What I liked: It was very basic and left a lot of room for the cinematographer.  The setting was good.  Non-dialogue pieces are good, particularly for those of us who shoot on loud film cameras.  Foley is easy, ADR not so much.

What I didn't think worked: The ending seemed kind of gimmicky.  It's like she's dropping quarters into a machine.  

This is kind of the same idea as the short movie "Masters of Horror: Dario Argento's Jennifer."

I liked this one. It was simple but called for the attention of the reader. You have to pay attention to know what's going on in the story. There's no dialogue to spell things out. I felt satisfied after reading this having understood what went on.

While this was sound in terms of narrative, I thought the descriptions were a little awkward. I thought often the wrong words were used to describe what was going on. For example:

"The man passes by a pigeonhouse and fumbles on an old tree root, to stagger to the ground. He blusters, swearing."

"Fumbles" should be "stumbles" and should be followed by "and staggers to the ground." I don't even know what "blusters" is supposed to mean. I'd just say "swears." I've heard "ing" verbs are discouraged in screenwriting. They can usually be re-worded to sound stronger. I wrote this way for some time. Lately, I've been trying to cut down on it.

Anyway, the story is strong and intelligently written but I feel like you should pay more attention to details in the descriptions. One or two may seem insignificant but I feel this would read much stronger if the descriptions weren't as awkward. Hope this helps.

Michel,

There is something engaging about your script and I think it's the quiet of the countryside, and the relationship between the man and woman.  I enjoyed the silence.

Here are some notations I made:

How about Texas countryside opposed to Texan countryside.

I think the journey the man takes to arrive at the woman's house feels hurried.  The dogs are on his heels, but they never really seem to gain ground.  You tell us that he comes to a path, then later crosses a river, then leaves a path and enters a forest.

No need to tell us the small farm house looks inhabited.  The drying clothes say that just fine.

As James pointed out before me, your choice of words occasionally gets tangled in the translation.  Fumbles on a root should be "stumbles."  And that follow-up line "to stagger on the ground" is not phrased correctly.

Why do you say the woman must be in her early 30s?  Just say she is in early 30s.  And you don't need the apostrophe after the number -- just say 30s, 40s, etc.

You have the man entering the house twice.  And after that, again the phrasing is weird -- "he sticks his back on the wall."  That conjures up a comical image you don't want.

Once in the house, the pace slows and the imagery is pretty good.  The love scene works for me.  

However, you describe a room as simple and neat "as if belonging to the past."  Simple and neat do not reflect any period of time.  Perhaps tell us that the furnishings are rustic or old.  Be specific with what makes the room look old-fashioned.

I think you need to reverse the spelling of Taps and Pats.  When tending to the man's wound, the woman might pat his wound.  Tapping it suggests something different.

During the scene when the man is about to speak, you tell us that she then looks up at him and puts her finger to his lips.  She has to look up first to notice he is about to speak.

There is a scene when you tell us the woman "shyly lows her eyes."  No need to say shyly.  When she "lowers" her eyes, that is a gesture of shyness or submission.

Rephrase the description of the two making love in front of the rag doll looking amused.  And fix the description of the woman on the following morning, when she  "fixes the ceiling."  You mean to say that she fixes her eyes on the ceiling.

Any thought of this woman laying out fresh clothes for the escapees?  Just a thought since she is helping them start anew.

The end of the story is a bit amusing with the pigeons being released and carrying "files" to the nearby prison.
I guess this is how the men are escaping.  And it should be "the bird glides toward the prison."  No "s" is needed on toward.

Well, I could question how the authorities would allow prisoner after prisoner to escape thanks to a small file, but I guess I'll just enjoy this story for what it is.  What would happen if 2 or 3 prisoners escaped at the same time?  Would they take numbers at her front door - first come, first served??  Ha ha.

Or even more hilarious, what if all the pigeons escaped and a day later, you have a stampede of escaped convicts heading to the woman's house.   Wow.

You set up a nice visual and the tone is good.  Some things need to be fixed, but you capture the feel of this woman's heart darn well.  Good going.

Abe

This did nothing for me. I'm sorry, but the story was just too hard to follow. What I could follow wasn't very interesting. This seems like a 15 page short smashed down into 4 pages, and it suffers because of that. Your format was good though!
4 out 10

Hi everyone

for those who remember this short, I've just submitted the rewrite called now "Silent Blue Eyes".

