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The story-telling reminds me of Memento. I'm not gonna lie, I have no idea what was happening. This was incredibly hard to follow. What I got was that these two guys were tracking down and killing a killer? Is that right? Maybe this just went over my head and I'm completely missing the bigger picture. I like the idea of telling a story backwards, but for this type of story-telling to work you need some kind of a twist. Good format and interesting story-telling, but that doesn't matter if you don't have an interesting story.
The twist is that she is the "bad guy". From the very start you think (well, I hope you think) that the two men are bad, but then right at the end it is revealed that Amanda is a killer, and for the men, killing her was justified.
If that doesn't help you to understand it, I'm missing a few scenes explaining the story.
Was it hard to follow because it was backwards? Or wasn't there just enough story there?
Okay, now it's clear. That's pretty cool except... the logline ruins it. The logline shouldn't even mention the possibility of the girl being a killer. I read the logline and assumed that she WAS a killer and was waiting for a twist. Instead... she was the killer. Very unexciting.
hi tommy, my main question after reading is why tell it backwards? And if there is a reason why isn't it in the scene heading. and we really need to know more of why steve and charlie have the task of hunting amanda. apart from that i like the idea of..."amanda is killing again. It’s eight this year." there is definetely something there.
Bill.... Thanks for the read. The reason to tell it backwards is for the twist. Which you would get if there wasn't the logline as it is now.
"If there is a reason why isn't it in the scene heading." I don't know what this means...
Okay, that's what I'm trying to get at. WHY Steve and Charlie are hunting her... why not someone else. Glad you don't find it clear... in the rewrite I might add another scene on that. Basically they go for it because Amanda will kill one of their daughters... and they have to stop her.
Thanks again man.
Graig What's up man?
Really glad you liked it - and didn't find it confusing.
A PM was sent to Don about the logline and it will be changed soon. I really don't know why I revealed the twist in the logline... I am a bit silly.
I'm using Final Draft 8, and when I make it into PDF, it doesn't add a title page... dunno why. Good point, I will have a fiddle and try and fix that. Thanks.
As I said, a great story- very enjoyable short with a structure a little different to the norm.
I just wished I hadn't read that damn logline first! I think the Mods (as in moderators, not quadrophenia types) can edit the logline if they're online...
Might be past your bedtime now. Sorry, I have no idea why I mentioned that. My feminine side must be kicking in.
Yep, that logline tells too much. Thankfully most don't pay enough attention to them. I'd fix it, email Don or a mod, as it kinda spoils and takes too much away.
I remember this one well. Thought it was a good example of how to do a differing time frames type script and, could cost just pennies to make.
I'd say without the time tricks it'd be just another slasher / chase script. Nothing wrong with that in itself but, it's been done so many times a writer has to bring something new to the table.
Quoted from Hunted
tall and thin backs into the shed.
I'm usually the fella who strongly advises in dumping most of the commas in a script but you're actually missing one there. Either that or a reword would help.
Is this different from the one I read earlier or the same with a few minor changes? How's the filming plan progressing?
If you want me to go through a few things that could tighten it up a bit then PM me and I'll PM em back. As you're planning on getting it shot, it's a bit academic but, you might wanna just to see how things can be improved, in my humble, of course.
It's the right length for a short and enough happens to make it worthwhile. And, to extend it wouldn't help. So well done on those scores, not as easy as it seems by any stretch.
Good story. Nicely told. I did enjoy wardsback way of telling it.
Couple of comments:
Should the story be called the Hunter? Amanda is the hunted, yet the story isn't about her. We don't learn much about her. Never mind, I got it: the hunter is now the hunted.
Should Charlie have ink on his hand at the opening scene? He did write on it earlier in the time line. That's one of those clues Memento did so well with.
A good friend told him? Short, but too easy an explanation. Who would rat Amanda out like that? Why weren't there any cops? If school girls were being murdered (eight this year), the feds would be all over this one.
I wonder if putting times in the slug line (DAY - EARLIER) would have helped me figure out the time line quicker? No, that's probably the hook in all this. I have no idea how Chris Nolan did it in Memento.
