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SimplyNoir by Robert G. Newcomer & George Willson - Short, Film Noir - When Don is found brutally slain, it is up to Wesley, a fast-talking private dick, to crack the case. Our apologies to those who do not appear. Bigger apologies to those who do. - pdf, format
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is hillarious!! Well done Bert and George "haha".
My goodness, you've both hit the nail on the head when it comes to Wesley first off "haha". Wes, you must have been crying tears of laughter with this, cos I shrieked a few times reading some of your lines cos they are so you, in a good way!!! Love it!
This was a very fun read, really kept me guessing and I loved how you made the note applicable to so many members! So cleverly done. Excellent twists there!!
You boys certainly know this site well and it's members too, good job haha. Ok, I must stop doing that now.
Don, may you stay safe from pencils and live long on the boards!!! Thanks for my cameo guys, you had me in stitches and I so needed the laughs.
Really ACE job
Andy xxx
PS - When's the next one coming?!!!
PPS - OMG you both DO think I'm insane. Fair play!! Wes, you're always welcome to visit me in the Goondocks
This is the kind of spoof that everyone on the site can enjoy. I gotta say though, the funniest moments were the ones involving Curse, Revie, and Bigwhoop...hahaha. You captured all of their personalities so well, it was amazing!
Overall, a kind hearted spoof...though I don't know if that's what you were thinking during the A-List showing...my god was that intense. Haha well done
I loved it! You two sure make a good writing team. Great story, fantastic dialogue. I enjoyed the characters. LOL Everyone was so unique and full of surprises that kept the story interesting, and made me wonder what was going to happen next.
Good job!
This would be a good one to get produced. I'd buy it. Who films around here? HEY! I want a copy of this. Hey! Heeyyyy...
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
I got a kick out of doing it inasmuch as Bert enjoyed cutting the excessive amount of jokes I tended to add. Every time I read through, I cracked up. This thing was totally collaborative. Bert had an idea, I added, he added, I added, he cut, I added, he cut and added yet some more. It was fun.
I'm glad you who've read thus far have enjoyed, and I hope the rest of you do too. Bert didn't want to put himself in it, but I insisted.
I thought it was simply insane. I loved it. BTW, Angel (who make a brief appearance) just had KATfight optioned.
This was a lot of fun. However, the only person I couldn't place was David Taylor. Pretty neat that you were able to work in so many people. Glad that you made Wesley the hero. I've always kind of pictured him walking around in a fedora and he does, when I'm out of town, police "SpecTown".
David Taylor is a character from several of my scripts, and purportedly stands over me and forces me to write his story. It wouldn't take long to figure out which ones, I don't think the actual title appears in the script.
Post the cut jokes, post the cut jokes, please!!!!
Yes, I too couldn't place David. I didn't know Angel either. Is there a link to KATfight on the site still? Is their username Angel?
Don, this is a true testament to how much this site is loved by all. I DEMAND they write a sequel and a prequel and then a remake, just to keep up with Hollywood of course !!!
Oh, I was so caught up in all the cameos that I completly missed David Taylor and Angel as characters from your scripts. You wouldn't believe how much time I spent going through the boards and the database of unproduced scripts (including the deleted ones) to find these people. Missed the forest through the trees, so to speak.
re: KATfight. The script has been removed by the Other Angel's request.
We actually have two extended scenes, but we'd have to see what jokes were trimmed out. I think I still have my two extended endings. I know Bert trimmed out about 4 or 5 other posters for #747, all with different release dates. It was a little overkill.
Unfortunately Andrew, I believe you made the cut and do have a small role in this one. Our apologies to you and your next of kin.
I'm glad this is well received. I read through it twice before posting it. Then I went back and read the threads of the scripts of the folks who have cameos in this (including Bert's and George's scripts). Then I realized that these guys really did their homework. This isn't stuff just pulled from the discussion board, but it also has some subtle allusions to the scripts of the characters or habits that can only be gleaned if you have instant messaged a particular individual (o.k. - spoiler - Wesley has almost never written "haha" in any of his posts. He only does that when he IM's people).
Wow, Don commented on a script. I'm gonna cry. So unworthy... So unworthy...
Thanks, Don, for the kind words. And thanks to everyone who has given it reads so far. We were kind of nervous about how everyone would take it. I notice Wes and Phil haven't chimed in, but thanks all for having a look.
And Mr. Higgins, PM Bert. He has the final doc file.
Yes Alan, you are in this. But fair warning -- you got the same treatment that we gave everybody
I can send you a Doc file, but it sounds like you can't look at that either, and I don't know about that other stuff.
George, if I send you the final Doc file could you help Alan and those like him?
Html would be a pain because you had some preset margins in there. However, if I can make a pretty html file, maybe Don could add a second link for it.
If anyone sent it, I didn't get it. Can you try again? I NEED to read this one tonight. Please copy the entire text of the script into an e-mail, and send it to me at
radiomovie2002@yahoo.ca
I have no reason to care about formatting. I just want to read the thing. Sounds good. Please send me the text of the script. The suspense is palpable.
Excellent George!! I wanted to save a copy to my PC, but couldn't before. I will be re-reading this one again sometime soon, as I loved it that much!!
Can't wait to hear Wes's take on it.. haha. OK I MUST stop that. In the emails we have exchanged, I noticed this too, Don is right
George, I was moved for you and Bert when Don gave his feedback too! Made me do this -> Congrats to you both once again. Hope you both team up and write some more, as you work great together. Even if it's not Simply Noir 2, you clearly have natural flair as a pair or writers.
Andy xxx
PS - If you haven't read it yet, read it now dammit.
I'm coming in late in the game here but I guess better late than not at all. (Don suggested I take a look at it)
Okay you guys took some liberties as I don’t remember saying anything about The A List, can’t say I understand how ha-ha would work on-screen as the way I’d say it is like the wrestler John Cena and or Jadakiss who say it this special way that makes it funny.
The Curse part reminded me of Butters from South Park when he watched that porno tape which was supposed to be Lord of the Rings and he turned into a Gollum like creature until the end.
It was a good read and has some things that if it were to be taken like every other one I’d bring up the fact that you introduce way too many characters and even some very late in the process..
