I Can Do This by Gary D. Rademan - Short, Drama -  Dennis is a frustrated novice screenwriter. Join Dennis and Mark, his cynical best friend, as he searches for answers at a local open mic night (15  pgs) - pdf, format

Gary, this one seems to have dropped to the bottom of the pile amidst the influx.

Anyway, overall I came away feeling: really nice read. Great setting, descriptions all on the money – I could picture the place, the characters, terrific observations especially referencing your own script ‘Deader’ but something’s missing for me. How ironic is that?

Don’t get me wrong, a lot of the content resonated with me and it’s funny – just not laugh out-loud funny – it’s subtle humour but considering the setting is similar to a ‘roast’ my advice would be that you need to ramp it up. When the audience are ‘chanting’ making noises I suggest you describe in more detail what the hecklers are yelling. Maybe some could throw things on stage – get my meaning? And the alliteration was a little mild imo.

Loved the ‘Ishtar’ line.

I just think you’re three-quarters of the way there with this, but ... ‘I know you can do it’.

Very good, this one is. Good, tight, writing. Solid characters with each having their own unique dialogue, spoken in this well painted set.

LC,

Thanks for the read. Always good to get feedback. Oh and thanks for rescuing this from the bottom of the influx pile.

I know what you mean about kicking it up a notch. A rowdy crowed with hecklers? Hmmm. Another version someday?

As for the alliteration, I agree. Mild but it seemed to fit at the time.

Glad you liked the Ishtar line - it came to me (believe it or not) after playing Scrabble.

Gary

Gary,

I remember Deader fondly so I'm back for more.

High praises from Clorox & LC sealed the deal.

Great way to describe a beer gut. Succinct and visual. I'm gonna nick that one sometime.

Is that how you spell 'mars' in that sense? Doesn't look right. Mind you, I've been wrong before.

EDIT: I just looked it up in a proper dictionary as goolge and co let me down. I was... wrong. Bullocks. Big hairy ones.

I wasn't aware those type of nights existed.

Good description of the place with the bar top. I know exactly where I am now.

Quoted from ICDT Clean glass please.

I've been here before. Laughed aloud at that one.

L&H? Good line.

Strange. I'd usually be suggesting to break up this dialogue with some action lines but there's no need here. It stands well as it is. It's both interesting and engaging.

Quoted from ICDT ...flashes a smile so wide it threatens to cut his thin face in half

Disturbingly good line. You are getting fairly adept at this lark aren't you Grady?

Quoted from ICDT What are they saying? Sounds like “shitter” to me.

  

There's a few little things I'd write differently. But's it probably more a style thing and far from important.

To summarise this is great just as it is. It's a writer's script about writing for writers. They aren't usually my thing at all.
You'll know doubt get stacks of very deserved praise.
I'm unsure non-writers would find it as interesting as the folks here will. Either way, a pleasure to read as ever. I'll be watching. Keep it up.

EDIT: I read LCs comments and she makes a good point. But as ever, it's up to you.

Cloroxmartini -

Thanks for the read! Your feedback nailed my target on this one. I was definitely trying to step up my visuals/dialogue on this one.

Thanks again.

Gary

Rendezvous,

Thanks man! Most of the phrases you noted were added toward the end of the one month writing process while I was letting the script marinade in my mind. I was concerned that the dialogue would be a little too 'talking heads' but it appears to be accepted as is.

As for LC's comment, I could step it up. That was suggested by a draft reviewer. That's why Mark almost got in a fight. Next time, I'll need to add a little more excitement... and  a little more detail on the heckling, etc.

The open mic night for screenwriters is something I made up for this story. I got the idea from those poetry/beatnik places where they snap their fingers for applause.

R, thanks for the detailed comments.

Gary

Gary

To save me going over the same ground, Is this the draft I read from you before?

Col.

Col.

No, But it'll be famliar. It's the version after the one you reviewed.

The bartender isn't so friendly, Mark almost gets in a fight with Cliff, Mark desires Beth. Some tightening of action/dialogue.

Thanks for helping with the drafts!

Gary

Gary

Cool, I'll take a look when I get the chance. I have a list of stuff I want to read, including a couple of features, I'll add this to it.

Nice one on knocking out a draft that you were happy enough with to post up here, progress is what its all about.

Later

Hi Gary, how you been? I sort of stumbled on this and realised it was your newie.

I liked it. You set out to make an ironic statement on the perils of screenwriting and it came out well. I don't think it needed to be funnier or everything; that wasn't the idea.

