Hey, just took a look at this one.

Spoilers ahead.

It’s a cool premise having an ex-schizo seeing crazy things again which ended up being real.

The execution pushes a bit too far the audience’s suspense of disbelief, though. If the train is real, I’d expect Toby’s coworkers to tell him about what’s the train doing in the office, since they see him pale, flinching and staring down at it. It’s a bit suspicious that nobody mentions or aknowledges the train till the very end.

Maybe if the train thing was all a set up from his co-workers, a prank o part of an evil plan to get Toby's job (as other reader mentioned) the execution could be a bit more believable.

The premise is fresh though and, overall, it was an enjoyable read.

Good job.

Yeah Mr Z, suspending disbeliefe can be a  real bitch.  I still get muddled when everyone boos and hisses at the Nuke the Fridge scene from Indy 4. I watched that and thought Oh My God that was that most exciting ass kicking moment in the whole movie.

Thank you so much for the read and review  

Nice job. The characters came alive, and the story kept me interested. I liked the way you stayed on track (no pun intended) of working around the central question of whether the trains were real or imagined.

The one piece of constructive feedback for a possible rewrite, would be about adding to the realism and credibility of the piece. (Assuming you want more of a realistic feel.) I had a difficult time believing that the 'flea drawings' would have been left up on the walls, and that a fellow employee would give the protagonist a picture of himself cowering under a desk...with good intentions.

Hi Tonkatough,

Just read your script and thought it was a great script.  Truely kept my attention.  I love the premise.  Did you do much research into this?  lol.

A cracking read.

All the best,


Javier

Thanks for the read Jayrex and Marome.

Yeah you're not the first to have a "difficult time in believing" some of the content in script. Read Mr Z comment up above.

In the past month I have sent this script to three filmakers who have asked to look at it and not one of them have emailed me back. Perhapes they are also having a "difficult time in belieiving" which means I need to seriously reconsider my approach to creating content for my scripts.  Don't step to far out in the left field.    

I wouldn't change your style too much Glenn. I would have enjoyed you taking the story in an even more surreal direction.

Certainly, I wouldn't take a non reply as confirmation of any worries you have over your writing style, simply because you don't know why they weren't interested. It may simply be that they think it would be too hard to do properly in theirbudget range.

I don't know if you've ever heard of a stand up comic called Eddie Izzard. He is a surrealist comedian. He said something in an interview about surrealist comedy that I thought had parallels with film.

Essentially he said that when he first started he would jump straight into the surreal and he realised that he was leaving the audience behind. He said that if you start with a situation that everybody recognises (he used the supermarket in his example) then they have a reference point to hold onto, and from that point you can take them anywhere. You just have to ground them first and then lead them by the hand. But they will go anywhere with you as long as give them something to cling to.

Rick.

Thanks for your advice Rick.

Eddie Izzard sounds like a smart guy and I have heard similar advice with fantasy genre where it is important to anchor fantasy down in reality by have honest well rounded characters and magic that is limited to the laws of physics- sort of. If that makes sense.

Tonka, thanks for reading and commenting.  I just read The Schizo Express.  
I think that it definitely has a nice central theme to it, however that may be its weak point as well.  What I mean is that you really have just one joke that the whole thing is built on.  The train was real.  It is cute, but I must say I didn't really so much as chuckle.  About the time when he calls his wife, I guessed that the train was real.  IT WAS.  Kind of a let down there.  However, the structure was very tight and the plot very clear.  Also the dialogue was pretty good too.  Thanks for commenting!  I am pretty new to this site and to screenwriting.  Be sure to read my sketches on here.  Superclean and Superknife.  I will read and comment on your other things as well.  
-Dave

Hey Tonkatough

The opening descriptions here are very good, short & concise. I work in an office enviroment & see echoes of these characters every day.

You say Toby's name three times in the opening four lines of dialogue. I think after we establish his name referring to him as "he" would suffice.

Kudos on the name "Frabbit" it made me laugh. I think it has been touched upon already but would they really leave the flea drawings of a demented employee all over the office. I know it is necessary in the story for comedic reasons but its very unlikely.