My character may hate the A List but in this life I have no clue what it is, maybe I posted in its thread but I don’t think I’d ever read it especially if it was by the guy in the screenplay.
Some people may be offended by their characters but I really found my character minus the ha-ha to be somewhat like the person you’d expect me to be but of course we all come off different online than in real life.
Good work and I hope others don’t use this as a way to attack people because it’s a good idea. Frankly it would be funny if more people read Topher’s original idea and did it. I was going to write one with Balt as the central character but that’s gone to hell as he’s not considered a member anymore.
I thought you guys might have had a joke about the rabid name changes as of late and changing the name of the van everytime was kind of odd unless the meaning behind it was the name changing thing... could be, makes sense as I read it.
Oh and where was my love interest, even in a screenplay I have to be alone till the final curtains? Sigh.
PS I'm not obsessed with Banana Chan.
PPS Andy do Pirates get along with Dicks? Just wondering.
I thought you guys might have had a joke about the rabid name changes as of late and changing the name of the van everytime was kind of odd unless the meaning behind it was the name changing thing... could be, makes sense as I read it.
Changing the name of the van every time it was slugged was a gag that Bert came up with when he added the van. I just helped come up with enough terms for it.
Actually, I had a brief comment about the name changing thing, but it was too silly to hang on to. When Der Spieler shows up, I had him introduced at one point as "DR. MABUSE (fka DER SPIELER fka REQUIEM -- damn name changes!)." Of course, this would be impossible to convey on screen since it was in the description.
Well, Wes, as the central character I was wondering how you'd take it, and I am glad you didn't curse us to the ends of the earth. Liberties were, of course, taken all around. After all, I don't completely resemble my character in there either...my eyes aren't red.
I'm surprised you don't remember the A-List. It's under series and had a big to-do a while back concerning sock puppets.
No love interest? Well, we did want to leave it with SOME measure of realism, right?
Wow! Congratulations guys, excellent piece! I really enjoyed it despite the fact I don´t usually like comedies. Luckily I read many of the scripts involved (Fempiror Chronicles -part 1- The Farm, Pugumentary) so I could understand many of the character´s cameos.
There were lots of "spits coffee on the screen" moments. Some of my favourites:
SPOILERS
-The pug dancer. Evil genious. -All the haha´s were very good, but the first one was a very funny surprise. -Spectown. The slug alone was funny, and the description was even better.
Looking forward for sequels or prequels. Good job.
But you see now if I or anyone else wrote one of these we have this to live up to, that's a lot of pressure.
Wesley, I quite agree. I had to go back and re-read a lot of scripts and the discussion threads around the scripts to get everything (and I still missed some obvious references.
The one thing I did think you guys missed out on was Don, he could have done a lot more in the Godfather type of way instead of being killed.
I don't know. A certain person who I am related to by marriage and who has given birth to my sons noted that, "Don is slumped across his keyboard," was a pretty accurate characterization...
I noticed it, too. I think perhaps there is no better day(s) to get something submitted back to the boards...
If only.
I guess if your character didn't die it would be a different screenplay, an even bigger twist would be if you were in fact the one unmasked and taken to the looney bin. That would have been top 3 classic moments on these boards but the ending as is still has its beauty.
Now whoever tries to follow this up, even George or Bert will be lost in this ones lore but we have many ways to branch off and since it is all in good fun people aren't going to read them as they would every other one which makes me a little more confident that others will follow.
Ive tried posting on this like four times, but my computers internet isn't working so well, let's hope it works this time.
Spoilers
I really liked it but I need a few, uhm, clarifications....
Was the Dr.Pepper at the end at all related to the "Dr, pepper is independenntly owned" argument in the photo thread?
And what was going on in that one party scene where, I barfed on wes's shoes, and then suddenly, bam it's jack black! I dont get it. I really dont. Seriously. I dont get it....
If it makes you feel any better, George and I discussed your section at least five times longer than anybody elses...and that includes Wesley.
"How far should we go?" he asked...."Do we dare?" I replied....and so on....
You didn't even smile?
He smiled. He told me so. (If he didn't smile, would you be here to make the post...)
No, seriously, there are going to be very few people who get the joke. The joke being that people suddenly disappear from the boards. They don't. They get their posts deleted and get 'suggestions' that 'You are stupid' isn't very constructive criticism. Then they get banned for six months or so. I'm usually pretty good at removing uncontructive criticism so that it appears that, "...Don can take away your existence without leaving his living room..." (actually, it is a shed in my backyard).
So happens that two events coincided such that it appeared that Phil had an individual or two 'dissappeared'. (Hey, works for me, everyone beats up on Phil who is clueless as to what happened and I'm still the 'good' guy.).
So, for the record.
1. There has never been a case of one person getting another person banned. 2. You don't get banned for one infraction of the rules. 3. It doesn't hurt to read the rules tho, so's you know why your post was suddenly 'dissappeared'. 4. If you do get banned, you have an e-mail in your inbox that has the phrase, "perhaps this isn't the forum for you..." 5. The only thing that makes me angry is plagiarism and even that won't get you banned (only deleted). 6. Just because your post was deleted doesn't mean I don't like you.
This is actually my scene extended. It ran for about 7 pages and since everyone else's was a page or two at the most, we felt it was way too long. It also contained some more #747 references that were easily cut out. The intro was longer, there was an entire sequence with the door bell, and coming out of it was longer too. Here's the original 7 page version of my scene. Yup, still being self-serving.
INT. THE WESLEYMOBILE
Wesley inserts another CD into the player in the love machine. The sounds of Tom Jones singing "Thunderball" belt out very softly over the wimpy speakers.
WESLEY (V.O.) So once more I return to the mysterious letter and its unfathomable clues but then it hit me like another release poster for number seven-forty- seven of course "golden chance I..." and I suppose there was no chance he meant Golden I as in Goldeneye and that could only mean one person.
Wesley's Ninja Mobile passes into a darker part of town. Above him, a person hangs on the side of a wall looking at him.
WESLEY (V.O.) Few people come here. This part of town gives me the creeps.
The person leaps onto the top of the van. Wesley skids to a stop.
The person leaps from the van onto the side of the building on the opposite side of the street from where it started and scrambles back up the wall and onto the roof, disappearing.
