Souvenir by A.B. Steel (absteel) - Short, Thriller - All Tom Barrett wants to do is write the great American novel, but his obnoxious neighbors are a big distraction. 21 pages - pdf, format

Steel,

This was a very well written piece.  Vivid descriptions made it a breeze to read, but toward the end I was feeling sort of let down...until the final blow, where that made everything better.

We were talking about this in the chat room the other night and you made it sound like the typewriter is actually this mysterious fantasy-gizmo...or at least that's what my mind interpreted it as.  But this kind of gave me a new look at it, because it offers the question over whether the type writer is really this mysterious fantasy-gizmo, or if Tom is really just this manic writer guy.  In that sense, you executed it perfectly because that's a question you could hang us all onto without feeling like we were jipped out of a real thrill ending.

But, ya know, up until the very last segment, the story seemed overly routine at certain parts.  I mean, up until he started writing on the typewriter, it was just a guy going about his business.  I didn't feel the mystery or anything like that.  Maybe adding in the screaming neighbors a bit earlier could have helped.

Like I said, though, in the end when we learn that Tom killed these folks, I thought that was a very top-notch zinger of an ending.  Is this guy crazy?  I mean, in his story, the two people were lovers while in reality, the neighbors were screaming at each other, yet he perceives it as two different situations.  I think when all was said and done with this story, it makes for an interesting character study.

So overall it was very well written and gave me a good ZING at the end.  Good job!

Thanks for reading, Greg. I think the theme of this story is, "When the right creator and right tools meet, magic happens." Tom wouldn't have done it without the typewriter. Likewise, the typewriter might not have the same effect on someone else.

When Tom comes home he snarls at the truck. It's the neighbor's truck. Maybe I should make that more obvious? And in the rewrite, I'll add some screaming neighbors at the beginning, before the power goes out.

I'm glad you like it.

PS: Do you think it warrants morel? I've thought about writing a series of shorts, all centered on Tom and his typewriter. Same template, though. Tom has a problem, then he writes, and then people end up dead.

A well-written piece. Nice, tight descriptions, as Greg stated, made it a quick, fun read. Of course, the idea of a writer's work coming to life (in some manner) is not new, but this was still well executed.

A couple of very minor points (with spoilers):

- You mention Tom's "meticulously organized" office, yet later describe other parts of his place as messy. This seems a bit inconsistent.

- Page 2: "A nice, cozy kitchen. The remnants of a nice meal is on the table..." Shouldn't that be "remnants of a nice meal are on the table" since you're referring to the remnants not the meal?

- Page 5: "As they walk down the aisle, Tom notices some of the bazaar items..."  I assume you meant "bizarre", as in curious, odd, or peculiar.

- Page 5: When Tom gets home, passes the plumber's truck and scowls: this seemed like an important bit of information but it didn't lead anywhere. Was this supposed to be his neighbors truck? If so, that wasn't clear. (ETA - You answered this. I guess it wasn't clear)

- Page 7: When Tom is on the phone the second time with his agent(?) he says "so I can get some fucking work done! I interpreted that as him yelling through the wall at his neighbors. If that's what you were going for perhaps you should say so.

- Page 9: "He leaps back on the bed and tries to pull the finger off..." I think you meant "he tries to pull the ring off".

- I think the finger cutting/breaking bit was overkill, but that's a personal preference.

- the wife's hand falling out to reveal the missing finger is a bit hackneyed, frankly. I think he would be sufficiently surprised to see a body pulled out on a gurney. Without that, when he finds the finger later it would be a bigger reveal, IMO.

- I liked that Tom was pleased to see that he was responsible, it made the piece creepier.

I know those are nit-picky points, but I liked the story so I didn't have much else to say .

Good stuff.

Decided to pop this one open and give it a look since I remember you talking about it in the chat room.

You seem to be pretty heavy into the format thing, so I'll offer some suggestions as I come across them.

