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Devil's Due - OWC (currently 1248 views) |
Don |
Posted: August 12th, 2023, 9:05pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16458 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Devil's Due by Paul Knauer (PKCardinal) writing as Wyatt Derp - Short, Western, Suspense - A gambler's plan to rob a preacher meets unexpected resistance. 8 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work*August 2023 Writers' Choice |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
Don - August 23rd, 2023, 2:12pm | revised draft | | |
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LC |
Posted: August 13th, 2023, 5:54am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7644 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
This is what good story-telling is all about. Nailed it. Love it! |
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: August 13th, 2023, 12:49pm |
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Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1566 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
Ahoy Wyatt Derp - Hmm, I must say you did a good job drawing this reader into what promises to be a well-written story. Even though I just said "well-written," I'm referring to the telling of the story... I concur with Libby - a well-told story pulls you into its world and you've certainly done that with this. I prefer a bit more meat on the bones when it comes to certain descriptions but hey -- overall, job well done. Best of Irish luck! _ghostie gal |
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D.A.Banaszak |
Posted: August 13th, 2023, 6:32pm |
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New
LocationNortheast, kind of. Posts222 Posts Per Day 0.46 |
This is quite smooth. I was fully pulled into the tension of the opening scene. I was locked in to see what happened thereafter.
This was a great story to read. |
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Reply: 3 - 22 |
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AlsoBen |
Posted: August 13th, 2023, 7:23pm |
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Been Around
LocationAustralia Posts728 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Hi Wyatt, really enjoyed this - I love the Western setting, the stylistic dialogue and descriptions. Lots of “voice” here, and certainly doesn’t seem like something whipped up in less than 7 days. Great work |
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Reply: 4 - 22 |
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steven8 |
Posted: August 13th, 2023, 11:09pm |
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Old Timer The Ed Wood of Simply Scripts
LocationBarberton, OH Posts1156 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Oh, yeah. This one does it. That is one way cool story. A Twilight Zone in black and white from the vault of long-lost Rod Serling scripts. Cool, cool, cool!
Lee Marvin is Walt Jack Elam is the Preacher
P.S. - Cool, cool, cool... |
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Reply: 5 - 22 |
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kcranford |
Posted: August 14th, 2023, 4:16pm |
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New Features: Christmas Joe
Posts372 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Absolutely agree with all the previous comments - I loved this! I'm a fan of old westerns and you've really captured the style here. So here's my best compliment - of all the entries read so far, I would love most to see this one filmed. So there you have my review Double dose of thanks for creating this for this OWC! P. S. Per Steven above, we need to resurrect Jack Elam as the preacher! |
| Scripts Available: Christmas Joe (Holiday Drama) Every Time It Snows (Holiday Drama) Happy Holi-DNA (Holiday Romance) Let That Pony Run (Family Drama) With Love, From Romance (Holiday Romance) Essex (Historical Drama)
Shorts: Santuario (OWC Writers' Choice) Death (OWC) Savior (OWC) |
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Reply: 6 - 22 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: August 14th, 2023, 4:53pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4324 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
I was gonna say 'snakes don't act like that' then bang, very nice.
Loved this |
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Reply: 7 - 22 |
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MichaelYu |
Posted: August 15th, 2023, 8:13am |
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Posts93 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
I don't gamble so the first two pages was a bit boring to me. When Walt teamed up with the two to steal the bag, I looked forward to seeing the plot development. I was surpised to see the ending. The beauty of this script was the twist. I enjoyed reading this story.
Michael
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Reply: 8 - 22 |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: August 16th, 2023, 4:02am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.87 |
Hi Writer
You are certainly an accomplished writer, you make the world come alive with very few wasted words. A joy to read. The first half read better than the second.
Walt came across as a smart guy, so him not even considering that the other two would double cross him until the fever dream didn't seem in keeping with his character (I was half expecting him to have a plan to double cross them)
I probably would have liked a bit of foreshadowing for the whole preacher/snake element. (Even something incredibly subtle like instead of poker, they are playing craps and roll a snake-eyes)
Love the characters and their dialogue, the story was satisfying and this would probably be a joy to watch.
Thanks for sharing
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42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Reply: 9 - 22 |
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Abe from LA |
Posted: August 17th, 2023, 2:25am |
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Been Around
LocationDowney, California Posts556 Posts Per Day 0.08 |
Wow. Nice job, writer. I don't like westerns much, but I loved this story. I had read the comments about a twist ending. So I thought I could get the jump and guess what was coming. But no way, I didn't see the twist slithering up my leg. Great story telling, great writing and never a dull moment. Congrats. |
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Reply: 10 - 22 |
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Nomad |
Posted: August 18th, 2023, 2:31pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts721 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
This was horrible! Actually... this was the best one yet. I just had to say something different than everyone else to spice things up. This was definitely the most movie like script I've read from this OWC. I especially appreciated the terse writing style. My only gripes:
- Instead of Walt tracking them to the campsite after he wakes from his bite, that should be the place where he initially finds them after they cheat him during poker. Then he can tell them to rob the preacher and meet back here.
Tracking two guys across the desert in the dark would be pretty difficult.
- The Devil doesn't kill people, he makes them kill themselves or each other. Having the snake attack Walt at the end seems like it doesn't fit with how the Devil normally operates.