Wesley leans out his window, watching it.
WESLEY (V.O.) I think I know what that was like his imagination reaching too far beyond the written page because the guy's crazy haha.
EXT. THE DARK FORTRESS - NIGHT
Wesley parks in front of a large seven-story fortress reaching like a stacked pyramid into the sky. He walks up the steps and knocks. A voice sounds from behind the door.
VOICE (O.S.) Ring the doorbell!
Wesley leans into the door.
WESLEY What?
VOICE (O.S.) Ring the doorbell!
WESLEY What?
The door swings open. A man of about 45 stands in the doorway, dressed in a long black coat, dark trousers and shirt, metal gauntlets on his wrists and ankles, and a sword strapped to his back. This is DAVID TAYLOR.
DAVID I said, Ring the doorbell.
WESLEY Why-
The door slams in Wesley�s face. He sighs and shakes his head.
WESLEY (V.O.) This is dumber than Scream 5, a sequel to another fan's Scream 4. Like a neverending saga of stupidity...
He presses the doorbell button. The James Bond theme plays loud and long. In fact, it goes on for the full length of the song (about a minute and a half). Wesley appears bored and annoyed.
The door opens.
DAVID Yes, what do you want?
WESLEY (V.O.) This guy has killer written all over him. Gruff expression. Weapon on him. Looks like he wants to kick my- aaaaaaaaah!
INT. THE DARK FORTRESS - NIGHT
David grabs Wesley and tosses him inside the building. Wesley thumps against a wall. David stands close to him.
DAVID What do you want here? This isn't a good time?
Wesley glances to one side. In a dark room lit by candles sits a lone person, chained to a desk containing a COMPUTER. The fierce clatter of a keyboard being typed to death sounds across the room.
David releases Wesley, allowing him to enter the room.
WESLEY Is he ok?
DAVID He doesn't like to be disturbed.
Wesley walks toward the fierce typer and circles the desk to stand beside him. The typer is breathing heavily. His eyes are glowing a bright red and unblinking as words trail across the screen.
Wesley looks at the screen. About fifteen icons decorate the bottom of the screen, each one indicating the program "Microsoft Word."
Wesley looks into the typer's face. He appears to be around 30, with day-old whiskers and a month old haircut. He is dressed in a ragged T-shirt and dirty jeans. This is GEORGE WILLSON.
WESLEY George Willson I pictured as more ... well, no, that's pretty much how I pictured him.
George swings around and hisses at Wesley, inhuman. He immediately returns to typing. Wesley backs up and stands next to David, wide-eyed.
DAVID He won't be disturbed when he writes about my people. Come back later. Maybe then he will speak to you.
Wesley exits the building. A poster reading "#747: Coming March 2006!" now hangs on the door.
Wesley waits about 5 seconds before turning around pressing the doorbell again. This time, it gives a resounding "ding-dong." The door opens.
DAVID Ah, you're back.
WESLEY Is this a good time?
DAVID Yes, he's waiting for you.
INT. THE DARK FORTRESS - NIGHT
Wesley enters and walks into the study, now lit with overhead lighting. The computer is off. George Willson is sitting in a highback chair with a cocktail glass sitting on an end table beside him.
He is dressed in a black suit with a fresh haircut and shave. He reads from a book with the simple title of "Edgar Allen Poe." He looks up as Wesley enters.
GEORGE Ah, Wesley, Private Dick. Welcome.
WESLEY How did you change the...?
GEORGE Change?
WESLEY Uh, nothing.
Throughout the voiceover, George looks around, as if he hears something.
WESLEY (V.O.) Not only did this guy have a few loose screws, but this place seems more than just a little off.
GEORGE Did you hear something?
WESLEY Um, no.
GEORGE What can I do for you?
WESLEY It's Don. He's dead.
GEORGE (emotionless) Goodness, that's terrible. Vodka martini?
WESLEY No, thank you. Do you know anything about it?
GEORGE No, why would I? Mint Julep?
WESLEY No, I'm fine. Were you here all night?
GEORGE As far as I know. Pina Colada?
WESLEY No thanks. Have you heard anything about anyone else in SpecTown? Threats? Uprisings?
GEORGE The cost of Vodka went up.
WESLEY No, I mean about the case.
GEORGE Yes, cases are expensive. I have to buy it by the bottle.
WESLEY About Don.
GEORGE Corleone?
WESLEY No, our Don.
GEORGE I don't think we own anything together, Wesley. That's kinda weird.
WESLEY Don, the admin.
GEORGE The admin? I don't know that one, but perhaps a Daiquiri.
WESLEY Kill me now.
GEORGE I know that one! Three ounces each of Tequila, 151 Proof Rum, Vodka (which is still expensive), and Gin, along with 2 ounces of Amaretto.
WESLEY Oh God, I'm not thirsty.
GEORGE Thanks, Wesley, but you don't have to call me God.
WESLEY (V.O.) This guy is clearly too scatterbrained to have done anything. I don't even think he could pull it off.
GEORGE Don't be so sure of that.
Wesley turns and looks at George, who smirks. Wesley stares only for a moment before David appears behind him.
DAVID It's time for you to leave.
WESLEY It is?
Wesley looks behind him into the study. It has returned to its former state of George chained to the computer with glowing red eyes and fierce typing. Wesley looks very confused.
DAVID If this crime occurred tonight, you can trust that he had nothing to do with it.
Wesley walks around David, never taking his eyes from him.
WESLEY Excuse me for saying exactly what I'm thinking, but this is messed up!
DAVID Welcome to his world.
Wesley exits.
EXT. THE DARK FORTRESS - NIGHT
The door closes behind Wesley. Now the poster on the door reads "#747: Coming May 2006!"
He walks down the street at a hastened pace towards his van. He glances overhead. The person sits on the wall again, staring ... smiling. Wesley breaks into a run.
INT. WESLEY'S LOVE MACHINE
Wesley leaps into his sweet ride and nails the gas. It screeches off into the night.
WESLEY Note to self: remind me never to go back there again, I mean, some people are better off left alone and in fact, that sequence was so long, it really feels more like shameless self-promotion than anything having to do with the case. I'm so disturbed I'm not even using my internal dialogue. (V.O.) That's better.
