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Hey Z, weren't you going to do a Halloween episode of this or something?
Yeah, unfortunately school has robbed me of most of my time, so it might not be done in time, but it will be done. I am hoping to have the first season done before the end of the year (since the last episode of this season is Christmas related).
-Zavier
Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever. I WAS WRONG.
Being interrogated about the events of episode 1? That’s actually an interesting idea for the second episode.
Can you be cut in half by bullets? I actually don’t know.
When West has that bad dream you tell us in the description he is leaving, you told us something that getting dressed tells us ha-ha
So he sleeps with a hooker? Then you reveal that she’s kind of not a hooker yet ha-ha but he didn’t pay her did he? I think it’s very convenient that he was her first, seems a little unbelievable.
On page 11 - after he lets her out of the humvee she says “Who you like to come in”
On page 12 - Zahrah says “That’s is Muhammad” Pretty straight forward, right?
On page 14 - his roommate is Rather sort for a marine huh? Sorry, a little review humor. SHORT is what you meant I think. Oh and I love his rommmates name, it’s also the name of the lead singer of my favorite band ha-ha
On page 15 - Sheppard says “Bad new is that who will not be returning to Charlie Company” Small mistake but thought you’d like to know.
On page 17 - He clothes bloody… next line - He chaos surrounds him…
On page 18 – He jabs a needle into West’s forename ha-ha umm did you write this episode fast or something?
The whole letter and dying of Miller seems like you wanted us to genuinely care for the character but I didn’t feel anything as he didn’t really get much screen time before his death.
Beautiful follow up to the best series pilot I’ve ever read, since the series isn’t 40 pages as I thought it was I might read more episodes sooner than later.
I stand by my statement in the previous post saying that a feature length version of this series could be better than Saving Private Ryan (The so called best war film) Good job and even though you don’t have that big of an audience keep going because it gets better.
All those small and annoying mistakes were partially due to my mind-set at the time “quantity not quality”. But since then things have changed and the “quality” as improved and the “quantity” has been lowered dramatically (about one episode a month).
The next episode is up, also thanks for all the votes on the Top Sites contest; Expect No Mercy is now at Number 3!
-Zavier
Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever. I WAS WRONG.
The next episode is nearing completion; hopefully it will be up soon. Also I've finished a rewrite of the third episode, which will most likely go up with the next new episode.
-Zavier
Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever. I WAS WRONG.
A revision of the fifth episode has been posted. Due to time constraints brought on by school, everything else is on hold. I predict a mid-december return, but my timetables are often inaccurate. Thanks to Don for getting the revision up.
-Zavier
Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever. I WAS WRONG.
I notice you still describe your characters a little bit too visual and that's supposed to be shown and not told, I guess it's all up to you and if you want to keep it in.
When Shepard comes back to Powell and tells him that they need assistance his dialogue says assistant which means something else.
And I also noticed you using We see a lot in this episode which is a no no.
Johnny Cash songs in Iraq? It fits like a glove and not the O.J. one either. You could also have a Christmas special with WWE Wrestling in Iraq as they come over their every year ha-ha
On page 8 - Its dominated my a number of small tables... Simple fixer upper.
Okay here's a small problem I would like to discuss, if West knew it was a trap can he not refuse to go or relieve Powell of his post or go back to the Major because it just seems as if in war time these things could be done and not lead soldiers to their slaughter like that especially with incompetent people in charge.
You tell me, I'm not a marine.
On Page 11 - After Sanders gets home. Sanders sits a recliner. Again simple but thought I'd mention it, not sure if you've fixed it or anything.
I like the cut from the hell to the happy father going home a hero and then back to the hell. It's almost a perfect cut... Possibly one of the best I've ever seen in film or TV or unproduced screenplays.
On Page 12 - Mack says We'll who do we send... Self explanatory.
On page 13 - Mack says Your the fastest... You are or you're the fastest is the word.
Oddly enough you'd think a war series would become repetitive and boring and even though they seem to do the same stuff different day every time I still think it works pretty well.
I love the episode and all but this brings me to your revelation on your website about the future and without spoiling anything to big I hope that eventually before the end of the season West becomes a Captain of his own troop as he just feels like a born leader and not a follower as he has been.
Overall I look forward to reading the next few episodes, I have been reading them slowly mostly because during the week I'm exhausted and have no time to even write my own stuff so my bad man I really love the series though and think it has an untapped potential to be better than Saving Private Ryan if you ever decide to write a feature version even if it's just parts of the series taken and made into a film.
I’ve just submitted the next episode, which is entitled “Judgment”. Hopefully it will be up with the next batch of scripts. I’ll be spending the next week in California, so no new episodes for a while. But I’ll finally get to read a lot of your guy’s scripts. I’ve compiled a list of about ten scripts that I want to read, look out for some reviews this weekend.
-Zavier
Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever. I WAS WRONG.
Thanks to Don for getting the new episode up so quickly. Hopefully the next episode entitled “Born Killa” will be up within the next week. It’s a collaborative effort between a few of my classmates and myself.