First off, I think you could afford to break up your descriptions a little more.  The opening one is 5 lines, when usually they should be 4 max.  I noticed it in a handful of other places as well, so you may want to watch for it.  Just try to look at each block of description as its own shot.

Tom's 6 shits in a row should have spaces between them.  And this may sound weird, but when randomly firing off the same word over and over, it's best to use an odd number.  It helps with the cadence of it.

I don't think someone who owns an antique shop would ask why someone is buying something old and presumably outdated.  He could comment on how hard it was to find one, but he finally did in the back, however.

Pg 6 definitely exceeds the page a minute theory.  Everything he goes through with his cigarettes seems like a little too much detail.

I enjoyed the story and thought it was an interesting take on the theme, so nice work there.

I'd just suggest looking back at some of the things I've mentioned above, mainly breaking up, and even cutting down on the descriptions some.

Nice work.

AB,

I'm going to jump on the bandwagon, here.  This is a good story.  Both Pete and Greg have brought up some good points that I missed.  I would only add to this (as mentioned in the chat) is why he didn't test the typewriter before buying it.  Good story.

Don

Quoted from Pete B. Lane A well-written piece. Nice, tight descriptions, as Greg stated, made it a quick, fun read. Of course, the idea of a writer's work coming to life (in some manner) is not new, but this was still well executed.

Thanks for reading, Greg. I'm glad you liked it.

Quoted from Pete B. Lane - You mention Tom's "meticulously organized" office, yet later describe other parts of his place as messy. This seems a bit inconsistent.

Tom lives in his office. He doesn't care about his living room or kitchen. I think he'd let those rooms go to waste.

Quoted from Pete B. Lane - Page 2: "A nice, cozy kitchen. The remnants of a nice meal is on the table..." Shouldn't that be "remnants of a nice meal are on the table" since you're referring to the remnants not the meal?

Okay. I wondered about that...

Quoted from Pete B. Lane - Page 5: "As they walk down the aisle, Tom notices some of the bazaar items..."  I assume you meant "bizarre", as in curious, odd, or peculiar.

I did mean bizarre. Thanks for catching that.

Quoted from Pete B. Lane - Page 5: When Tom gets home, passes the plumber's truck and scowls: this seemed like an important bit of information but it didn't lead anywhere. Was this supposed to be his neighbors truck? If so, that wasn't clear. (ETA - You answered this. I guess it wasn't clear)

I wasn't really sure how to show the neighbors without actually showing them. I think it's better if we don't actually see them. If that makes any sense...

Quoted from Pete B. Lane - Page 7: When Tom is on the phone the second time with his agent(?) he says "so I can get some fucking work done! I interpreted that as him yelling through the wall at his neighbors. If that's what you were going for perhaps you should say so.

Bob's actually the editor. That's what I was going for. It'll be fixed in the rewrite.

Quoted from Pete B. Lane - Page 9: "He leaps back on the bed and tries to pull the finger off..." I think you meant "he tries to pull the ring off".

Yep. Thanks for catching it.

Quoted from Pete B. Lane - I think the finger cutting/breaking bit was overkill, but that's a personal preference.

I'm not sure why he wants the ring. Maybe for a souvenir?

Quoted from Pete B. Lane - the wife's hand falling out to reveal the missing finger is a bit hackneyed, frankly. I think he would be sufficiently surprised to see a body pulled out on a gurney. Without that, when he finds the finger later it would be a bigger reveal, IMO.

That makes sense. Did it make you expect to see him pull out the finger in end? If so, then I'll cut it. Can the scene work without that? Cause the cops are important.

Quoted from Pete B. Lane - I liked that Tom was pleased to see that he was responsible, it made the piece creepier.

Good. 'Cause that's what I wanted.

Quoted from Pete B. Lane I know those are nit-picky points, but I liked the story so I didn't have much else to say . Good stuff.

I posted it to get honest feedback, and those nit-picky points. Thanks for reading.

Well I already told you this in chat but I might as well make it official.