This is actually the second version of Bert's scene. I'll let the first out out tomorrow. I thought it would be amusing to spoof his Farm script, so I stole bits of it word for word for this. Problem was, again, that I am apparently incapable of writing a short scene, and his turned into the second (or third) longest scene in the script. Since we were writing it and had the longest scenes, he chopped it down to the version in the script now. I saved most of mine by adding the comment about it being self-serving...then Bert added that I should be ashamed of myself. You'll also note that the "better days" comment Wesley makes in this scene got moved to my scene in the final version. This is from the same draft as the scene before and I think is twice removed from the final draft.
EXT. SPECTOWN - NIGHT
The rain is coming down steadily as the van heads towards a large wooden structure in the shape of am enormous windmill sandwiched between the run-of-the-mill skyscrapers.
Its blades are painted red and white with the phrase Newcomer Acres printed on them, and they spin freely in the wind produced by the storm.
INT. WESLEY’S MAGICAL MYSTERY MACHINE - NIGHT
Wesley skids to a halt as the pavement turns into gravel.
WESLEY (V.O.) I considered whether this mild- manner gentleman would even consider taking out the almighty but the guy is clever enough to write badly and still implant an obscure reference to his ever- present and always-read, “The Farm” where burning of the fields was a major point in the story so the reference to “burn” could lead me here.
EXT. BERT’S WINDMILL - NIGHT
Wesley gets out of his machine and walks toward the windmill.
WESLEY (V.O.) It’s also worth mentioning that one of his lead characters uses a pencil as a lethal weapon haha.
Wesley knocks on the door. The blades creak steadily over his head. The open opens just crack. BERT, a man looking very disheveled peeps out.
BERT Wesley, how are you?
WESLEY I’ve had better days.
BERT What do you want?
WESLEY Where is she, Bert?
BERT She’s here. She’s fine. What’s going on?
WESLEY Don’s dead stabbed with a pencil.
Bert opens the door and stands up full, his expression wide-eyed.
BERT Dead? You’re sure?
WESLEY Sure as I’ll see another plot that will never be written show up in five minutes haha.
BERT She didn’t do it.
WESLEY Let me talk to her.
Bert looks at Wesley for moment and sighs.
BERT Come in.
INT. BERT’S WINDMILL - NIGHT
Bert leads Wesley through a space too impossibly large to actually fit inside the windmill. Bert raps on the door. He creaks it open.
BERT Angel? You’ve got some visitors, baby. This is really important, and you really need to listen.
Angel sits in a solitary chair facing a picture of a sunny day hanging on her wall. She doesn’t pay Bert any attention. With an exasperated huff, Bert signals Wesley into the room.
Wesley enters. As he does, Angel immediately turns to meet him with the darkest brown eyes we have ever seen. They smolder.
BERT I wonder why she’s looking at you like that. Never seen her do it before.
WESLEY Well I guess I have that effect on people you know love me or hate me so maybe I found a new friend haha.
BERT I don’t think so. It’s kind of weird.
WESLEY So tell me, Angel, were you out tonight?
She only stares.
BERT She hasn’t been anywhere.
Wesley turns to Bert.
WESLEY Really, have you been here all night?
BERT Well, I did have to get some fresh ink for my printer. You know how it is when you run out, but I was only gone a second.
WESLEY Why are you acting so nervous?
BERT No reason. You kind of showed up suddenly.
WESLEY Well, I know this is sudden and all and believe me I appreciate you letting me to see her but a few things have happened lately...perhaps during the time you were on the roa--ah!
Wesley jumps. Angel stands behind him smiling. Wesley reaches behind him and grabs a pencil stuck into his butt. He pulls it out.
WESLEY That hurt.
BERT Stabbed you with a pencil. Hm, never saw it coming.
INT. WESLEY’S SUPER BUS - NIGHT
Wesley jumps in and then jumps up so his rear is off the seat for a moment. Gingerly, he lowers his butt into the seat.
WESLEY (V.O.) Ow. Never saw it coming my ass or to my ass even haha.
I'm really, really late inputting here, I know. Bad me. *slaps own hands here*
I must confess I haven't exactly read a script on this site in many moons, but this short was hysterical! Excellent job. I can see why Andy is so amused by it she is promoting it. The nuances are dead on from those members I am familiar with in the script. Wes, these guys seem to really know you. And that cool little ride of yours is too much!
But I thought it was Shaman who used all the "haha's" at the end of his posts?
Watch the first Back to the Future, I think the whole haha thing was a nervous George Mcfly type laugh which he does a lot in that film. Probably that could be a way to look at it, otherwise the dialogue doesn't work in a technical way.
I do use it a lot on the boards and in private messages but only because I hate LOL so much. Instead of Laugh out loud I say ha-ha. I do use the little hypen between it though.
Oy, may the heavens rain down fire and brimstone. We missed the little hyphen thingy. Touche...
Actually, a few of the jokes would not work on screen at all. We're taking advantage of the medium we're actually in, acknowledging that this script will likely not be produced. After all, if this were to be used as a film blueprint, the name of the van would have to remain the same throughout. We had some fun with the fact that the script was meant to be read.
I understand, but for it to ever be filmed they'd need all of us to be in the same place.
It's weird how this was so well recieved and it'll probably become one those things of legend like Midnight Moves was a year or so ago in another lifetime.
Well, haha has been used a little more than before, and someone asked Andy not to "cutlass" him for not knowing Data's name. It will have its run, and then will go as you suggest, I'm sure. I suppose that'll be about the right time for a sequel or something. Just when it passes out of memory...BAM! You're hit with something even worse than the first.
Well in a week or so I'll take the proverbial torch and run with it in a different direction. Revenge, sweet revenge Muhahah.
I did notice though that if not for us and a few generic posts here and there this thread is all but dead. I did enjoy being portrayed in a noir setting and if you want another unintentional reference by you is the fact that I'm a detective in a film noir script and in my series (No cheap plug) I have an episode called Le Noir Detectives where two of my characters are Noir detectives over the murder of John (And yours is Don)
I don’t even know if Bert realized the reference since he has read the originals of the above mentioned non plugged series.
I had no idea having not read your unplugged series. Kinda wild. There may have been some intention in it somewhere though, knowing Bert.
