to read it.

We're starting with the first impressions, so consider that while reading it through. First impressions are important so I would like to know what your first impression was after reading. Something simple like, Good, Great, Boring, Slow, Exciting, Scary or whatever. That may also help us later to narrow down why we felt this or that and where the problem areas might be.

I would still like to discuss this script in this order, though if we wear out one topic, we can totally move on:

First impression
Story/structure/plot
Characterization/arc/journey
Dialogue
Writing
Commercial appeal

See you all in seven (six?) days... well, the eighth, anyway.

Something about unlocking this one or something?

My first impression on this one was that I really enjoyed it. It was funny, sick, sexual, weird, and amusing all through it. I thought it was very well thought out, though there were a couple of things here and there that I found a bit too far out, and maybe it's just me.

That's what I think though...

I’ll try to keep to one predetermined topic at a time, starting with of course -

First Impressions

I like the premise, once I understood what was going on that is (more on that with the next topic). About three quarters of the way through I started to get a BEETLEJUICE vibe from it, which is a good thing (I only wish that had started earlier).

Frankly, I didn’t think it was all that funny, which is important in a comedy - right? Now I’m not saying it’s totally unfunny, just not as funny as the premise allows. This seems like an absurd (in a good way) story, and the author sets up scenes and situations that could make good use of that, but he doesn’t push it far enough to make it work overall and pushes it too far in a few spots - musical numbers anyone? (more later).

I won’t elaborate anymore just yet, but one more thing:

The ending blows! That’s brutal, I know, but the last seven pages feel like a huge “screw you” to the audience. Ending the story like that ruined most of the good will I had toward the script, and I definitely had some. Well, I still do actually.

In summary: Premise: B+, Execution: C, Ending: F.

I’m looking forward to discussing all that’s right and wrong with it for this is certainly a story that’s worth more work.

I did get to read this on Saturday morning, my impressions, in order, are as follows...

P1 - mmmm.. breasts. (In a Homer Simpson style)

P5 - okay, so Cornetto has written a teen horror set on a movie set, I can live with that. Looks promising so far.

P12 - Really good suspense being built with the old abandoned building, good read.

P19 - mmmm... more breasts.

P27 - Really good, even the movie scenes are working well, like the Nicky/Gee thing, a great B plot really.

P31 - WTF? This is getting a bit weird now, what's with all this dancing?

P50 - Sometimes Great, sometimes weird, I'm hungry now, gonna stop and go for breakfast.

P52 - Girl on Girl, never a bad thing.

P53 - okay, sometimes a bad thing. So here comes the horror.

P58 - now I see where we are going, original premise, could be good.

P74 - Not sure about this now, Where is this all heading? Probably the weakest section of the script.

P81 - I think the song and the beach scene saved it, Still very weird, but think it worked.

P98 - Ripped through the last 20 pages, good action and entertaining read.

P106 - What have the Imps got to do with anything? Must of missed something. I actually like the end, I think it was the right ending for this script.

Overall probably the strangest script I have ever read on SS, probably does not work as well on paper as it would on screen. With a very good showman type actor playing Kobal with tounge very firmly in cheek I could see this being very good.

Reminds me somewhat of the Rocky Horror Picture Show, is Cornetto the new Richard O'Brien?



Anyway, those were my thoughts while I was reading it. I am away this week so will not be online as much but will be adding my thoughts as this script club progresses. Although I liked it overall I do have some issues, as well as some praise of course.

My first impression is weird but cool.

Enjoyably quirky.

My first impression, and I mean my literal, first impression just based on the beginning, was that this was VERY campy.  The opening half of the script felt that way to me, and I even wrote in my review on the script's thread that, had it continued that way, I would have recommended adding more boobs and sex and pitching it to Skinemax.

Then, it took a turn and the story got much more interesting.  It still ended up being campy, but it was more of the fun variety than cheesy.

Funny...that's my first impression.

Also, is it just me, or did Michael go all Dickens with the characters' surnames?

I did find Doris O'Day amusing... I half expected a Stone Hutson or something to be her co-star...

Glad we're started now!

My first impression here is that ths is easily one of the wildest, whackiest, most unique scripts I've ever come across.  I also find it very, very laugh out loud funny at times, while other attempts at humor were too over the top and contrived.  I think Cornetto obviously spent alot of time on this and I feel it shows.

The plot is all over the place and it takes awhile to get going, although the beginning is still enjoyable.  For me, the last 30 pages or so are where it take a turn for the worse, as it just gets way too goofy and bizarre, but I bet that alot of people will feel exactly the opposite.  Same with the ending...it's very creative and out there, but I'm not sure it works and fits with the tone of the entire script.  It's definitely a love it or hate it scenario with the "from left field" ending.

My biggest concern here, is what audience is this going to appeal to?  (and yes, that was a first impression I had)  It's obviously a zany B movie at heart, and it falls into the horror genre, but with all the black and over ther top comedy, the singing and dancing, the graphic violence, nudity, and adult themes, I feel that a core audience is a tough sell.  That doesn't mean that it doesn't work for me in many ways however, and couldn't work for others as well.

As a final note, I want to throw out some of my favorite characters I've ever come across...Master Choreographer, Prima, and of course, little Rudolf!  Just wish they didn't disappear from the script the way they did (I think it may be a good idea to have them be the ones that deliver the strip-o-gram - that would have made that scene downright hilarious!!!!