Your formatting is on the mark and it had a good flow to it. Obviously its very different from Deader but that was a tough one to nail, IMHO. These are 2 good bookends for your 'resume'.

Well done, buddy.

Gary,

This was a nice, tight little short. You have a lovely pace to your writing, and it was 'page-turning', for me. Is it part of something larger? These characters just feel 'put together', and not something that was thrown together briefly.

Loved your own self-deprecating nods towards 'Deader'. There was a subtle, and engaging humour throughout the script.

As a standalone script, it did feel a little like you just ended it abruptly, and that's my only criticism really. Dennis gets his script read, but he doesn't really go anywhere from there in terms of resonance. I mean, I harp on about that stuff - only because it's what's important to me when I read or watch. I guess I just find it hard to get my head out of my arse at times!!

LC's comments re: upping the ante for the 'roast' is sound advice, I think. Cliff was pretty obnoxious, but if he became even more so, then it would ratchet up the laughter. Having said that, it's still a lovely little script as it stands.

The dialogue was amusing, and I love Beth's little dropped in comment about how quiet the place was.

Enjoyable script, mate.

Andrew

Thanks Stevie.

Yes, it is very different from Deader though it was inspired by the reaction to Deader and the Seven Deadly Sins series. Glad you liked it.

Gary

Andrew,

Thanks for the read and comments. Glad you liked it.

The story started out as a 5 page short and I expanded it to 15 pages by adding all the characters except for Mark and Dennis oh and Joe the bartender. I don't think I'll be doing a longer version of this as I feel I've said what I wanted to say in this story.

The up-the-stakes comment seems to be a common theme. It's like if five guys tell you you're sick, you'd better lie down. When writing this, I was thinking of adding a gang of neo-Nazi screenwriters and a bunch of Script Girl wannabes but thought that'd be a bit over the top for this piece. But Cliff being more obnoxious, that I could see.

As for the resonance/resolution/epilogue, I hadn't thought of that to be truthful. Acutally, wouldn't the insight that Dennis gets at the end qualify as a changed picture of what his life would be like? Regardless, I do agree it ended abruptly mostly because I wanted it to end on the "I can do this" line.

Also, glad you liked the "deader" comments. I was concerned they might come off as self-indulgent.

Thanks for the insights. Always appreciated.

Gary

This was a very enjoyable read. It's always a good sign when you're able to poke fun at yourself. The first question that came to mind is do they really have open screenwriters night at clubs? Like anywhere? You seem to have the minutia of it all figured out. I'm just curious. I liked the relationship between Dennis and Mark. Two best friends who don't really like each other. I know there's real friendships out there that are just like this. Some of the dialogue was giving out a little too much information. References to the past and such. Some of it works. Other parts just come off as overly movie-ish. Look it over. I think you'll be able to figure out which parts. Overall, it's a pretty good read. You've got a lot going on in a very short amount of time and I think most folks here can relate to it in one way or another. Good job!

Thanks James.

No, the open mic night is fabrication based on those spoken word/poetry cafes. As for the dialog being overly "movie-ish" (like the word!) in places. You're right, I do know where they are. Dennis and Mark are based on my best friend and me, magnified of course.

Glad you liked it.

Gary

Hi Gary,

I've just read this, as promised. I must say that I really enjoyed it- I loved all the references to 'Deader' and it's reviews (I actually stopped reading this and read 'Deader', then came back! Clever man!).

I thought the descriptions were spot on, I could really picture the scenes, and I loved the description of the characters wide smile- excellent!

It really is a pity that they don't hold open mic nights for SW's- I can just picture the drunken 'script-offs'!

All in all, this really works, and is a fantastic companion to deader (which I also enjoyed somewhat).

Craig

Gary

It's been a while since I read the draft you sent on to me, so forgive me if my recollection of it is a bit hazy.

From what I do remember from the last draft, you have definitely forged a more fully rounded piece here. The dialogue and prose is sharper with a clearer structure to the script as a whole. The 14 pages breezed by, a very fluent, readable script. I particularly enjoyed the banter between Mark and Dennis, containing just the right amount of comedy, dotted with humorous one liners and smart assed quips from Mark counteracted by more serious introspection from Dennis expressed through the repeated mantra of "I can do this" (between this and "Deader" is seems you have a thing for sayings and catchphrases.)

Like the last draft I liked how you reworked in a previous script of yours into the story and weren't afraid to be self deprecating about it (a trait I always admire in a person)

As I said to you before I like the story here, the whole idea of a script open mic night akin to a poetry reading, it’s an interesting concept that you enriched by the array of diverse and funny characters who inhabited it.

