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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  Just One Cornetto Moderators: bert
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  Author    Just One Cornetto  (currently 795 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: March 22nd, 2009, 4:20pm Report to Moderator
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Just One Cornetto by Javier Torregrosa (jayrex) - Short, Comedy - Michael is having a little trouble whilst Mikey runs into trouble,  and then Michael gets into more trouble. 12 - pdf, format


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tonkatough
Posted: March 23rd, 2009, 2:40am Report to Moderator
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PHHHEEEEEWWWWW!

Oh My God are all the characters in this short played by Eddie Murphy in a fat suit?

I'm not sure if the real Mcornetto can drag your A** off to Judge Judy and sue you for plagerism on Mangia.

It took way to long for this short to get to the point and the s*** fight at the end was just. . well . . . a real s*** mess of an ending.

Sorry but the big M still holds the big brown s*** crown in the gross out humor department.


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Murphy
Posted: March 23rd, 2009, 3:25am Report to Moderator
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Haha, it is probably worth pointing out that a Cornetto is actually a brand of ice-cream cone in the UK. It is famous for it's commercials in the 80's that sang "Just one Cornetto". Not sure whether it is available in the US or not.

The irony is of course not lost on me that this does seem to be a "Cornetto Special", I assume it is intentional and Jayrex is really paying homage to our own Mr Cornetto.

I was certainly a gross out script, the writing however was not too shabby and overall not a bad effort really.

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Angry Bear
Posted: March 23rd, 2009, 3:54am Report to Moderator
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Thanks GM for explaining the Cornetto thing.

I've read a lot of good scripts by Javier. This one though, has a phew problems IMHO. It's not the subject matter, but rather the story. I didn't really understand what made them all get sick to their stomachs. Was it the ice cream? If so I think that needs to be clarified. Had it gone bad? Did someone tamper with it? I felt confused about that.

There needed to be one central character I thought.

Why would they not want to open the door and pretend they weren't home when the grand parents came? With a roast in the oven I assume they were expecting them, even if they came early.

What was the deal with the sewer guys? That didn't really lead to anything.

I was somewhat distracted by all the THUMP, PHEW, AHHH   What was that all about?

If this short was intended to be just a joke rather than a story, then you need to have some sort of punchline  in the end. Right now, it just sort of gets messy. I was expecting something that would tie it all together and provide a laugh at the end.



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mcornetto
Posted: March 23rd, 2009, 4:01am Report to Moderator
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Happy to be able to inspire you, Javier.

Now I can tear the script apart! Bwahahahahah!

Just kidding.  I thought you did a pretty good job with it.  

Things ran a bit on the slow side for much of it but you made up for it with Grandma and her log.  

I did think you needed to make what he did with the ice cream a bit more obvious - I had to read the beginning a second time to catch it.  And also I didn't quite get how Kara didn't catch on that she was serving that ice cream because she knew about it.

Cheers,

Michael
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jayrex
Posted: March 23rd, 2009, 6:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hello everyone and thanks for the read!

I'll respond to everyone but first I'll explain a wee bit of how this idea came about.

SPOILERS - In a way.

This idea is partly based on a true story from University, partly on Michael's brand of humour and coincidence should have it, Just One Cornetto tied everything together and yes it's a brand of ice cream from Walls sold in the UK.

At uni people kept on stealing my food throughout the year that I had left in the fridge/freezer.  There's only so much I can keep in my room of the halls of residence.  

One day I snapped and was very pissed off with this behaviour of stealing my food.  So after six months or so I opened my freezer to find my ben & jerrys gone.  

I hatched a plan to buy laxatives and put in place a testing method to try and dissolve the tablets crushed up.  I came to realise that melting my ice cream and mixing the crushed tablets before refreezing the ice cream to be the best method.

I bought a packet of 24 tablets, testing two tablets cut in half, for four tests.  That left 22 tablets.  I threw them all in the ice cream tub and even though the warning said no more than two tablets in a day.  I just didn't care.  And besides, it was my ice cream for consumption.  

Anyway, it wasn't long before that tub went missing and even quicker to find the culprit.  He crapped himself for three and a half days.  And from what I hear, presentations went extremely quick.

The guy found out that it was my ice cream and apologise and as a way of saying sorry, he bought me a packet of Cornettos.

And so onto my story.  

I enjoyed Michael's brand of humour and tried to have a stab at it.  My character Michael (I really should have tried to use a more original name) tries a laxative tablet in Just One Cornetto.  The wife asks him to try more, to see if he'll get a better result.  He decides on the tub idea.  But as it turns out, one tablet was all he needed.


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jayrex
Posted: March 23rd, 2009, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Glenn,

Thanks for the read.


Quoted from tonkatough

It took way to long for this short to get to the point and the s*** fight at the end was just. . well . . . a real s*** mess of an ending.

Sorry but the big M still holds the big brown s*** crown in the gross out humor department.


I was hoping that the ending would erase the slow pace at the beginning.  Sorry it didn't pay off for you.

Cheers,


Javier


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jayrex
Posted: March 23rd, 2009, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read GM.


Quoted from Murphy

The irony is of course not lost on me that this does seem to be a "Cornetto Special", I assume it is intentional and Jayrex is really paying homage to our own Mr Cornetto.

I was certainly a gross out script, the writing however was not too shabby and overall not a bad effort really.


Happy that it wasn't a bad effort after all.  And thanks for pointing out the Just One Cornetto song (a song I chanted at football games, only to twist the lyrics).  This is a homage to the gross out writing that Michael so perfectly treats us every once and a while.

