Hey Tommy, just got around to reading this one mate. I think it's good that you are trying something a bit different here with the structure, as trying new things will benefit you as a writer.

As for the story, the thoughts I had have already been covered really. Yeah there needs to be more explanation as to why things are happening and character motivation etc. I think we really need to see Amanda as the cold, sadistic killer so that ultimately we feel that her death is justified. I mean in the end we find out she is a killer, but without SEEING that side to her it does not have the same emotional impact. By just seeing her as a blonde teenage girl the audience is likely to sympathise with her at the start as she seems innocent. Which I know is what you are going for, so good job with that. But unless we see the evil side to her I don't think you are going to be able to turn the audience's emotions around enough so that we feel satisfied with her getting killed.

With the structure of the script and telling the story in reverse, I didn't have a problem with it but in some places was confusing. Like if there was a new scene location I would have to double check to see if it was a new scene and the story was moving forward still, or if we were jumping back in time. A thought I had was that you could use Supers to indicate if there was a time change eg. SUPER : 10 MINS AGO or something like that. Might not be something you want in your story but it would help with the confusion.

Otherwise nothing really to add, look forward to reading the next draft.

Cheers,
Tim.

Hey Tommy,

Ah, you want to see her interacting with class mates? Interesting. That could maybe work with a flashback... I’m not sure. What I was thinking when writing this is that Amanda was teased and bullied for her whole school life, and now she is a bit older... she can have her revenge. That is her motivation... which is not clear, but WILL be added in the rewrite.

Yeah, this is kind of what I was thinking.  A FB showing us her motivation for ultimately deciding to knock off her classmates.  I know some people are hesitant to use FB's, but IMO I think it could work here.  My only worry would be that with the unique structure you've decided to tell this story, it might get a little confusing.

That said, i thik it would do wonders to find some way to incorporate this.  Anyway, good luck and I enjoyed it.

Craig

Tim.... Thanks for the read. I thought I replied to you here, but obviously I didn't.

I think supers would wreck the whole vibe, and be too blatant. I want to challenge the audience in a way, to keep up with the story and use their minds.

Anyway glad you like it, and thanks for the comments.

Craig... I'm rewriting this now, and thinking of flashbacks... I will have to find a reason for them instead of just random though, so see what happens. Thanks for the idea man.

A rewrite is on the way and should be submitted in the next few days.

A rewrite is a bloody good idea cause i still can't open this file and still I want to read it. Got to look after the SS regulars- Don says so.

Great script!

The only thing I I'm not sure about is why Steve kills the girl with no problem. Most people would have a hard time murdering someone. I understand she's a killer, but still. Maybe add a line about Steve doing this kinda thing, or something. I don't know. that was the only part that i wasn't sure about.

Good job!