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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  SimplyNoir Moderators: bert
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  Author    SimplyNoir  (currently 11533 views)
Old Time Wesley
Posted: January 5th, 2006, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
I noticed it, too.  I think perhaps there is no better day(s) to get something submitted back to the boards...


If only.

I guess if your character didn't die it would be a different screenplay, an even bigger twist would be if you were in fact the one unmasked and taken to the looney bin. That would have been top 3 classic moments on these boards but the ending as is still has its beauty.

Now whoever tries to follow this up, even George or Bert will be lost in this ones lore but we have many ways to branch off and since it is all in good fun people aren't going to read them as they would every other one which makes me a little more confident that others will follow.


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
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Helio
Posted: January 5th, 2006, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Poor Don, was just a carcass! At least, Don had two lines of dialogues in Back to Shawshank!
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Don
Posted: January 5th, 2006, 8:41pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Quoted from Helio
Poor Don, was just a carcass! At least, Don had two lines of dialogue in Back to Shawshank!


True, but in Shawshank  you call me a patsy...


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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- Wayne Gretzky
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dogglebe
Posted: January 5th, 2006, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
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Boy, after reading this, I feel so unloved.  I mean, really really unloved.  You make me sound like some control freak.  Do I really come off like that?

Don't answer that.  By tomorrow, I'll have this script removed from the board.


Phil
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Old Time Wesley
Posted: January 5th, 2006, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
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Was that a joke? See it's hard to tell if you don't add something to make it that way because the internet has no emotion.


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
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Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: January 5th, 2006, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Check out The Last Days Of The Desert Dogs

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Andrew I just got your script reference. haha glock 500, right?

Well hats off to George & Rob. I think this calls for a party, booze and dames all around, eh. haha
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dogglebe
Posted: January 5th, 2006, 10:40pm Report to Moderator
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But no pug-faced babes.  How about platinum-haired ones?


Phil
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Higgonaitor
Posted: January 5th, 2006, 10:45pm Report to Moderator
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Ive tried posting on this like four times, but my computers internet isn't working so well, let's hope it works this time.

Spoilers

I really liked it but I need a few, uhm, clarifications....

Was the Dr.Pepper at the end at all related to the "Dr, pepper is independenntly owned" argument in the photo thread?

And what was going on in that one party scene where, I barfed on wes's shoes, and then suddenly, bam it's jack black!  I dont get it.
I really dont.
Seriously.
I dont get it....


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
And the Rest!

Watch Squirt! (My web-series!)
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bert
Posted: January 6th, 2006, 12:54am Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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Unloved?  Phil, Phil...

If it makes you feel any better, George and I discussed your section at least five times longer than anybody elses...and that includes Wesley.

"How far should we go?" he asked...."Do we dare?" I replied....and so on....

You didn't even smile?


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Don
Posted: January 6th, 2006, 1:28am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Quoted from bert
Unloved?  Phil, Phil...

If it makes you feel any better, George and I discussed your section at least five times longer than anybody elses...and that includes Wesley.

"How far should we go?" he asked...."Do we dare?" I replied....and so on....

You didn't even smile?


He smiled.  He told me so.  (If he didn't smile, would you be here to make the post...)

No, seriously, there are going to be very few people who get the joke.  The joke being that people suddenly disappear from the boards.  They don't.  They get their posts deleted and get 'suggestions' that 'You are stupid' isn't very constructive criticism.  Then they get banned for six months or so.  I'm usually pretty good at removing uncontructive criticism so that it appears that, "...Don can take away your existence without leaving his living room..."  (actually, it is a shed in my backyard).

So happens that two events coincided such that it appeared that Phil had an individual or two 'dissappeared'.  (Hey, works for me, everyone beats up on Phil who is clueless as to what happened and I'm still the 'good' guy.).  

So, for the record.  

1. There has never been a case of one person getting another person banned.  
2. You don't get banned for one infraction of the rules.
3. It doesn't hurt to read the rules tho, so's you know why your post was suddenly 'dissappeared'.
4. If you do get banned, you have an e-mail in your inbox that has the phrase, "perhaps this isn't the forum for you..."
5. The only thing that makes me angry is plagiarism and even that won't get you banned (only deleted).
6. Just because your post was deleted doesn't mean I don't like you.

Don


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dogglebe
Posted: January 6th, 2006, 8:12am Report to Moderator
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Just to clear some things up, I'm cool with your script.  I don't post smileys to indicate that I'm telling a joke.  I never have.


