SPOILERS!

I also suggest that you make it more clear that the girl is a killer in the end. Don't tell us... show us.

~Zack~

RV... Yes, good point regarding the comma. Will be fixed.

This is basically the same, with the stuff you mentioned changed.

Filming is not happening at the moment. My “friends” are lazy. Oh well.

PM will be sent, kind sir. Thanks for reading it again.

Gary... Hey. Yes, very good. The ink on the hand could work out really well.

Good point about the ending. I didn’t really want to go into too much detail, but I think I might have to explain a bit more over the phone... or have a scene after that (which would be BEFORE the phone call in real time).

I was thinking of making them cops, but I thought this was a “taking justice into our own hands” kinda thing. Which is why they made mistakes, didn’t have the courage to shoot her, etc.

Anyway, thanks for the read. Yes, the ending needs some work maybe... but as I said, I don’t want to go into too much detail, as it’s just a short.

Col.... Glad you appreciate the start, thanks. I thought of having the first scene of the two men at the beach, talking about what they have just done, THEN the shooting scene, but I thought it would be better to start the way it did.

Neighbours... I didn’t even think about that. I will add an old lady or some school kids or something.

Logline has been changed, so no issue there. But yes, it was appalling before.

Ah yes, the “who are they and how did they get the info” point. You are very correct, in a rewrite I will try and hint at what they are. The thing is I don’t really know who they are. Two guys looking for justice could be a bit steep... maybe she killed Steve’s daughter... who was in the same class as Amanda and Charlie’s daughter. That could work, and maybe justify them for being ordinary blokes. Thoughts?

Thanks for the page by page notes, and the read. Glad you liked it for the most part

Brian... Okay, I think I answered some of your questions in my post before, but I will say it again here.

The police are involved. I might have to say that somehow. They haven’t caught her though, she is too good. This is a “taking justice into our own hands” kinda thing.

Hmm, you’ve got me with the good friend making the phone call. Maybe I will make it a good friend of Amanda’s.... and they are feeling guilty for what is happening with all the killings... so they tell someone who can handle it. Why not tell the police, you may ask? Amanda deserves more than jail... death, my friend.

Steve is involved because his daughter was also killed by Amanda (this will come in the rewrite).

Do you think there should be more scenes in the start, middle or end? Don’t forget, the start is what happens last, in the timeline.

Thanks for the comments man, helpful stuff.

Craig.... Ah, you want to see her interacting with class mates? Interesting. That could maybe work with a flashback... I’m not sure. What I was thinking when writing this is that Amanda was teased and bullied for her whole school life, and now she is a bit older... she can have her revenge. That is her motivation... which is not clear, but WILL be added in the rewrite. Thanks for bringing it up.

Can you please tell me a bit more about other scenes you would want to see to make it work?

Thanks man.

Zack.... I thought it was pretty clear, BUT I am definitely telling, not showing, which is a problem. I spent the longest time on the last scene, wondering how to show that Amanda was the killer.

Any ideas of what I could do instead of a phone call? Actually show her with knives/something to show she is a killer? Then cut to black? Or?

Thanks.

SPOILERS!

Maybe when the two men arrive at her house she is in the process of killing one of her victims. Now that'd be pretty clear... not to mention completely fucked up.

~Zack~

Tommy,


I haven't read any of the comments, so here goes a review of repeats...Maybe.


From this, I really enjoyed it. I really liked how you told it backwards, and I really like that style if done really well. I remember reading another script on here about a man and woman who die together as strangers just as an asteroid is about to destroy the world, and it starts with the asteroid hitting, and goes backwards to when everyone finds out about it.

I think you did a very good job telling the story, and the twist was pretty good, thinking that these two men are the real killers, but then it turns out that she's the one who's been killing the whole time, and I wasn't expecting it. Though, I'm not sure why Amanda decided to hit one of them with a pan and then run, when she should have really fought back for a bit. Probably because one of the had a gun, but still, if she's the killer, she should fight back at first, and then run.

Other than that, I really liked this.

Sean

Zack... good idea. That could work well and would be a much better reveal than just on the phone. Hmm, my thinking cap is on.

