The Schizo Express by Glenn Bresciani (tonkatough) - Short - Toby Frabbit has a new life with new medication to suppress his schizophrenia. But when he returns to work, Toby has a nervous breakdown when he is the only one who can see trains gliding through the office on rail tracks. 8 pages - pdf, format

Hey Glenn,

I see you've also crossed over into the land of shorts.  I liked this quite a bit.  Particularly how Toby put up pictures of fleas throughout his office to scare away the large blue cats he thought were after him.  It's so obsurd it almost seems plausible.  

It kind of brought up memories for me of growing up.  One of my mom's friends was deathly afraid of cats.  Everytime she came over it was my job to go find our cat and lock it in the basement before she would set foot in our house.  And our cat was, like, the most adorable, harmless thing you could ever see.  

As for the story, I knew this could only end up one of two ways - either he was sane or not.  I was almost expecting there to be an additional twist but I liked how it ended with him huddled like that under the desk like that.

Toby Frabbit - cool name.  Sounds like it belongs in a nursery rhyme.

I don't have much else to say.  I think maybe if you expanded on this you could find additional ways to have Toby question his sanity.  Maybe he could hear voices from the conductor talking to him or something.

Otherwise good job.  The more short scripts I read, the more they all start to sound the same so it's good to read something that's so different and unusal.

Tonka,

This is different. Not what I expected. I thought, given the subject matter, that the script would be replete with the typical "insanity" motifs. It wasn't. So points there!

Trying not to give to much away, I didn't catch on to the turn or twist until page six. Well done.

I thought the characters were well drawn, believable. I did, though, have a couple of problems with the story. 1) I had a difficult time buying into the idea that the pictures would, after a couple of months, still be hanging. I think you could leave just one that had, perhaps, been missed. This, I think, would be more believable and, at the same time, not effect the story.

2)  Again, I found it difficult, no, impossible, to believe Trudy would give, as a gift, to Toby, the framed photograph that she does. I understand that you needed to establish the fact that Toby, when sick, curled himself up beneath his desk. This, though, could be done through dialogue.

Even so, the above may come off on screen better than it does on paper -- depending on how it's played. In any event, I think this script could easily be produced, and on a low budget. It would require a lot of track, but it could be moved and moved again for all the various shots.

A technical comment - your first slug, INT. WATER COOLER - DAY. I wonder, given that a water cooler is an object, not a location, if OFFICE or INNER OFFICE might be more
appropriate?

I liked this little short.

A few things:

- page 1  INT. WATER COOLER - DAY

I think you mean EXT. instead of INT.  ?

- "He fills a paper cup with water from the water cooler".

You can omit 'from the water cooler'.

- page 3 "...Sam has failed to acknowledged"

acknowledge

!!! SPOILERS !!!

I really liked how you used the concept of a miniature train to question Toby's sanity. It also makes sense for Toby -not- to ask others if they see the train. He is already insecure and embarrassed enough as is.

The ending about the train being real isn't too surprising, but I don't think that matters much. The story as a whole is good.

One thing that I don't really get is why his co-workers confront him with his past lapse of reason? When Sam and Toby tear down the flea posters/drawings, Sam treats Toby a bit like a mentally challenged person or a kid. Toby is 42 years old, so it looks kinda weird. Unless you wanted to stress the fact that people tend to treat people that way when dealing with mentally challenged people?  

Trudy's 'welcome back' gift is a bit far-fetched in my opinion. Not sure how somebody could enjoy a picture like that, or even have a reason to give it as a gift.

At that point, to be honest, I thought they were purposely trying to make him insane again, to get him fired from his job, so they could get a certain promotion or something. LOL. (I am paranoid, shoot me).

I think it would have been more realistic if all evidence of his past lapse had been removed from his work office. No flea posters around, no weird welcome back gifts.

Don't get me wrong. I really liked this short. It had a good pace, good descriptions, and I really felt for him. I just didn't get the "confrontational part" of it all.  

Two people have mentioned the picture in the frame, saying that it isn't believable and perhaps should be changed.

For me that part is a stroke of genius, I absolutely love it.

If you are going to change things around I certainly would keep hold of that.

As regards the twist I'll be honest and say that I realised from the outset that the train set was real. The reason for this is because we have already been informed that he has been seeing things so as an audience we expect at least one reversal, which at that point is that he is sane. So from that point of view the ending meets with our initial expectations.