Phil
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George Willson
Posted: January 6th, 2006, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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Deleted Scene Number 1:

This is actually my scene extended. It ran for about 7 pages and since everyone else's was a page or two at the most, we felt it was way too long. It also contained some more #747 references that were easily cut out. The intro was longer, there was an entire sequence with the door bell, and coming out of it was longer too. Here's the original 7 page version of my scene. Yup, still being self-serving.

INT. THE WESLEYMOBILE

Wesley inserts another CD into the player in the love
machine. The sounds of Tom Jones singing "Thunderball" belt
out very softly over the wimpy speakers.

               WESLEY (V.O.)
     So once more I return to the
     mysterious letter and its
     unfathomable clues but then
     it hit me like another release
     poster for number seven-forty-
     seven of course "golden chance
     I..." and I suppose there was
     no chance he meant Golden I as
     in Goldeneye and that could
     only mean one person.

Wesley's Ninja Mobile passes into a darker part of town.
Above him, a person hangs on the side of a wall looking at
him.

               WESLEY (V.O.)
     Few people come here. This part
     of town gives me the creeps.

The person leaps onto the top of the van. Wesley skids to a
stop.

The person leaps from the van onto the side of the building
on the opposite side of the street from where it started and
scrambles back up the wall and onto the roof, disappearing.

Wesley leans out his window, watching it.

               WESLEY (V.O.)
     I think I know what that was
     like his imagination reaching
     too far beyond the written page
     because the guy's crazy haha.


EXT. THE DARK FORTRESS - NIGHT

Wesley parks in front of a large seven-story fortress
reaching like a stacked pyramid into the sky. He walks up
the steps and knocks. A voice sounds from behind the door.

               VOICE (O.S.)
     Ring the doorbell!

Wesley leans into the door.

               WESLEY
     What?

               VOICE (O.S.)
     Ring the doorbell!

               WESLEY
     What?

The door swings open. A man of about 45 stands in the
doorway, dressed in a long black coat, dark trousers and
shirt, metal gauntlets on his wrists and ankles, and a sword
strapped to his back. This is DAVID TAYLOR.

               DAVID
     I said, Ring the doorbell.

               WESLEY
     Why-

The door slams in Wesley�s face. He sighs and shakes his
head.

               WESLEY (V.O.)
     This is dumber than Scream 5,
     a sequel to another fan's
     Scream 4. Like a neverending
     saga of stupidity...

He presses the doorbell button. The James Bond theme plays
loud and long. In fact, it goes on for the full length of
the song (about a minute and a half). Wesley appears bored
and annoyed.

The door opens.

               DAVID
     Yes, what do you want?

               WESLEY (V.O.)
     This guy has killer written
     all over him. Gruff expression.
     Weapon on him. Looks like he
     wants to kick my- aaaaaaaaah!


INT. THE DARK FORTRESS - NIGHT

David grabs Wesley and tosses him inside the building.
Wesley thumps against a wall. David stands close to him.

               DAVID
     What do you want here? This
     isn't a good time?

Wesley glances to one side. In a dark room lit by candles
sits a lone person, chained to a desk containing a COMPUTER.
The fierce clatter of a keyboard being typed to death sounds
across the room.

David releases Wesley, allowing him to enter the room.

               WESLEY
     Is he ok?

               DAVID
     He doesn't like to be
     disturbed.

Wesley walks toward the fierce typer and circles the desk to
stand beside him. The typer is breathing heavily. His eyes
are glowing a bright red and unblinking as words trail
across the screen.

Wesley looks at the screen. About fifteen icons decorate the
bottom of the screen, each one indicating the program
"Microsoft Word."

Wesley looks into the typer's face. He appears to be around
30, with day-old whiskers and a month old haircut. He is
dressed in a ragged T-shirt and dirty jeans. This is GEORGE
WILLSON.

               WESLEY
     George Willson I pictured as
     more ... well, no, that's
     pretty much how I pictured him.

George swings around and hisses at Wesley, inhuman. He
immediately returns to typing. Wesley backs up and stands
next to David, wide-eyed.

               DAVID
     He won't be disturbed when he
     writes about my people. Come
     back later. Maybe then he will
     speak to you.

               WESLEY
     Uh, sure no problem maybe
     then haha.


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George Willson
Posted: January 6th, 2006, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

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Continued:

EXT. THE DARK FORTRESS - NIGHT

Wesley exits the building. A poster reading "#747: Coming
March 2006!" now hangs on the door.

