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I enjoyed read this. I enjoyed it better then your last two for a number of reason. The dialouge i believe was much better. I enojyed the beginning convo with west and mack. They really reacted well with each other.
The character of west was done really well in this also. I think you are starting to 'get to know' him more which helps a lot in a script.
But as in all scripts there were some bad things. Some of the dialouge was bad. Mostly Macks. And there were some errors where you forgot to put in a word. I believe there was one point in the script where West? said You have to be fucking me. I think you meant you have to be fucking kidding me.
Overall i think this was far superior then the last 2 episodes. Keep up the good work.
Here is a preview for the third episode; it contains spoilers if you have not read the previous episodes.
* ** *** **** ***** ****** ***** **** *** ** *
INT. CHINOOK HELICOPTER-DAY Screams of agony echo off the thin metal walls of the massive transport helicopter. Wounded Marines lie everywhere, pools of blood form around them. Their brothers in arms watch in horror as the medics race to save their friends. We push in towards West, his face and uniform are covered in blood. His face reveals shock and horror. Mack stands next to West, his face gives nothing away. He simply stares straight ahead. Tory crouches in the corner, he can’t take the carnage and hurls.
POWELL (O.S.) (screaming) Oh my God!
Powell has been destroyed. His left leg is gone, replaced by blood and bone. Shrapnel has cut his face badly; the blood covers his eyes, blinding him. Two medics work furiously trying to save Powell.
Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever. I WAS WRONG.
Didn't read any previous comments. Normal disclaimers apply. Feel free to tear apart anything I've written. Here we go.
POSSIBLE SPOILERS...
Pg 1: INT. TRANSPORT: Complaint 1. You have the dialogue centered. The dialogue should be left-justified with a 1 inch tabset from the left margin and a width of no more than 3-3.5 inches.
You also need to lose the camera directions.
And there should be a double space between the slugline and the opening description.
Why did West sit next to Morris while the transport is in flight? The seating arrangements would be worked out before flight, and if West sat, he would be the one to start speaking having some reason to sit next to Morris. It would make more sense if West was already there, and Morris started talking.
EXT. TRANSPORT: Until this scene, I didn’t know it was an airplane. I pictured a 2-prop helicopter. You need to describe this better in the opening description. While the model of plan need not be mentioned (such a C-140 or whatever), a plane should be specified….and you misspelled plane.
Pg 1-2: INT. TENT: West’s voiceover’s should be treated like regular dialogue with just the V.O. designation in parenthesis after the name. I like the scorpion bit. Good piece of realism.
EXT. CAMP RUBICON: North Kuwait would be useful to know as a SUPER. Otherwise, we won’t know we’re in North Kuwait unless someone says it.
Since West is in the Marines, you might want to specify “army” as “military” and that he chose the Marines. I know this happens. I was in Basic Training with at one person who chose military over jail. It’s definitely a better option. Same level of accountability; lots more freedom.
Pg 4: INT. MESS TENT: “Fare” should be spelled “Fair”. “star strait ahead” should be “stare straight ahead.” However, it would be more appropriate to say “Everyone jumps to attention.”
Pg 6: When Miller is (yelling)…this should be placed on its own line between the character name and the dialogue. Dialogue is 1 inch, the wryly is 1.6 inches, and the character name should be 2.2 inches. If you’re using Word or pretty much any word processor, just set the tabs at these points and it makes it all a lot quicker. Another consideration with this wryly is its necessity. Miller sounds angry through his words and demeanor. I figure he’s yelling without letting us know for sure.
Pg 6-7: INT. TERMINAL - BAGHDAD AIRPORT: A slash in a slugline indicates two locations in one. This is one general location with a specific location. It should be either as I have it at the beginning on this comment or it can be INT. BAGHDAD AIRPORT - TERMINAL or since only one location within the airport is used, it may just as well be INT. BAGHDAD AIRPORT. You already specify that West is in the terminal area.
“start to curse in Arabic” - In a screenplay, no one can start to do anything. They either do it or they don’t. The only time someone can start to do something is if it is a long action, like eating, or they start and then stop before they actually do it.
EXT. BAGHDAD HIGHWAY: Route Irish can also be placed as a SUPER to let us know exactly where we are since stuff happens on this road. This is even more useful if future stuff is to occur here; the audience will get the reference if they see it.
Pg 10: (over radio) is another wryly and it goes in the same place as the previous one.