I found this to be an enjoyable little read, tho the ending was easy to spot.  I will not mention the things that the others have said and that you have responded to as they have been covered already.

However, like I said in Chat you need to break up his dialog in the phone conversation so that it reads as if he is having one and not just saying a speech. As it is at the moment, it is too continuous.

Quoted from ABennettWriter Thanks for reading, Greg. I'm glad you liked it.

I'm Pete actually, but you're welcome.

Quoted Text I wasn't really sure how to show the neighbors without actually showing them. I think it's better if we don't actually see them. If that makes any sense...

Yeah, that makes sense.

Quoted Text I'm not sure why he wants the ring. Maybe for a souvenir?

I wasn't criticizing him taking the ring, just the gory way he did it. I don't have a problem with him taking the finger either (that's a good bit at the end), but all he went through to do it was overkill. But again, that's just me.

Quoted Text That makes sense. Did it make you expect to see him pull out the finger in end? If so, then I'll cut it. Can the scene work without that? Cause the cops are important.

You're right, the cops and the body being taken out of the apartment are important. When Tom saw the missing finger, I knew what was coming (at least I guessed correctly), so I think the scene will not only work, but work better without her hand being revealed.

Hey Abs;
Good job on this. Noticed some awkward grammar...Pg 2. Then runs under the awning..Should be He then, or Then he...Liked the descriptions of the antique store...Bizarre? Bazaar? Both could work in the context..What kind of typewriter was it? An IBM Selectric? An old Brother?
The antiques guy would have known all the details, especially if worked or not....Why was Tom so confident in its working? (Tom needs to invest an APC Battery Back-up)...Liked his pre-writing ritual, although it was a just a little overdone, as is the murder scene. The detectives would have identified themselves before opening the door. Tom might also be very paranoid, but being a psycho, he may not be....Great ending looking through the bloody manuscript...Hope he didn't drop his glove though. We all know how that goes. Great job!

This script hummed along nicely.  I liked the idea that we start with a meticulous office and it gets messier and messier, which I believe parellel his mind.  I like Tom having to constantly tell his editor he'll get his draft over and over.  Though the arguing copule could be brought in earlier, it is seeded that there might be a cock-eyed motive for Tom killing them later.

It seems weird that Tom would immediately toss his keyboard, considering how important it is, just because the power went out.  One can argue that this shows the anger inside the man that could drive him to violence later, the beer being another clue to later violence.

What struck me at the shop is that it seemed Tom knew what he was looking at immediately.  The feeling I got was a Tom thouhgt balloon of "Holy s-word!  It's the freaking holy grail in a pawn shop.  I must have it!"  It's never made clear what Tom saw in what he was getting.  If he's got a preference for a typewriter, maybe there should be a bunch of unused typewriters lying in the office.  

Hey ABS,

I find the writing here to be nice. Couple of thoughts on the story itself.

The beginning could be just a tad tighter, I think. Felt a little slow occasionally. Not badly so, but I still think it could be tightened some. This part sets up a pace that IMHO gets wrecked by the time the intruder shows up in the bedroom. In other words, it feels a little jolted to me. Like two separate stories almost. I'm not squeemish at all about violence mind you, I just think it was overkill here and somewhat ruined the ending. I liked the twist at the end with Tom's writing having turned real.

I think your logline gives away the twist. The twist is good, don't give it away.

I also liked Tom's little routine before he starts typing. I have a routine I have to go through too before I can start writing.

All in all it was a good script. If you make the first and second part match better in tone it'll be even better.

Pia

I know things are a little out of order, but bear with me...

I'm glad you liked it, Pia.

I struggled a bit with the two flow, and eventually came to the realization that it is two different stories. Tom's first writing a love story... one of your The Notebook or A Walk to Remember type stuff. Then there's the fighting neighbors, and, in his mind, he equates the two. He's tired of both. The only way to get rid of his frustrations are to kill them both. I didn't know how I could seamlessly combine killer+couple, so I made it obvious.

