Hey, Steve...

Returning the read.  I hate coming in late, everything was pretty much covered.  I don't know if this is your first attempt or not, but it was solid.  I don't do comedy, I'm not good at it... but I agree, the last line, i busted a gut.  And that's saying a lot coming from a guy with no sense of humor.

Clearly you can write.  I'll be on the lookout for your next script, and jump in on it quick.

But do re-write this though... it's definitely worth it.  JMHO.

Ghostie

Hi Coop - I completely missed this one - didn't realise it was one of yours. It's the first script you posted? I take that means it's not the first script you've written - formatting's very impressive for a first posting - hardly any typo's (maybe put one or two in, just to give us something to do..?)

I did try and read some of the postings here, but there's any awful lot of them, so I'm just going to go with my thoughts - please forgive me if I'm repeating too much.

I'm only looking at the story.

It was basically a joke that you would tell in a bar - I don't mean any offence here, so please don't take it that way - and to some extent there's nothing wrong in that - but I do think that nine minutes to effectively tell a 'joke' is too long - and this can easily be worked into a 3-5 pager.

I think some of the postings have referred to the outside sequence - I agree that this could be dropped altogether - it felt very superfluous: else you could have the guy's wife ring him, and then him looking at a neon sign - then telling his wife a different nightclub - as part of your setup, it couldn't be clearer.

Otherwise, you could start in the nightclub, with the guys at the bar. Re. the bar I think there are two issues here:

1.) Introducing Steve - is a bit cumbersome, and really stretches the imagination a bit as they don't know the guy. I think it could be done that Steve is their friend, but he's (and I hope I don't cause any offence here) the short fat useless one etc - that can be completed in a quick bit of dialogue.

2.) Carly is underused - it's also possible, maybe that Steve can be removed altogether, then have the guys maybe as new work colleagues, so that Carly delivers the line to Michael, and she acts as the distraction when Michael goes to dance. That utilises her character more.

Just rolling ideas around really - anything to make the script a little leaner - I think it'd work better if it was quicker, as there did appear to be some surplus.

All in all though, great work for a first post - I look forward to reading some more of your stuff.

Simon

--I've read half of the posts, so I'm going to go and read the rest now - so I might update this later on.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Hey, Steve... Returning the read.  I hate coming in late, everything was pretty much covered.  I don't know if this is your first attempt or not, but it was solid.  I don't do comedy, I'm not good at it... but I agree, the last line, i busted a gut.  And that's saying a lot coming from a guy with no sense of humor. Clearly you can write.  I'll be on the lookout for your next script, and jump in on it quick. But do re-write this though... it's definitely worth it.  JMHO. Ghostie

Thanks for the return read, Ghostie. It's much appreciated.

Glad it made you laugh and thanks for the words of encouragement, they're always nice to hear.

Thanks again.

Quoted from Forgive Hi Coop - I completely missed this one - didn't realise it was one of yours.

I thought you were just avoiding me!

Quoted from Forgive formatting's very impressive for a first posting - hardly any typo's (maybe put one or two in, just to give us something to do..?)

That’s right, finally someone understands why I left out a load of comma’s and put in a few spelling mistakes. I wanted to give you guys something to do. Thanks for noticing, Simon.

Quoted from Forgive It was basically a joke that you would tell in a bar - I don't mean any offence here, so please don't take it that way - and to some extent there's nothing wrong in that - but I do think that nine minutes to effectively tell a 'joke' is too long - and this can easily be worked into a 3-5 pager.

I agree with you, it was originally only supposed to be 5 to 6 pages but as a new writer I got carried away and kept adding more. I’ll have to learn stop that.

Quoted from Forgive it felt very superfluous: else you could have the guy's wife ring him, and then him looking at a neon sign - then telling his wife a different nightclub - as part of your setup, it couldn't be clearer.

Good suggestion, I may get of this scene altogether though when I do a rewrite as like you a lot of people have thought this was superfluous.

Quoted from Forgive 1.) Introducing Steve - is a bit cumbersome, and really stretches the imagination a bit as they don't know the guy. I think it could be done that Steve is their friend, but he's (and I hope I don't cause any offence here) the short fat useless one etc - that can be completed in a quick bit of dialogue.

But this would cause another problem IMO, Steve would know Flash's wife as they are friends, hence making it less likely the two would get to together. You have to remember these are confident drinking guys, they don't mind talking to strangers. Well I know I didn't when I was out on the town.

Quoted from Forgive Carly is underused - it's also possible, maybe that Steve can be removed altogether, then have the guys maybe as new work colleagues, so that Carly delivers the line to Michael, and she acts as the distraction when Michael goes to dance. That utilises her character more.

This isn't a bad suggestion at all, you left me thinking? Good comment!

Quoted from Forgive Just rolling ideas around really - anything to make the script a little leaner - I think it'd work better if it was quicker, as there did appear to be some surplus.

I agree. And it's always good to roll a few ideas around so thank you for that.