If he starts the story completely sane and only thinks that he is going mad then what he is witnessing can either be real or not real.

Knowing you as I do, I had a little rush of excitement when we came across the train station. I was expecting to be introduced to some tiny commuters. I was looking forward to some real craziness, seeing what was going on now that his mind had been opened to the true reality of things. I won't say I was disappointed because the script is satisfying as it is, but I just recognise that there were other avenues for you to explore.

One funny thing that occurs to me that could happen is at the very end of the script. I'd like to see the office completely deserted and for the filing cabinet to open slowly. Two huge blue cats  could climb out and look around the office nervously. One could turn to the other and say "Are you sure it's safe? I've heard they've got fleas as big as a mans head...

I think the reversal of sanity/insanity would be interesting. He's been sent round the twist twice by things that were actually there.

Anyway, as always an interesting and enjoyable read.

Rick.

Wow, I was amazed by the varied reactions and different perspectives to my silly little script.  Thank you everyone for the read.

MGJ

Yeah, I was fed up with the feature thread. I would do a script review exchange and not have the other writer return the favour. I noticed that this is where all the action is at the moment so decided to jump into the Short thread.

Seth

I must admit I was a little surprised by what you wrote. You write your scripts with some haunting, dreamscape, surreal imagery.  I thought you would be a little bit more tolerant and excepting of the oddities in my script.  

Movemycheese

I would love to return the favour. Do you have any shorts here you would like me to read?


decadencefilms@37.com


Yeah, I could’ve went all out total crazy with this script but decided to restrain myself. I’m just glad to finally write a script that involves a model train set. I’ve been wanting to do that for years and just glad to get it off my chest. It’s done so now I can move on.  

Quoted from tonkatough Seth I must admit I was a little surprised by what you wrote. You write your scripts with some haunting, dreamscape, surreal imagery.  I thought you would be a little bit more tolerant and excepting of the oddities in my script.

Tonka,

I enjoyed your script. I thought it was original. As for the framed photograph, as I said, this might work better for me on screen than it did on paper -- depending on how it's played.

You're a very creative writer with a unique touch. There are few shorts that I read and think, "I'd like to see this." This short is one 'em.

Seth

Comedy has got to be the hardest to pull off. That being said, your script is the best one I've had the chance to read so far. I laughed all the way through. My favorite bit is when Toby calls his wife for moral support. Anyone whos ever been married knows that's a no-no. Great. I loved it. Now I gotta find your features since I heard that this is a departure from your past styles. I'm interested to see...-MsN

Thanks for the read. MsN. I wasn't even attentionally trying to be funny when I wrote this script so I'm please to hear you got a laugh out of it.

If you want to read more of my stuff I recommend Perplexity Grove. It's written as a comedy-  on purpose I might add.  

Hi,
This was a cool short, very quirky. For some reason the tone of the story reminded me of Being John Malkovich.
The only thing that bugged me was his Wife's last comment, seemed out of place in the story...I could picture her being frustrated with him rather than being so demeaning. Also thought the story might benefit from the train doing a "choo choo" or two during an inapropriate time to add some comic relief.
Overall it was really well thought out, you got a lot of Toby's character across in a real short script.

Hey Glenn, this was a pretty cool script, I think you set it up well and you gave it a nice pay off, even though I did see it coming, I had a feeling the train set was real, not all in his head.

On page 5 you have,

                               TRUDY
              It’s so amazing. You used to hide
              under your desk, scared to death, and
              you WHERE still the best accountant in
              this firm.

I think you meant WERE still the best........

I think the weak part of the script for me was the talk with his wife, maybe it's just me but she didn't seem like the wife of someone who went through what they went through, it just rang false to me.

All in all it was a good read, the drawings of the fleas, the blue cat business, that was pretty funny.  Good job.

I though it was okay. I agree with the above user, the boy who could fly, the conversation with his wife felt... unreal? The story itself just didn't really do it for me. I understand and apprecaite what you were trying to accomplish but it just didn't work for me. There were a lot of grammar errors, I'm sure you've heard. Much of them concerned "where" and "pass". Overwall, it was a decent little script. Thanks for posting it. Keep writing.