But overall what I like most about this is what’s it’s trying to say. I don't know if I said it to you before and I apologize if I'm repeating myself but this story and its themes has in essence, a good heart. I reckon a lot of us (even if we don't like to admit it) can relate to the blatantly, stripped down honesty of Dennis's character. His worries, lack of self esteem, insecurities, fears over failure and shortcomings, that burning desire to be an "artist" which is kept in check by his distinct lack of belief in himself and his abilities. It's this truly human, fragile personality within his character that endears me to this the most. And with this draft I think you fully realised him within a better crafted and developed story. Now, all I need to do is learn and implement those seven rules for myself.

Col.  

Col.

Thanks for the read. You nailed the theme as Dennis's desire to be an artist despite his own insecurities. He already had one failure as an artist, and even though he had success as an accountant, he still was insecure about screenwriting. Kudos for catching that.

Gary

This is what I call one of those slice of life scripts.

Was this inspired by a real event? going to a club and listen to someone read out their own script on stage? Couldn't think of anything more boring.

You did a good job of capturing an important event happening to one person. Loved the doubt and fear that inflicts Dennis leading up to his big read to the audience.

The pace and flow was easy to read and the chatter between the characters was very natural.  

While you do have nice characters, each with individual personalities, over all I felt the story or maybe the plot was a bit flat. It just cruised along with out nothing highly dramatic happening. Cliff rips into Dennis script then they all go back to the bar and are all chummy. Hardly a gripping tale and having Dennis getting emotional and maybe even retaliate or something would have given this script a much needed punch.    

Hey tonkatough,

So, you're not going to the next open mic night? Yeah, it's a slice of life thing but it wasn't inspired by a real event. All in my head.

Not much in the way of action. I liked it the way it is. But if five people are telling me you need more action, I need more action.

This piece was a big step up for me. I was going for improvement in my dialog, characters, and visuals. Conflict is next.

Thanks for the read.

Gary

Hi Gary

As you were kind enough to read and comment on my work, I thought I would respond with a read of yours.

I can't say that it did a great deal for me. It was pleasant enough and it didn't have any real flaws - but I didn't really feel it went anywhere much, especially as it was, at 15 pages, quite a bit longer than some of the shorts here.

I felt it wasn't dramatic enough really - nothing much happens, Dennis reads his script, there's comments he doesn't like. And that seemed to be that.

There was some good dialogue, and the characters largely seemed realistic - I just felt that it needed a bit more oomph! Perhaps you need to make it more like a writing "8 Mile"!

A couple of things: not sure that you need to put the location in the scene header as you repeat in the first line of the description that follows. Also, as I understand it, you don't need to repeat the INT designation at different parts of the club - just STAGE, OFFSTAGE, BAR would be OK.

Did love the "Read Scripts and Prosper" with a Vulcan salute joke, I must say! Will remember this!

By the way - are there such events as this in the States?

Niles,

Thanks for the return read.

Glad you liked the Vulcan line. It's one of those lines that the character wanted to say.

As for the slug lines. Thanks for the suggestion. I tried iit both ways. Once with slug lines as is and another with the shortened verision and liked it the traditional way. NOTE: I did use the shorter slug lines in my OWC short and got everybody confused. I like them, I just need to be careful with them.

As for no punch. Yeah. That's a common suggestion so far. If I redo this, I'll definitely have to kick it up. Cliff will be a very nasty fellow in the redo. But as a slice of life piece, I kind of like it.

THe second most common question is: Are these open mic nights real? No, they are not. Just my imagination running away with me.

Thanks again.

Gary

Hey Gary,

This script was pretty good. Your formatting was flawless.

I’ve officially put you on the list of people who know what ‘Grok’ means. Nice!

The characters feel as though they are pulled straight out of a typical writers group. I liked Cliff’s character. Maybe because I relate to him. Also, the always appreciative Dexter. Cliff, the perpetual cynic. Dweeb, the self-effacing artist.

Anyway, it was a decent read. Normally I’m against writing about writing because, let’s face it, us writers are boring – like really boring, at least I know I am. There’s only a couple exceptions to the rule, one of ‘em was “Adaptation” by Charlie Kaufman, and another one was Permanent Midnight. Both of which had strong character arcs.

Couple Tips:
A professional screenwriter sometimes hires actors or acting groups to read his/her script so that they can hear whether or not their dialogue flows. The ‘open mic’ could be an award for a contest (think OWC), and the actors could get into an argument over the script or the script could create a kind of psychosis in them,  just by reading it.  The ‘critics’ could be actual critics.