Great start to this, really sucked me in. I love how Charlie tells Steve to "Wait!" before asking can he do the honours himself…then balking it. Funny how the younger man is the more ruthless, nice twist with that as its usually the older, more experienced individual who takes charge of things in such situations (as portrayed in the movies of course, not that I have any first hand experience or anything)
Where the fu?k are all the neighbours when Steve is chasing Amanda? I like how you wrote it, separating the lines gave it a directness and clarity but they came out of one house, ran around it, out onto the footpath, down the road and into (presumably) someone else’s house without any intervention from neighbours, passers by, etc. Reminds of "No Country For Old Men" when Anton chases Moss around the block, gunshots an all without any interference whatsoever from anybody. I always found that scene, as entertaining as it was, very hard to buy, like what you have here.
As already stated, the logline reveals way too much. Given the Irreversible-esque structure to the script, you’re telling us in advance what we are only supposed to find out at the end.
I see what you were trying to do by making Amanda appear as the victim before its revealed that she is in fact the killer and the no nonsense tough guy Steve along with his rather inept sidekick Charlie are the good guys, in a way, (no one want to champion vigilantes’ either) But again the logline gives all this away, and as Zack pointed out, you need more of a twist for this type of structure to be fully realised.
Maybe I missed something but who are these to guys, police, detectives or just ordinary people out for justice? Who is Charlie’s mysterious source, how do they know so much about Amanda’s grizzly activities without being able to tell the cops and letting them handle it?
I think you have an interesting idea here which I feel needs a bit of a rethink to fully develop it and have it reach its potential. As it stands, I have too many questions as to why and how and that’s not because I couldn’t understand its structure or mode of storytelling it’s because not enough is given to us on the page. We need to understand or at least be given some indication of the motivations of these characters and why the situation has come to this.
As I said, good idea but in my opinion, needs some work.
Some page by page notes.
"Steve stands above Amanda. He shakes his head at her. He points the gun at her face, and pulls the trigger."
"He presses a button on the radio, and country music comes on."
-- I noticed a number of times you have a comma followed by an "and" not really necessary. I'd recommend using one or the other. In most cases, a comma will suffice.
CHARLIE No. No I don’t.
The car continues down the road.
-- Should there be a change of scene here, it seems we have gone from inside the car with the two talking to an exterior shot of the car travelling along the road.
"Steve nods, as he opens his door."
-- Again the comma feels redundant here
CHARLIE (CONT’D) We have reached our destination pretty lady.
-- Comma before "pretty lady"
"Charlie runs out the door - sweat runs down his face as he catches his breath. He slows to a stop as he stands in the yard."
-- Just a personal preference with me but I try not to (but sometimes do) repeat the same phrasing so close together like here you have "as he" twice in succession. A small thing, I know.
I've read the previous comments after I finished the script. I see your logline has been changed so you did catch me off-guard with the twist that Amanda is not really a victim. Although I was surprised, I couldn't buy it, it seemed very far fetched with little explanation given as to why Amanda is a killer.
Why didn't they get the police involved? How does Charlie know his daughter's next? (A good friend doesn't work for me) Why would Steve become involved to kill someone after one very brief phone call? There's too many questions here which need to be answered in some way.
I do think it's a good story, it just feels like there's a few scenes missing to give the complete picture and make the twist come off as memorable and not a "WHAT?" moment.
While intrigued, I was also a bit confused while reading, but the ending brought it around for me. As some others have said, I would add a few scenes showing Amanda interacting with some of the other clasmates before she starts knocking them off. What was her motivation?
That said, I thought you did a really good job considering the amount of space. I think this is one of those rare ocassions where adding pages as opposed to cutting would do wonders.
RV... Yes, good point regarding the comma. Will be fixed.
This is basically the same, with the stuff you mentioned changed.
Filming is not happening at the moment. My “friends” are lazy. Oh well.
PM will be sent, kind sir. Thanks for reading it again.
Gary... Hey. Yes, very good. The ink on the hand could work out really well.
Good point about the ending. I didn’t really want to go into too much detail, but I think I might have to explain a bit more over the phone... or have a scene after that (which would be BEFORE the phone call in real time).
I was thinking of making them cops, but I thought this was a “taking justice into our own hands” kinda thing. Which is why they made mistakes, didn’t have the courage to shoot her, etc.
Anyway, thanks for the read. Yes, the ending needs some work maybe... but as I said, I don’t want to go into too much detail, as it’s just a short.
Col.... Glad you appreciate the start, thanks. I thought of having the first scene of the two men at the beach, talking about what they have just done, THEN the shooting scene, but I thought it would be better to start the way it did.