Thanks for the read people. I like it when people read my script cause it makes it easier for me to decide which scripts to read next. Read for a read, #1 Simply Script policy.

Hey tonka,

This short was funny. Poor Toby, if he only asked. The dialgoue was top notched and hilarious especially btw Toby and his wife. I think you should give the wife a name. For some odd reason, I got feel of the OFFICE for this script. Good job.

Gabe

Thanks for the read Mr Ripley

Poor Toby indeed. That's the beauty of fiction. someone gets to suffer for our amusment.

Hey, Tonka.  I was glad to see a short by you go up.  I have wanted to check out something by you but have not had the time for a feature.  And I think the logline is wonderful -- it went right on my to-read list as soon as I saw it -- so I specifically avoided reading prior comments on this one.

And you do wring some smiles out of this very imaginative premise.  I am sure the drawings of fleas would be amusing.  I immediately pictured Toby as Steve Carrel, that guy from The Office, but I imagine I will see him in every script set in an office from now on.

As for the trains, think about all the aspects of how that would play out on the screen.  Where is the "Choo-Choo" whistle as it rattles past?  Even funnier when nobody else seems to hear it.  I would have liked a quick scene with trains in the restroom, too.

You know, it may just be me, and I understand that you are trying to impart some urgency, but I really did not care for it when Toby and his wife starting flinging the f-bomb around during their phone conversation.  It did not fit with the tone of the script, and I honestly think you could have wrung more comedy out of their conversation without the use of expletives.  I am not offended by cursing.  It is not a prude thing.  Again, I am talking about the lighthearted tone here -- goofy and light -- and those words diminished it for me somehow.

I kind of saw the ending coming, and I will have to go look at the comments to see if anybody else did. But then, just because I suspected what was coming, that doesn’t mean I was sure.  I am just putting it out there that I was a little disappointed that it went where I thought it would instead of someplace different.

But I do want to let you know that your descriptive techniques worked great for me.  Little "author touches" scattered throughout where you injected your own voice into the proceedings.  Like Trudy’s clothes or adjectives like "spiffy".  Not too much, but just enough.  I like that when I find it, and I like to acknowledge it.

At the very end, where we find Toby beneath his desk, instead of the photo, perhaps we should have a big, blue cat licking its fur?  Just a thought.  

Hey Glen,

I thought this was entertaining. But I have a suggestion that would tighten it up and give it a stronger finish.

***SPOILERS***

What if, after talking to Trudy and storming into his office, Toby went straight under his desk and phoned his wife? A co-worker could walk into Tobies office and think that he’d had another breakdown as is it would look like Toby was talking to himself under the desk. The co-worker could call the paramedics who could show up and sedate Toby before he could utter a word of explanation. You could then cut straight to a paramedic closing the door on the ambulance with Toby in the back. The paramedic could turn to Sally and say, “don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll be fine”.  As the paramedic goes to turn away, he could stop and say, “what’s the go with the model train?” To which Sally would reply, “the boss set it up to break the Guinness World Record for the longest model train track with the most trains running on it”.
The paramedic could smirk and then jump inside the ambulance.  

Writing it this way saves the twist until the very end, which is the best way to finish a story and it's a happy ending for Toby, because he would get to explain himself once he came out of sedation.

Hey Bert. I didn't think about stuff like having the train "Choo choo" it's way through the rest rooms cause when writing this I had no intention of writing a comedy. Quirky yes, but not deliberatly funny. I understand by what you mean by the swearing, but I couldn't help it, I've spent over a year and a half writing a script for an animated children story so I was very keen to write something that had the F word in it.  

Xtopher

Yeah I like your suggestion very much in regards to ending. That would be the best way to go. thanks

Hey Tonka; Pretty bizarre. I thought at first he had pictures of Flea, the bass player for the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but nope! Real fleas to scare of them blue cats.

I think the office people would have been very quick to point out to thier returning collegue about the model train, as it certianly would have been a major hassle for everyone involved. They would have brought it up, like when Sam was walking with him. He might have warned him not to step on it and tick off the boss.

I liked the characters, though, and I enjoyed Sam's high fives and interaction while welcoming him back.

They might have taken all the flea pictures down, except those in his cubicle, to maintain a professional atmosphere. Although with a model train running, professionalism in this accounting firm could be called into question.

