Steve,
As your first, I liked it and I got the Aussieness to it, but was this meant to be british, ie: 'pounds'. I like where it opened, ie: outside the club, in the cold, and because it was a fast read, I don't believe this hindered it.

The first thing I noticed was the gap between 'FADE IN' and your first scene. I don't believe it's meant to be that wide.

'GORDON
Hell no. There's more than enough
Flash to go around. Miranda's one
lucky woman to even have a piece
of this.'

I really liked this - not that I liked what he was doing though.

I liked the twist and don't think the chat up line was all that important to know in the end because of this. I think keeping it out works better.

Thinking about it on screen - yes the audience needs to be suprised that Miranda is the one hooking up with Steve, but a producer/director needs to know who is in the shot and Miranda's name needs to be in the script when she is in the club. I also liked the phone call idea mentioned - I believe that she would call when she got to the club.

I also agree with Michael being a blank canvass, more of a character to him would be nice.

I didn't believe the 'Thanks' from Carly. I thought she would just kind of grin and walk off.

'STEVE
Cool! I'm Steve. How do you intend
to help me?'

I know this has already been picked at, but it does sound very formal. I could imagine him saying something more like: 'I'm Steve. So, how are you gonna help me?' It's not a big change, but it's less formal.

All in all - I did like it, I think you do have the makings for a good screenwriter and by the end I did want more of the story, which, IMO, is a good thing.  

Renee

This was a decent read that took a little effort to figure out the slang.  

I'd make it more clear that Flash is telling his wife to go to a different club than the one he's at.  Maybe there's a club across the street that he's telling her to go to.

I don't think you need to reveal exactly what the chat up line is, but you could leave clues as to what it is through dialogue.

Good job.

Hey Renee,

Thanks for the read and comments.

Quoted from RJ As your first, I liked it and I got the Aussieness to it, but was this meant to be british, ie: 'pounds'.

Yes it’s meant to be British but a few others have mentioned about it being Australian, either way I’m happy.

Quoted from RJ The first thing I noticed was the gap between 'FADE IN' and your first scene. I don't believe it's meant to be that wide.

Not too sure on the technical aspect of that to be honest but I do like white space on the page so I think it works.

I’m glad that you liked it overall, you’ve made some good notes and observations here so good on you for taking a look and leaving feedback.

Nomad,

Thanks for the read, buddy. Glad the slang took little effort for you to figure out. Please pm me if there is anything you would like a read on?

Thanks again, appreciated.  

Steve

Sorry if I repeated any of the comments above. I haven't read them all, only the first page. I decided to check this out as you left comments on my BE spec.

Minor things (see below), but these things don't detract from the story. It was easy to follow. The structure was good and provided a comical punch for a 10 minute short.

page 2: Gordon turns to the bar, clicks his fingers to the bartender...

Did you mean "snaps" his fingers? I'm not sure if this is a British versus American slang though.

page 3: The mini - slug "BAR" is all alone at the bottom. Might be best just to move it to the next page.

STEVE
Chat up line, I don't know.

I think this ought to be "Chat up line? I don't know."

pg 5:
MICHAEL
That's right mate, it never fails!

Again, ought to be "That's right mate. It never fails!"

pg 6:
Steve thrusts one of his arms in the air in celebration
Looks at Steve's sweaty head, leans back

Both sentences are missing periods.

Again, these are minor things. Good job!

RB

Hey Reginald,

Thanks for the feedback, mate.

I greatly appreciate all feedback and notes.

"Clicks" is a British term for "snaps"

All other things mentioned are correct and have been fixed now.

Thanks again.

Steve

Hello Steve,

Great job for a first script. I really liked the theme you were playing with.

I also thought the tension on not revealing the chat up line worked... but could be also be tightened with the reveal of it, at the end.

Hi Steve,

Thought I'd return the favour and give some feedback after you kindly read some of my MEAT script.