Quoted from Mike First off, I think you could afford to break up your descriptions a little more.  The opening one is 5 lines, when usually they should be 4 max.  I noticed it in a handful of other places as well, so you may want to watch for it.  Just try to look at each block of description as its own shot.

I don't really believe in rules. I believe in guidelines, and I use them when the situation warrants. I haven't rewritten the piece yet, but I think each word belongs in the script.

Quoted from Mike Tom's 6 shits in a row should have spaces between them.  And this may sound weird, but when randomly firing off the same word over and over, it's best to use an odd number.  It helps with the cadence of it.

Gotcha. I'll leave it at five.

Quoted from Mike Pg 6 definitely exceeds the page a minute theory.  Everything he goes through with his cigarettes seems like a little too much detail.

Maybe it's a little much, you can't say I break that "Show, don't tell" rule!

Quoted from Blakkwolfe What kind of typewriter was it? An IBM Selectric? An old Brother?

If I film this myself, which I may do, it'll be a manual Torpedo. It's the only one I own. But I don't see why the brand is important. A typewriter's a typewriter, no? I didn't even bother with him buying an electric typewriter.

Quoted from Blakkwolfe Why was Tom so confident in its working? (Tom needs to invest an APC Battery Back-up)

I believe there's a connection with the typewriter. They're destined for each other. He just knows it works. And why the battery? It is a manual typewriter, after all.

Quoted from Blakkwolfe The detectives would have identified themselves before opening the door.

Yeah, they should've. Just a little detail I forgot from L&O. (Notice how my detectives names are Green and Briscoe?)

Quoted from Blakkwolfe Hope he didn't drop his glove though. We all know how that goes. Great job!

Not only does he leave the glove, but he also leaves the knife. I'm glad you liked it, and thanks for reading.

Quoted from EBurke73 It seems weird that Tom would immediately toss his keyboard, considering how important it is, just because the power went out.  One can argue that this shows the anger inside the man that could drive him to violence later, the beer being another clue to later violence.

Interpret that as you will. But, instead of saying, "Tom mad!", I showed that he was angry by tossing the keyboard. Even if he broke it, they're easily replaced and less expensive than a whole new computer. As far as your last sentence, it was unintentional. Funny how a mind works, huh?

If you're interested, I'll be rewriting this and it'll be posted for your reading pleasure. I really appreciate the help, and all the pesky points. Thanks!

Quoted from Shelton I don't think someone who owns an antique shop would ask why someone is buying something old and presumably outdated.

He's not really asking why he needs a typewriter, he's asking why he needs a typewriter in the middle of a storm. He's kinda asking, "Why not wait until tomorrow?"

The rewrite should be posted soon.

It's difficult to review something and offer advice when everyone's already mentioned the things you've picked up on. In particular, I'll second Don's suggestion that Tom test the typewriter before buying in. Think about his situation. The last thing he wants to do is go home, find out it doesn't work, then run out in the rain again to find another one. Besides, considering the two are "the perfect match" so to speak, a testrun might make for a magic moment or at least a good foreshadow.

I was also a little confused about how the neighbors would fight in reality and were very affectionate in Tom's story. Tom's quite aware that the two are fighting. If he wasn't, you could get away with saying he was crazy. I don't know what I'd do about this. I just think it's something to think about. Maybe it doesn't even matter.

Anyway, this was a solid read. I had a feeling after reading Drowned that you were a more capable writer than you were letting on. I think this one proves it. You set an excellent mood here and the twist was fantastic. Once Tom pulled out the finger, he did the exact opposite of what I expected him to do. That doesn't happen a lot. Well done.

Thank you, James! I never thought about using the test to foreshadow anything. I'll think about that and see what comes out.

The characters in the novel aren't the same as the neighbors. I explained that above. He sees both couples as an annoyance.

I'm glad I exceeded expectations. By the way, what did you think was going to happen?