Ah well, if the thrill is gone so be it. Easy come, easy go. However, if anyone wants to read the 2 extended endings we cut out, I can still put them up. They were cut for two rather strange and contradictory reasons... 1) Bert didn't want to be the killer and 2) Bert didn't want Don to live.
Don didn't want Don to live so I guess you'd conflict what he said about himself as portrayed in your script.
Bert or Don would have made good killers but we always have future installments by you guys so I wouldn't throw out those ideas just yet.
You should compile every deleted part into another script with like you giving us reasons why it was cut and why you like it and all as like a social commentary before we read the script and even give it a title like Alternate Ending.
At one point was the busses name like the love bus or something but I got no love
Well, you did have "Wesley's Love Machine" as well as the "When-Rockin'-No-Knockin' Machine". However, you got no rockin' during the course of the script. Sorry. We spoke to a lot of people who might be willing to portray some kind of love interest, and we couldn't get anyone to get into that rickety old VW van we dug out of the junkyard for you to ride in. Something about roaches in the mattress in the back or something.
I don't even know if Bert realized the reference...
My influences were legion haha.
Let me chime in late with a coupla' things:
* I have no idea what your laugh should sound like on the screen, Wes. And yet, I could hear it perfectly in my head while composing your dialogue. Weird, huh? Go figure. * I didn't want Don to live?! Sheesh...don't say it like that for pete's sake. I didn't want him to come back at the end. Post the alternate endings. They're worthy. Just unused.
And I am sorry about your love life, Wes. Tell you what -- in the (pretty darn) unlikely event of a sequel, tell us who, exactly, you would like to be hooked up with and we'll see if we can't make it happen.
Can it be someone who is mildly famous so that you guys could make fun of the massive posts about said person. It would give you guys material to work with and of course the person I have in mind is...
Now that we have that out of the way, I don't know if you realized that one but are making it sound like you did. I'm not sure who wrote it either, yours and George's writing blends really well together.
That's a compliment to as when people co-write you can tell who wrote what parts, maybe you guys should do it sooner than later because the time frame before people stop caring is very short.
It can't take that much time away from other stuff when theirs two reasonably talented writers such as yourselves on the case. (I said reasonably because anything else would be blowing smoke and I don't smoke)
I read this last night after a nightmare 6 hour train ride across Germany. I laughed my ass off. It's simply hilarious. You make a great writing team.I could spot both of you at times but on the whole, it was difficult to tell you apart.
I just knew the 'inconsistent sluglines' were Bert's doing haha. I loved the little running joke with the 747 posters and Curse's elusive 'only copy'. That's just comedy gold to anyone who's been around these boards for a while.
I thought you nailed Wesley's character. The lack of punctuation in his dialogue was distracting at first until I realized it was deliberate.
Security just had to be in there and his dialogue was suitably random. I'm pretty sure you lifted that almost directly from one of his posts.
Maybe it's to do with my doggy bag from Amsterdam but I haven't laughed so much when reading a script for a long time. Really great stuff. I thought about doing one of these myself but I can't follow this so I'll wait for the next 1 week exercise.
* I didn't want Don to live?! Sheesh...don't say it like that for pete's sake. I didn't want him to come back at the end. Post the alternate endings. They're worthy. Just unused.
Sure, that's what you said, but I knew what you meant.
And here are the alternate endings, as insisted upon. They pretty well pick up right at the end as it stands right now, except Wesley wasn't splashed by another passing car. I'll include that last couple of descriptive paragraphs to get you into them. The first one is the first Bert section:
------
[Wesley] shakes a few more Goobers into his mouth and heads off into the night until he is swallowed by shadows.
A poster blows along the ground behind him. It reads: “#747: Coming Christmas 2010!”
ENDING EXTENSION NUMBER 1:
A male voice comes from behind Wesley. It is smooth, like a serial killer’s.
VOICE (O.S.) Did you find the killer, Wesley?
Wesley stops, his eyes grow wide.
VOICE (O.S.) You didn’t honestly believe that idiot could have killed anyone, do you?
Wesley closes his eyes and turns his head.
WESLEY A pencil...how could I have been so blind?
Standing before him are BERT along with the Sweet Little Girl who almost dropped a piano on his head.
BERT You remember Angel, Wesley?
WESLEY The little girl who stabbed a Sheriff with a pencil? I would say how could I forget, but I’ve been asking myself that question already haha.
BERT You think this is funny?
WESLEY No haha.
BERT Then why are you laughing?
WESLEY I’m not haha.
BERT Aren’t you even going to ask me why?
WESLEY I just figured you would start in with that bad guy’s big monologue that explains why he did everything and it’s a little cliché but I think right now I’ll let that go since you are such a good writer.
BERT One script! I only have one script posted and the link disappears. George has 29 scripts posted and you can click on all of them. But Bert has one, and his goes poof! I figured I’d let Angel remind old Don how important she is. She was pretty upset when she got deleted.
WESLEY She didn’t get deleted. It was only gone for an hour, tops.
BERT It’s the principle.
WESLEY Well, why the piano on my head?
BERT Ah, you know, in some places your name says you’re a sub-admin, so why not?
WESLEY Oh sure, that makes perfect sense but why the note?
BERT What note?
WESLEY The note from Security slash Kevin Revie slash Stifler?
BERT I didn’t write a note.
WESLEY No, it had the pencil stabbed through it.
BERT Did it?
FLASH INSERT: Wesley looks at the note on Don’s back. As he reaches down to lift the note up, it can be clearly seen that the tears of the note are going upward indicating...
Wesley’s eyes open wide.
WESLEY It was put there after he died.
BERT I saw him run in, say something about a huge twist, stick the note on the pencil and then run out saying “LOL” or something.
WESLEY I beat a madman I can easily be-
Wesley’s eyes grow wide again. He falls to the ground dead, a pencil stuck in his back. Angel stands behind him. Bert holds out his hand. A pencil is stuck through it.
BERT Come, Angel. SpecTown is ours.
Angel runs to him and holds onto the pencil and they head off into the night until they are swallowed by shadows.
Neon lights fight their way through the darkness. Faintly, the Dogglebe’s sign shines through the black.