This flowed quite well IMO. Personally I found the first page the most interesting as it gave some detail to the characters behaviour. The initial arrogance from Gordy queing up and the quip back from the Bouncer I enjoyed.

I also got and liked the little visual exchange between Gordy and Michael during the phone conversation with Gordy's wife...and wished there was more of this non verbal action.

But as soon as we enter the club it kinda lost my interest: I know they're sposed to be unlikable characters, but they're also quite dull.

The lengthy conversations seemed quite unreal to me too, if I take my own clubbing experience into account. Usually words are shouted or lip read above the music drowning you out, but your dialogue rolls of the tongue without any loud music distracting or troubling the exchanges. And this IMO, if you do re-write this, could easily be used to make the scene more interesting and believable.

Cheers Steve.

Rob

Thanks Rob and Louise for taking a look at my script, all feedback is appreciated.

Quoted from Robbie37 This flowed quite well IMO. Personally I found the first page the most interesting as it gave some detail to the characters behaviour. The initial arrogance from Gordy queing up and the quip back from the Bouncer I enjoyed.

That's funny because most readers thought this opening was superfluous but it shows how different people see things.

Quoted from Robbie37 The lengthy conversations seemed quite unreal to me too, if I take my own clubbing experience into account. Usually words are shouted or lip read above the music drowning you out, but your dialogue rolls of the tongue without any loud music distracting or troubling the exchanges. And this IMO, if you do re-write this, could easily be used to make the scene more interesting and believable.

Yeah I understand where you're coming from here from my own clubbing days but I didn't want the dialogue to be broken up as I think it would hurt the flow. But certainly something to think about.

Thanks again.

Hey Steve

I was going through my own threads and I realized that you had made comments on all of my scripts and I hadn't provided a review on your work.

The script was well-written. The dialogue was awesome and you had a very clever ending. Just out of interest, did you come up with the punch-line or was it taken from a joke you'd heard before?

Sorry, I don't have anything else to comment on... Probably a good thing

Daniel

Hey Coop

Decided to return a read.Not having read the other reviews, I'm going into this fresh.  

My thoughts:

This was funny. I liked the ending. Took me completely surprise.

I think Gordon should reveal what he advised Steve to say.

I think this can be done all inside the club. Makes it more low budget. . The guys can talk while in the men's bathroom.

That's it. Hope this helps.

Gabe

Lolz... funny one. Poor gordy.

Good job, mate.

I like this script exactly as is... no need to reveal "the line" - it isn't important to drive the story, having been served in Steve's ear, and then into Miranda's - its job is done (knowing it won't make a speck of difference, except have people commenting "that wouldn't work...".  

I think the dialogue and action in the queue initially goes some way to exposition of the characters, and is important - especially the call and putting the ring in the pocket (the slimey prick)...

The 'twist', though not up with "Sixth Sense", is still enough of a pay off... IMHO...  It isn't a strong story, and won't win any festival prizes, but it is filmable and works...

Thanks for the hit, guys! It's great to see this come back to the top again.

Dan,

Thanks for a taking a look and I'm delighted you enjoyed it. This was my first attempt and I was really pleased with how it turned out.

Gabe,

Your feedback is much appreciated, I think you'll the first that was surprised by the ending.

James,

Thanks for giving my script some of your time and it's good to see you commenting on other scripts. Thanks, mate.

Gerry,

Thank you very much for the feedback, when someone states they like your script as is then they're okay in my books. I don't know if I've read any of your scripts but please don't hesitate to pm me or direct me to one so I could return the read.

Thanks again, guys. Your comments are appreciated.

Steve

Steve, the one script I posted was shocking... don't bother looking for it (I even miss spelled the title :/ )  I have two in the works ('Henchman', and 'A Cold Sleep Rouse') - and I promise, they are much, much better.  

Hi Steve,

For a first script it’s pretty good. I thought the dialogue had good content and flowed along nicely which is great as I like to read fast. I had a feeling the wife was going to be involved somehow at the end and I enjoyed the twist at the end and how the prank backfired.  




Kellie