I'd suspect that he would have called his Dr. first, as Toby seems to be the type that would have the Doc #1 on his speed dial. Toby's wife could have been more supportive as someone who has had her experiences in dealing with his mental illness.

I did enjoy it overall, though, and the visuals that you created were very imaginative and funny.

I loved it, it was pretty decent. I thought tracks were fake the whole time. I like the twist.

I was asking this question over and over in my head the whole time I was reading this, but I'm not sure if I want to know the answer.... what inspired you to write this?

Thanks for the read and to answer you question I've wanted for a long time to write a script about a toy model train set.

This was pretty good, Glenn.

All the way through I was thinking of the Looney Tunes cartoon where the guy kept seeing the little elephant, but I liked the payoff here.

The ending actually caught me by surprise, since I was going to suggest that Toby see somebody stepping on one of the cars, but I guess it wouldn't really apply here, unless someone in the office was going to screw it up.  Oh well.

Anyway, nice job.

Hey Mike, thanks for the read

A Looney Tunes cartoon with a tiny elephant? It sort of rings a bell but not sure. I remember as a kid it was common in toons and stuff for a drunk to see pink elephants rampaging about, but now that it is a clique no writer would be game to write about that and so you don't see it pop up in cartoons or TV shows or what ever anymore.

Shame really cause pink elephants where kind of cool and freaked out lots of drunk people.

Here's the tiny elephant cartoon.  It's a little over 50 years old.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKoNSYFzA_k

This was a fun read. Toby definitely makes for a sympathetic character. You can really feel his pain throughout the story. The twist makes his antics even more painful to watch. Still, the premise is as hilarious as it is clever. As I've said before, you've got a really distinctive style and it definitely shows up here as well. I don't really have too many pointers to give you. One thing I will say is I think the story would work better if we saw a little more of Toby before he enters the office. He's happy, obviously, but I don't think there's enough time for him to feel secure in his happiness. I think he needs some of that security. As of now, it feels like his panic starts off too soon. I think it'd be funnier and more narratively pleasing if you showed him in the elevator whistling or something along those lines.

On a side note, the opening slug needs to go. A water cooler isn't a location, it's an object. The water cooler's in your location. You just need to decide what that location is and create an appropriate slug for it. I'm surprise no one's noticed this yet.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this one. Good work, Glenn.

Well there is not really much that I can say that has not already been said about this. But I will have a go.

I found the story itself to be quite amusing. Not laugh out loud funny, but it definitely raised a smile. You can really feel for Toby, having just got over a mental problem he is confronted with this tiny rail track that nobody else seems to see. Knowing what he had just gone through I think that one of his colleagues could have at least pointed out that the train was indeed real just in case Toby has the reaction he does.

This leads me to his conversation with his wife. She of all people must understand the delicate situation his mind is in so why does she get angry at him? Instead of trying to talk to him rationally she basically tells him to " **** off and phone an ambulance". This is not the sign of a loving relationship.

Personally I had no problem with the ending as you wrote it. It was very funny that Toby has reverted to madness and all he had to do was exactly what the paramedic did...ask about the train...funny.

Dialog. For the most part it was spot on, but like others I did have a problem with the phone conversation with his wife.

One bit that stood out slightly

Quoted from script SAM So, the flea art can go? Mmm? The big blue cats are all gone?

Either lose the first question mark or the Mmm. As it reads now it is a bit awkward

so

Quoted from script SAM So, the flea art can go mmm? The big blue cats are all gone?

or

Quoted from script SAM So, the flea art can go?  The big blue cats are all gone?

Scene descriptions. These were also good. They were very quick firing and snappy. They detailed everything that you needed to know to follow the story and left out any pointless descriptions that would fall into the "show, don't tell" category.

All in all it was a fun little read that was well written, flowed nicely and was just the right length for the story being told.

Hi,

I don't believe I've ever read anything of yours before so I had no idea what to expect. I haven't read any previous comments either.

I REALLY liked this one. I thought it was great. I enjoyed the way you write too. Action paragraphs broken up into shots makes it easier to picture as film too. Great job on that too.

Your logline is great, but I wish you'd omit mentioning the Schizo part. Just the mentioning of medication works great on its own to get me interested.

I thought the story was fun and imaginative. I loved the flea pictures and the blue cat. The trains going by was great and I can easily believe someone thinking they're going insane by seeing them chug along everywhere.