Quoted from Forgive All in all though, great work for a first post - I look forward to reading some more of your stuff.

Just don't leave it so long next time!! Just kidding, mate.

Thanks for the feedback, it's appreciated. Is there anything you want me to take a look at? Just pm me.

Thanks again.

Steve

I've cleared out the crap on this thread. There has been some bannage.  There has been some notifications made to internet providers.  Note to all, please don't troll on your company 's computer.   Steve, thanks for your patience on this.  

All, please stay on topic.  Please don't fuck with me on this.  

So, to stay on topic...

Bear in mind that I've been binging on BBC America (The Fades, The IT Crowd, Sherlock, The OFfice (uk) )  I liked this script.  The build up was great, however, I didn't like the payoff.  I do like that "Flash" got his, just not how he got it.  I think the 'ownage' could have been toned down a little.  

However, I liked the snappy dialouge.  

Don

Quoted from Don Bear in mind that I've been binging on BBC America (The Fades, The IT Crowd, Sherlock, The OFfice (uk) )  I liked this script.  The build up was great, however, I didn't like the payoff.  I do like that "Flash" got his, just not how he got it.  I think the 'ownage' could have been toned down a little.   However, I liked the snappy dialouge.   Don

Hey Don,

Thank you for taking a look even though you were brought here by unfortunate events. I’m glad you liked it in general and the dialogue worked for you, I did work hard to keep as natural as possible to the characters I was trying to portray.

Sorry you didn’t care for the payoff, I personally thought it worked well but we all see things differently I guess.

Thanks again.

Steve

As promised last night, I read this today.

The writing was fine. No complaints there.

Story wise, I think 9 pages is a bit long for a short about two guys chatting at a night club. It would even be a long scene in a feature, but maybe that's just me. I think some of the stuff outside the club can be cut out.

I didn't get why Gordon takes off his ring when Miranda is coming over. Seems he should be putting it on instead.

I had a feeling it would be Gordon's wife on the dance floor. I knew Gordon was going to get a taste of his own medicine, so there was no real surprise there. I hated Gordon though so the ending, even if no surprise, felt at least satisfying.

Michael wasn't much of a character really. Not much to say about him.

All in all, well written story that works, but could be a little tighter as it feels long for what it is.

Hey Pia,

Sorry for my late reply, Just want to thank you for your honest feedback and you are absolutely right in what you say, which is basically it needs to be shorter.

As it was my first piece and after reading some of your own work, for you say it was well written I take as a massive compliment! Thank you so much for taking a look.

Again apologies for my late response, couldn't be helped I'm afraid.

All the best.

Steve

hey steve, liked the script. got a nice evil laugh out of the end. i had no problems with the Aussie lingo. i think it was pretty obvious what you meant once it got going.

i didnt see THAT ending coming, but i had a pretty good feeling they were putting the dude on and he was going score anyway....still effective though

but yeah not much to add.  good stuff
cheers!

Hey Chris,

Thanks for taking a look, glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from Penoyer79 got a nice evil laugh out of the end.

Mwa ha ha! I do love a good evil laugh.

Quoted from Penoyer79 i had no problems with the Aussie lingo.

I was going for British actually but I'll take either one, thanks.

Thanks again for the read, much appreciated.

Cheers

Steve, you’ve had a lot of valuable feedback already but as I’m a learner too I’d like to learn a bit more by commenting on your first script.
The contrast in the attire of Gordon with Michael is well observed –shirtsleeves only is spot-on for an inveterate ‘clubber’ such as Gordon –but I would have liked to see this difference reflected more in their interaction. Michael’s trimmed beard and long coat suggests a studied self regard that might be expressed as a superior attitude towards Gordon.  Perhaps this might be shown in Michael’s more obvious manipulation of Gordon for his own amusement.
There are some inconsistencies, I think, in Gordon’s behaviour. Wouldn’t a character like he be more inclined to con a drink – perhaps in return for his ‘can’t fail’ chat-up line -- rather than altruistically shell out for a stranger? But it is his response in the face of his total humiliation that doesn’t ring true for me. Reverting to a polite, “Could I have a drink please?” (unnecessarily repeated) seems to me wrong and misses a great opportunity for Carley to twist the knife in his injured pride: What if she should say something like, “She scores like that every week, you little prick.”
As already said it would be good to have more of Carley and the feistier the better. Rather than a mere ‘sigh’ in response to Gordon’s sexist endearments a ‘finger’ would be more likely from a barmaid who must have heard it all loads’a times.
There are other places where the writing could be trimmed to make the script sharper and a couple of misuses of the question mark (e.g.  I don’t believe it?) but I enjoyed the read and hope you might post a rewrite. And, when I have the balls to do so, perhaps you will return the favour and review my first posted script?

Hey Steve,

Sorry that I'm getting to this one so late but like a few others I didn't realize this one was yours.  Also as a rank amateur, I don't know how much I can help but I figure I owe you a read.