It'll answer to some questions left aside in the first version.

Hope you'll appreciate it.

Michel

Michel,

I guess I just read the old version. I suppose now I'll be prepared for the new one when it's posted. It's an interesting piece. I've not come across many dialogue free pieces.

I know you're as French as Audrey Tatou and Vincent Cassel so some wording was a little off. But then again I found myself making some allowances for some really nice phrasing that a native English speaker would never produce.

I read through the other posts as I was left a little confused at the end. Otherwise it was really good. It shows how much can be done in just a few pages.

I'll look out for the new draft.

Re

Hi Re,

thank you for the reading.

Quoted from rendevous I guess I just read the old version. I suppose now I'll be prepared for the new one when it's posted. It's an interesting piece. I've not come across many dialogue free pieces.

That was a challenge I imposed to myself: writing a script without any dialog. I'm fond of silent movies, and personally I think a good story doesn't need dialog.

The next version will explain the woman's motivation and I hope will become clearer to the reader.

Michel

Hi everyone,

Don just informed me that the new draft is on.

Thanks

Michel

Michel,

Found your new draft.

Quoted from SBE The summer sun crushes the countryside

I like this, I doubt you'd get away with it if you weren't French. It creates a fine picture in the mind, which is exactly what screenplays should do.

There's a few things which I could be pendantic about, but the meaning wasn't lost so I'll leave those. If anything it makes your scripts unique, a quality most of us seek.

Quoted from SBE and a scar on her left cheek.

I would have liked a bit more detail about the scar, how big etc as it's important and relevant to the plot. Maybe you don't need it and you've said enough. But as it is it could be small and no real problem or it could be huge and ruin her looks. Or maybe inbetween.

Quoted from SBE ...when she puts her finger on her mouth.

I thought you were going to say she puts her finger on his lips. I'd have preferred it.

Quoted from SBE Her skin seems so soft

Not sure you got away with that. More tell than show.

Quoted from SBE takes his hand to her mouth and simply kisses it.

This was a great line, and a perfect example of show not tell.

That's a big gap at the end of page 4, for a moment I thought it had finished.

Biggest piece of I'd give is to watch your tenses. I'm no expert on this but I do know that keeping as much as possible in the present tense will make for a much improved and enjoyable read. Example -

Quoted from SBE Amused, she watches a young beard man (MIKE) who chops logs with a heavy ax. He sweats, apparently exhausted by the effort.

Something instead like 'She watches a young bearded man with a beard with some amusement. He chops logs with a heavy axe. He sweats, exhaustion gets the better of him.'

My thinking on the subject is the beard is fine in the past as it's an object. But reactions and emotions should be happening now.

Apart from that your writing is very visual and quite poetic at times. This is by no means a bad thing to me. As long as it's brief - anything to make a read more enjoyable without taking away from the plot is good in my book.

The flashback was good, relevant and very visual. Shows you You can say a lot without dialogue.

Quoted from SBE The day breaks.

I doubt you need that line.

I'd sum up by saying it feels an improvement on the previous draft. I note the end is still the same. It's probably fine as it is. It implies a lot and leaves the reader / viewer room to work out the rest. That's good for me., i hate being hit over the head with plot.

Quite successful overall. It would make an interesting and memorable short film. There should be more scripts like this. I can't remember the last time I read or seen one quite like it. It's been in my head since I first read it so for that I congratulate you.

Hey Michel. I checked out your new draft. Not bad. I can't say how much of an improvement it is over the original as I read that one over two years ago but still. Good flow, storytelling and use of language. Looking over my original review, I still think there are a few strange word choices, namely amongst the verbs but there were none that particularly stood out. I think a couple of makeovers for this one should do the trick. Sorry if this wasn't too detailed. I suppose my original review wasn't either. In any case, I hope this does something for you.

I liked the story. But as an Actor, I have to say, that this would be incredibly hard to film. Most actors avoid roles with no dialouge. But I liked the script, although it had no talking, it was very simple to read.

Hey Michel, I read the original over thre years ago but I do remember it.  Saying that, I think the flashback scene is new and the ending differs from before?  