Pg 14: INT. CARRIER/KITCHEN: “several rows of desk” should be “desks”
You need to intercut the kitchen and carrier for the phone conversation. You have it ending with Sanders and yet the last slug reads INT. KITCHEN. Also, this scene is a very quick intro. If Sanders is to be a main characters, it would be helpful to see more of his world before cutting away. Right now, just wondering what just happened.
Pg 16: INT. HUMVEE: How exactly does West snap to attention inside a moving vehicle?
You have two Tyson dialogue headers in a row. One will be fine.
Pg 20: INT. HOUSE: Everyone begins to chuckle…I think I missed the joke.
Pg 21: EXT. HOSPITAL: “Tyson still stars…” I believe he “stares”
Pg 22: INT. RHAJIEM: This scene is remarkably short. I know you don’t want to show anything, but still, no indication is given whether anything happened or not. Maybe that’s the idea, but it feels too quick for that. I think a better use of this type of thing would be Tyson actively picking the girl in the anteroom of the harem and watching West go into a room with her. Then, this scene won’t feel as short as it does. It will also give a better feeling of Tyson’s character, especially if he is shown as a regular.
Pg 24: EXT. PALACE: Just now learned it has been more than a week since the incident. It would be useful in the hospital scene to have a SUPER to show how long it has been or have one of the boys mention the time frame then, so we have a better idea of how long they’ve been there.
Pg 26: EXT. HELICOPTER WING: A dead insurgent flies into the blades and gets stuck. I was under the impression they weren’t this close to the ground. How in the world does a body get thrown that high into the air? Don’t tell me, just put it in the script. Pilot says, “We got heavily vibration in the stick”…that would be “heavy vibration”
Pg 28: INT. TENT: “fagots” should be spelled “faggots”
Pg 29: EXT. HOSPITAL: “follow a young insurgent with a steadicam” Specifying movie-making hardware is too much and is somewhat distracting from the story. Sort of counts as camera directions.
Pg 30: INT. APACHE COCKPIT: Is this pilot the same pilot as earlier? If so, give the guy a name. You gave the brothel girl a name, and this guy has lines…
Pg 31: EXT HOSPITAL: “they fire their M-16s”…at what?
Rolland picks up both grenades? If in one hand, how? And if in two hands, what did he do with his gun?
You have the slugline of EXT. HOSPITAL/GROUND FLOOR. You should lose the GROUND FLOOR part and have a new INT. HOSPITAL slug once they get inside.
Pg 32: EXT. HOSPITAL: How do we know Jones has York’s blood on his uniform. It could easily be anyone’s by looking.
Pg 34: INT. COCKPIT: The Marines have an air corp? I know the Navy has pilots and the Air Force handles most of the flying, but the Marines?
INT. TENT: I feel like this conversation could be a little more in-depth. A little more character stuff to come out. So far, there has been a lot of action and a lot has gone on to get the reader going, which is good, but eventually, we’re going to need some characters to enjoy. West has gotten some attention, but we know almost nothing about him. He’s been led around by the nose here getting the feel of the place kind of like you’re doing to the audience which works well…really well, as a matter of fact. But West is going to need a life of his own at some point.
Pg 35: INT. COCKPIT: “LET’S drop OUR s**t”
Pg 38: INT. TENT: Awesome scene.
Pg 42: INT. BASEMENT: Your writing is getting better as we’re progressing. Chilling scene. Nicely done. Only thing: How does Shahir know Sanders’ name?
Pg 52: INT. STAIRS: Who’s Kelly?
Overall, really good. This first episode is a real roller coaster ride and once you gave your characters something to do, the action picked up, and the story became really engrossing. The only odd part was the escape. We know Tyson was covering the entrance and he was taken out by an insurgent. Where was the insurgent when West escaped? What happened to the insurgents who invaded the building? These obstacles disappeared. Perhaps a quick run down by Miller would help this confusion, since he likely saw it happen.
In coming episodes I would look to having a lot more character development for your main ones. Obviously, this series is going to be a little different in that anyone can die. West still remains mostly a mystery and is like the audience eye view of what is going on. You managed to get an attachment to him without telling anything much about him, but this won’t last for long.
You also need to work on getting the format of dialogue down correctly as that remained a constant distraction and lose every single "we see" you've written. It's another direction that distracts from the read. You paint the picture. I'll decide what I want to see. You need to work on having sufficient description as well, as in many places the description was very thin for the subject matter you're discussing.