Okay, this one picks up right where the last one left off. The two endings ran in sequence. I only labeled them each so Bert could clearly see where one ended and the next began.
ENDING EXTENSION NUMBER 2:
Shoes appear beside Wesley’s dead body. A hand touches Wesley’s back. It removes the pencil.
Wesley blinks. He comes to his feet and shakes off the darkness. He looks to one side.
WESLEY Don?
DON smiles.
WESLEY You were dead.
DON This is my domain. I own it, and nothing happens without my consent or knowledge. I didn’t die, and you can’t either unless I want it to happen.
WESLEY What about...?
DON Oh, don’t worry about him. Someone temporarily stole Bert’s identity. He told me about it. He’ll be back to himself in no time. Oh and another thing...
Don snaps. The sun comes out splaying light over everything. He and Wesley walk down the sidewalk.
DON Please stop making the city so dark when I’m away.
WESLEY I like it that way.
DON Well, I don’t, and since this is my world, I will always be in control.
CURSE hangs a poster announcing “#747: Coming August 2006!” He spots Don and Wesley walking towards him so he runs off.
Don points at the poster. POOF! It’s gone. They continue walking down the sidewalk together.
WOW! I just had a look at this! It must be one of the funniest scripts on these boards! The dialouge of the characters was completely perfect, Wesley, Kevin, Security, Myself and everyone else!
Everything was fantastic, formatting, dialouge all that, and the thing that really made me laugh was the The only copy of #747 in the world -- really! Love, Olga.” and all the posters of the #747 script around places. Also, the dialouge from Security was hilarious.
Oh my god. That is the funniest thing I have ever read. That was great. I'm glad I am finally a resident of Spectown. Maybe I shall make an appearance in the sequel.
While the concept and execution of subsequent installments will likely deviate from the original vision, we are confident that new episodes will adhere to the same rigorous standards of top-quality writing blended with mischievous, sardonic commentary.
While the concept and execution of subsequent installments will likely deviate from the original vision, we are confident that new episodes will adhere to the same rigorous standards of top-quality writing blended with mischievous, sardonic commentary.
Inotherwords, we were hogtied and hung from the rafters in an abandoned warehouse and forced to watch episodes of "The Simple Life" until we caved and signed over the rights. Well, I say episodes. I don't think we actually lasted past the opening titles of the first one before signing it over. I believe our words were, "It isn't worth anything anyway."
Although I have not been on this site for a very short period of time (starting in late august) I did find this script a very creative inside joke. Although I did not get all of the jokes, I still found it a very funny satire of this site.
There's been a lot of talk about this script on the board so I figured I'd check it out...
Well, I don't know what I can say that hasn't been said already. Really great, funny stuff. I haven't been around here that long but I still got most of the jokes (even the Angel gag, having read The Farm). The #747 stuff and the final scene were the best IMO. The opening scene almost made me feel bad about writing horror scripts, let alone, a zombie script. Thanks for making me feel like I'm part of the problem... just kidding.
Those are two of his works. Hey there's an idea. Someone writes one of these SS people stories about folks who advertise their work through trailers and whatever.
Should we put up a coming soon notice with a firm release date even though it hasn't even been planned out and might never be written? Is it time to hype it up in the WIP forums? I'm not going to write it, but hey, we can hype it anyway, right?
BTW, Don, nice one on catching the typo there. I had that coming, I know. I can accept that. Interesting how the revision history just happened to show up for that one, huh?
Someday, I think everyone who Curse gave pieces of his plot to should actually write this Edsel and see what we come up with. I remember some of the twist he told me once upon a time...it's probably different from the one you know.
After reading what Phil said on his "Burnout" thread about a "new audience" for some of the older works, I thought maybe this one was due for a little bump, also -- something I don't really do to my own stuff -- but I'll make an exception for this one.
Especially since the references to #747 are so timely now.
Seems like there's been a ton of new members over the past coupla' months, and many of them might well have missed this one.
I still read this one occasionally just for fun. The collaboration did it good. Two warped senses of humor on one script. Gotta love it. I still laugh.
I don’t know why I didn’t read this earlier, but in a way I’m glad I didn’t. I would have missed a lot of the jokes simply by not knowing the characters. I really, really enjoyed it and I bet the two of you had a great time writing it.
I was pleased to see that all my favorite people/characters from Simply Scripts were in this. I won’t mention any names, those of you who are my favorites already know you are, so there’s no need to.
SPOILERS:
Nice job on the Noir feel.
I guess all those #747 posters were wrong since the surprise release turned out to be spring of 2006.
I love Wesley’s VW Minibus! Whoever came up with the names for that one did a great job, hilarious! My only problem with the VW minibus was that, unless it’s seriously souped up with a Porsche 930 turbo engine or such, there’s no way this thing is going to do anything but sputter forward in a slow, smoky, smelly fashion.
I also love all the ha-ha’s…………haha
I think I saw a picture once of Heretic in the pic section. Nice looking young man, but would he be able to carry a desert eagle? That one’s a whopper!
I really liked you George as a fierce typer. That’s how I think of you, fierce reader as well and I envy you so. Then you turned into James Bond and that’s kind of how I picture you. A fierce reading/typing Pierce Brosnan.
Bert, a haggard looking man? Maybe all that studying you’ve done lately.
I think all of us would stare dreamingly into Breanne’s eyes and say “You are the greatest writer” (yes, I’m a fan too).
Phil with the hot girl with a Pug face and the lolling tongue, that was a little sick. Funny, but sick. Somehow I can’t picture him wasting a good brew by shaking it and drenching someone with it. Unless it’s some hot young girl with a Pug face that he can slurp it up from her naked body. (hope he doesn’t read this)
I think I got most of the jokes except for the Kevie Revie and Stifler ones. They were before my time, I think.
You guys did a really nice job collaborating here. You both have your own distinct styles of writing and in my opinion they blend very well together. You both complement each other’s weakest areas with each other’s strongest.
I’m not trying to douse you guys with a bunch of honey here just to make you feel good, but I think the two of you work really great together and would very much like to see more co-writing from you. I’m sure others would as well….
Glad you liked it, Pia. We did have a lot of fun with it. The VW Minibus was Bert's idea so genius perks to him on that one.