Quoted from ABennettWriter By the way, what did you think was going to happen?

I expected Tom to be freaked out by his "souvenir" and/or be shocked by the fact that he carried out his actions without being conscious. I didn't expect him to care that his neighbors were dead, just be scared for his own skin.

All right. My first thought was to have him wake up and see the finger on the manuscript, but I'm glad I changed it.

The revised draft is up!

Quoted from ABennettWriter The revised draft is up!

???

So what exactly did I just read?

The first draft. I fixed a lot of the small errors and changed a few things. You don't have to read it if you don't want to.

I fixed the slugline error on page 7. It's amazing what you catch once it's submitted.

A couple of things:

- I don't why I didn't think of this earlier, but when the power goes off you make no mention of how dark it may be in the room. I know it's set during the day, but if there's a severe thunderstorm outside it would probably be pretty dark in the room once the lights go out, assuming his shades/curtains are closed. Then you can have him stumbling around in the dark a bit.

- This has been mentioned, but perhaps there could be a few typewriters to choose from, and one "calls" out to him. This would reinforce the whole destiny angle.

- I like that you added at least one appearance of the neighbor.

- Perhaps, when Tom arrives back home, the power should still be off. This way it would force him into using the typewriter immediately, and also provide a more dramatic (flickering candles, etc...) and darker atmosphere, literally and figuratively.

Anyway, good changes were made. I look forward to reading more of your work.

I really really enjoyed this one.

I've never been interested in writing shorts for some reason. But after reading this, i feel like im going to spend the next hour writing one. Thanks for that.

Aha, I see you used the description we were all talking about in the chat room.  

Well sorry it took so long to get to this, but I read your short and it was something all right.  This was a very enjoyable read, you saw how frustrated Tom gets when the power knocks out, how he needed to really hurry up and beat his deadline, so that explains why he was in such a rush to get the typewriter home.

The relationship between Marie and Frank made it sort of more devastating when the killer offed them both, and the decapitating of the finger for the ring was a nice twist, and certainly brought up the question of what was a better souveneir for good ol' Tom, the ring, or the finger?  

Finally your twist in the end, unexpected and terrific.  I expected his neighbors to be dead, from what happened to Frank and Marie, but didn't expect Tom to have been responsible.  Great twist.

Your short was very well written, I for one was definitely interested in this short, angry when Netscape kept skipping pages when I scrolled down, but that's the internet for ya.  

I'm glad you enjoyed it, BigK. Would you be interested if I made the story into a feature? I've got some ideas that I think might work.

I'm a bit neutral myself.  I think it's a great short, and it could be a great feature too, but it leaves you questioning so much that it may just be good as a short.  But hell, if you made it a feature, I'd certainly read it.

ABSteel,

Just finished reading your short and wanted to relay a few random thoughts...
- Overall, I liked it, but, I was a little let down by the ending for two reason - 1) I kind of saw it coming, and 2) With a premise this creative, resorting to a gorey murder felt, to me, like it degraded the story.  I get the sense you're a smart writer - you have a cerebral premise that near its end trades an intellectual thrill for a visceral one...nothing is wrong with visceral, I just felt it kind of was an easy way out.
- Your twist at the end was also kind of easy to see - neighbor racket, struggling writer with shades of a sociopath, and the ring, kind of reminded me of Secret Window a bit...  I think, in the nature of good writing, your story follows the rules it sets out and it concludes well...but, and this would be up to you, maybe there's another way to structure the narrative to throw the audience out of whack.  I'm also wondering if it's your logline that made it easy to telegraph, "a lonely novelist awakens to discover his fiction has become reality."  You practically give away the ending.  
- Have you thought of turning this into more of a psychological thriller, where his writing and reality converge earlier in the story?  Your narrative is the most interesting in the last three pages.  Up until then, his conflict is - he needs to finish his story by his deadline or he's screwed...It's like your short story is really the opening to a feature....which, some others have echoed it has the potential to be.  Just a thought.
- Please don't take anything I say to hear too much, I'm not the end-all of screenwriting, these were just the thoughts I had....take them or leave them at your convenience....

