JD,

Thanks!

Quoted from JD_OK ill fist stated off, all sentences need to be moved in active form. no INGS on verbs ou can visit active and passive thread in class room forum for clarifications.

I thought my sentences were active. Maybe not, though. I'll recheck it.

Quoted from JD_OK It is to my understanding that camera directions can be used in shorts, but use sparringly.

I've decided to remove them.

Quoted from JD_OK pg 2. INT Hall, need to be followed by description. I have fell victim to this aswell. but all scenes need a decription of whats going on before dialog.  Small or big

Are you sure that all scenes require the inclusion of discription before dialogue? I can see how this makes sense, but there must be exceptions.

Quoted from JD_OK pg6, Sally "Fine, you are not.." Shouldnt this diaglos be  voice over from answering machine?

I think I have it as O.S. -- maybe it should be voice over, I'm not sure.

Quoted from JD_OK pg8 lol Im enjoying your dailogue, cute and funny pg did you have her mispell fault on purpose. f a l t, to she is the the dumb one?

She's young and, apparently, not familiar with the word. She certainly isn't dumb. Still, I sometimes get annoyed by how children, in movies, are so often portrayed as being beyond there years in in terms of intellect.

Quoted from JD_OK Also since this is for children I dont think dumb she be used. Not the brightest? pg 9, Im not getting the reference you "shoulds" and he hates them...

Just a play on words.

Quoted from JD_OK pg 11. You prolly already know, but ill state anyway. Reframe from your camaera directions and the dreaded " we hear,we see, and we's period" when writing a spec feature length

Yep, I think I gotta "we see" in there. I'll remove it.

Seth

Good times, again i did enjoy your story. It is very different and thats good. I did agree what others wrote in their feedback. I dont normally read shorts. So I dont try and get into depth on the short realm critique as i do features cuz I dont wanan state anything that I have not business in doing.

Again if you have any questions regarding what i read Ill be happy to answer

This was very diffrent.  very well written. the dialouge was playful. But writing style was unconventional and flippant. Made it a little hard to follow.

You seem to really go out of your way to twist this whole story, right down to the dilaouge, inside out. For example they got a removal van ready to move everything but only think about moving.

Talk about look for cat and end up talking about red trees in California. It almost made me dizzy trying to keep up with everything but it was fun to read.

Why claymation. Your story could suit any style of animation from cgi, water color cel animation to stop motion with dolls and toys.  

I've noticed you are a regular here and have posted a review on many a script but do not seem to have any scripts of your own. (with the exception of this one)

I really enjoyed this. will you be posting anymore scripts?

Quoted from tonkatough This was very diffrent.  very well written. the dialouge was playful. But writing style was unconventional and flippant. Made it a little hard to follow.

The script is, somewhat, unconventional in terms of spec writing. It includes, for example, a handful of camera angles, etc -- these as I told JD in this thread, will be removed in a future rewite.

While the inclusion of such devices may be unconventional, I wouldn't characterize the script as having a flippant air about it. In fact, I'm fairly careful in terms of what words I use.  

Quoted from tonkatough You seem to really go out of your way to twist this whole story, right down to the dilaouge, inside out. For example they got a removal van ready to move everything but only think about moving. Talk about look for cat and end up talking about red trees in California. It almost made me dizzy trying to keep up with everything but it was fun to read.

I think you've missed understood -- Sue and Sid are not simply thinking about moving, they are, as evidenced by the moving truck, moving. They tell Sadie they're "thinking about it" in an effort to avoid speaking the truth.

Quoted from tonkatough Why claymation. Your story could suit any style of animation from cgi, water color cel animation to stop motion with dolls and toys.

You're right. I'll drop the reference.  

Quoted from tonkatough I've noticed you are a regular here and have posted a review on many a script but do not seem to have any scripts of your own. (with the exception of this one)

I've been posting here since, I think, fall. In that time, yes, I've reviewed more scripts than I've submitted. I enjoy reading scripts. As for writing 'em, I've submitted three. One I've removed.

Quoted from tonkatough I really enjoyed this. will you be posting anymore scripts?

I'm working on two now. One is another 30 (or so) page script, the other is a feature. Neither will include camera angles. Both will be simple, easy to read, stories.  

