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Coma by Stephen Brown (stebrown) - Short, Sci Fi - The struggle to hold on to someone we have lost is a strong emotion... sometimes too strong an emotion to let go. 5 pages MoviePoet August Competition 2nd place - pdf, format
This was a sad, but sweet, story, Stephen. I really liked it. At first I didn't know what was going on, but then I figured it was like The Matrix, except they didn't have the money to do it. There's really nothing for me to say except that this was very good and I can see why it made second place.
Sean
BOO-NANA BREAD From ghosts and zombies, to witches and swamp things, this banana bread will scare you silly, and leave you wanting more!
Very interesting read Ste. Congrats on the 2nd place finish with this.
I'm not really sure what to take from this or what I'm supposed to feel. Although there is sadness here, like all have said already, I don't really get the feeling that's what you were going for completely. I actually see some happiness, or hope here but maybe I'm reading too much into a 5 page script.
Yeah the end is supposed to be a bit of a mixed bag. They're both dead but they are together. The premise is that heaven/hell or whatever isn't a place we go to but is just whatever we think it is.
On a sidenote, not that I'm saying the whole coma thing is completely original, but sat down watching 'Fringe' the other day. First episode of a new series by the writers of Lost. What happens about half way through but the main character is given drugs n stuff to be able to talk to someone in a coma. haha, just made me laugh.
I was sitting here waiting for the Presidential debate so I thought I'll read something quick. This one did not come up for me at MP last month. If it had, I would have given it a Very Good!!
You have improved a lot. I like that. It's always a pleasure to see someone take feedback and use it to better themselves.
I have nothing to offer you in regard to this one, but that's pretty common.... the better something is, the harder it is to find faults. I thought this one offered more sci-fi than most others that month at MP so good on you for that. It was also a nice romantic tale. In a way not too different than Mr. Z's...
First off congratulations on the second place in MP. I didn't read any of the other entrants that month but on the basis of this I take it first place was something special. This is very strong work you got here.
I loved the inroductory prose & the first page in general. Your choice of adjectives fit perfectly with the serene, dream-like surroundings.
No real complaints about it, its an exceptional piece for a five pager. An interesting concept with the right pitch of of feeling & emotion to grab the viewer whilst not coming over as cheesy or over sentimental.
I liked the reflective exchange before Simon attaches the timer to the computer. It could easily have come off a tad mawkish but you handled it with adequate restraint & subtlety. I really felt for Simon more then some feature length protagonists I've encountered.
Like any decent five pager there is so much room for expansion & further development, this is no exception.
I think you could weave an interesting back story around this as to how Jo got to be in a coma. Then chronicling Simon's discovery of this kind of technology,a sort of personal mission he takes on which gradually consumes his life. when the plug is pulled (apologies for the pun) when he's so close to achieving his goal, he can't accept it & takes the ultimate action, as documented here.
A sorta' futuristic Lorenzo's oil with sunny beaches & fade to whites Not the most feel good story in the world but has the makings of a powerful drama (if handled correctly of course)
Your last few scripts you have been playing around with harded boiled Noir, but I feel it is when you write about human suffering and domestic misery is when you are at your peek performance.
Those kind of the stories from you i have enjoyed the most.
Mr Z took first place that month with his script. You should check it out, tis a goodun.
This is a script I am planning an extension too. Kinda just sketching out a treatment at the moment and trying to get some sub-plots to give it a bit more weight. Hopefully will get to the writing part sooner or later.