Pg 1: INT. TRANSPORT: Complaint 1. You have the dialogue centered. The dialogue should be left-justified with a 1 inch tabset from the left margin and a width of no more than 3-3.5 inches..
This is an older script and I haden't received Final Draft yet, Episode 3 is in correct format and I'm working on the first two.
Why did West sit next to Morris while the transport is in flight? The seating arrangements would be worked out before flight, and if West sat, he would be the one to start speaking having some reason to sit next to Morris. It would make more sense if West was already there, and Morris started talking.
I see what your talking about, this will be fixed.
Pg 22: INT. RHAJIEM: This scene is remarkably short. I know you don’t want to show anything, but still, no indication is given whether anything happened or not. Maybe that’s the idea, but it feels too quick for that. I think a better use of this type of thing would be Tyson actively picking the girl in the anteroom of the harem and watching West go into a room with her. Then, this scene won’t feel as short as it does. It will also give a better feeling of Tyson’s character, especially if he is shown as a regular.
I had more content for this scene but decided not to use it because it was sort of graphic. People on these boards seem to react negatively to that sort of thing.
Pg 26: EXT. HELICOPTER WING: A dead insurgent flies into the blades and gets stuck. I was under the impression they weren’t this close to the ground. How in the world does a body get thrown that high into the air? Don’t tell me, just put it in the script. Pilot says, “We got heavily vibration in the stick”…that would be “heavy vibration”.
The insurgents were on the roof, maybe I didn't make this clear enough, I will rewrite this scene.
Pg 42: INT. BASEMENT: Your writing is getting better as we’re progressing. Chilling scene. Nicely done.
Thanks, this was a early project for me. I left it for a long time and then finally got back to it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Right now, I'm currently working on the first two episodes and rewriting them. The format and grammar should no longer be a problem. I will also fix all the other errors people have brought to my attention. Thanks for your input George; your review helped a lot.
Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever. I WAS WRONG.
The revisions for the first two episodes are up. I’ve extended a few scenes, deleted a few scenes. I fixed what other issues I could find or that were brought to my attention. The format is also fixed with the help of Final Draft. Thanks for all the input so far, it has helped a lot.
p.s.
The fourth episode entitled "Quiet and Nasty" is almost done and should be up next week sometime.
-Zavier
Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever. I WAS WRONG.
Zavier, first I would like to say overall this is a well-written script (grammar, formatting, description, etc). With some adjustments and rewrites this could be a professional and producible screenplay. You have obviously researched your subject, which I like, and make the scene descriptions believable. Take my review with a grain of salt. Use what you agree with and discard what you disagree with. With that said...
STORY:
-Great opening scene. The set up was perfect and intriguing. Lots of movement and drama early on (even though it was a dream).
-Beyond the first scene, your story needs structure, a spine. You need to produce a dramatic question early on (1st ten pages) that the audience looks forward to having answered in the end. (i.e.: In Rocky, 'will Rocky beat Apollo Creed?' or Saving Private Ryan, 'will the platoon find Private Ryan?') Both of these examples provide a dramatic question early on in the movie. This is the spine of the movie in which any movie should 'hang on to' throughout. THIS IS PROBABLY THE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT IN WRITING A SCREENPLAY.
-The war is a very 'hot' topic to write a movie or show about but it needs to have an original hook or dramatic question in it (again, Saving Private Ryan is a good example).
-Your protagonist (PVT West) needs to have more of a dramatic 'push'. Again, this will happen when you develop your dramatic question or spine. Because of this lack, your story doesn't 'go anywhere'. There are a lot of things going on but it isn't really going anywhere. You have a dramatic situation that these characters seem to find themselves in. But it isn't enough. A good dramatic question occurs in the middle when CAPT SANDERS ejects and gets captured. 'Will the lone pilot escape alive from his captors?' This would have been a good spine for your story. Though somewhat overused, if told in a unique and intriguing way could make for a great story. And with your writing ability it could be done.
-In the end I felt let sort of down. Your main character (PVT West) didn't have any resolution. This is where the initial dramatic question is important. In the beginning the dramatic question (for your protagonist) is supposed to be introduced and in the end there is some kind of resolution (good or bad). The question is answered. The audience is satisfied (or not) And if this is a series, each episode should follow the same guidelines (Band of Brothers is a good example of this).
