The Other Woman by Jordan Wiebe (theboywhocouldfly) - Short, Drama - A young man who just returned from Iraq made a choice that will change not only his life, but those close to him forever.     A July, 2006 One Week Writing Challenge Entry - pdf, format

This one really captured the theme well.  

*You've captured Dylan and Tyler's relationship very well and for some cruel, immature reason I laughed at George's "Don't make me take off my belt!" line.  I don't know, it sounds funny.
*There are some typos and stuff in here.  Missed commas plus plural/singular stuff, such as "The two woman clear the table" should be "women."
*William got separated from the unit.  If the unit is on the other side of town, then what is Private Kurtz doing in that building?

You introduce 8 people right off the bat, but you could have gotten away with only Jenny and William if you wanted to.  The twins kept the story going, George was the knowledgeble father, but with such a short space to write, you don't want to go overboard with characters.  Aside from that this was a powerful story.  William gets himself into a huge conflict and by the end you really have an emotional feel going on here.

So to that I say mission accomplished.  Nice work!

Another of the good ones here. More like a war drama, but the author ties it well to the challenge's theme.

The protagonist faces a moral dilemma; choosing between two wrongs. One of the best plot devices for drama, and the strongest aspect of this script, IMO. The ending was sad but I believed it worked and fits the genre.

Just one thing to pick you on: you could loose a couple of pages to make this script tighter.

The first 18 lines of this script are static description; nothing happens. Could work in a novel, but scripts are about things happening. Try to trim down the descriptions, describe only the essential details and try mixing action with description. Keep things moving in the reader's mind.

As Greg said, we are introduced to many characters right of the bat. A smaller family and/or separate introductions will help the reader remember your characters more easily.

The George-Twins gag was funny, but I think you overdid it a bit.

During the first bit of the flashback, William describes in V.O. exactly what has been described in action lines by the author. Avoid repeating information. The first V.O. is redundant.

Despite this minor beefs, this one worked quite well. Good job.

I enjoyed this one. Not sure who the author is.

Great story, you managed to take the reader to a war-zone without deviating from the theme.

Also, great dialogue, especially from the kids at tetherball-pole. It sounded real and convincing. And right from the start, great descriptions, very vivid.  

Overall, this was an excellent effort, no real major complaints... okay maybe one. The interaction between William and Jenny, right before the fireworks, seemed really cheesy. But other that that really good.

-Zavier
    

I enjoy tghis one too. I bought the first VO, Z, but maybe you are right about that. When we read a voice over is the same we are seen the action isn't it?...Anayway I though it was tense with a good description of the actions.

If was the author, just I f was... at the very endding after William gets out and Jenny gets crying we can hear a SHOT! He deserves it because he never will be in peace of with his conscience. He is already dead.

Nice job!

That was a sweet little tale with a sad ending. I was ok with how it played. I agree with Mr. Z in that the V.O. moving into the war zone told exactly what the description showed meaning the V.O. is redundant. I may work better onscreen than on paper, but typically, if you can show it, you don't tell it at all.

Other than that, I liked it. Well done.

This was a sad story that fit together quite well in this challenge. Good job.
The twins were comical. Maybe a little overdone with dialogue, but still comical.
I liked the way they snaped to attention when their father yelled at them and said, "Yes sir". LOL  With that being said, I think I know who wrote this.  
I liked the mixture of opposites in this one. The kids, and the dad. The Forth of July, and the wounded soldier. A happy woman, and her sullen fiance. It all played together very nicely.
There were some type o's as mentioned, but I really enjoyed the story.
Well done,
Cindy  

This one is one of my favorites so far and I've read most of them.

I liked everything about it.

The writing was great. A few typos (already mentioned) and some descriptive stuff, like the very first sentence having the word orange in it twice. None of this bothered me though.

I like the story A LOT! Lot's of drama and  conflict. I was getting nervous for a while that William was going to choose to save the girl instead of his buddy and this was somehow going to turn into some anti war piece. If you had, I would've strongly disliked this one.

George and Martha, is their last name Washington by any chance?
Phil had two dogs named this in his Pugumentary...............

Excellent job!  

This was a great, dramatic piece where I was able to capture the feelings of every character (even Dylan and Tyler, haha). The scene with Jenny, the Private, and Will was intense which kept me reading more and more into it. THat was the best part, I think.

Good job.

Sean

P.S>

Quoted Text GEORGE (CONT’D) What’s the matter boy? You look like a zombie.

Zombie!

I loved this piece.

It was full of the dramatic.

Echoeing some of the other comments, I really did get a feel for the characters. The dialogue was top notch and I think it was paced very well.

The timing of this is great as well considering that a lot of people I'm sure are going through some of these very same situations and emotions.So good choice on subject matter.

I don't really have anything else to say, except for good job.

-Kotton

Quoted from tomson Holy Cow Jordan! I'm Impressed!!!!

Thank you   Told ya you would never figure it out  

Nice one, Jordan.  This is one I wish I had read without knowing the author.  You seemed pretty proud of your entry, and rightfully so.

But this one is another short that may have a few too many characters.  We might have been able to get by without Arnold and Susan -- keeping this family story a bit more intimate.  Not a big deal, though.

