Hey, Tonka.  I was glad to see a short by you go up.  I have wanted to check out something by you but have not had the time for a feature.  And I think the logline is wonderful -- it went right on my to-read list as soon as I saw it -- so I specifically avoided reading prior comments on this one.

And you do wring some smiles out of this very imaginative premise.  I am sure the drawings of fleas would be amusing.  I immediately pictured Toby as Steve Carrel, that guy from The Office, but I imagine I will see him in every script set in an office from now on.

As for the trains, think about all the aspects of how that would play out on the screen.  Where is the "Choo-Choo" whistle as it rattles past?  Even funnier when nobody else seems to hear it.  I would have liked a quick scene with trains in the restroom, too.

You know, it may just be me, and I understand that you are trying to impart some urgency, but I really did not care for it when Toby and his wife starting flinging the f-bomb around during their phone conversation.  It did not fit with the tone of the script, and I honestly think you could have wrung more comedy out of their conversation without the use of expletives.  I am not offended by cursing.  It is not a prude thing.  Again, I am talking about the lighthearted tone here -- goofy and light -- and those words diminished it for me somehow.

I kind of saw the ending coming, and I will have to go look at the comments to see if anybody else did. But then, just because I suspected what was coming, that doesn’t mean I was sure.  I am just putting it out there that I was a little disappointed that it went where I thought it would instead of someplace different.

But I do want to let you know that your descriptive techniques worked great for me.  Little "author touches" scattered throughout where you injected your own voice into the proceedings.  Like Trudy’s clothes or adjectives like "spiffy".  Not too much, but just enough.  I like that when I find it, and I like to acknowledge it.

At the very end, where we find Toby beneath his desk, instead of the photo, perhaps we should have a big, blue cat licking its fur?  Just a thought.  

Hey Glen,

I thought this was entertaining. But I have a suggestion that would tighten it up and give it a stronger finish.

***SPOILERS***

What if, after talking to Trudy and storming into his office, Toby went straight under his desk and phoned his wife? A co-worker could walk into Tobies office and think that he’d had another breakdown as is it would look like Toby was talking to himself under the desk. The co-worker could call the paramedics who could show up and sedate Toby before he could utter a word of explanation. You could then cut straight to a paramedic closing the door on the ambulance with Toby in the back. The paramedic could turn to Sally and say, “don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll be fine”.  As the paramedic goes to turn away, he could stop and say, “what’s the go with the model train?” To which Sally would reply, “the boss set it up to break the Guinness World Record for the longest model train track with the most trains running on it”.
The paramedic could smirk and then jump inside the ambulance.  

Writing it this way saves the twist until the very end, which is the best way to finish a story and it's a happy ending for Toby, because he would get to explain himself once he came out of sedation.

Hey Bert. I didn't think about stuff like having the train "Choo choo" it's way through the rest rooms cause when writing this I had no intention of writing a comedy. Quirky yes, but not deliberatly funny. I understand by what you mean by the swearing, but I couldn't help it, I've spent over a year and a half writing a script for an animated children story so I was very keen to write something that had the F word in it.  

Xtopher

Yeah I like your suggestion very much in regards to ending. That would be the best way to go. thanks

Hey Tonka; Pretty bizarre. I thought at first he had pictures of Flea, the bass player for the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but nope! Real fleas to scare of them blue cats.

I think the office people would have been very quick to point out to thier returning collegue about the model train, as it certianly would have been a major hassle for everyone involved. They would have brought it up, like when Sam was walking with him. He might have warned him not to step on it and tick off the boss.

I liked the characters, though, and I enjoyed Sam's high fives and interaction while welcoming him back.

They might have taken all the flea pictures down, except those in his cubicle, to maintain a professional atmosphere. Although with a model train running, professionalism in this accounting firm could be called into question.

I'd suspect that he would have called his Dr. first, as Toby seems to be the type that would have the Doc #1 on his speed dial. Toby's wife could have been more supportive as someone who has had her experiences in dealing with his mental illness.

I did enjoy it overall, though, and the visuals that you created were very imaginative and funny.

I loved it, it was pretty decent. I thought tracks were fake the whole time. I like the twist.

I was asking this question over and over in my head the whole time I was reading this, but I'm not sure if I want to know the answer.... what inspired you to write this?

Thanks for the read and to answer you question I've wanted for a long time to write a script about a toy model train set.

This was pretty good, Glenn.

All the way through I was thinking of the Looney Tunes cartoon where the guy kept seeing the little elephant, but I liked the payoff here.

The ending actually caught me by surprise, since I was going to suggest that Toby see somebody stepping on one of the cars, but I guess it wouldn't really apply here, unless someone in the office was going to screw it up.  Oh well.