CHARACTERS:
-For each important character, develop a fictional personal history for each one. Did so-and-so grow up an only child? Church on Sundays? Parents divorced? Sister killed in an auto accident? It'll make deciding how each character responds to certain situations easier and more unique. In your story, it is difficult to tell one character from another. Take any scene and replace the main character in the same scene with another. Would he act similarly? Or totally different? Right now your characters are flat. Predictable. What happened to the Chaplain? He would have made a unique character but you didn�t use him except to introduce him. I'll tell you this is the most difficult aspect of screenwriting. If you master bringing your characters to life and making them stand out from one another...everything else is easy.
-You need to give the audience a reason to root for your main character (PVT WEST). Again, I was most sympathetic to CAPT SANDERS situation. The same for most of the other characters. Either give us a reason to love or hate them. When the Marines were getting whacked in the end, I didn't feel for them one way or the other.
-With so many military characters, give their ranks when discussing them in descriptive paragraphs even after first introducing them. I had to keep going back to see who was who.
DIALOGUE:
-This is the best part of your screenplay. It was believable and it flowed.
-Get rid of initial words when writing dialogue. The rule of thumb I use is 'Is the first word really necessary?' Say it without the first word to see if it sounds better. Believe me, it works. Take a look.
MORRIS Is this your first time in Iraq, Private?
MORRIS This your first time in Iraq, Private? (sounds better)
Also,
MORRIS Oh well, let me give you...
MORRIS Let me give you one piece of advice... (sounds better)
-Last, when writing numbers in dialogue, spell the numbers out. (Pg 36)
SANDERS F-one, Fox-three.
Otherwise your dialogue is pretty darn good. Especially for someone not being in the military!
TECHNICAL:
-Capitalize all sounds, first introduction to important vehicles, things (i.e.: APACHE HELICOPTER, BOWIE KNIFE, etc.) Also, capitalize first introduction to characters even if they don't have names. (i.e.: INSURGENTS, YOUNG MEN, etc.)
-On page 16, Tyson refers to Jones as 'Sir'. Enlisted men do not refer to other enlisted men as 'sir'. Only officers.
JONES Tyson?
TYSON Sir.
JONES Educate Private West on patrol protocol.
TYSON Yes, Sir. Private?
WEST Yes, Sergeant? -Pg. 3
Humvees wouldn't be 'flying' through the campsite without the driver's getting screamed at. Inside the camp it is very controlled (usually).
West's age was already stated.
-You frequently say 'everyone' did such and such. (i.e.: 'Everyone jumps to attention.') I would state specifically who is doing what. The Marines or The insurgents, etc.
-DO NOT USE 'We see', 'we follow', etc. Avoid these terms at all cost. Everything should be present tense, action verbs.
-Pg 5. 'We see a very crowded street in downtown Baghdad...'
Change this to: EXT. BAGHDAD AIRPORT/HUMVEE � DAY
A crowded street. A thin layer of dust covers everything...
You've already established the location. It�s redundant to say it again.
-Pg. 24 I don't think Tyson and West would've missed movement like that. If they did, the Captain would have chewed their asses. It's a serious offense to miss movement.
-Pg. 27 Was West's dialogue a VO? It sounded as if it were meant to be. An Officer would in no way call a subordinate a 'Faggot' in front of a group of Marines.
-Pg. 28 Change 'First Expeditionary' to 'One MEF' in Jones's dialogue.
-Pg. 30 I don't think you can eject from an Apache. I may be wrong but the rotor blades may be a factor.
Marines call their 'Medic', 'Doc'.
-Pg. 33 Pilots always call each other by their call signs. They don't call each other 'Marine'.
-Pg. 34 What does 'pasted out' mean?
-Pg. 45 Platoons usually have a 'Doc' with them.
-Pg. 49 'West squeezes the trigger and just holds down.' I wasn't sure if West was carrying an M-16 here or not. If so, they can only do 3-round burst max. Only Saw's and 60's can free-fire.
Also, '...hands move toward his last grenade but suddenly stops.' Why? I assume it's because Jones is below. This isn�t clear.
-Pg. 51 What is a 'technical'
-Pg. 52 The Marines wouldn't leave the other marines behind as the place is being bombed.
Last, there are a few typos throughout. Not many, but a few. As you go through to make these corrections, look for misspellings.
Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever. I WAS WRONG.
A mammoth C-140 troop transport lumbers through the clouds…? What? Maybe it's because I'm not in the army or something but that just sounds weird to me.
You seem to have become acquainted with this WE SEE kind of writing, although it does help you (The writer) tell the story it makes me (The reader) feel as if you don't think I can understand the story without your social commentary.