Neighbours... I didn’t even think about that. I will add an old lady or some school kids or something.
Logline has been changed, so no issue there. But yes, it was appalling before.
Ah yes, the “who are they and how did they get the info” point. You are very correct, in a rewrite I will try and hint at what they are. The thing is I don’t really know who they are. Two guys looking for justice could be a bit steep... maybe she killed Steve’s daughter... who was in the same class as Amanda and Charlie’s daughter. That could work, and maybe justify them for being ordinary blokes. Thoughts?
Thanks for the page by page notes, and the read. Glad you liked it for the most part
Brian... Okay, I think I answered some of your questions in my post before, but I will say it again here.
The police are involved. I might have to say that somehow. They haven’t caught her though, she is too good. This is a “taking justice into our own hands” kinda thing.
Hmm, you’ve got me with the good friend making the phone call. Maybe I will make it a good friend of Amanda’s.... and they are feeling guilty for what is happening with all the killings... so they tell someone who can handle it. Why not tell the police, you may ask? Amanda deserves more than jail... death, my friend.
Steve is involved because his daughter was also killed by Amanda (this will come in the rewrite).
Do you think there should be more scenes in the start, middle or end? Don’t forget, the start is what happens last, in the timeline.
Thanks for the comments man, helpful stuff.
Craig.... Ah, you want to see her interacting with class mates? Interesting. That could maybe work with a flashback... I’m not sure. What I was thinking when writing this is that Amanda was teased and bullied for her whole school life, and now she is a bit older... she can have her revenge. That is her motivation... which is not clear, but WILL be added in the rewrite. Thanks for bringing it up.
Can you please tell me a bit more about other scenes you would want to see to make it work?
Thanks man.
Zack.... I thought it was pretty clear, BUT I am definitely telling, not showing, which is a problem. I spent the longest time on the last scene, wondering how to show that Amanda was the killer.
Any ideas of what I could do instead of a phone call? Actually show her with knives/something to show she is a killer? Then cut to black? Or?
Maybe when the two men arrive at her house she is in the process of killing one of her victims. Now that'd be pretty clear... not to mention completely fucked up.
I haven't read any of the comments, so here goes a review of repeats...Maybe.
From this, I really enjoyed it. I really liked how you told it backwards, and I really like that style if done really well. I remember reading another script on here about a man and woman who die together as strangers just as an asteroid is about to destroy the world, and it starts with the asteroid hitting, and goes backwards to when everyone finds out about it.
I think you did a very good job telling the story, and the twist was pretty good, thinking that these two men are the real killers, but then it turns out that she's the one who's been killing the whole time, and I wasn't expecting it. Though, I'm not sure why Amanda decided to hit one of them with a pan and then run, when she should have really fought back for a bit. Probably because one of the had a gun, but still, if she's the killer, she should fight back at first, and then run.
Zack... good idea. That could work well and would be a much better reveal than just on the phone. Hmm, my thinking cap is on.
Sean... you raise a good point about Amanda not fighting back. There was a gun, and two verses one, but a killer would surely fight, yeah. I didn't want her to bring out the big guns in that scene, as I want the audience to believe she is the victim.... so I will need to get a good amount of her fighting back, but not too much.
Point added to the rewrite list, thanks for the read. I'm glad you liked it
A word about title pages: You can do what you want but honestly it can hurt you not to have a title page. With me, for example, as I’m sure with a lot of other people, I often print scripts so I can read them elsewhere besides sitting at my computer. I also often print scripts to read later. If I come back later and a script has no title, a lot of times I end up throwing it away because I can’t recall what it was that grabbed my interest in the first place. If I feel like I need to eliminate some work, tossing scripts I don’t remember is one of the first things I’ll do. Title pages help remind people what the heck they’re reading when they get to it.
END RANT
Okay, these “scenes out of order” stories never did much for me. I didn’t even care for it with “Memento.” I know some people love that stuff but it doesn’t do anything for me. I find a lot of times this device is used to spice up a story that would be run-of-the-mill if it were told linearly.
In the case of “Memento,” I thought it was an interesting story but I didn’t really see the need for it to be told backward. I thought it would have been better served if it had just been told linearly.
That said, it’s interesting that the technique does reveal a twist at the “end” that makes it sort of work out of sequence as you have it. In that regard, you’re semi justified.