Great effort though overall!

I know we will discuss commercial appeal later, but I just want to respond to Jeff's comment in regard to that.

Think of all the bizarre movies out there that clearly don't appeal but to a very small group of people and still have been commercial successes and become cult classics even.

I think if something is totally bizarre, but good, then it can definitely be considered to have commercial appeal.

I agree 100%, Pia.  I'm not trying to say at all that this doesn't have commercial success appeal.  I'm just saying that one of my first impressions was that I wondered what kind of audience it would appeal to.  I se it as a love/hate kind of thing in terms of its viewers.

I don't know.  I think being a commercial success and/or a cult classic are mutually exclusive.

You look at movies like Office Space, Idiocracy, Bubba Ho Tep or Army of Darkness (Mike Judge and Bruce Cambell kick...weird) and while they didn't tear it up at the box office for one reason or the other, they're now often talked about in the pop culture realm.

Quoted from Shelton My first impression, and I mean my literal, first impression just based on the beginning, was that this was VERY campy.  The opening half of the script felt that way to me, and I even wrote in my review on the script's thread that, had it continued that way, I would have recommended adding more boobs and sex and pitching it to Skinemax. Then, it took a turn and the story got much more interesting.  It still ended up being campy, but it was more of the fun variety than cheesy.

I need to press on and finish reading this...but I agree with Shelton's opening remarks.  It is "campy" in a good way so far.  I will refrain from chiming in until I have finished it now.  

Quoted from Dreamscale Glad we're started now! For me, the last 30 pages or so are where it take a turn for the worse, as it just gets way too goofy and bizarre, but I bet that alot of people will feel exactly the opposite.

I think that this comment helps us to pinpoint an important problem with many stories/scripts. It's important that:

The writer clearly defines "the world" in the beginning. We are forming an unwritten contract with the reader in the beginning as to "the kind" of story to expect.

Even in the case of Killer we had the same problem because the tone started one way, but it advanced rapidly into a completely funny kind of script. All well and good if it would have been founded in the beginning, but it was taken in a different direction due to the unleashed nature of that particular game.

In the case of Demon Beach, my first impression (at the beginning) was to expect a different story.

The use of the word "perfect" was clever and I thought uh-oh-- I know things are going to take a turn. I had thought however, it was going to take a much faster turn.

I started questioning in the beginning of my read: Why the beginning was chosen to be the beginning. I felt the writing was really good in the beginning, but somehow it felt out of place. (That thinking was after the fact- at about page 15 when the mysterious man on the film is revealed.)

My general impression was that this is a really good premise that just needs to be worked. I think the beginning needs to work harder to incorporate the elements you want to bring into this, including the dancing. The "all the world's a stage", needs to be worked into the beginning too.

I'm not sure yet how to go about this considering the fact that the second plot line almost takes over. Perhaps this might be a problem that I didn't realize before. Maybe the whole Gee and Nicky thing needs to be collapsed and only show snippets of it.

Another first impression was of the tendency of "overwriting".

For anyone who wants to read more on that in regards to this script, I've got some comments on the Demon Beach thread.

In this scene:

She sniffles as she wipes her tears on her sleeve.

The light on her mobile once again catches her attention.
She grabs it off the bed stand, her thumb hovers over the
buttons. Then she changes her mind and pockets the mobile.

She stands straighter, wipes away the last of her tears,
accepts her circumstances.

With her renewed strength and a grunt Gee lifts the large
luggage off the bed, then she picks up the other smaller
luggage.

She stops, as she reaches the bedroom door and gives a
bitter-sweet glance over her shoulder.

*I thought that you might shorten the descriptions and play-by-play account of what is happening here and simply write something that has punch.

So what you need to do is try and encapsulate her transitioning in her mood in a short dramatic way. I'm just right now thinking of a cliche way, but it works and it's this:

She pulls the last tissue from the box and blows. She tosses it into a pile with the rest of crumples. An angry look at the box and it's over. She chucks the empty tissue box at the wall then sees:

NICKY'S PICTURE.

She grabs it to chuck. Like a frisbee... No!

Gee draws the picture to her heart for a bitter-sweet moment, then places the picture, face down on the table.

I think that this is a good example of how we need to take apart our own scripts and determine how much time needed to bear weight on something.

To me, the most important thing that needs to happen in future rewrites is to find a way of integrating the "cold chill" elements into the beginning of the script rather then focusing on 5 pages of "the shoot" and the problems of Howard Hawker.

I think it takes too long for Cameron to come into his own as the main character.

Maybe you could show him seeing Howard Hawker being Howard Hawker, but his vision over blows him. So you could perhaps show some snippets of the movie in progress and of course the characters, but move more swiftly "somehow", (God only knows how at this point) but somehow into the mustache man scene.

Maybe if you pretend it's only an hour show. If that were the case, then I think maybe the first scene might show them together analyzing the film and all of a sudden-- "Wait a minute! I didn't shoot that!"

I think a big part of my first impression was that the concept needs to be more fully drawn up in the beginning.

This might be one of those cases when we have to kill some of our darlings. It always sucks to have to do that.

Sandra