On Page 3 – A King Scorpion falls out his left boot – Just a small suggestion here. Add in the word of.
I don't believe you're supposed to tell us in Wolf's description about his accent but I guess since you have to get it across somehow think about putting it as a parenthetical the first few times he speaks. I also notice every time you introduce a new character you give us those can't show don't tell descriptions that in most cases are considered as filler.
On page 7 – On of your sentences got screwed up – When the old man says Mount Dew, you buy. The next line West gets a little frustrated is the next line of dialogue instead of an action if you know what I mean.
On Page 8 – He checks he watch. Simple mistake and even easier to fix.
On Page 12 – The same thing as on page 7 after WEST says Sir, yes, sir! Jones begins walking down the stairs as dialogue ha-ha
Leon Kennedy? Isn't that a Resident Evil character? Or am I reading to much into it ha-ha
The only problem I seem to have so far is that other than West every character is forgettable which I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing for you as the writer.
On Page 19 – When West tell him to help Tyson the next line of action is blended into the dialogue once again. Just so you know.
On Page 20 – After they find Tyson under the chair he says How he is instead of How is he. Small mistake but easy to fix.
Is this true? About the Iraqi women being hookers for Americans? To me this seems a bit exploitative of the war to get laid and basically if they don't do it what would the soldiers with guns do? I don't know, I'm not in the army.
On page 26 the insurgent dead was really well constructed ha-ha you split him in half though I don't know how common or believable it is but I guess it works for entertainment value.
On Page 27 Jones talks about the hospital but his dialogue is broken up and is made into action instead of dialogue.
On Page 32 – Jones turns around in shock. It is also blended into the dialogue. Also West walks up is blended into Tyson's dialogue on the same page.
On Page 34 – Rolland and West talk but a few spelling errors here… You wrote for Rolland As I pulled the trigger, I watched the life flood from their eyes. Shouldn't that be something else? To me that reads wrong. AND West says on the next line I now instead of I Know. Just a few minors but good to know for you as the writer I think anyway.
On page 35 – Sanders name and dialogue are as actions instead of dialogue and character headings.
You know when Sanders is taken hostage I find it really hard to care or believe after he killed two guys that they wouldn't kill him. I can't care because you didn't really give us much with him and well the short time I knew him I've forgot about him by now.
On Page 38 – Jones tells the guys about Sander but I notice a few spelling mistakes in here so just read that first sentence on page 38 and you'll see what I mean.
The interrogation of Sanders is a really brutal real gritty take and it's very compelling to make you care for this character. Good storytelling here Mr. Nixon, this is a great scene and should be awarded for being so raw and good.
The scene where Tyson dies is eerily familiar to the one in Saving Private Ryan… Is that an influence or a coincidence?
I want to say that when you killed off about 70% of the characters I was a little shocked as we just got to know them a little bit.
I also think that you have way too many mistakes and they aren't your mistakes but when you converted this it made mistakes which seems easy to see if you read-through it once you converted it.
At the end of the day this is one of the most raw, gritty masterpieces I've ever read and at the same time it will never make it anywhere beyond the internet because it is so raw and gritty. I'm always honest with people and when I say it's a masterpiece I mean that it is really well written and has a lot of appeal if you're not squeamish or anything like that.
With the mistakes fixed this is probably the best PILOT I've ever read for a series, it even surpasses Banana Chan's pilot on my list and that's hard to do… If you're able to keep it up at tis rate I fear I might lose more of an audience to you ha-ha
Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever. I WAS WRONG.
I also have a question for you about the series... Do you watch a lot of war movies? That would explain your series and why it is just so real.
Yeah, but generally the older movies, like the Longest Day and Tora! Tora! Tora!. But I'm also a fan of newer stuff like Band of Brothers and Saving Private Ryan.
-Zavier
Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever. I WAS WRONG.
I’m nearing completion of the next episode. Hopefully it will be up by the end of the month. Returning to school has really dampened my eagerness to write, all my attention has been focused towards homework. But Expect No Mercy will continue.
-Zavier
Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever. I WAS WRONG.
Awesome, I'm still trying to find time to read episode 2, Hopefully this weekend as I want to read Purgatory, this and another script which I have saved but forgot the name of.
The thing about this series that nothing else can compare is that it feels real. Sure other scripts may be "better" but not as real, this could never be on television though as it is just too real but I think if you wrote a film version you could sell it just like that.
Saving Private Ryan couldn't hold a candle to the feature length version of Expect No Mercy... In My Opinion of course.
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