I'm definitely going to turn this into a Jekyll and Hyde type script, so keep your eyes peeled. I don't know what the new title should be, though. I guess that comes later.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, ka3mapx, and I can't wait to read what you think about the other parts.

Thanks.

Hey AB,

I remember reading "Drowned" and i liked that one, so I gave this a try.

This was good - I liked it. Okay, I did see the twist at the end coming a mile away, but I was pleased with how you pulled it off - cos' it worked. A couple of things I didn't get: How did he know that the typewriter would work and why did he toss his computer on the floor, I mean his work (files) would still be on the harddrive?

I dig the way you write. You keep it short an lean when needed and expand when called for. In my book that's the only way to write. I guess one could argue that some of your descriptions here were a bit too detailed, but since this is a "Noir" piece I guess a little extra detail works. One thing you should look into though is that you tend to overuse "He then", I know it's a matter of taste but it just doesn't look good in my book.

I saw that Mike already mentioned max. number of lines in the description. You should have a look at that cos' some of your paragraphs are a bit bulky. Mike mentioned max. four lines per paragraph, even that, I think, is too much. Try to cut it down to 2 or 3 lines and try it on for size (imo it simply looks and reads better).

The format was spot on, there was just a small problem with the slugline on the bottom of page 7. No biggie.

Anyway, that's my two cents.

Look forward to reading more of yours. Keep up the good work

Cheers
Rob

Thanks for reading, Sniper. I caught the slug error after submitting. Gosh darnit! I hate that.

As far as "He then", I guess it's unnecessary. I'll go through and see what I can take out.

Hey.. I was wondering if I could use this script in a Machinima i am going to make.. it would not be for a profit interest but more of an can I do it using a real life script. I have done a few machinima's before but I would like to create somthing unique and I would love to try it using this script. I would of course give you full credit for the writing of this.. and on the off chance anything happens at a later date I would like to include you in the process.. Let me know thru my Email at Flixsl@gmail.com

Abs,
Thought this was well executed. I figured there was a surprise ending in the works, the finger was a good touch.
Only suggestion with the ending would be to add a little more detail. You paid a attention to all the small details throughout the rest of the script, setting a good atmosphere, but the ending was really quick. Maybe a slower buildup from the time he shuts the door to when he sits down?
The story picked up speed on pg 7 with the neighbors. the action was a slightly wordy, but the scenes came across really well, lots of tension. The "plop" of the knife was a great visual effect.

Hey AB

Just found time to read you script. Overall, it was good for me. I was thinking along the way about your descriptions... First, and it has been mentioned, they were a tad long. As well, the one word, well two that come to mind are. 1. Thorough. 2. Sterile.

You were quite thorough in describe the action and yet I felt it was a bit sterile. Meaning it was just DUCKA DUCKA to me. Maybe some emotion phrases.

I will keep reading your stuff, you have the chops.

Not bad.  Let me address something that was bothering me.

Why a typewriter?  He doesn't seem like he's looking for a magical writing mechanism but yet insists on a typewriter.  You don't even address the good ol pen and paper.  Maybe even a
OLD MAN
Raining pretty bad out there.  Couldn't ya just freehand it.

TOM
My hand cramps like you wouldn't believe.

This brings me to my second point.  Why does the old man have power? How far away is he.  I think it would add a lot if the store is dark, candle lit, Tom settles on the typewriter, the power comes back on, but for some reason, unknown to Tom himself, he feels compelled to get the typewriter.

I really wasn't paying attention to the fact of how many pages this forum had, but I read the draft that was posted in the first post, which was a really fun read especially for someone who is struggling to write his first screenplay.  Overall, it was a pretty fast read even for something that was 10 pages.  I do agree about the earlier sentiments that it threatens to drag occasionally, but it wasn't enough to lose your reader's or audience's attention.  