If the Devil starts to kill people, then what's to stop him from just killing everyone. There has to be a choice in the death. There wasn't one with Walt.
Maybe he freaks out when he sees the snake, starts shooting at it, that spooks the horse and it kicks Walt in the head, or maybe the reins get wrapped around his neck and he gets dragged into the desert.
Overall I enjoyed this and it doesn't make me regret my life choices. Thanks for the read. |
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Reply: 11 - 22 |
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ColinS |
Posted: August 19th, 2023, 2:12pm |
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January Project Group Keep Believing!
LocationUK Posts244 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
Hey Writer
Loved the western dialogue. Bang on, for me.
Story was all good too and met the parameters. |
| "Some Day I'll Be Saturday Night..." |
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Reply: 12 - 22 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: August 19th, 2023, 3:21pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Thanks for the comments and the votes! These OWCs are the best.
Nomad...excellent note regarding the ending. I've been thinking a lot about it. You're right on the money. I'm not sure if I'll make changes or not, but if I were writing from scratch, I would definitely go that direction. Still might.
Mathew...there is one tiny bit of foreshadowing on page one, but only for the reader. The Preacher "snakes" through the room. I'm embarrassingly proud of that one. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Reply: 13 - 22 |
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Zack |
Posted: August 20th, 2023, 2:13am |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4504 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Fantastic writing, as expected. Love the way you write prose, dude. So smooth, so visual. Excellent dialog as well. Very well-drawn characters. Damn, it's no wonder this one turned out to be a winner. A helluva script that you put together here, Paul. I do agree with Nomad, regarding the ending. The Devil shouldn't do the killing himself. That's beneath him. Other than that, I've got no complaints. Now, if you'll excuse me... I've suddenly got an uncontrollable urge to play some Red Dead Redemption. |
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Reply: 14 - 22 |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: August 20th, 2023, 5:04am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.87 |
Thanks for the comments and the votes! These OWCs are the best.
Nomad...excellent note regarding the ending. I've been thinking a lot about it. You're right on the money. I'm not sure if I'll make changes or not, but if I were writing from scratch, I would definitely go that direction. Still might.
Mathew...there is one tiny bit of foreshadowing on page one, but only for the reader. The Preacher "snakes" through the room. I'm embarrassingly proud of that one. |
Ha! I totally missed that one. |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Storey_Matters |
Posted: August 22nd, 2023, 1:18pm |
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Posts92 Posts Per Day 0.14 |
Code MARVIN, 33,
prettier than Dirk, but only because his hat rides so low. |
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Nice. And yes, a twist I didn't see coming. Also, a twist that ties up the story nicely. Great script. |
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Reply: 16 - 22 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: August 22nd, 2023, 2:32pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Code MARVIN, 33,
prettier than Dirk, but only because his hat rides so low. |
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Nice. And yes, a twist I didn't see coming. Also, a twist that ties up the story nicely. Great script. |
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it. The reaction to this script has been tons of fun. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Reply: 17 - 22 |
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Nomad |
Posted: August 23rd, 2023, 12:32pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts721 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Nomad...excellent note regarding the ending. I've been thinking a lot about it. You're right on the money. I'm not sure if I'll make changes or not, but if I were writing from scratch, I would definitely go that direction. Still might. |
You're welcome! I say make the changes and let the universe do the rest. It would be cool to see this made. Congratulations! -Jordan |
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Reply: 18 - 22 |
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LC |
Posted: January 22nd, 2024, 8:06pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7644 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
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kcranford |
Posted: January 22nd, 2024, 8:33pm |
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New Features: Christmas Joe
Posts372 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Libby, I just read your review earlier today and I was going to come on and ask if it would be proper to do a “review of a review”! It was absolutely perfect and fitting for such a great script. You know I love your style (and I try to learn from you) but you hit it out of the park with this one IMO. We all loved Paul’s script and voted him as Writer’s Choice which was without a doubt, well deserved. I also mentioned in my comment on the script earlier that it was the one I would most want to see produced. This review should move it a lot further toward that goal. Great script, Paul and great review, Libby. Kudos to both of you! |
| Scripts Available: Christmas Joe (Holiday Drama) Every Time It Snows (Holiday Drama) Happy Holi-DNA (Holiday Romance) Let That Pony Run (Family Drama) With Love, From Romance (Holiday Romance) Essex (Historical Drama)
Shorts: Santuario (OWC Writers' Choice) Death (OWC) Savior (OWC) |
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Reply: 20 - 22 |
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LC |
Posted: January 23rd, 2024, 4:36pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7644 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Thanks, Kathy. Muchly appreciated. |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: January 25th, 2024, 3:12pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Libby, I just read your review earlier today and I was going to come on and ask if it would be proper to do a “review of a review”! It was absolutely perfect and fitting for such a great script. You know I love your style (and I try to learn from you) but you hit it out of the park with this one IMO. We all loved Paul’s script and voted him as Writer’s Choice which was without a doubt, well deserved. I also mentioned in my comment on the script earlier that it was the one I would most want to see produced. This review should move it a lot further toward that goal. Great script, Paul and great review, Libby. Kudos to both of you!
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Thank you, Kathy! And I second your thoughts re: the review. Libby is the best!! |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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