Sean... you raise a good point about Amanda not fighting back. There was a gun, and two verses one, but a killer would surely fight, yeah. I didn't want her to bring out the big guns in that scene, as I want the audience to believe she is the victim.... so I will need to get a good amount of her fighting back, but not too much.

Point added to the rewrite list, thanks for the read. I'm glad you liked it

BREANNE’S RANT

Beginning… now.

A word about title pages: You can do what you want but honestly it can hurt you not to have a title page. With me, for example, as I’m sure with a lot of other people, I often print scripts so I can read them elsewhere besides sitting at my computer. I also often print scripts to read later. If I come back later and a script has no title, a lot of times I end up throwing it away because I can’t recall what it was that grabbed my interest in the first place. If I feel like I need to eliminate some work, tossing scripts I don’t remember is one of the first things I’ll do. Title pages help remind people what the heck they’re reading when they get to it.

END RANT

Okay, these “scenes out of order” stories never did much for me. I didn’t even care for it with “Memento.” I know some people love that stuff but it doesn’t do anything for me. I find a lot of times this device is used to spice up a story that would be run-of-the-mill if it were told linearly.

In the case of “Memento,” I thought it was an interesting story but I didn’t really see the need for it to be told backward. I thought it would have been better served if it had just been told linearly.

That said, it’s interesting that the technique does reveal a twist at the “end” that makes it sort of work out of sequence as you have it. In that regard, you’re semi justified.

The end is the beginning so it serves as both setup and payoff. And the payoff suffers because the setup suffers. Charlie’s dialogue in the “end” gets a little on the nose and there’s no motive given for Amanda. It’s like you needed to tie up loose ends but the story was really just a little too big for you to neatly do that.

As far as “out of sequence” stories go, the basic story is actually pretty solid. In other words, the general idea behind this is good. I think it maybe needs a little more development to really work though.


Breanne

Breanne.... regarding the title page, I didn't mean to not have it, I'm using Final Draft 8, and it isn't done automatically. I will fix it soon. Thanks though.

I can understand why you don't like backwards type films, but I'm glad you can appreciate them in terms of having a twist on the end.... which is really the beginning.

If this story was told in order it would be quite ordinary.

Now, the dialogue at the end. Yeah, I mentioned earlier, that that was the hardest bit to write. I knew what I wanted to end it with, but now how to show that.

Any ideas on how I could end it?

Regarding motive for Amanda, that will come in a rewrite.... a few people have mentioned it, and it is a hole in the story, so thanks for pointing that out.

Thanks again for the read, it is helpful

Hey Tommy, I've not read the previous comments.

I noticed on page 4, Amanda hides in the house but then runs out into the garden.  The slug/header is INT - HOUSE, so you might need to add one or something like INT/EXT.

Anyway on to the story.  I enjoyed this and liked the way you told it backwards, it made an average story much better.  I say 'average' because we don't know much about any of the characters.  Why is Amanda killing the girls and why are Charlie and Steve after her?  Charlie says his daughter is next so is he just a vigilante?  A lot of unanswered questions here.

I did like the way you played this out though.  It was entertaining and because it was a non-linear piece, it kept it exciting to see why Amanda was killed.  Writing was good, as was the dialogue so no complaints there.

I have the same problem with the title page on finaldraft so always include one as page 1 and then change the page numbers.

Pretty good read though Tommy, and it was certainly enjoyable.

Quoted from Tommyp Any ideas on how I could end it?

Hmm. If you want to keep the basic setup, then I think you’re going to have to expand it a little.

For one, who is Steve and why would he be helping Charlie? Is Steve, who’s thirty, someone’s brother? Presuming Charlie is talking to Steve on the phone at the end, Charlie calls Steve mate, presumably because he’s just a friend. Yet Steve seems more street experienced than Charlie. So I was thinking maybe there should be a scene where Charlie hires Steve. Maybe Steve is some sleazy private detective or something. I don’t know, is that getting too close to “Memento”?

In any event, I think we need something more from all three characters.