I think my only beef with this story would be the conversation with his wife. I didn't like her and I thought she seemed like a mean bitch rather than a supportive wife. Other than that GREAT JOB!!  

Hey Tonka

Well what a way to start 'porcupine hairstyle', I love that!

I liked the telephone call between Toby and his wife, it really seemed like she'd had enough of his illness.  The conversation was excellent.

I also liked the twist at the end, I did have an inkling that the train track would be real but it still worked well.  Toby's panic at his mistake after calling for the paramedics was great, very funny.

I could really picture this in my head, Toby sweating and panicing about whether or not he was ok for work or still ill.

Good stuff, I enjoyed this short a lot.

I really liked this.  Like a lot.  I'm not sure why, really.  It just made me, like, giddy.  I'm still smiling.  Just the whole idea of it is...great.  You've got such an imagination man, I just love it.  And the ending was great, i kind of saw it coming but at the same time was surprised, it's hard to explain.

The only thing that didn't really seem to fit was his conversation with his wife--not the whole thing, just the end.  I think she should hang up rather than call him a baby, it didn't really work for me.

Good Job

--Tyler

Thanks for the read higgo, Pia, Daren and allfy. Glad you all liked.

Hey Tonka,

This was a cool little short. Pretty simple and straight forward with a nice twist in the end. First I would like to say that I thought your character descriptions were really good and they set a great tone for the script.

I kinda had a hunch about the train and the tracks but I kept discarting it as, like "Nah, that would be too easy". And while the twist certainly was easy, it still worked great. I think the way you played it out in the end was just right.

I also liked the dialogue a lot. It was crisp and fast. Well done.

My only beef with this script is the conversation Toby has with his wife. I don't know, maybe she's just fed up with him but she doesn't seem very supportive and I was kinda expecting that from her.

Anyway, a cool read. Keep it up.

Cheers
Rob

PS: I'm not sure about your first slug "INT. WATER COOLER- DAY". Are we inside a water cooler? That doesn't really make much sense.

Hi, Tonka

I see you started to write short scripts. For first try it was very good. A small story with nice plot, good dialog and funny personage. (Poor crazy Toby scared by Blue Cat - I laked it) Since it's a small budjet short why you not take a camera, make it and post it on Youtub, i'm sure it gonna stand out from a lot of stupid videos they have there.

Good luck, keep writing.

Tonka,

Good going. Cute little story. Kinda figured the ending but it still worked well. The fact that he reacted the way he did made knowing the reality status of the train even better.

Not sure of the photo present. Seems a little mean spirited for the lady to give, maybe the guy though.

I like how the place kept the blue at pictures up. Like a mascot.

thanks for the read guys. Yeah I agree with you datha, it wouldn't be to hard to knock this script over with a small budget. I'm surprised no one has had a stab at it yet, unless it is hard to get your hands on a train set.

SupTonka,

I really enjoyed reading this one. The descriptions you set for your characters i thought made a perfect picture for me to imagine. Sometimes, i have be honest, i feel that some people think of endings out of nowhere adn that just ruins schorts for me. But you did a great job writing one that made sense.

Good job, can't wait to read more from you.

Bryan.

Hey, man, just read the script.  I liked it.  It's pretty simple, you could shoot it for pratically nothing.  All in all, it's pretty good.

I love the title.  It's saw it and I knew I wanted to read the script immedaitely.  I didn't even bother reading the log line, the title was enough to hook me.

I like the choice of Trudy giving him the picture because the way I see it, she thinks he's fine, so she's giving the picture to him kinda as a funny reminder of how he was before and how he's (he doesn't know it yet) conquered his disease.  I think it's just meant to be a gag gift they could both get a laugh out of over time.

All that being said, there were a few things that irked me(You wrote the script a while ago so I'm not sure if you've already fixed the problems):

--Instead of INT. WATER COOLER - DAY, the easiest sugguestion would just be INT. BY THE WATER COOLER - DAY or even just say INT. OFFICE - DAY and just say that they're standing at the water cooler.  Pretty much anything sounds better than having them actually inside the water cooler(even though I don't think anyone would actually think that).

--In the opening scene, they say Toby's name way to much.  I think having him say Toby's coming back and then they can just refer to he/him after that.  That's why the pronoun was invented.