In Sam you have the archetypical office pompous wanker, I love it.

Again I know it's being said already but Trudy's choice of gift is very questionable. I mean who took the photo in the first place & then to frame it in the idea as a present!?

The twist is brilliant "a Guiness World Record" attempt, sure what else could it be.  

I wouldn't have him running away when he hears the paramedic & Sally talking.

An outpouring of relief would be more fitting, some destructive behavior to channel his emotion, the framed photo & Sam are two things that come to mind that he could vent his actions on.

Also the fact that none of his work colleagues acknowledged the train, was it supposed to be a wind up? Doesn't seem to be from the impression givin' by Sally & Trudy. Sam on the other hand it's hard to say so I'm a little unclear on that point.

The ending for me doesn't do credit to an otherwise well written, innovative piece.

Cheers

Col.

Yo tonka

So I really enjoyed reading your script. I found it quite intriquing. As soon as you introduced the train, I was hooked. I couldn't stop reading.

Everyone else pointed out all the small issues I had with script, so I won't bother repeating them. It's an interesting mixture you have going on here. Some aspects of the office (like the dialogue) are very stereotypical while others (like the pictures of fleas hanging up) are bizarre. and even though others suggested that you remove the more bizarre elements, i think you should keep them in the script. it makes the ending much more believable. this is not  your normal office, so it makes sense why the main character went crazy while working there.

At any rate, I'm looking forward to reading more of your stuff.

Oh and great title! couldn't be better

What? Read more of my stuff? Yes, please do as it will help me get over my fragile ego and low self-esteem (isn't that why we all write?)

Phobia 39 is just down below and Gift Of Blood also.    

Glenn,

I'm going to be honest and say that I wasn't a huge fan of the bulk of the script (the bulk of the script being the part dealing with the train).

I liked the first few pages that dealt with Toby and his co-workers (particularly the fleas and cats), even though I thought the first page was a bit too on-the-nose in exposition (mostly Trudy's lines).

I guess the reason I didn't really like the short too much was because I saw the twist coming from almost the second the train showed up.  In the end, I think it was because the idea of a train going through an office didn't seem all that crazy to me.  Add that to the fact that he didn't ask anyone (I know you explained it later), and I just knew where it was going all along, which took the fun out of it for me.

Now, I could see it being an enjoyable short if I hadn't figured it out, but because of that, the whole shtick of the entire script was ruined.  Perhaps if you thought of something SO crazy he would fear asking people, then I think I would believe it more.  I know you're really good at thinking of absurd things, so I don't think this would be a problem for you.

Hey, Tonk.

I knew something was messed up.  I remember reading this awhile ago and couldn't figure out for the life of me why my comment wasn't up on the boards.  Then I read through other people's replies and remembered I was waiting for the argument between you and dogglebe to settle down and I forgot to post.  :-)

Anyway, I thought this was cute and clever for what it was.  Certainly it wasn't based in rock hard real life, I don't understand why people are having such a hard time using their imaginations with this one.

The only thing I would suggest if you plan on working on this anymore is maybe trimming down the phone conversation with his wife.  That gave the ending away right there and took some of the fun out of the paramedic's twist at the end.

Like I said, I enjoyed it.  I thought it was pretty entertaining and would make for a cool little short.

I'll talk to you later.

- Mark

A review is better late then never.

Yeah that rumble I had with Phil ended badly. That fucker got my home address on the net, built a humungus catapault, sat down and wrote a dozen 500 page scripts "Hollywood Pugs" about talking pugs living it up in LA, loaded them up on the catapult and fired them off so the bound scripts smashed every window in my house. Even took out my Plasma screen too.  

Dang  

hey glen. number 3 done! it was pretty cool too! the interesting part was it was different to your other ones, as in the writing style. this one could've been set anywhere and it read like a U.S setting. probalby cos there's no refs to anything that denotes the locality( does that make sense?)

the train thing was well handled and payed off at the end. good job. ok i'll check out your feature  - is it gift of blood? u don't have a link on your sig but nik has it on his, from a thread i read before. i'm on a roll so i'll get to it. cheers man!