Cheers,


Javier


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jayrex
Posted: March 23rd, 2009, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Pia for giving this script of mine a read.


Quoted from Angry Bear
I've read a lot of good scripts by Javier. This one though, has a phew problems IMHO. It's not the subject matter, but rather the story. I didn't really understand what made them all get sick to their stomachs. Was it the ice cream? If so I think that needs to be clarified. Had it gone bad? Did someone tamper with it? I felt confused about that.


I hope that I've explained this well enough in my introduction about this script.  Laxatives is what made people's insides loosen up.


Quoted from Angry Bear
Why would they not want to open the door and pretend they weren't home when the grand parents came? With a roast in the oven I assume they were expecting them, even if they came early.


It's not they but rather the 'Michael' character.


Quoted from Angry Bear
What was the deal with the sewer guys? That didn't really lead to anything.


I wrote another script and left these guys out.  This if you can imagine is the intestines and they're inside Michael.  This kinda reminds me of Woody Allen.


Quoted from Angry Bear
I was somewhat distracted by all the THUMP, PHEW, AHHH   What was that all about?


The phew words is from a script of Michael's as I didn't have a clue how to indicate someone farting.

My mate once commented whilst waiting to use the toilet that I sounded like a pregnant woman trying to have a baby.  Sometimes the thumping is necessary to get the right reaction.


Quoted from Angry Bear
If this short was intended to be just a joke rather than a story, then you need to have some sort of punchline  in the end. Right now, it just sort of gets messy. I was expecting something that would tie it all together and provide a laugh at the end.


I was worried about the ending and feel that this may not be as a whole a good script for you.  Then again, the majority may feel this is rubbish.  I'll wait and see.

Thanks for the read.

Regards,


Javier


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jayrex
Posted: March 23rd, 2009, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Micahel.  And you've guested that your scripts have inspired me.


Quoted from mcornetto
Happy to be able to inspire you, Javier.

Now I can tear the script apart! Bwahahahahah!

Just kidding.  I thought you did a pretty good job with it.  

Things ran a bit on the slow side for much of it but you made up for it with Grandma and her log.


With a slow beginning, I do need some redeeming features.  Happy that the log made up for it.  I liked the tiny pods that accompanied it too.


Quoted from mcornetto
I did think you needed to make what he did with the ice cream a bit more obvious - I had to read the beginning a second time to catch it.  And also I didn't quite get how Kara didn't catch on that she was serving that ice cream because she knew about it.


I wanted Kara to have her backed turned, and so I had her cleaning the dishes.  Unsure as to what Mikey is up to.  If she was fully aware of the situation, ice cream would be off the menu.

I wanted the beginning to be ambiguous and didn't want to spoil it all.  I tried to write this one slightly differently from my previous scripts.

Cheers for the read,


Javier


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Angry Bear
Posted: March 23rd, 2009, 7:12pm Report to Moderator
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Javier,

I reread the beginning and I see what you mean now. I still think you might want to clarify it a little bit more though or maybe I shouldn't try to read scripts at 3:30 in the morning..  

It explained a lot after GM explained about the ice cream, but since there might be more people than me that either don't know what a cornetto is or read way too early in the morning you could just describe it as Cornetto brand ice cream.

Pia  


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jayrex
Posted: March 24th, 2009, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm, food for thought Pia.

I'll have to give the Cornetto brand some more description to guide the rest of the world.

I'll get around to this hopefully soon.

I'm so tired now.


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Posted: March 25th, 2009, 7:33am Report to Moderator
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Not a fan of this style of comedy myself so i wont comment on the actual story as such, bu i like to post comments on scripts i read. Its well constructed and certainly creates the right imagery, worth a read if you can ahem stomach some graphic toilet (im so sorry) humour!
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stebrown
Posted: March 25th, 2009, 12:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jay

I really like this one. Toilet humour obviously but you can't go wrong with it every now and then. What I liked about it most was the fact you kept the storyline subtle at the start. The dialogue was spot on I think and it made the situation believable.

What is letting you down I think, is your proofreading. Too many typos and spelling mistakes that makes a very good script look unprofessional. Whatever you plan to do with a script I think you owe it to yourself and whoever reads the script to clean up the script as much as possible.

I liked everything about the script apart from the typos though, so I had to have a whinge on about something haha.

Good stuff, fella.


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colkurtz8
Posted: March 26th, 2009, 4:18am Report to Moderator
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Javier

Love the title, reminded me instantly of the add from TV years ago, which I had totally forgotten about.

I can see why people might have been a bit mislead with it considering one of the more prolific contributors here shares the same name. Was this a publicity stunt I wonder.

As always your writing style is short, concise & minimal, a readers dream.

I enjoyed IT for the most part, I particulary like the pacing. The impending doom of the in laws coming for the dinner, given added dread due to Michael's "problem."

The cut to inside Michael's bowels was a nice visual touch and it got us out of Kara & Michael's house for a bit.

Toilet humour works to some degree for me but more often then not its taken too far & loses its shock value. I'm afraid I found this guilty of descending into that pit-fall too.

The ending could work on screen but I found between Betty & Roy shi?ting all over the floor it was OTT, like you were trying too hard to shock us with the worst possible, most dehumanizing scenario imaginable. In my humble opinion it ultimately fell flat.

Expect kind letter from Cornetto thanking you for the exposure, maybe some free ice-creams...Oh, and a lawsuit from B & J   

Overall not bad. The ending I feel needs some reworking. Although I can't really suggest anything, sorry.

Col.



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colkurtz8  -  March 26th, 2009, 2:39pm
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