--Like most people, I had a problem with the wife conversation.  I suggest, losing the F-bombs because they're pretty unecessary in the story and maybe he should call his doctor instead and have the doctor not believe him when he says he's took his meds and all he does is just insist he take more.

--I think it would be more effective if you lost all the flea posters except for one and have it be on his office door.  And then him and Sam can remove it and it's like a big thing cause he's moving away from the past.

--The paramedics would be in such a big hurry, I don't think they'd stop and chat about the trains.  They'd look down and notice it but they're #1 priority would be to get Toby.  I think you should think of a different way to show that the trains are real.

I believe that you could knock out a pretty sweet second draft on this thing.  It definitely has potential.  And I encourage you go grab a camera and shoot this thing.  You could probably shoot it for table scraps and if done properly, could draw in big youtube crowds if you decided to post it there.  God knows they need something actually good instead the hundreds of thousands of parody videos.  Those things make me want to rip my eyes out.

Good job.  I had fun reading it.

I didn't like this script, starting with the opening header.  It's shouldn't have been INT. WATER COOLER.  It should have been INT.  OFFICE KITCHEN.  When I saw water cooler, I expected goldfish swimming in the water.

You introduce/describe Sam as brash, but I didn't see him as such.

I thought that everyone's attitude regarding Toby's condition was too casual and unrealistic.  No one seemed nervous or uptight with him.  No one thought that the crazy guy might pull out a machete the next time the copier jams.  It was like he was away as a spa for the weekend.

The drawings should've come down as soon as he put them up.  It's unprofessional and bad for business to have such things up where people could see them.  Toby's delusion (and remedy for this delusion), were interesting and original though.

Trudy's gift?  "Here Toby.  Here's a little something to remind you that you're crazy!"  WTF??

Karen was a very cold-hearted woman.  Not at all supportive.  Didn' like her at all.  Why didn't she suggest that Toby call his doctor?

Have you done any research into schizophrenia?  It's more than just seeing thngs and the treatment isn't perfect.  Rent A Beautiful Mind to see a little bit about what schizophrenia is about.


Phil

well of coarse you didn't like it Dogglebe. No suprise there.

And yes A beautiful mind is a brilliant movie.  Something we can both agree on.

Thanks to Chomico and Hoody for the read.

Hoody you just made my choice for next script to read all the more easier. A little script about a goat called Elvis

Quoted from tonkatough well of coarse you didn't like it Dogglebe. No suprise there.

I didn't like the script and I explained why I didn't like it.  Thanks for making me like I wasted my time reviewing it.

If you don't like criticism, you shouldn't post your scripts where people might review them.


Phil

Aw come on Dogglebe, no need to get all huffy. I appreciate everybodies review and pleased that they took the time to read.

I was just referring to how your reviews are most of the time predictable. You dislike a script then expalin why in a logical, rational way.  

Hey Glenn,

Kind of a quirky script you got here.  By the end I thought it was a good read, but feel there's stuff that can be done.

*There's several clumsy punctuation and grammar errors throughout.  Knock those things down.
*I felt the wife was way out of line here.  The guy went through 2 months of treatment and is going back to work and he feels that he's not entirely cured and she gives him mouth about it?  Eh.
*Like the back story of the blue cats/pictures of fleas.  Helped set up the story really well.
*You know what I think would be an even better ending?  You have the ambulance show up, they go to Toby's office, take him out on the stretcher, and just as they're exiting the lobby, one of the paramedics goes "What's with all the trains?" or something along those lines.  Fade out.  The end.  That and also reducing the wife's foreshadowing.  The second she said "there's probably a perfect explanation" I figured the story would end with him being perfectly sane.

Creative piece you've mustered up here.  I think with some tweaking you can make it even better!  Best of luck to ya!

I could actually accept that the wife was a bit cold. You have to take into account that she might have been putting up with his antics for a long time before he got treatment, so maybe she's Just over it.

When's the rewrite going to be up, Glen?

Quoted from tonkatough I was just referring to how your reviews are most of the time predictable. You dislike a script then expalin why in a logical, rational way.

Would you rather I write a review like, "This script sucks goat balls!"  I'm sure I can come up with harsh criticism that won't help you at all.


Phil

This was a great little story. I liked the sense of momentum ( appropriate with trains) as Toby feels more and more like he's headed off the edge. It reads well and moves fast, I could picture the action while reading, Toby's rushing about while a wacky Vic Mizzy score plays.