Thanks for the comments. I'll return the favor, but it may take a week or so, I've an off-board script to read.

Seth

Quoted from Seth I'm working on two now. One is another 30 (or so) page script, the other is a feature. Neither will include camera angles. Both will be simple, easy to read, stories.   Thanks for the comments. I'll return the favor, but it may take a week or so, I've an off-board script to read. Seth

Look forward to reading them!

Yep, will have to agree with JD on that one. particular the feature.

Hi Seth, I just finished this, in between work and mandatory Ezra Pound (thematical, no?), so I'll probably have to re-read again, because my thoughts were a bit garbled while reading.

Where to start? The Good stuff? Yes, the good stuff:

I adored Sadie. I thought her remarks ad camera were extremely well done and not too 'cute' or reminiscent of other shows I've seen employ that means of communication. Sadie is a great friend to the reader in that she calls out the hypocrisy and general nonsense of her parents and soceity, yet at the same time she's swept up into the whole J's VS S's hysteria. This means we don't just get a precocious eight-year-old who points her finger at her dumb parents, but a flawed, impressionable kid who invokes sympathy from the reader. For a person made of clay, I found Sadie to be extremely well-rounded character (geddit? Well-rounded? 'Cause she's made of-...don't tell someone else already made that joke?)

The rest of the cast are pretty generic, but I suppose they represent the madness of your society so it doesn't matter.

This did get very confusing at some point. After Sadie runs away from home and there's a lot of cross-cutting going on between Sadie and everyone else, I had a hard time figuring who was with who and why. But this could be the Ezra talking. I need to clear my head tomorrow and give it another gander.

Your descriptions were short and simple, which is exactly how they should be given the simplicity of the story and...welll...simple physiology of the characters. It's very different from the way I write description, which tends to be sort of literary. So it took a little getting used to from this end.

Dialogue was really perfexct for a semi-satirical kid's movie. Especially Sid's Should and Shouldn't dialogue. Extremely creative. Like I think Bert mentioned, this looked like you had a blast writing it. A lot of the wordplays and nonsensical conversations reminded me of Alice in Wonderland when she meets the Queen of Hearts.

The thing I disliked most was, in fact, the ending. But that's because I hate sappy endings with lots of morals and stuff. I know it's a children's story but I was kinda hoping for Sadie to realize that Judy might be a J, but she's still okay (hey that rhymed), and then they would be overwhelmed by each opposing crowds trying to hijack each kid as a poster-child for their kind. Maybe Sadie and Judy could then do an inspirational speech about how it doesn't matter if you're a J or a S and so on. After which the two groups would just continue their quarrelling, not seeing reason at all. Judy and Sadie could then walk away together, rolling their eyes.

I dunno, that was just a random spiel.

But other than that there really wasn't anything wrong with this story, not anything I found in my first reading. It was simply a brilliant, cute kid's film.

Good read.

Quoted from Death Monkey The thing I disliked most was, in fact, the ending. But that's because I hate sappy endings with lots of morals and stuff. I know it's a children's story but I was kinda hoping for Sadie to realize that Judy might be a J, but she's still okay (hey that rhymed), and then they would be overwhelmed by each opposing crowds trying to hijack each kid as a poster-child for their kind. Maybe Sadie and Judy could then do an inspirational speech about how it doesn't matter if you're a J or a S and so on. After which the two groups would just continue their quarrelling, not seeing reason at all. Judy and Sadie could then walk away together, rolling their eyes.

Death Monkey,

Thanks for giving this a read. I appreciate it. As for the ending, you're right. I, when re-reading it, cringe -- it is sappy.  Your idea, though, is a good one. I'm going to give it some thought.  

Thanks again,

Seth

Seth,
I liked this, it was far different from anything I've read on this site. Good back and forth dialogue, you never over did it.
I'm not usually a fan of characters speaking into the camera, but it was effective here...Especially Sadie's bit on pg. 21.
I could picture Grandma's up-do bobbing through the crowd, that was a funny visual.
Overall it was really good, only thing was the ending, but I don't think its that far off. I wouldn't completely overhaul it though, a few minor changes could fix it.

N7, thanks for the read. I plan on returning to this one at some point (hopefully soon).

Be sure to message me when Puppy Love is finished.  

Seth