The end is the beginning so it serves as both setup and payoff. And the payoff suffers because the setup suffers. Charlie’s dialogue in the “end” gets a little on the nose and there’s no motive given for Amanda. It’s like you needed to tie up loose ends but the story was really just a little too big for you to neatly do that.
As far as “out of sequence” stories go, the basic story is actually pretty solid. In other words, the general idea behind this is good. I think it maybe needs a little more development to really work though.
Breanne.... regarding the title page, I didn't mean to not have it, I'm using Final Draft 8, and it isn't done automatically. I will fix it soon. Thanks though.
I can understand why you don't like backwards type films, but I'm glad you can appreciate them in terms of having a twist on the end.... which is really the beginning.
If this story was told in order it would be quite ordinary.
Now, the dialogue at the end. Yeah, I mentioned earlier, that that was the hardest bit to write. I knew what I wanted to end it with, but now how to show that.
Any ideas on how I could end it?
Regarding motive for Amanda, that will come in a rewrite.... a few people have mentioned it, and it is a hole in the story, so thanks for pointing that out.
I noticed on page 4, Amanda hides in the house but then runs out into the garden. The slug/header is INT - HOUSE, so you might need to add one or something like INT/EXT.
Anyway on to the story. I enjoyed this and liked the way you told it backwards, it made an average story much better. I say 'average' because we don't know much about any of the characters. Why is Amanda killing the girls and why are Charlie and Steve after her? Charlie says his daughter is next so is he just a vigilante? A lot of unanswered questions here.
I did like the way you played this out though. It was entertaining and because it was a non-linear piece, it kept it exciting to see why Amanda was killed. Writing was good, as was the dialogue so no complaints there.
I have the same problem with the title page on finaldraft so always include one as page 1 and then change the page numbers.
Pretty good read though Tommy, and it was certainly enjoyable.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Hmm. If you want to keep the basic setup, then I think you’re going to have to expand it a little.
For one, who is Steve and why would he be helping Charlie? Is Steve, who’s thirty, someone’s brother? Presuming Charlie is talking to Steve on the phone at the end, Charlie calls Steve mate, presumably because he’s just a friend. Yet Steve seems more street experienced than Charlie. So I was thinking maybe there should be a scene where Charlie hires Steve. Maybe Steve is some sleazy private detective or something. I don’t know, is that getting too close to “Memento”?
In any event, I think we need something more from all three characters.
You may need to scale down Amanda’s crimes. Maybe she’s already killed Charlie’s daughter and gotten away with it in a court of law. Maybe Charlie wants vengeance. Maybe Steve is the brother of another victim. Maybe there’s a scene where Amanda tips Charlie that she’s manipulative and not innocent.
Amanda says nothing at all. It’s hard to accept her as someone who should die. We don’t know if she’s guilty. We don’t know what she has to say about her alleged crimes. Maybe just add a little to show that Amanda is a cold blooded killer. I think you need to work out exactly what Amanda did. You don’t have to show it but I do think you need to reference it.
You might even base it loosely off the Amanda Knox case. Maybe there was a male killer involved who was tried and convicted of killing Charlie’s daughter and Steve’s sister. Maybe Charlie’s daughter was the intended target and Steve’s sister was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe Amanda gets off because the police couldn’t connect her directly to the crime. Then some piece of evidence leads Charlie to conclude that Amanda is really a calculated murderess.
I honestly don’t think it needs a whole lot of expansion. I think you just need to work the situation out in your head and build the story around that situation.
Hope this helps and doesn’t make matters more confusing.
Hi tommy. Yeah, I remember reading this when you were working on it. And it took me 3 reads before I got it! Though, to be fair, it wasn't quite finished then. if I recall, i finally realised it was all happening backwards.
It is a good indication of your skills that it can actually be read either way, though would be puzzling. Anyway, nice little short. If you can think of a neat twist to 'end' it (besides the revelation about Amanda) it will be more powerful. cheers buddy
Liked the non-linear structure. You must've put a lot of thought into it. For some reason I would've liked to see Steve and Charlie be a bit younger. Mid to late twenties. But that's just me. Also a twist within the twist at the end would've been nice. Like briefly explain why Amanda was killing? Maybe Charlie's "good friend" owns a pharmaceutical company and gave her an experimental drug that turned her into a sociopath.
Alffy... Hey man. Good point about the header. It will be changed.