The ending was pat and funny, the only thing I'd suggest is slightly changing the picture in the frame....maybe he should be huddled under the desk all sweaty, clutching an Employee Of The Month trophy.

Otherwise, a good frantic little script, lots of fun!

Thanks Mikep for the read

You suggestion of  Employee of the month trophy cracked me up.

Hey, just took a look at this one.

Spoilers ahead.

It’s a cool premise having an ex-schizo seeing crazy things again which ended up being real.

The execution pushes a bit too far the audience’s suspense of disbelief, though. If the train is real, I’d expect Toby’s coworkers to tell him about what’s the train doing in the office, since they see him pale, flinching and staring down at it. It’s a bit suspicious that nobody mentions or aknowledges the train till the very end.

Maybe if the train thing was all a set up from his co-workers, a prank o part of an evil plan to get Toby's job (as other reader mentioned) the execution could be a bit more believable.

The premise is fresh though and, overall, it was an enjoyable read.

Good job.

Yeah Mr Z, suspending disbeliefe can be a  real bitch.  I still get muddled when everyone boos and hisses at the Nuke the Fridge scene from Indy 4. I watched that and thought Oh My God that was that most exciting ass kicking moment in the whole movie.

Thank you so much for the read and review  

Nice job. The characters came alive, and the story kept me interested. I liked the way you stayed on track (no pun intended) of working around the central question of whether the trains were real or imagined.

The one piece of constructive feedback for a possible rewrite, would be about adding to the realism and credibility of the piece. (Assuming you want more of a realistic feel.) I had a difficult time believing that the 'flea drawings' would have been left up on the walls, and that a fellow employee would give the protagonist a picture of himself cowering under a desk...with good intentions.

Hi Tonkatough,

Just read your script and thought it was a great script.  Truely kept my attention.  I love the premise.  Did you do much research into this?  lol.

A cracking read.

All the best,


Javier

Thanks for the read Jayrex and Marome.

Yeah you're not the first to have a "difficult time in believing" some of the content in script. Read Mr Z comment up above.

In the past month I have sent this script to three filmakers who have asked to look at it and not one of them have emailed me back. Perhapes they are also having a "difficult time in belieiving" which means I need to seriously reconsider my approach to creating content for my scripts.  Don't step to far out in the left field.    

I wouldn't change your style too much Glenn. I would have enjoyed you taking the story in an even more surreal direction.

Certainly, I wouldn't take a non reply as confirmation of any worries you have over your writing style, simply because you don't know why they weren't interested. It may simply be that they think it would be too hard to do properly in theirbudget range.

I don't know if you've ever heard of a stand up comic called Eddie Izzard. He is a surrealist comedian. He said something in an interview about surrealist comedy that I thought had parallels with film.

Essentially he said that when he first started he would jump straight into the surreal and he realised that he was leaving the audience behind. He said that if you start with a situation that everybody recognises (he used the supermarket in his example) then they have a reference point to hold onto, and from that point you can take them anywhere. You just have to ground them first and then lead them by the hand. But they will go anywhere with you as long as give them something to cling to.

Rick.

Thanks for your advice Rick.

Eddie Izzard sounds like a smart guy and I have heard similar advice with fantasy genre where it is important to anchor fantasy down in reality by have honest well rounded characters and magic that is limited to the laws of physics- sort of. If that makes sense.

Tonka, thanks for reading and commenting.  I just read The Schizo Express.  
I think that it definitely has a nice central theme to it, however that may be its weak point as well.  What I mean is that you really have just one joke that the whole thing is built on.  The train was real.  It is cute, but I must say I didn't really so much as chuckle.  About the time when he calls his wife, I guessed that the train was real.  IT WAS.  Kind of a let down there.  However, the structure was very tight and the plot very clear.  Also the dialogue was pretty good too.  Thanks for commenting!  I am pretty new to this site and to screenwriting.  Be sure to read my sketches on here.  Superclean and Superknife.  I will read and comment on your other things as well.  
-Dave

Hey Tonkatough

The opening descriptions here are very good, short & concise. I work in an office enviroment & see echoes of these characters every day.

You say Toby's name three times in the opening four lines of dialogue. I think after we establish his name referring to him as "he" would suffice.

