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I read this one but it didn't work for me. Did not hold my interest I'm afraid (...) I could see of nor did your story have any emotion. I found it to be a very hollow piece of writing.
Hi Glenn,
I'm very surprised by your review if you compare it with the previews. But, hey, that's just your opinion. Everyone doesn't have to like it. I respect... >
I always like the gentle innocence, tinged with darkness and foreboding you bring to your writing, this being no exception. I loved the quiet, peaceful, dialogue-less path you chose with it, totally fitted the piece, this of course in no small part is attributed to the plight of the main character.
I wondered why this woman would be so accommodating to an escaped convict but as the story unfolded you gave us, at least, some reasons as to her mindset, her almost childishly naive romanticism towards the arrival of this man, a possible companion to her.
I take it Mike was a convict too as the last sequence suggests she summons these men from the prison with the hope they will accompany her in this lonely existence she inhabits. The implications of this are obviously huge; a deaf and dumb girl having a penchant for the rough, rugged male. But within the context of the story and in particular your gentle, sensitive prose, it fits, thus it works. The fantastical idea of attaching a steel file to a pigeon to infiltrate a prison (I am correct in deducing this, yes?) in order to help bust someone out would come across as downright crazy in another story of another writer but since I'm familiar with a number of your works it doesn't come from totally left of field or out of the blue.
The one major problem I had with the story, from a sheer logical perspective is; if the police already had an altercation with someone (Mike) here, in this very house some years back, presumably for a crime he had committed would they not have at least given the house a once over when they came looking for Nick? From the flashback it seems like she has been there for years so they know of her impaired senses (so that wouldn't have turned them off) and the fact that she had housed a criminal before.
This one is definitely to be taken with a pinch of salt, I think it could work well as an animated piece rather than live action given the nature of the story. Just a thought.
The one major problem I had with the story, from a sheer logical perspective is; if the police already had an altercation with someone (Mike) here, in this very house some years back, presumably for a crime he had committed would they not have at least given the house a once over when they came looking for Nick? From the flashback it seems like she has been there for years so they know of her impaired senses (so that wouldn't have turned them off) and the fact that she had housed a criminal before.
Col, it's all about the sluglines. There are not the same house.
As Jane's place is called HOUSE in the slugline, the one in the flashback is FARMHOUSE. And I repeat it in the action.
Quoted Text
an old wooden farmhouse
Yes. maybe it's not that clear in the script, though it's there, but it would be evident onscreen.
Hey, glad I finally found this. Maybe it's my romantic nature but I quite liked it.
As I read: Great first line. I think 'using sign language' sounds a little better than 'making sign language' p3 group of men 'getting away,' should be 'going away' 'takes delicately' his hand should be 'delicately takes'
'She sits across Nick and takes his wounded hand. She looks down at the wound for a while. She dips the towel into the water and gingerly starts to clean the wound.' You use 'wound' three times in this paragraph, might want to try to mix it up. Also you never describe the wound, is it deep, long, shallow? 'as if the entire house was belonging in the past' might read better 'as if the entire house belonged in the past' 'picture under frame' can just be 'framed picture' p5 'he threats them' with the ax, should be 'threatens them' (Yea english is ridiculous) brazier isn't really commonly used. its not wrong, just a little out of place. Also Blake smoke should be black smoke.
Aside from all those grammatical bits I really enjoyed it. I absolutely love the ending, it beautiful. Totally fairy tale ish, a woman summoning men from the prison. Perhaps to make it a little more believable you might try to increase the surreal/fairy tale feeling through out. It reads fairly seriously, which is why its a little hard to buy the woman seducing the man until the end. Assuming this has happened before you might make the guards a little more insistent on entering, and her resolutely blocking the door. If the scar is supposed to be a reason she stays away from other people you might want to describe it more clearly. I think it would be great if it was pretty large and marred her pretty face significantly. Movies always like to have cute little scars that show how tough and tragic people are without disturbing their attractiveness. Course if it was large it couldnt just be from getting pistol whipped.
Really did like it though, some powerful images, very mysterious. Keep it up.
I know, but you can still spend it with your son. You two can have a great day. Make him take you out to dinner or something. Give him some money and let him plan it.
Congrats on your script going into production! That's something to be proud of for the rest of your life.
I like the lack of dialogue and that you made your female protagonist a deaf mute. I'm not sure about the proclivity towards prisoners, but it plays fine.
Your opening line of description caught me off guard. At first, I thought I was reading a sci fi thriller about the sun crushing the earth. Other than some word choice issues, this is an interesting read, thanks!
I did wonder if that was a booty call pigeon at the end though! ^^;
Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
I got it. It's subtle stuff. A film with a "foreign" film feel and sensibility IMO. I got it.
I liked the way we really weren't sure who she was to this guy or whether he was in danger of her or she in danger of him for quite some time. I started out thinking she was a random house he happened upon and fearing for her. Then I though he was a boyfriend she had helped escape. I liked this script and story. Good work!
A few hints: did hebhappen upon her by chance? We know from the ending that she orchestrates the escapes but how? Part of me wants to see him guided to the cottage by something although that removes some of the initial tension your audience naturally feels at their initial meeting (and that would be bad, IMO). I like not knowing the relationship. Maybe something at the end with the pigeon and file. Maybe a note with a guide map? I dunno. Maybe not.
Next sticking point: dogs. Theyd know he was inside. The fact that the police dogs didn't get him strikes me strange. Why? Are the cops in on it or OK with what shes doing? It wasn't 100% clear to me. But I don't think they'd be. I'd suggest losing the dogs. I dont think it changes the story at all but it removes some head scratching for me, anyway.
Overall I really enjoyed this! Please notify me if you update it. I'd love to read it.
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Silent Blue Eyes - Filmed! Showing 1/22 London
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