So I did see the punch-line coming practically from the moment he lies about which bar he's going to but for what it was, I think it was a pretty good script.  I thought the slang gave the piece a bit of colour without being too indecipherable; I could figure out pretty much everything from context.  Obviously, I can't give you any tips on formatting :)  

I think if you ever get around to revising this you want to give Michael more to do or cut him out as he's pretty much a non-entity.  Also, I would have liked Gordon actually trying to chat up someone.  Seems like they spend a lot of time talking about how Gordon's trying to pick up, anything that moves, but it seems like they spend more time with Steve than anything else.

Anyway, I hope that helps.  Overall a great first effort!

:Duan

Hey Carter,

Thanks for taking a look at my script; you’ve made some valid points here.

Quoted from cartertaylor I would have liked to see this difference reflected more in their interaction.

It would have been nice to add something in their interaction but I thought it was already too long and didn’t to add extra pages with what I would consider unnecessary dialogue.

Quoted from cartertaylor Michael’s trimmed beard and long coat suggests a studied self regard that might be expressed as a superior attitude towards Gordon.

Michael is the more refined of the two but I think I failed in bringing that across, this was Flash’s show, Michael was the sidekick but definitely will try to beef up his role on a rewrite.

Quoted from cartertaylor Wouldn’t a character like he be more inclined to con a drink – perhaps in return for his ‘can’t fail’ chat-up line -- rather than altruistically shell out for a stranger?

Fair point but Gordon likes to show off his money, he’s a showman, player and doesn’t mind throwing round a few bucks to give off his image. We all wish we had a few bucks to throw around right?

Quoted from cartertaylor But it is his response in the face of his total humiliation that doesn’t ring true for me. Reverting to a polite, “Could I have a drink please?” (unnecessarily repeated) seems to me wrong

I think I have commented on this before but am happy to again. This was meant, Gordon is humiliated, shocked, his persona gone which shrinks him to what he really is under all the talk, a normal, hurt human being.

Quoted from cartertaylor misses a great opportunity for Carley to twist the knife in his injured pride: What if she should say something like, “She scores like that every week, you little prick.”

That for me would be out of context of her character and what a barmaid would do in this situation. I mean Gordon has just given her a nice little tip and was he really that offensive to deserve that. I don’t know, maybe…something to think about anyway.

Quoted from cartertaylor As already said it would be good to have more of Carley and the feistier the better.

Yeah, that’s a fair comment.

Quoted from cartertaylor There are other places where the writing could be trimmed to make the script sharper

Would you mind elaborating? I wouldn’t mind knowing for the rewrite and for my own personal curiosity, always like to know where I can improve.

Quoted from cartertaylor misuses of the question mark (e.g.  I don’t believe it?)

Good spot!

Quoted from cartertaylor I enjoyed the read and hope you might post a rewrite. And, when I have the balls to do so, perhaps you will return the favour and review my first posted script?

Glad you enjoyed the read. I will post a rewrite but it’s down on the priorities at the moment.
You’ve given some insightful comments here and look forward to returning the read, just pm me when some of your work is uploaded. There’s an OWC starting the end of the week so that would be a good chance to write something and get involved in if you’re interested.

Thanks again for taking a look, much appreciated.

Cheers

Hey Duan,

Thanks for taking a look man and everything you said will be of great help, I’m also a
rank amateur so you’re not alone there my friend.

I’m glad you liked it on the whole and I agree with you and everybody that either Michael needs more to do or be cut, I think it might be the latter if I’m honest.

Quoted from dbailey I would have liked Gordon actually trying to chat up someone.  Seems like they spend a lot of time talking about how Gordon's trying to pick up, anything that moves, but it seems like they spend more time with Steve than anything else.

Yeah, I think I could rework this with Carly, some angle with him hitting on her but still haven’t figured it out yet.

Thanks again for the comments, duly noted.

Cheers

Hey Steve.

Lol.  Couldn't help but notice you used your own name as a character in your script.  I always wonder when I see an author do that if there's anything behind it.  :-)

I thought this was amusing.  Knowing it was taking place at a nightclub, I know you weren't going to go for anything life changing... but I still got a positive feeling from reading.  (The way you built Gordon up as a prick definately made the ending satisfying.)

There is a lot in the pages that isn't needed or didn't add anything to the story, so it would be better if this were cut down to a 5 pager or so.  It would read a lot more crisp.  Not that it wasn't crisp, but it could use a brushing up to get rid of some slack.

(For instance, you can shift the first scene to the inside of the club, since the bouncer didn't add anything.  It wasn't an obstacle for them to get in.  Just little examples like that.)

But this was a pretty solid little story, and especially for a first script.

Good job.  I enjoyed it.

- Mark

Hey Mark,

Thanks for bringing this back to the forefront and you’re absolutely right, this needed to be shorter!  I wasted too much space with superfluous detail but it all felt important when writing it, I just couldn’t stop myself.

I’m glad you enjoyed it and that was the main goal other than a writing practice, to give readers a smile.

Thanks again for the read and bump on this.

Steve