One thing which would greatly improve this piece would be to ‘up the stakes’ as they say. Ex: make it a contest, make the critics judges, and, if Dweeb loses, it could mean his life or something of the sort.

Keep up the good writing! Just give us more plot next time.

-Daniel

Hey Gary, just gave this one a quick read... funny stuff, man.

It's by a screenwriter, about screenwriters, for screenwriters. Which is one of my only problem with it. I think the everyday person could relate to it more if it was about novels or books, instead of scripts.

I liked how it ended, and how you set it up all the way through, and I liked the stereotypes of the people critiquing.

I agree with Niles here... there should be more happening.... another aspect in there, somehow.

Anyway, very funny stuff as usual, good read.

Thanks Tommy!

I appreciate the comments from a fellow killer and thief (on SS only). The piece lacks adrenaline, I freely admit to that. And the suggestion to make it about writing books would definitelty make it for a wider acceptance. I had worried about the tagline being enough for the ending. Glad it worked for you. This was a character piece for me to help with dialogue.

Gary

BTW, it's great to sign on and see your short script on the portal again!

Gary,

Thought I would read this and give it the bump it deserves...

First let me say you are an excellent writer. Between this and "The Prince of Coal" I can see a lot of talent evident.

This piece was very well-written, and I for one enjoy a slice of life - I call it real people having real conversations.  We live in a world with 30 second sound bytes and where everything has to be sensationalized and get a "twist" ending. So I enjoyed the non-conformist approach. I could picture myself there, as either Dweeb or Mark, and that's the product of good writing.

I won't comment too much on the details because as we know you've already "arrived" with this; the only thing I found confusing though was that it appeared to be the duo's first time in this bar, yet they knew the bartender's name was Joe? (I could be mistaken about it being their first time there.)

Great job and best of luck with it - AJR

AJR --

Thanks for the read! And the compliment.

Yeah, it was the guys first time at the bar. But they didn't need to know the bartender's name because:

1) A good bartender never corrects a paying customer. Try it sometime.

2) Joe was on his name tag (a detail I didn't include in the script). I probably missed an opportunity for some name mix-up comedy.

Good catch!

That reminds me, time to get back to the Jets/Colts game.

Gary

Hey Gary.

Lol.  I wish I would've read 'Deader' first.  I can't wait to get over to that thread to see if any of Cliff's comments were taken directly from your feedback or not.

Pretty interesting idea, this one, actually.  While I was reading it, it felt kind of like something we'd do here at SS if we all lived in the same town.

I see that some of the main stuff you were focusing on here is dialogue and visuals.

The dialogue was good, if not just a little over the top, (mainly on Mark's part.)  I got a feeling for the atmosphere, that it was kind of a dive (Mark mentioning how sticky the bar was a great visual eventhough it was dialogue), but the mention of Miami Vice gave it a classy vibe for some reason in my head that didn't resonate with the dive bar I thought you were going after.

In the beginning, I got the impression that they had never been at the club before the way they were talking about it, but when they walk over to the bar, I saw they knew Joe's name right off the bat without him introducing himself to them.  Seemed awkward, especially when Joe didn't know their names.

Other than that, like I said, this was a pretty interesting and creative idea to come up with, and a good natured way to poke fun at yourself.  I think this story gets a lot of its charm because of that.

I'm headin' over to Deader now to find out if Cliff is actually based on somebody or not.  :-)

- Mark

I pictured myself on stage, Dreamscale and E.D. booing and throwing fruit, Phil sitting at the bar shaking his head, Bert clapping politely and checking his watch. And then I remembered unlike Dennis, I would have been drunk, so wouldn't have cared.

This was definitely a script targeting a specific audience! I congratulate you for that, having a little fun at the craft of screen writing.

Hey Mark and Kevin,

Thanks for looking at this my third effort. It is in direct response to the feedback in Deader so I’m glad you read that too.
I’m glad this one got a positive response from you, it was my salvation from screenwriter’s limbo. Again two years ago.

This was made into a stageplay for a local theater group. I loved it. All the parts hit, it was awesome.

* The Miami Vice color theme was meant to be outdated and tacky.
* Cliff is based on the actor Tim Curry.
* Several people noted the awkward greeting with Joe. I can’t remember if he had a nametag in an earlier version or if I was just playing off the bartender adage “call me any name you want as long as you pay when I bring you a beer.”
* I thought of making this piece specific to SS people but liked it as is (it definitely would be drunker and rowdier)
* Mark was hard to voice for me, he was meant to be a prick

GARY