I like this and strangely I saw this is in my head as noisey panting scenes of Nick charging through the forest and hiding for his life in the house, intercut with eerie silent scenes of Jane.  The flashback helps to shed some light on to Janes willingness to help the convicted free, or at least a chance of escape that Mike didn't get.

Nice script and I enjoyed it.

Hey michel,

Just finished reading this one.
I do think it's better than the other draft I had read before.
Things are clearer, well, somethings, but this version leaves me with some questions for you...

Who is Mike? Is he someone who was special to her? Her husband maybe?
The reason why I am asking is because he knew sign language, and because she fought the guards.
Maybe he was her husband who was killed by the guards, and they got the wrong guy??? The prisoner was already gone...???
If so, maybe a happy photo of the two of them together in the house, and show the con running away in the woods.
If not, why did she fight so hard with the guards? Because she was lonely wouldn't be enough reason. I mean IF he is an escapee...

Sending the pigeon to the prison at the ending for the guards to come after the escapee after she had him... well, if Mike was her husband, that could explain why the guards would let her have the guy for a while... I mean since they killed him???

***EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY

The summer sun crushes the countryside.***

The summer sun crushes the countryside. I like this description. Beautiful. Vivid. But isn't it redudant, since you have countryside in the scene heading?

Maybe something like: The summer sun crushes the meadow. ???

"She had no scar then." is telling. Maybe something like: Her skin, beautiful, and smooth. A peaches and cream complection. ???

There were a couple other things but it could be the difference between our countries and speech...
like beard. Here we would say bearded.
and threats them. Here we would say threatens them.
so I'm not sure if it is the difference in speech or a type o.

I did like this better than the last draft though.

Cindy

Thanks to you all for the reading and the patience to decipher my English.

Quoted from rendevous I like this, I doubt you'd get away with it if you weren't French. It creates a fine picture in the mind, which is exactly what screenplays should do. There's a few things which I could be pendantic about, but the meaning wasn't lost so I'll leave those. If anything it makes your scripts unique, a quality most of us seek.

That's my trademark for better or for worse (the most often…)

Quoted from rendevous I would have liked a bit more detail about the scar, how big etc as it's important and relevant to the plot. Maybe you don't need it and you've said enough. But as it is it could be small and no real problem or it could be huge and ruin her looks. Or maybe inbetween.

I thought the only mention of the scar would create in the redaer's mind its image. Let's say, the scar is big enough to be noticed.

Quoted from rendevous The flashback was good, relevant and very visual. Shows you You can say a lot without dialogue.

That was the challenge about this script.

Quoted from rendevous Quite successful overall. It would make an interesting and memorable short film. There should be more scripts like this. I can't remember the last time I read or seen one quite like it. It's been in my head since I first read it so for that I congratulate you.

Thank you. That's a real compliment (blush)

Quoted from James McClung Hey Michel. I checked out your new draft. Not bad. I can't say how much of an improvement it is over the original as I read that one over two years ago but still. Good flow, storytelling and use of language.

Thank you James.

Quoted from Eric2nimrod I liked the story. But as an Actor, I have to say, that this would be incredibly hard to film. Most actors avoid roles with no dialouge. But I liked the script, although it had no talking, it was very simple to read.

That's why actors are made for. The actors I know around me would kill to have a part like this, allowing them to show their real talent. Acting is not talking. I know some very good actors who are awful as soon as they open their mouth.

Quoted from alffy Nice script and I enjoyed it.

Thanks Alf…

Quoted from CindyLKeller Maybe he was her husband who was killed by the guards, and they got the wrong guy??? The prisoner was already gone...???

He was actually her husband. He was wanted and when the police came he has that stupid move to threaten them. And like every spouse, she did her best to defend him.

Quoted from CindyLKeller There were a couple other things but it could be the difference between our countries and speech... like beard. Here we would say bearded. and threats them. Here we would say threatens them.

Mea culpa… Sometimes my knowledge of English goes beserk…

Michel

I read this one but it didn't work for me. Did not hold my interest I'm afraid.

Nothing really happened other then prisoner arrive at woman's house, they role around in bed and she let a pigeon fly.

I think the reason it failed to engage me was because the story was very vauge with no clear motive plus your characters had no personlaity that I could see of nor did your story have any emotion. I found it to be a very hollow piece of writing.