Quoted from Max If the last one was in two sentences tho. A cockroach scutters over Guy's feet.  He SCREAMS at the top of his lungs. Still not as good as the sentence starting with Guy, imo, but passable I think I would say that one is alright, but maybe not the hands shaking one.

Hmm, I dunno, I find screaming cockroaches very undignified and embarrassing.  

Quoted from LC Hmm, I dunno, I find screaming cockroaches very undignified and embarrassing.

Lmao, you could read it like that but cockroaches don't have lungs.

Defo Guy screaming, haha.

Dunno, is it written in a way where, you would read it as the cockroach screaming? That's probably my bad, again

Quoted from Max Lmao, you could read it like that but cockroaches don't have lungs. Defo Guy screaming, haha. Dunno, is it written in a way where, you would read it as the cockroach screaming? That's probably my bad, again

Watch out for ambiguity, that"s all I'm saying - though it can result in a laugh.  

Quoted from LC Watch out for ambiguity, that"s all I'm saying - though it can result in a laugh.

There's nothing funny about a screaming cockroach Libby.

Check yourself bruh.

You improve by reading... not by writing.

Quoted from Dreamscale Not to cause an uproar, but DS's examples are actually perfect examples of what I said - "When a writer tries to rework lines, looking to change them up, the result is often poorly constructed, awkward sentences." That's what these examples are, sorry to say.

No uproar necessary. Those were indeed throwaway sentences that I came up with in a minute, which ended up reading simplistic and awkward, but the point of those examples were still the ideas behind them. I wouldn't say those are half as poor as my off-the-go examples.

It gets incredibly complex when you move further up the chain.  I'm guessing all of us here have a basic understanding of stuff like subjects, predicates, simple sentences, compound sentences, complex sentences, independent clauses, dependent clauses, comma splices, run on sentences ect.

If not, I suggest you try and learn about all of the above, and more.

There's a whole of layers to this shit, even more than I thought.  When you come to the realization that you can't half-ass this shit, a whole lot of doors open for you as a writer.

I personally don't write with that flowery style. I prefer simple sentence structure when it comes to screenplay writing.

I'm glad people found this topic useful anyway.  I hope more people chime in, because there's a lot to uncover, and it almost makes me wish that I had a higher formal education in this stuff.

Quoted from Max What's the best way to eliminate ACTION lines starting with character names, and he/she? Any tips for this? I'm currently editing my script and would appreciate a little advice. In some instances, it's like I can't think of a better way to re-word things, and that's down to a lack of experience on my part. I'm guessing you'd just re-work it like... Max sighs > A sigh from Max, but even that seems a bit odd to me. It does look a bit dodgy when you stack action lines beginning with character names and he/she, need to iron that stuff out. Some examples of how you guys do it would be great.

Keeping the focus on who is doing what is important.

Bob shoots the dinasour.

Jane peels off her dress.

Jimmy speaks to Lassie.

It's a script, not prose. Starting an action sentence with someone doing something and being specific about who is doing it is not a sin, it's necessary. Far too many times I have been confused by who is doing what simply because of poor writing. It's a script; be clear.

I've read through the posts and the good insight. One such was the nervous thread. One thought is what does the character do when nervous? Eye twitch? Fix their clothes? What is making them nervous? A dreaded phone call? Door ring in the middle of the night?

The other part is the ly and ing words. There are better ways to write a sentence and the best script way is active tense, although a passive tense won't kill you.

When entering a scene Jason is sitting at a desk vs Jason sits at a desk. The former is passive the latter active. What is more important is HOW Jason sits. Is he slumped? Slouched? Stands before the desk? Feet kicked up? Each conveys a reaction from who sees it, if the reaction is important (if not ditch the scene). If he is slumped then it would indicate maybe he's dead. Slouched? Maybe he failed his test that was so important.

The one truism is less is more and if you can do it in less, then do so. I would not worry too much about ly and ing if you can cut your action paragraph by 30% by eliminating unnecessary words.

Quoted from khamanna I never heard that sentences starting with a character's name or he/she should be avoided. Really? They talk about ly/ing words, orphans and whatever... but never that. Thanks for the alert! Although I'm confused as to why - never bothered me.

It took me the better part of a year to realize that all rules (e.g., don't use asides/unfilmables, don't use "ing" and "ly" words, etc.) should be viewed "in general" and that the overarching rule is to write well. In a vast majority of instances, that will entail following the "rules". In many cases it won't.

In terms of this specific issue - there is no "rule" that requires one to avoid starting sentences with the characters name. The majority of time my lines do in fact start with the character name and that is true for almost all of the scripts that I have read. However, I have found that if it is 100% of the time, the read can become tedious. So, I look for opportunities where something else in the scene is really more dominant than the character (e.g., a sound, a visual, an emotion, etc.) that would warrant not starting the sentence with the character name. e.g.,

Dave walks on the beach under dark clouds.

The sky darkens as Dave walks down the beach.

Both of the above are fine. One shouldn't fret if they use either or them. I personally would go with the second one because I know 90% of my other sentences are starting with Dave and it gives me a chance to break up the monotony and it moves a visual (darkening sky) to a more dominant position in the description.  Very long winded way of saying - be aware of rules but do not follow them if it makes your writing less engaging, enjoyable or precise.

Quoted from DS No uproar necessary. Those were indeed throwaway sentences that I came up with in a minute, which ended up reading simplistic and awkward, but the point of those examples were still the ideas behind them. I wouldn't say those are half as poor as my off-the-go examples.

IMO (and yes I know you were just throwing out quick samples and they are not meant to be ideal) your suggested revisions read better. i.e., I disagree with this is an example of where something went from okay to akward. IMO it went from okay to better. Why? - because in each instance it flipped my mind's eye to a better sequence. i.e., the band playing and then the stir, the cock roaches appear and then the reaction.