Glad you like it! Your questions have been brought up before... Amanda is killing because of troubles she had when she was in high school. Bullying and such, this is her revenge. Charlie is just a vigilante. The police don’t have any enough evidence on her, and Charlie and Steve think that she deserves to die, before the police get enough... and she only goes to jail.
Thanks for the tip of the title page, appreciated. Breanne... In the rewrite I am going to make it that Steve’s daughter/sister had been killed by Amanda in the past... so that’s why he would help Charlie when he calls. Saying that, there are other possibilities of what Steve is, but I think I like what I have and it works.
Okay, Amanda talking, yes. I did have dialogue for her, but most of it was swearing at Steve and Charlie, which took away her innocents and likability. But yeah, when I rewrite it, I will probably give her a few lines, to make her more real.
I have googled Amanda Knox and will check it out, thanks.
“Maybe Charlie’s daughter was the intended target and Steve’s sister was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe Amanda gets off because the police couldn’t connect her directly to the crime. Then some piece of evidence leads Charlie to conclude that Amanda is really a calculated murderess.”
... Is all very possible and I like it a lot.
Yeah, I think I can add all I want to in one or two more pages. See how things go. Again, thanks. Your brainstorming has helped a lot.
Stevie... Thanks for the read. Now, another twist would be very interesting. It might be too much though. I’ll keep the thinking beanie on (I don’t own a cap).
Tonka... It still works for me... so the problem might be at your end. Try changing browsers maybe?
Screenrider... thanks for the read. You posted on here a few times then deleted the post? Then posted again? It happened a few times. Anyway, looks like this post is here to stay.
The whole idea with Steve and Charlie being older is because their daughters have to be the ones being hunted by Amanda. I could make it sisters... but that might be too much of a coincidence.
Interesting idea about drugs and Amanda. In the rewrite I am going to add the reason being that she got bullied in high school.
Hey Tommy, just got around to reading this one mate. I think it's good that you are trying something a bit different here with the structure, as trying new things will benefit you as a writer.
As for the story, the thoughts I had have already been covered really. Yeah there needs to be more explanation as to why things are happening and character motivation etc. I think we really need to see Amanda as the cold, sadistic killer so that ultimately we feel that her death is justified. I mean in the end we find out she is a killer, but without SEEING that side to her it does not have the same emotional impact. By just seeing her as a blonde teenage girl the audience is likely to sympathise with her at the start as she seems innocent. Which I know is what you are going for, so good job with that. But unless we see the evil side to her I don't think you are going to be able to turn the audience's emotions around enough so that we feel satisfied with her getting killed.
With the structure of the script and telling the story in reverse, I didn't have a problem with it but in some places was confusing. Like if there was a new scene location I would have to double check to see if it was a new scene and the story was moving forward still, or if we were jumping back in time. A thought I had was that you could use Supers to indicate if there was a time change eg. SUPER : 10 MINS AGO or something like that. Might not be something you want in your story but it would help with the confusion.
Otherwise nothing really to add, look forward to reading the next draft.
Ah, you want to see her interacting with class mates? Interesting. That could maybe work with a flashback... I’m not sure. What I was thinking when writing this is that Amanda was teased and bullied for her whole school life, and now she is a bit older... she can have her revenge. That is her motivation... which is not clear, but WILL be added in the rewrite.
Yeah, this is kind of what I was thinking. A FB showing us her motivation for ultimately deciding to knock off her classmates. I know some people are hesitant to use FB's, but IMO I think it could work here. My only worry would be that with the unique structure you've decided to tell this story, it might get a little confusing.
That said, i thik it would do wonders to find some way to incorporate this. Anyway, good luck and I enjoyed it.
Tim.... Thanks for the read. I thought I replied to you here, but obviously I didn't.
I think supers would wreck the whole vibe, and be too blatant. I want to challenge the audience in a way, to keep up with the story and use their minds.
Anyway glad you like it, and thanks for the comments. Craig... I'm rewriting this now, and thinking of flashbacks... I will have to find a reason for them instead of just random though, so see what happens. Thanks for the idea man. A rewrite is on the way and should be submitted in the next few days.
The only thing I I'm not sure about is why Steve kills the girl with no problem. Most people would have a hard time murdering someone. I understand she's a killer, but still. Maybe add a line about Steve doing this kinda thing, or something. I don't know. that was the only part that i wasn't sure about.
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