I enjoyed the read.  I thought it was well written and the main character was well drawn.  I did have a couple of issues with it though.

First, I thought there was something missing with his purchase of the typewriter.  I thought either he should a bit less trusting about it - try it first.  Or if he was going to just buy any old machine then the proprieter should discourage him.  There was no drama with the purchase to give it the ability to foreshadow.

The second issue is that the power is on when he returns home and he doesn't use his computer to finish his manuscript. I would be on the computer right away.  If he was just dying to use the typewriter then it would make sense but I didn't get the impression that he had any particular affinity with the machine.

Michael,

I agree with you on your first point. I'll see what I can do to add drama to the scene.

I think I've made it clear why he doesn't use the computer once he gets back to the apartment, but I'll see what I can.

Thanks for reading.

I didn't read anyone else's reviews, ABS, so forgive me if I repeat what other people have said.  I had a few problems with it:

I found some problems with your formatting.  You describe things in ways that can't be recorded by the camera.  For example, on page one:

Quoted Text A spare bedroom has been converted into a meticulously organized office.

How do we see that the office once was a bedroom?

There were other examples, but this should be pretty much cover it.  If thte camera can't record it, you don't write it.

I also thought that your dialogue was a little on-the-nose.  No one talks so straight-to-the-point in real life.  Be a little loose in how characters talk.  Dialog says a lot about a character.

You included a lot of unnecessary scenes in your script.  Tom's entire trip back from the antique shop was an unnecessary page of description.  And, with a ten page script, that's way too much fluff.

My biggest problem with this, however, is that it's too short.  You didn't get it enough time to show Tom's frustration with his computer or his problems with the neighbors.  By springing the ending on us, I had to ask WTF?  It's not a case that it was a surprise.  It was more of a case of 'where did this come from?'  You need to stretch this out and build some suspense for this story to work.

On the bright side, there is a good story here.  It just needs to be better developed.


Phil

Phil, thanks for reading.

We all know what bedrooms look like. There are a few windows. A closet. I know the rule about "Not showing things you can't show on screen," but you can show a desk in a spare bedroom.

I included the driving home scene to show how careful Tom is with the typewriter. Maybe I don't need it. It's something to think about.

I have to disagree with you on a few things. I think I showed his frustration pretty well. I'll think about it in the rewrite. I've been told that I shouldn't show things more than once.

Quoted from ABennettWriter We all know what bedrooms look like. There are a few windows. A closet. I know the rule about "Not showing things you can't show on screen," but you can show a desk in a spare bedroom.

You could better describe it as a home office, or just describe the room thte way it's used now.


Phil

I had a read of this. nice and well wirtten. I like how sweet romantic moment genre is hijacked by blood and guts slasher genre towards the end of script. Talk about the big swap-a-roo.

I liked the dark mood that this tale had. And the premise is pretty intriguing too. What this writer writes becomes reality; that?s pretty interesting. It?s a pity that the script ended right after this premise was introduced.

I wish your ending was your beginning. The script could be so much better if you focused of what would happen *after* the writer discovers his ability than before. Going to buy a typewriter isn?t as exciting as exploring the possible conflicts that a writer which such bizarre abilities could face.

Anyways, it was an interesting read and I think this has potential. I wish you good luck.

Thanks, Z.

There's more to the story that'll come in a later installment.

Bumped for callinsky.

Steel,
Posted this in the wrong spot the first time.

I really enjoyed this.  I loved the descriptions.   I love the overweight, beer drinkin’, chain smokin’ character.

I love how the story seamlessly goes from the now to the written story as the now.   The violence in the middle of bed scene was cool .    

I liked the description of the antique store.  It felt magical.  I liked that he didn’t test the typewriter.  Testing it would have taken away from the magic.  He knew it would work … magic.  

I even liked the one liner at the end.  I usually don’t like ‘em.  
Very well done.

~Cindy

Hey guys! The third draft's been posted.

This'll be the last draft.