The Kevin/Stifler thing has to do with a kid who is still around here last seen as XoKevXo or something like that. Though he denies it and the thread is gone, we believed he was behaving as a sock puppet on his script thread "The A-List." He and Stifler would talk back and forth. Stifler would proclaim how good it was and ask about twists and plot points and give suggestions and such. It was amusing. He was famous for his one line LOL responses, his "huge twists", as well as his obsession with Paris Hilton. Actually, on one page of the Fempiror Chronicles thread, Stifler left a response that gave Fempiror a good grade and then he pimped his own series, including the inevitable "huge twist."
I enjoyed working with George. He is every bit as gracious, clever, and long-winded as you might imagine. Some of the minibus names (some of the better ones, in fact) are his, btw.
It occurs to me just today how close "SimplyNoir" is to "Starbuck Starr". This isn't a plug -- they really are -- say them out loud and you'll see.
Brilliant, just brilliant. It's been a couple of months since this was last looked at and I had to post a comment on it just to boost it back to the top so others who haven't read could give it a look.
As I said, it was fantastic. I've only been here for a couple of months but I laughed everytime a member from here appeared. I'm gutted though, I wish I found this site earlier so I could've had a chance of making a quick appearance. Maybe a sequel or prequel could be considered?!? LOL
Anyway, I would love to have seen this actually made. Great job guys... gravy, I mean groovy!
Every day I check to see if any of my scripts are "unproduced script of the day". They never are...
I was delighted however to see Simply Noir. I remembered this one with fondness, so I decided to reread it. It was just as good as the first time and it was fun to read about the SS characters. Some are long gone, but most are still around.
I know George and Bert are both very busy at the moment, but I sure would LOVE to see another Simply Noir. I really really enjoy the writing. You two write well together.
This was rereading a script for pure entertainment. I don't do that very often I hope others will check this one out too.
It always a pleasure to see one of your own come out of the trenches for 15 minutes, and this one that helped to spark the "Simply Renaissance" of scripts still ranks as one of my all time favorites of what I've written (or in this case, helped to write).
I know the idea of a sequel has been kicked around, but Bert and I have similar thoughts on sequels: it has to add something and not exist for the sake of doing it. Then again, it's been almost two years since we wrote this one, so it might be time to grab some of the noobs since then, and whittle out some of the folk who have gone away.
Jee, someone must of been digging about on the bottom of the Simply Script ocean to bring this short to the surface.
I never seen half the writers here that are in this script. Are they 1st gen SS members? Question for Admin, when did SS first appear in cyberspace?
Cute story, Phil panting to a pug face stripper was priceless.
I was suprised Shelton didn't play a bigger role in this. I mean the dude looks like Where's Wally? The laugh factor for that alone has got to be pretty high.
I know Geroge is a big James Bond freak so no suprise for how he is portrayed, but had no idea who the other people where so I didn't get the parodies.
This seems familiar, was there a whole bunch of these type of scripts involving Don and his SS kingdom made or was this just a one off? I just seem to recall when I first started here back in (06) comments about a script that involved Don and other SS mods as main characters.
Somebody has bumped this creaky old relic again? Thanks J & T.T. It is a fun script, even if many of the jokes are lost by now.
It has been ages since I looked at it, but I remember enough to know that it must be pretty dated by now, as new members appear and old members fade on the boards.
The infamous sock-puppet scandals -- the endless hype for a certain horror script -- and the most incomprehensible member in the history of the boards to date -- all of those are a distant memory now. Sigh.
Shelton was just a wee player on the boards when this was written, Tonka, or he surely would have played a larger role.
And while the original idea for a script involving SS members can not be attributed to George or I, this is the one that kind of took the idea to the next level and launched a slew of similarly-themed scripts. Some of those were quite good, too, but this one has kind of remained the granddaddy, I guess. It was pretty hot in its day.
Maybe it is time for somebody to take up the baton and write the next generation of SS Scripts?
I would have to agree with the passing of the baton. At the time, I was churning out script after script with more time on my hands than I knew what to do with. And the idea for this particular script (while not the involvement of SS members) has to be attributed to Bert. I added my fair share within it, but the concept was Bert's. The guy has way too much humility. I wrote him a whole Farm sequence, and he sliced it to what you see today.
This one actually the hottest and most prominent threads thrown into at the time along with the better known members who regularly posted. The infamous Kevin Revie is still around, though with no where near the notoriety he had then. And how can we forget Trailer Runs and the 747 scandals? Well, at least those of us who were there at the time. And most of the characters reference at least one script that they had written, though sometimes that was really veiled (such as Wesley stating that he's had "Better Days").
What's amusing to me is that a lot of the people in the script are still around. They may not be in the same capacity or of the same fame they wre then, but members who reach a certain level of involvement tend to hang out for a little while.
It would be fun to see a new script of this nature take the spotlight for a while like this one did when it was written.
This was excellent from the get-go. I loved the pseudo hard ass "Rex Banner" like character.
Its great to see that budget contraints weren't considered, ye just threw down whatever came into your head & the story is all the better for it. (The piano falling, the pirate ship themed house spring to mind plus the slew of varied locations)
WESLEY (V.O.) Don can take away your existence without leaving his living room but something had him spooked pretty bad and he would have to be spooked to ask for my help haha. So that’s what I was doing down here in SpecTown...
Wesley stops and looks around.
WESLEY (V.O.) ...and I hate coming to SpecTown.
A half dozen Freddy Kruegers wander along the sidewalk. One is walking a dog. Another is reading a newspaper. A large ad on the back page proclaims “#747: Coming January 2006!” Several incarnations of Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees can also be seen, in addition to a wide assortment of zombies that lumber aimlessly down the center of the street.
WESLEY (V.O.) There are plenty of lost souls down here in SpecTown. There is a little drama sometimes and occasionally a little comedy...
Wesley watches a moaning zombie walk past, carrying a bag of groceries.
WESLEY (V.O.) ...but mostly it’s a horror show. Another car drives by dousing Wesley in another flood of water.
This passage was a personal favourite of mine, superb writing.
Spectown: Great name & having the classic horror movie characters & zombies roam the streets was brilliant. I would love to see this on screen.
The different names for the VW in the slugline was a nice touch as.