You may need to scale down Amanda’s crimes. Maybe she’s already killed Charlie’s daughter and gotten away with it in a court of law. Maybe Charlie wants vengeance. Maybe Steve is the brother of another victim. Maybe there’s a scene where Amanda tips Charlie that she’s manipulative and not innocent.

Amanda says nothing at all. It’s hard to accept her as someone who should die. We don’t know if she’s guilty. We don’t know what she has to say about her alleged crimes. Maybe just add a little to show that Amanda is a cold blooded killer. I think you need to work out exactly what Amanda did. You don’t have to show it but I do think you need to reference it.

You might even base it loosely off the Amanda Knox case. Maybe there was a male killer involved who was tried and convicted of killing Charlie’s daughter and Steve’s sister. Maybe Charlie’s daughter was the intended target and Steve’s sister was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe Amanda gets off because the police couldn’t connect her directly to the crime. Then some piece of evidence leads Charlie to conclude that Amanda is really a calculated murderess.

I honestly don’t think it needs a whole lot of expansion. I think you just need to work the situation out in your head and build the story around that situation.

Hope this helps and doesn’t make matters more confusing.


Breanne

Hi tommy. Yeah, I remember reading this when you were working on it. And it took me 3 reads before I got it! Though, to be fair, it wasn't quite finished then.
if I recall, i finally realised it was all happening backwards.

It is a good indication of your skills that it can actually be read either way, though would be puzzling.
Anyway, nice little short. If you can think of a neat twist to 'end' it (besides the revelation about Amanda) it will be more powerful.
cheers buddy

aw man, I was goona read this but it come up file damged needs repaired so I can't read it.

Nice script Tommy,

Liked the non-linear structure.  You must've put a lot of thought into it.   For some reason I would've liked to see Steve and Charlie be a bit younger.  Mid to late twenties.   But that's just me.   Also a twist within the twist at the end would've been nice.  Like briefly explain why Amanda was killing?   Maybe Charlie's "good friend" owns a pharmaceutical company and gave her an experimental drug that turned her into a sociopath.  

Alffy... Hey man. Good point about the header. It will be changed.

Glad you like it! Your questions have been brought up before... Amanda is killing because of troubles she had when she was in high school. Bullying and such, this is her revenge. Charlie is just a vigilante. The police don’t have any enough evidence on her, and Charlie and Steve think that she deserves to die, before the police get enough... and she only goes to jail.

Thanks for the tip of the title page, appreciated.

Breanne... In the rewrite I am going to make it that Steve’s daughter/sister had been killed by Amanda in the past... so that’s why he would help Charlie when he calls. Saying that, there are other possibilities of what Steve is, but I think I like what I have and it works.

Okay, Amanda talking, yes. I did have dialogue for her, but most of it was swearing at Steve and Charlie, which took away her innocents and likability. But yeah, when I rewrite it, I will probably give her a few lines, to make her more real.

I have googled Amanda Knox and will check it out, thanks.

“Maybe Charlie’s daughter was the intended target and Steve’s sister was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe Amanda gets off because the police couldn’t connect her directly to the crime. Then some piece of evidence leads Charlie to conclude that Amanda is really a calculated murderess.”

...  Is all very possible and I like it a lot.

Yeah, I think I can add all I want to in one or two more pages. See how things go.
Again, thanks. Your brainstorming has helped a lot.

Stevie... Thanks for the read. Now,  another twist would be very interesting. It might be too much though. I’ll keep the thinking beanie on (I don’t own a cap).

Tonka... It still works for me... so the problem might be at your end. Try changing browsers maybe?

Screenrider... thanks for the read. You posted on here a few times then deleted the post? Then posted again? It happened a few times. Anyway, looks like this post is here to stay.

The whole idea with Steve and Charlie being older is because their daughters have to be the ones being hunted by Amanda. I could make it sisters... but that might be too much of a coincidence.

Interesting idea about drugs and Amanda. In the rewrite I am going to add the reason being that she got bullied in high school.

Thanks again man, glad you liked it.

So everything I asked was already asked and answered lol.  I guess I got the premises then, so that's good news for you then Tommy.