When we enter the flashback, it seems like you might have used the fireworks to segue into the artillery and explosions rocking the streets of Mahmudiyah.  That is a missed opportunity for some nice visuals.

You might have Michael talking a bit much during the flashback -- “Oh my god!  What am I gonna do?” -- telling us things that are already coming through quite clearly based upon the visuals alone.  Something to think about in the future.  A picture is worth a thousand words, you know?

I might also give a second thought to actually showing the girl having her brains blown out.  A nice O.S. GUNSHOT, while focusing on Michael’s reaction -- knowing what he has done -- might be more effective.

These are just some general thoughts, though.  In sum, this is a very powerful piece, well-rounded, and telling a complete story in just a few pages.  Having Kurtz fail to survive this attack lends the story even more resonance.  Nice work.

Thanks for the read Bert.  I think I will re-write this with the suggestions I got, they all seem to work and make this a better script.

Oh yeah, Micheal is private kurtz, William is the lead...LOL, probably my fault cause sometimes I go by the last name, then first name, probably a little confusing, might have to change that as well.

Anyways, thanks for the comments

Sorry about that, Jordan.  I went back to look and that was my bad.  Makes it look like I wasn't paying attention....

I guess you know what I meant anyway -- but, yeah -- it is pretty confusing if you don't keep character names consistent throughout.  Don't swap them around like that anymore.

yeah.  It was kinda hard since, like it a lot of war movies they always go by their last names, I'll fix that.

This was a very disturbing and depressing story but a solid one as well. I think the best one I've read out of the bunch. It didn't make me feel good though. There's a lot of suffering and heartache. The scene in Iraq was disturbing enough but I think the ending was even more so as you realize William will carry that experience for the rest of his life. The fact that he has to make yet another sacrifice (not marrying Jenny) for a greater good is even more so depressing, especially since she'll probably never fully understand William's intentions.

Nevertheless, I liked this one a lot. It packed the strongest emotional wallop. It wasn't entertaining but it made me feel something. I think a good story has to do one or the other.

Very good job here, Jordan. I think this along with Underneath is your best work. I wish I'd read this before the names were revealed. I don't think I would ever have guessed correctly.

Thanks for the read and comments James

I like this one a lot as well, probably one of the best I have done so far, there are some things that may need to be changed to make it better.

Anyways thanks a lot

I like this a lot. It's actually similar to an idea I had for this OWE but never had time to write. Your idea is better so it's probably best that I didn't enter

You introduce a lot of characters up front. You could've brought them into the story over time. A couple of characters weren't really needed to tell your story so you could probably trim the cast a little.

The concept is great. The moral dilemma is a great vehicle for drama and you pulled it off nicely. It's quite a powerful story for a script so short. I liked how you added some necessary comic relief with the two kids.

There were a few typos here and there that you'll probably catch in the rewrite.

You could work on the VO to avoid simple explaining what we're seeing. The VO could be used to reflect on the action rather than describe it.

Overall, this was a very good story and very mature for such a young author. I doubt I'd have guessed this was written by one of our teen members.

Good job.

Thanks for the read Martin.  I'm glad you liked it.  Considering I wrote this in 3 days, I'm happy with it, but there are some changes that I think need to be made to make it even better.

Thanks for the comments

This is not a genre I would watch, but nevertheless I read it. That "fag" bit may be too much for 10 yr olds. Overall it's good except for the early introductions, where I had to go back 3 times to know who's who.

Thanks for the read mecir.  Yeah the beginning is confusing and I  have changed that.  And when I was 10 I used the word fag non stop...LOL not saying it's right, just that I do know 10 year olds use that word on a regular basis.  Anyway, thanks for the read

Just when you thought this thread was dead and buried..... I have no idea how to finish that sentence so I'll just jump right into the review portion of this... review.

This was a very sweet little short. I wasn't really very active through very much of last year, which explains the eleven month delay of this review, but forgive and forget. You captured the theme of the challenge well, without forcing it down our throats.

There were a couple of corny lines, particularly after we come out of the final flashback, but George covered that in his review, so I won't comment on that too much. Not being a religious man, lines that include the affirmation of God have always seemed really corny and on the nose to me, but that's just a personal thing, not a comment on your writing. More like a comment on my intolerant personality.

Overall, a couple of klunker lines don't tarnish what is an otherwise powerful and very well written short. So I'll just say goob job as always, Jordan!  


Matt.

Yo Ji.., er I mean Chism thanks for the read, this was my second OWE I participated in and I tried to do something really different and it seemed to work out pretty good.

Quoted from chism Not being a religious man, lines that include the affirmation of God have always seemed really corny and on the nose to me, but that's just a personal thing, not a comment on your writing. More like a comment on my intolerant personality. Matt.

Don't worry, I won't mention God in my next script at all  

Thanks again Matt.

This was a solid script. It was well written, particularly the war stuff.

The only nit pick I have is on page ten when you over write graphical violence of bullet wound to the head.

Head blows out is all the descripton you need to create a mental image.

The second sentence about skull blood etc etc is just repeating the first sentence.

But other then that this is a great read.

Thanks for the read Glenn.

I think you are the second person to mention the "brains blowing out" part, Bert was the other.  I usually go a little further with the violence, but yeah, considering the story I could have toned it down, this wasn't saving private Ryan.

Thanks again for the read