The HaHa punctuating a lot of Wesley's V.O I'm not so sure about. I say it in my head but it just doesn't sit right, I'm sure you have a certain way you'd like it phrases in your minds when ye wrote it, or is a reference to a similar character in a previous film?
Another cool quirk is the introduction of promient contributers to this site. Dogglebe must be delighted with his part, Shelton maybe not so much.
The scene with George & his temporary transformation was brilliant & kinda surreal. The confusion over the price of Vodka was funny.
STIFLER HUGE TWIST! LOL!
The line of the of the piece, man. Completely cracked me up, magnifique!
I notice too you use comma's & full stops very sparingly when it comes to dialogue. I found it difficult to work out the phrasing of some of the longer passages. Is there a particular reason for this??
Overall, this is definitely one of the best things I've read here. You're clearly one of the administrators on this site for a reason. Great read.
There were certain parts that you'd get from the outside looking in, and others that you'd get if you'd communicated with some people via PM's or email. The haha's are more prominent if you "talk" to Wes in those venues as opposed to board posts.
And Stifler (there's a long story in itself) as well as Kevin Revie actually used that sort of...hm....dialogue...in his posts on the board when he was talking about his myriad of ideas once upon a time. It was crazy. I'll bet those posts are thankfully gone.
Dunno some of the people here as I've only been around a year. Had to read this though. Didn't get why Cindy threw the cantolope, guess I never read that one.
Love the description of spec world. Hilarious.
Good banter between george and wesley.
Love the #747 adverts. Who's script was that? Did it ever come?
Didn't mean to rehatch it if you guys didn't want... Never knew Kevin revie or stifler, but I get why it went there from previous posts.
Just wanted to read a good spoof of some of the people on the boards.
Does this at all reference "the script you do not speak of"? I've heard off it. Luve to take a look if one of ya's would PM me. I promise I won't comment.
Does this at all reference "the script you do not speak of"? I've heard off it. Luve to take a look if one of ya's would PM me. I promise I won't comment.
The script we don't want people to comment on is notorious because it is so bad!! It's called The Cabin.
I love Simply Noir, but I imagine you lost out on a lot of the jokes because a lot of the characters don't frequent these boards anymore. My personal favorites are one that Bert wrote. Simply BBQ, I think and also one that Sniper wrote...can't remember the title. There have been many Simply scripts written and all are very good, but if you don't know the characters it does take away a lot from the fun of them.
I think the proudest moment of my time on SS so far was when I saw I had a couple of lines of dialogue in 'Through the Fur Trap, Simply'. Oh, the joys of acceptance!
emcee...I don't want to be harsh, but how do you expect people to take your scripts seriously when you write like that? If you want to be a pro one day. You can't write like that...
Maybe will never make it, but along d way will be 'onest.
D'you have stuff I can read?
Would appreciate that.
That's fine. Everyone here appreciates honesty. I'm being honest when I tell you that people might not take you serious as a writer if you butcher the language like that. That's all.
I don't really have anything that needs reading. Might post something soon though.
It's actually always nice to see this one resurrected. It wasn't the first "Simply" script, but did spark a renaissance anyway. #747 was finally finished by its author sometime after we wrote this (#747 Script). The author inundated us with "Coming Soon's" and then some story about how his girlfriend lost the disk, etc. etc. Seriously, the tale of its writing was more interesting than the final script. Kevin Revie is still on the boards and posts occasionally, but sadly, he had his series, The A-List, removed even before SimplyNoir went up. He was quite obsessed over Paris Hilton at the time though. Trailer Runs/Security actually did post far worse gibberish than anyone we'd ever seen before. His "dialogue" is quite authentic, I assure you. And Mr. Holman still endlessly pimps Banana Chan to this day...except now he does it on Facebook. Simplynoir was not only a parody of the people, but went beyond that to parody the state of the boards, various opinions, people's scripts, and even a fair amount of real life in there. Most of the characters reference some script they wrote in some fashion (though Wesley's is simply the line "I've had Better Days" in reference to his series). I don't believe the Cabin is referenced anywhere in this one because it wasn't a hot topic at the time. People have occasionally asked about a sequel, but Bert and I have never seriously considered it.
But thanks for reading and enjoying it.
EDIT: Oh yeah, and Dogglebe's character is 100% correct.
You can have all the fun you want, Em, but what you post on the boards affects how other see you as a writer and how they respect you. This affects, to a point, whether or not people read your scripts.
There are been people, in the past who posted on the boards like they were texting on a rollercoaster. It gets annoying to read.
And if you don't have fun writing scripts, then you shouldn't be doing it.
First off, thank you for looking, James -- which was nearly lost amid the turmoil.
I think my good pal George addressed all of your burning questions, apart from the cantaloupe, which is such an obscure reference I think all of 3 people might have gotten it.
This script, unfortunately, was written for a specific audience at a specific point in time -- so it did come with an expiration date -- which has long since passed. I am cheered that you extracted what amusement you could.
You might want to take that phrase to the mirror, emcee.
Thank you for taking a look, of course, but your subsequent contributions are a bit frown-inducing.
On a board of writers, we do try to avoid crimes against grammar as best we might -- an oasis of sorts, seeking refuge from the damage text-speak inflicts upon our beloved written word -- as opposed to embracing such aberrations.
Actually, mostly kidding - I did have this one explained to me by my "inside source."
Unfortunately, a lot of the featured characters don't seem to be on the boards any longer...so I didn't get quite a few of the jokes. But Bert - what's with the haha?
WTF?...a lot of the featured characters don't seem to be on the boards any longer
I really wish this one were funnier today, Wonks.
You will just have to trust George and I that "back in the day" this was ground-breaking, cutting-edge hilarity.
I trust that at the very least you enjoyed the trip to the back room at Dogglebe's.
Quoted from wonkavite
I did have this one explained to me by my "inside source."
Be sure to ask your "source" about "Alan" -- if he hasn't offered up an explanation already.
The sputtering fits that ensue should be well worth the trouble.
Quoted from wonkavite
...what's with the haha?
A joke that is past its expiration date -- and even less funny if you have to explain -- though I suppose it is kind of funny that I now find myself doing the same thing haha.
Thanks for the look at a little SS ancient history.
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