Thanks James.

No, the open mic night is fabrication based on those spoken word/poetry cafes. As for the dialog being overly "movie-ish" (like the word!) in places. You're right, I do know where they are. Dennis and Mark are based on my best friend and me, magnified of course.

Glad you liked it.

Gary

Hi Gary,

I've just read this, as promised. I must say that I really enjoyed it- I loved all the references to 'Deader' and it's reviews (I actually stopped reading this and read 'Deader', then came back! Clever man!).

I thought the descriptions were spot on, I could really picture the scenes, and I loved the description of the characters wide smile- excellent!

It really is a pity that they don't hold open mic nights for SW's- I can just picture the drunken 'script-offs'!

All in all, this really works, and is a fantastic companion to deader (which I also enjoyed somewhat).

Craig

Gary

It's been a while since I read the draft you sent on to me, so forgive me if my recollection of it is a bit hazy.

From what I do remember from the last draft, you have definitely forged a more fully rounded piece here. The dialogue and prose is sharper with a clearer structure to the script as a whole. The 14 pages breezed by, a very fluent, readable script. I particularly enjoyed the banter between Mark and Dennis, containing just the right amount of comedy, dotted with humorous one liners and smart assed quips from Mark counteracted by more serious introspection from Dennis expressed through the repeated mantra of "I can do this" (between this and "Deader" is seems you have a thing for sayings and catchphrases.)

Like the last draft I liked how you reworked in a previous script of yours into the story and weren't afraid to be self deprecating about it (a trait I always admire in a person)

As I said to you before I like the story here, the whole idea of a script open mic night akin to a poetry reading, it’s an interesting concept that you enriched by the array of diverse and funny characters who inhabited it.

But overall what I like most about this is what’s it’s trying to say. I don't know if I said it to you before and I apologize if I'm repeating myself but this story and its themes has in essence, a good heart. I reckon a lot of us (even if we don't like to admit it) can relate to the blatantly, stripped down honesty of Dennis's character. His worries, lack of self esteem, insecurities, fears over failure and shortcomings, that burning desire to be an "artist" which is kept in check by his distinct lack of belief in himself and his abilities. It's this truly human, fragile personality within his character that endears me to this the most. And with this draft I think you fully realised him within a better crafted and developed story. Now, all I need to do is learn and implement those seven rules for myself.

Col.  

Col.

Thanks for the read. You nailed the theme as Dennis's desire to be an artist despite his own insecurities. He already had one failure as an artist, and even though he had success as an accountant, he still was insecure about screenwriting. Kudos for catching that.

Gary

This is what I call one of those slice of life scripts.

Was this inspired by a real event? going to a club and listen to someone read out their own script on stage? Couldn't think of anything more boring.

You did a good job of capturing an important event happening to one person. Loved the doubt and fear that inflicts Dennis leading up to his big read to the audience.

The pace and flow was easy to read and the chatter between the characters was very natural.  

While you do have nice characters, each with individual personalities, over all I felt the story or maybe the plot was a bit flat. It just cruised along with out nothing highly dramatic happening. Cliff rips into Dennis script then they all go back to the bar and are all chummy. Hardly a gripping tale and having Dennis getting emotional and maybe even retaliate or something would have given this script a much needed punch.    

Hey tonkatough,

So, you're not going to the next open mic night? Yeah, it's a slice of life thing but it wasn't inspired by a real event. All in my head.

Not much in the way of action. I liked it the way it is. But if five people are telling me you need more action, I need more action.

This piece was a big step up for me. I was going for improvement in my dialog, characters, and visuals. Conflict is next.

Thanks for the read.

Gary

Hi Gary

As you were kind enough to read and comment on my work, I thought I would respond with a read of yours.

I can't say that it did a great deal for me. It was pleasant enough and it didn't have any real flaws - but I didn't really feel it went anywhere much, especially as it was, at 15 pages, quite a bit longer than some of the shorts here.

I felt it wasn't dramatic enough really - nothing much happens, Dennis reads his script, there's comments he doesn't like. And that seemed to be that.

There was some good dialogue, and the characters largely seemed realistic - I just felt that it needed a bit more oomph! Perhaps you need to make it more like a writing "8 Mile"!

A couple of things: not sure that you need to put the location in the scene header as you repeat in the first line of the description that follows. Also, as I understand it, you don't need to repeat the INT designation at different parts of the club - just STAGE, OFFSTAGE, BAR would be OK.

Did love the "Read Scripts and Prosper" with a Vulcan salute joke, I must say! Will remember this!

By the way - are there such events as this in the States?

Niles,

Thanks for the return read.

Glad you liked the Vulcan line. It's one of those lines that the character wanted to say.

As for the slug lines. Thanks for the suggestion. I tried iit both ways. Once with slug lines as is and another with the shortened verision and liked it the traditional way. NOTE: I did use the shorter slug lines in my OWC short and got everybody confused. I like them, I just need to be careful with them.