-Zavier
Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever. I WAS WRONG.
As of right now this is how the rest of the season looks like. I've decided on ten episodes this season, that number will probably grow next season.
-Born Killa While escorting a captured Insurgent to Abu Ghraib prison, West's convoy is attacked and their armored Stryker is heavily damaged trapping West and the Insurgent inside, alone. Can West survive in close quarters with some one who is bent on completing his jihad?
-Hell on Earth West and the fire-team are on patrol when they come under heavy attack. They escape into desert were they find horrors worst than anything they could have imagined. Tormented by evils of unimaginable terror, each member stumbles out into the vast desert to face their own personal hell.
-Rehabilitation While the fire-team recovers from their ordeal in the desert, their hospital is attacked by Insurgents. Now they must fend off heavily armed terrorists who are bent on massacring everyone in the defenseless hospital.
-Silent Night The season final, I don't want to give much away but I will say this; this episode turns everything upside down.
-Zavier
Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever. I WAS WRONG.
You still have a tendency to write things that describe emotions and use WE SEE, I’m not sure if you need them or if you just use them because you have no other way to get these things across.
I guess my dreams came true and we were thinking alike in that West gets command of his own team ha-ha finally.
Five men to secure an entire village? I’m not sure if that’s realistic but it might be.
Shepard actually doesn’t tell him he can have anybody in Fox, he said the best meaning they already had them picked so you might have to clear that up in Shepard’s earlier dialogue.
On Page 11 – Zahrah struggles, but is knock unconscious. They men wrap duck-tape over her mouth… 3 problems here, it’s knocked, the and duct not duck ha-ha
I love when people are hit by cars, I never thought I’d see it in a war series but that’s classic man… CLASSIC.
I think the quality of the series keeps rising as you didn’t have too much action in this one. In fact very little and yet I still thought it was very well done. Oh and the character building and dialogue are really well done for this type of series, I don't tell you that often but it's true.
So what did Mack really do to him? Or will you leave it to the imagination.
Five men to secure an entire village? I'm not sure if that's realistic but it might be.
Maybe my descriptions were misleading. It's not really that big of a village, five buildings all together, not that big. And the village actually exists; I search for about an hour on Google Earth (great program) for the right looking village that suited my needs.
Shepard actually doesn't tell him he can have anybody in Fox, he said the best meaning they already had them picked so you might have to clear that up in Shepard's earlier dialogue.
On Page 11 ' Zahrah struggles, but is knock unconscious. They men wrap duck-tape over her mouth' 3 problems here, it's knocked, the and duct not duck ha-ha
lol, the "duck" is an inside joke between my friends at school that read the series and myself. I meant to take that out before I submitted to SS. The other issues will be fixed in the next draft.
What you could do before Mack dies because they all die eventually is show quick cuts of that death like in From Dusk Till Dawn when George Clooney comes back and Qt has just brutally killed that girl they took hostage.
I think that's a classic scene in cinema... The quick cuts from the gore and the actual scene not actually showing it but leaving it to your imagination. I guess since it's already written and he might die in the next 2 ep's it would be hard to do this now without actually going back in or watching the film but anyway.
I understand I used to spell it and say it as duck tape, nobody is perfect but sometimes the quality of something can be.
That would be on your poster "We all die... eventually" ha-ha I just expect Mack to call the enemies pansies right before he dies for no other reason than it just seems like he's too strong to admit he cares.
Yeah, Mack’s demise will happen sooner than later, in fact it’s in the latest episode. I think it will surprise people as its not the guns blazing, go out with all barrels firing death that most people would expect.
-Zavier
Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever. I WAS WRONG.
I must say that this is a fine piece of writing you have here. I have just finished episode 1. It is great, no silly dialogue, you know your stuff, the descriptions are great.
You do have a problem. Sometimes the dialogue will be in a description. Sometimes there is a description in the dialogue. I'm sure someone has already pointed that out, but I'm just telling you what I think.
SPOILER
Everyone died? Is West the only main character? Or are more of the main characters introduced to us later in the series?
END OF SPOILER
You've caught my attention enough to make me want to read the second episode. I'll get to that within a week. I've got two feature lengths to read.
This was an excellent beginning to an excellent story.
Good luck with future episodes. I look forward to reading the rest.
You do have a problem. Sometimes the dialogue will be in a description. Sometimes there is a description in the dialogue. I'm sure someone has already pointed that out, but I'm just telling you what I think.
Yeah, this has been mentioned before and will eventually be corrected. The draft that is up right now is already a major revision from the original piece. When putting the original piece into Final Draft to correct the format those errors appeared.
Everyone died? Is West the only main character? Or are more of the main characters introduced to us later in the series?
Not everyone died, but the majority of the supporting characters did. West is the only main character at this point but that might change. As you read the next few episodes you'll see that more characters are introduced and they stick around longer.
Thanks again for the read.
-Zavier
Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever. I WAS WRONG.
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