Kudos on the name "Frabbit" it made me laugh. I think it has been touched upon already but would they really leave the flea drawings of a demented employee all over the office. I know it is necessary in the story for comedic reasons but its very unlikely.

In Sam you have the archetypical office pompous wanker, I love it.

Again I know it's being said already but Trudy's choice of gift is very questionable. I mean who took the photo in the first place & then to frame it in the idea as a present!?

The twist is brilliant "a Guiness World Record" attempt, sure what else could it be.  

I wouldn't have him running away when he hears the paramedic & Sally talking.

An outpouring of relief would be more fitting, some destructive behavior to channel his emotion, the framed photo & Sam are two things that come to mind that he could vent his actions on.

Also the fact that none of his work colleagues acknowledged the train, was it supposed to be a wind up? Doesn't seem to be from the impression givin' by Sally & Trudy. Sam on the other hand it's hard to say so I'm a little unclear on that point.

The ending for me doesn't do credit to an otherwise well written, innovative piece.

Cheers

Col.

Yo tonka

So I really enjoyed reading your script. I found it quite intriquing. As soon as you introduced the train, I was hooked. I couldn't stop reading.

Everyone else pointed out all the small issues I had with script, so I won't bother repeating them. It's an interesting mixture you have going on here. Some aspects of the office (like the dialogue) are very stereotypical while others (like the pictures of fleas hanging up) are bizarre. and even though others suggested that you remove the more bizarre elements, i think you should keep them in the script. it makes the ending much more believable. this is not  your normal office, so it makes sense why the main character went crazy while working there.

At any rate, I'm looking forward to reading more of your stuff.

Oh and great title! couldn't be better

What? Read more of my stuff? Yes, please do as it will help me get over my fragile ego and low self-esteem (isn't that why we all write?)

Phobia 39 is just down below and Gift Of Blood also.    

Glenn,

I'm going to be honest and say that I wasn't a huge fan of the bulk of the script (the bulk of the script being the part dealing with the train).

I liked the first few pages that dealt with Toby and his co-workers (particularly the fleas and cats), even though I thought the first page was a bit too on-the-nose in exposition (mostly Trudy's lines).

I guess the reason I didn't really like the short too much was because I saw the twist coming from almost the second the train showed up.  In the end, I think it was because the idea of a train going through an office didn't seem all that crazy to me.  Add that to the fact that he didn't ask anyone (I know you explained it later), and I just knew where it was going all along, which took the fun out of it for me.

Now, I could see it being an enjoyable short if I hadn't figured it out, but because of that, the whole shtick of the entire script was ruined.  Perhaps if you thought of something SO crazy he would fear asking people, then I think I would believe it more.  I know you're really good at thinking of absurd things, so I don't think this would be a problem for you.

Hey, Tonk.

I knew something was messed up.  I remember reading this awhile ago and couldn't figure out for the life of me why my comment wasn't up on the boards.  Then I read through other people's replies and remembered I was waiting for the argument between you and dogglebe to settle down and I forgot to post.  :-)

Anyway, I thought this was cute and clever for what it was.  Certainly it wasn't based in rock hard real life, I don't understand why people are having such a hard time using their imaginations with this one.

The only thing I would suggest if you plan on working on this anymore is maybe trimming down the phone conversation with his wife.  That gave the ending away right there and took some of the fun out of the paramedic's twist at the end.

Like I said, I enjoyed it.  I thought it was pretty entertaining and would make for a cool little short.

I'll talk to you later.

- Mark

A review is better late then never.

Yeah that rumble I had with Phil ended badly. That fucker got my home address on the net, built a humungus catapault, sat down and wrote a dozen 500 page scripts "Hollywood Pugs" about talking pugs living it up in LA, loaded them up on the catapult and fired them off so the bound scripts smashed every window in my house. Even took out my Plasma screen too.  

Dang  

hey glen. number 3 done! it was pretty cool too! the interesting part was it was different to your other ones, as in the writing style. this one could've been set anywhere and it read like a U.S setting. probalby cos there's no refs to anything that denotes the locality( does that make sense?)

the train thing was well handled and payed off at the end. good job. ok i'll check out your feature  - is it gift of blood? u don't have a link on your sig but nik has it on his, from a thread i read before. i'm on a roll so i'll get to it. cheers man!