As for no punch. Yeah. That's a common suggestion so far. If I redo this, I'll definitely have to kick it up. Cliff will be a very nasty fellow in the redo. But as a slice of life piece, I kind of like it.

THe second most common question is: Are these open mic nights real? No, they are not. Just my imagination running away with me.

Thanks again.

Gary

Hey Gary,

This script was pretty good. Your formatting was flawless.

I’ve officially put you on the list of people who know what ‘Grok’ means. Nice!

The characters feel as though they are pulled straight out of a typical writers group. I liked Cliff’s character. Maybe because I relate to him. Also, the always appreciative Dexter. Cliff, the perpetual cynic. Dweeb, the self-effacing artist.

Anyway, it was a decent read. Normally I’m against writing about writing because, let’s face it, us writers are boring – like really boring, at least I know I am. There’s only a couple exceptions to the rule, one of ‘em was “Adaptation” by Charlie Kaufman, and another one was Permanent Midnight. Both of which had strong character arcs.

Couple Tips:
A professional screenwriter sometimes hires actors or acting groups to read his/her script so that they can hear whether or not their dialogue flows. The ‘open mic’ could be an award for a contest (think OWC), and the actors could get into an argument over the script or the script could create a kind of psychosis in them,  just by reading it.  The ‘critics’ could be actual critics.

One thing which would greatly improve this piece would be to ‘up the stakes’ as they say. Ex: make it a contest, make the critics judges, and, if Dweeb loses, it could mean his life or something of the sort.

Keep up the good writing! Just give us more plot next time.

-Daniel

Hey Gary, just gave this one a quick read... funny stuff, man.

It's by a screenwriter, about screenwriters, for screenwriters. Which is one of my only problem with it. I think the everyday person could relate to it more if it was about novels or books, instead of scripts.

I liked how it ended, and how you set it up all the way through, and I liked the stereotypes of the people critiquing.

I agree with Niles here... there should be more happening.... another aspect in there, somehow.

Anyway, very funny stuff as usual, good read.

Thanks Tommy!

I appreciate the comments from a fellow killer and thief (on SS only). The piece lacks adrenaline, I freely admit to that. And the suggestion to make it about writing books would definitelty make it for a wider acceptance. I had worried about the tagline being enough for the ending. Glad it worked for you. This was a character piece for me to help with dialogue.

Gary

BTW, it's great to sign on and see your short script on the portal again!

Gary,

Thought I would read this and give it the bump it deserves...

First let me say you are an excellent writer. Between this and "The Prince of Coal" I can see a lot of talent evident.

This piece was very well-written, and I for one enjoy a slice of life - I call it real people having real conversations.  We live in a world with 30 second sound bytes and where everything has to be sensationalized and get a "twist" ending. So I enjoyed the non-conformist approach. I could picture myself there, as either Dweeb or Mark, and that's the product of good writing.

I won't comment too much on the details because as we know you've already "arrived" with this; the only thing I found confusing though was that it appeared to be the duo's first time in this bar, yet they knew the bartender's name was Joe? (I could be mistaken about it being their first time there.)

Great job and best of luck with it - AJR

AJR --

Thanks for the read! And the compliment.

Yeah, it was the guys first time at the bar. But they didn't need to know the bartender's name because:

1) A good bartender never corrects a paying customer. Try it sometime.

2) Joe was on his name tag (a detail I didn't include in the script). I probably missed an opportunity for some name mix-up comedy.

Good catch!

That reminds me, time to get back to the Jets/Colts game.

Gary

Hey Gary.

Lol.  I wish I would've read 'Deader' first.  I can't wait to get over to that thread to see if any of Cliff's comments were taken directly from your feedback or not.

Pretty interesting idea, this one, actually.  While I was reading it, it felt kind of like something we'd do here at SS if we all lived in the same town.

I see that some of the main stuff you were focusing on here is dialogue and visuals.

The dialogue was good, if not just a little over the top, (mainly on Mark's part.)  I got a feeling for the atmosphere, that it was kind of a dive (Mark mentioning how sticky the bar was a great visual eventhough it was dialogue), but the mention of Miami Vice gave it a classy vibe for some reason in my head that didn't resonate with the dive bar I thought you were going after.

In the beginning, I got the impression that they had never been at the club before the way they were talking about it, but when they walk over to the bar, I saw they knew Joe's name right off the bat without him introducing himself to them.  Seemed awkward, especially when Joe didn't know their names.

Other than that, like I said, this was a pretty interesting and creative idea to come up with, and a good natured way to poke fun at yourself.  I think this story gets a lot of its charm because of that.

I'm headin' over to Deader now to find out if Cliff is actually based on somebody or not.  :-)

- Mark

I pictured myself on stage, Dreamscale and E.D. booing and throwing fruit, Phil sitting at the bar shaking his head, Bert clapping politely and checking his watch. And then I remembered unlike Dennis, I would have been drunk, so wouldn't have cared.

This was definitely a script targeting a specific audience! I congratulate you for that, having a little fun at the craft of screen writing.