Wesley waits about 5 seconds before turning around pressing
the doorbell again. This time, it gives a resounding
"ding-dong." The door opens.

               DAVID
     Ah, you're back.

               WESLEY
     Is this a good time?

               DAVID
     Yes, he's waiting for you.


INT. THE DARK FORTRESS - NIGHT

Wesley enters and walks into the study, now lit with
overhead lighting. The computer is off. George Willson is
sitting in a highback chair with a cocktail glass sitting on
an end table beside him.

He is dressed in a black suit with a fresh haircut and
shave. He reads from a book with the simple title of "Edgar
Allen Poe." He looks up as Wesley enters.

               GEORGE
     Ah, Wesley, Private Dick.
     Welcome.

               WESLEY
     How did you change the...?

               GEORGE
     Change?

               WESLEY
     Uh, nothing.

Throughout the voiceover, George looks around, as if he
hears something.

               WESLEY (V.O.)
     Not only did this guy have a
     few loose screws, but this
     place seems more than just a
     little off.

               GEORGE
     Did you hear something?

               WESLEY
     Um, no.

               GEORGE
     What can I do for you?

               WESLEY
     It's Don. He's dead.

               GEORGE
          (emotionless)
     Goodness, that's terrible. Vodka
     martini?

               WESLEY
     No, thank you. Do you know
     anything about it?

               GEORGE
     No, why would I? Mint Julep?

               WESLEY
     No, I'm fine. Were you here
     all night?

               GEORGE
     As far as I know. Pina Colada?

               WESLEY
     No thanks. Have you heard
     anything about anyone else in
     SpecTown? Threats? Uprisings?

               GEORGE
     The cost of Vodka went up.

               WESLEY
     No, I mean about the case.

               GEORGE
     Yes, cases are expensive. I
     have to buy it by the bottle.

               WESLEY
     About Don.

               GEORGE
     Corleone?

               WESLEY
     No, our Don.

               GEORGE
     I don't think we own anything
     together, Wesley. That's kinda
     weird.

               WESLEY
     Don, the admin.

               GEORGE
     The admin? I don't know that
     one, but perhaps a Daiquiri.

               WESLEY
     Kill me now.

               GEORGE
     I know that one! Three ounces
     each of Tequila, 151 Proof Rum,
     Vodka (which is still expensive),
     and Gin, along with 2 ounces of
     Amaretto.

               WESLEY
     Oh God, I'm not thirsty.

               GEORGE
     Thanks, Wesley, but you don't
     have to call me God.

               WESLEY (V.O.)
     This guy is clearly too
     scatterbrained to have done
     anything. I don't even think he
     could pull it off.

               GEORGE
     Don't be so sure of that.

Wesley turns and looks at George, who smirks. Wesley stares
only for a moment before David appears behind him.

               DAVID
     It's time for you to leave.

               WESLEY
     It is?

Wesley looks behind him into the study. It has returned to
its former state of George chained to the computer with
glowing red eyes and fierce typing. Wesley looks very
confused.

               DAVID
     If this crime occurred tonight,
     you can trust that he had nothing
     to do with it.

Wesley walks around David, never taking his eyes from him.

               WESLEY
     Excuse me for saying exactly
     what I'm thinking, but this is
     messed up!     

               DAVID
     Welcome to his world.

Wesley exits.


EXT. THE DARK FORTRESS - NIGHT

The door closes behind Wesley. Now the poster on the door
reads "#747: Coming May 2006!"

He walks down the street at a hastened pace towards his van.
He glances overhead. The person sits on the wall again,
staring ... smiling. Wesley breaks into a run.


INT. WESLEY'S LOVE MACHINE

Wesley leaps into his sweet ride and nails the gas. It
screeches off into the night.

               WESLEY
     Note to self: remind me never
     to go back there again, I mean,      
     some people are better off left
     alone and in fact, that sequence
     was so long, it really feels more
     like shameless self-promotion
     than anything having to do with
     the case. I'm so disturbed I'm
     not even using my internal
     dialogue.
          (V.O.)
     That's better.



Revision History (1 edits)
George Willson  -  January 6th, 2006, 3:53pm
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George Willson
Posted: January 6th, 2006, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Deleted Scene 2:

This is actually the second version of Bert's scene. I'll let the first out out tomorrow. I thought it would be amusing to spoof his Farm script, so I stole bits of it word for word for this. Problem was, again, that I am apparently incapable of writing a short scene, and his turned into the second (or third) longest scene in the script. Since we were writing it and had the longest scenes, he chopped it down to the version in the script now. I saved most of mine by adding the comment about it being self-serving...then Bert added that I should be ashamed of myself. You'll also note that the "better days" comment Wesley makes in this scene got moved to my scene in the final version. This is from the same draft as the scene before and I think is twice removed from the final draft.

