This was a very disturbing and depressing story but a solid one as well. I think the best one I've read out of the bunch. It didn't make me feel good though. There's a lot of suffering and heartache. The scene in Iraq was disturbing enough but I think the ending was even more so as you realize William will carry that experience for the rest of his life. The fact that he has to make yet another sacrifice (not marrying Jenny) for a greater good is even more so depressing, especially since she'll probably never fully understand William's intentions.

Nevertheless, I liked this one a lot. It packed the strongest emotional wallop. It wasn't entertaining but it made me feel something. I think a good story has to do one or the other.

Very good job here, Jordan. I think this along with Underneath is your best work. I wish I'd read this before the names were revealed. I don't think I would ever have guessed correctly.

Thanks for the read and comments James

I like this one a lot as well, probably one of the best I have done so far, there are some things that may need to be changed to make it better.

Anyways thanks a lot

I like this a lot. It's actually similar to an idea I had for this OWE but never had time to write. Your idea is better so it's probably best that I didn't enter

You introduce a lot of characters up front. You could've brought them into the story over time. A couple of characters weren't really needed to tell your story so you could probably trim the cast a little.

The concept is great. The moral dilemma is a great vehicle for drama and you pulled it off nicely. It's quite a powerful story for a script so short. I liked how you added some necessary comic relief with the two kids.

There were a few typos here and there that you'll probably catch in the rewrite.

You could work on the VO to avoid simple explaining what we're seeing. The VO could be used to reflect on the action rather than describe it.

Overall, this was a very good story and very mature for such a young author. I doubt I'd have guessed this was written by one of our teen members.

Good job.

Thanks for the read Martin.  I'm glad you liked it.  Considering I wrote this in 3 days, I'm happy with it, but there are some changes that I think need to be made to make it even better.

Thanks for the comments

This is not a genre I would watch, but nevertheless I read it. That "fag" bit may be too much for 10 yr olds. Overall it's good except for the early introductions, where I had to go back 3 times to know who's who.

Thanks for the read mecir.  Yeah the beginning is confusing and I  have changed that.  And when I was 10 I used the word fag non stop...LOL not saying it's right, just that I do know 10 year olds use that word on a regular basis.  Anyway, thanks for the read

Just when you thought this thread was dead and buried..... I have no idea how to finish that sentence so I'll just jump right into the review portion of this... review.

This was a very sweet little short. I wasn't really very active through very much of last year, which explains the eleven month delay of this review, but forgive and forget. You captured the theme of the challenge well, without forcing it down our throats.

There were a couple of corny lines, particularly after we come out of the final flashback, but George covered that in his review, so I won't comment on that too much. Not being a religious man, lines that include the affirmation of God have always seemed really corny and on the nose to me, but that's just a personal thing, not a comment on your writing. More like a comment on my intolerant personality.

Overall, a couple of klunker lines don't tarnish what is an otherwise powerful and very well written short. So I'll just say goob job as always, Jordan!  


Matt.

Yo Ji.., er I mean Chism thanks for the read, this was my second OWE I participated in and I tried to do something really different and it seemed to work out pretty good.

Quoted from chism Not being a religious man, lines that include the affirmation of God have always seemed really corny and on the nose to me, but that's just a personal thing, not a comment on your writing. More like a comment on my intolerant personality. Matt.

Don't worry, I won't mention God in my next script at all  

Thanks again Matt.

This was a solid script. It was well written, particularly the war stuff.

The only nit pick I have is on page ten when you over write graphical violence of bullet wound to the head.

Head blows out is all the descripton you need to create a mental image.

The second sentence about skull blood etc etc is just repeating the first sentence.

But other then that this is a great read.

Thanks for the read Glenn.

I think you are the second person to mention the "brains blowing out" part, Bert was the other.  I usually go a little further with the violence, but yeah, considering the story I could have toned it down, this wasn't saving private Ryan.

Thanks again for the read