Anyway, nice job.

Hey Mike, thanks for the read

A Looney Tunes cartoon with a tiny elephant? It sort of rings a bell but not sure. I remember as a kid it was common in toons and stuff for a drunk to see pink elephants rampaging about, but now that it is a clique no writer would be game to write about that and so you don't see it pop up in cartoons or TV shows or what ever anymore.

Shame really cause pink elephants where kind of cool and freaked out lots of drunk people.

Here's the tiny elephant cartoon.  It's a little over 50 years old.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKoNSYFzA_k

This was a fun read. Toby definitely makes for a sympathetic character. You can really feel his pain throughout the story. The twist makes his antics even more painful to watch. Still, the premise is as hilarious as it is clever. As I've said before, you've got a really distinctive style and it definitely shows up here as well. I don't really have too many pointers to give you. One thing I will say is I think the story would work better if we saw a little more of Toby before he enters the office. He's happy, obviously, but I don't think there's enough time for him to feel secure in his happiness. I think he needs some of that security. As of now, it feels like his panic starts off too soon. I think it'd be funnier and more narratively pleasing if you showed him in the elevator whistling or something along those lines.

On a side note, the opening slug needs to go. A water cooler isn't a location, it's an object. The water cooler's in your location. You just need to decide what that location is and create an appropriate slug for it. I'm surprise no one's noticed this yet.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this one. Good work, Glenn.

Well there is not really much that I can say that has not already been said about this. But I will have a go.

I found the story itself to be quite amusing. Not laugh out loud funny, but it definitely raised a smile. You can really feel for Toby, having just got over a mental problem he is confronted with this tiny rail track that nobody else seems to see. Knowing what he had just gone through I think that one of his colleagues could have at least pointed out that the train was indeed real just in case Toby has the reaction he does.

This leads me to his conversation with his wife. She of all people must understand the delicate situation his mind is in so why does she get angry at him? Instead of trying to talk to him rationally she basically tells him to " **** off and phone an ambulance". This is not the sign of a loving relationship.

Personally I had no problem with the ending as you wrote it. It was very funny that Toby has reverted to madness and all he had to do was exactly what the paramedic did...ask about the train...funny.

Dialog. For the most part it was spot on, but like others I did have a problem with the phone conversation with his wife.

One bit that stood out slightly

Quoted from script SAM So, the flea art can go? Mmm? The big blue cats are all gone?

Either lose the first question mark or the Mmm. As it reads now it is a bit awkward

so

Quoted from script SAM So, the flea art can go mmm? The big blue cats are all gone?

or

Quoted from script SAM So, the flea art can go?  The big blue cats are all gone?

Scene descriptions. These were also good. They were very quick firing and snappy. They detailed everything that you needed to know to follow the story and left out any pointless descriptions that would fall into the "show, don't tell" category.

All in all it was a fun little read that was well written, flowed nicely and was just the right length for the story being told.

Hi,

I don't believe I've ever read anything of yours before so I had no idea what to expect. I haven't read any previous comments either.

I REALLY liked this one. I thought it was great. I enjoyed the way you write too. Action paragraphs broken up into shots makes it easier to picture as film too. Great job on that too.

Your logline is great, but I wish you'd omit mentioning the Schizo part. Just the mentioning of medication works great on its own to get me interested.

I thought the story was fun and imaginative. I loved the flea pictures and the blue cat. The trains going by was great and I can easily believe someone thinking they're going insane by seeing them chug along everywhere.

I think my only beef with this story would be the conversation with his wife. I didn't like her and I thought she seemed like a mean bitch rather than a supportive wife. Other than that GREAT JOB!!  

Hey Tonka

Well what a way to start 'porcupine hairstyle', I love that!

I liked the telephone call between Toby and his wife, it really seemed like she'd had enough of his illness.  The conversation was excellent.

I also liked the twist at the end, I did have an inkling that the train track would be real but it still worked well.  Toby's panic at his mistake after calling for the paramedics was great, very funny.

I could really picture this in my head, Toby sweating and panicing about whether or not he was ok for work or still ill.

Good stuff, I enjoyed this short a lot.

I really liked this.  Like a lot.  I'm not sure why, really.  It just made me, like, giddy.  I'm still smiling.  Just the whole idea of it is...great.  You've got such an imagination man, I just love it.  And the ending was great, i kind of saw it coming but at the same time was surprised, it's hard to explain.

The only thing that didn't really seem to fit was his conversation with his wife--not the whole thing, just the end.  I think she should hang up rather than call him a baby, it didn't really work for me.

Good Job

--Tyler

Thanks for the read higgo, Pia, Daren and allfy. Glad you all liked.