EXT. SPECTOWN - NIGHT

The rain is coming down steadily as the van heads towards a
large wooden structure in the shape of am enormous windmill
sandwiched between the run-of-the-mill skyscrapers.

Its blades are painted red and white with the phrase
Newcomer Acres printed on them, and they spin freely in the
wind produced by the storm.

INT. WESLEY’S MAGICAL MYSTERY MACHINE - NIGHT

Wesley skids to a halt as the pavement turns into gravel.

               WESLEY (V.O.)
     I considered whether this mild-
     manner gentleman would even
     consider taking out the almighty
     but the guy is clever enough
     to write badly and still implant
     an obscure reference to his ever-
     present and always-read, “The
     Farm” where burning of the fields
     was a major point in the story
     so the reference to “burn” could
     lead me here.


EXT. BERT’S WINDMILL - NIGHT

Wesley gets out of his machine and walks toward the
windmill.

               WESLEY (V.O.)
     It’s also worth mentioning that
     one of his lead characters uses a
     pencil as a lethal weapon haha.

Wesley knocks on the door. The blades creak steadily over
his head. The open opens just crack. BERT, a man looking
very disheveled peeps out.

               BERT
     Wesley, how are you?

               WESLEY
     I’ve had better days.

               BERT
     What do you want?

               WESLEY
     Where is she, Bert?

               BERT
     She’s here. She’s fine.
     What’s going on?

               WESLEY
     Don’s dead stabbed with a
     pencil.

Bert opens the door and stands up full, his expression
wide-eyed.

               BERT
     Dead? You’re sure?

               WESLEY
     Sure as I’ll see another plot
     that will never be written
     show up in five minutes haha.

               BERT
     She didn’t do it.

               WESLEY
     Let me talk to her.

Bert looks at Wesley for moment and sighs.

               BERT
     Come in.


INT. BERT’S WINDMILL - NIGHT

Bert leads Wesley through a space too impossibly large to
actually fit inside the windmill. Bert raps on the door. He
creaks it open.

               BERT
     Angel? You’ve got some
     visitors, baby. This is
     really important, and you
     really need to listen.

Angel sits in a solitary chair facing a picture of a sunny
day hanging on her wall. She doesn’t pay Bert any attention.
With an exasperated huff, Bert signals Wesley into the room.

Wesley enters. As he does, Angel immediately turns to meet
him with the darkest brown eyes we have ever seen. They
smolder.

               BERT
     I wonder why she’s looking
     at you like that. Never seen
     her do it before.

               WESLEY
     Well I guess I have that effect
     on people you know love me or
     hate me so maybe I found a new
     friend haha.

               BERT
     I don’t think so. It’s kind
     of weird.

               WESLEY
     So tell me, Angel, were you
     out tonight?

She only stares.

               BERT
     She hasn’t been anywhere.

Wesley turns to Bert.

               WESLEY
     Really, have you been here all
     night?

               BERT
     Well, I did have to get some
     fresh ink for my printer. You
     know how it is when you run
     out, but I was only gone a
     second.

               WESLEY
     Why are you acting so nervous?

               BERT
     No reason. You kind of showed
     up suddenly.

               WESLEY
     Well, I know this is sudden
     and all and believe me I
     appreciate you letting me to
     see her but a few things have
     happened lately...perhaps
     during the time you were on
     the roa--ah!

Wesley jumps. Angel stands behind him smiling. Wesley
reaches behind him and grabs a pencil stuck into his butt.
He pulls it out.

               WESLEY
     That hurt.

               BERT
     Stabbed you with a pencil.
     Hm, never saw it coming.


INT. WESLEY’S SUPER BUS - NIGHT

Wesley jumps in and then jumps up so his rear is off the
seat for a moment. Gingerly, he lowers his butt into the
seat.

               WESLEY (V.O.)
     Ow. Never saw it coming my
     ass or to my ass even haha.

Wesley starts the van and blasts away.


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I_M
Posted: January 6th, 2006, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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Think again.

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Everyone is talking about this script. I'll reveiw, but I'm still reading.


Fear Friday: some students will die to survive a twisted killer. Coming soon.
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