Welcome, Guest. It is April 24th, 2014, 5:58am Please login or register.
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the rules that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone.
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. The screenplays may not be used without the expressed written permission of the author.
Hey Javier. This was clear and easy to visualise. It flowed well, even though it was backwards.
I think it needs something else though. It was a bit dull... boring. I did like the ending, but I think this needed a bit more of a hit.
Should a character say "haha" in their dialogue?
I think he should turn off the radio, and maybe a few other things to show he wont be coming back. He's gone to the effort of wearing a suit for his death, so I think it would be fitting for him to fix some stuff up before he leaves the house. For example move a knife away from the edge of the bench. Or put something away that shouldn't be there.
Anyway pretty cool script, just needing a bit more... something. Well done.
Okay, I read this script in no-time, and I enjoyed it. The reverse chronology I thought worked well, however, I have to agree with what the people above said about the ending; it felt like a bit of a let down. I think what would work better is if when Joe read Jane's letter, if in a voice-over, Jane read the letter out. This would provide more of a resolution, as we can hear what in the letter tipped Joe over the edge. At the moment Joe reads a letter and kills himself, without us really knowing why.
A few things I read which need correcting:
Page 2 - Jane's on-the-phone dialogue; "Joe, Joe?", needs to be (O.S.) as she isn't in the scene.
Page 2 - Joe's description. Okay mate, you tell us that he's "a broken man, at the end of his tether", but this isn't something that a camera can film. Show us that he's a broken man. Maybe his nice suit is scruffy; his shirt is un-tucked, his top 2 buttons are un-done and his tie is half-way down his chest. Maybe he's crying. Maybe he's knocking back a bottle of whisky. But make his description more visual mate, coz' at the moment his description is un-filmable.
Page 3 - "Sweet rolls off his forehand", I think you mean sweat mate.
Page 4 - Rita's dialogue; "Donít worry Joe, Iíll be around to feed the little rascal. Haha." Take the "haha" out, and put something like "Rita CHUCKLES" in an action line.
Page 4 - Joe's dialogue; "Have a good day Rita. Bye Rita." He say's "Rita" twice... it sounds a bit repetative. I think something along these lines would work better; "Thank you Rita, have a good day."
Page 5 - The action line; "His dog ROGANís jumps around his feet looking for attention." sounds a bit odd... I think it's because there's an unneccassary apostrophe after ROGAN.
He's gone to the effort of wearing a suit for his death.
I understood it differently; I thought that he was already wearing his suit, then the letter came which made him kill himself. He then thought to himself, "why bother changing out of my expensive suit, when I'm going to die anyway?".
But yeah Jay, congrats on this; you've got a nice little idea on your hands. I think if you corrected the things that I, and others suggested, and maybe make the ending a bit more special and spectacular, it would be very good.
Thanks Cam, Tom, Tonka & Toby for checking out this script out.
I obviously missed a few mistakes.
This was a little effort I made for MoviePoet. I completely changed the ending this time around except I left it where the ending was unsatisfying. Just couldn't figure out a satisfying one but it works as it is. I suppose I'll have to leave this for a year or so.
I guess this was a movie poet entry when I started reading it, I remember they had a "backward script" comp not too long ago.
Did someone else not write a script recently where a guy gets a letter at the start then throws himself under a train? This felt similar to that, in fact while reading it I assumed this was the same script turned backwards for a experiment.
While I think this was well written it just seemed a little pointless if that is not too harsh? The point of a story told backwards is that it is there to mess with our assumptions and make us see that all is not what it seems. This was just played too straight to be effective really.
Like I said it was a decent enough script and written well enough, you really need to figure out how to take the reader to a place we never thought we were going.
I see what you were saying about the train suicide motif that I had done with "Rid Of Guilt" tho the reverse storytelling touch here was nice & I liked your spin on it.
It reminded me of "irreversible" (If you haven't seen it, check it out) for obvious structural reasons but also the impending feeling of doom since you know the tragic ending from the start, while for the rest you go thru the motions of seeing the sequence of events that lead up to it.
I might not have painted there as a very enticing movie experience but it can be (you'll know if you've seen the film) 7 this is further proof of it here, I was engaged from the start to the last word.
However, I kinda have to agree with GM that it was a little too straight forward but considering this was an MP entry, parameters are restrictive, I think you done a good job for a five pager.
Your writing (as what I've found with anything else I've read from you) is solid & concise.
My only problem with the chronology is that Joe sees the, I'm presuming divorce proceeding papers in the morning, yet its one o clock when he walks out the door. Is he waiting for that time specifically? If so, is 1 to 2 in the afternoon rush hour? I'd be thinkin' more along the hours of 5 and 6pm
"A handful of people sit side on to a coffin"
I must be dumb but what does "side on" mean?
microphone to the CONTROL CENTER
I know its a small thing but is there a need to say control center when we find out who Joe is talking to a few lines down?
Page 5 -- Typo -- He leaves and an open letter in the center of the table.
100 Things To Do Before You Die.
He skims the book to gather a few manageable ideas. Browsing for a few seconds he realizes that he doesnít have the time. He sets down the book before heading into-.
Not sure about the book thing, nearly slipped into Bucket list territory there...& we don't want that.
Was there many entries that month??? This was a cool but tough theme to tackle.
Hey Javier, gave this a read. Obviously I don't have the problem others had of this being the latest in a series of backward shorts, so I did actually find it enjoyably different.
My main feeling about the ending is that I think we need to know what's in the letter. As sson as the letter is mentioned I wanted to know what it said, who it was from, etc. You mentioned in your previous post that it was from Jane - I'm not sure how clear that was in the script. Just changing Jane's line "Joe, have you read the letter?" to "Joe, have you read MY letter?" would fix that. At the moment we're waiting for an answer that never materialises. And that leaves the ending feeling unresolved.
My favourite backwards film has to be Memento...now THAT shows how you can put in a killer twist at the end of a backwards story. Just makes you appreciate how well-thought-out the whole thing is.
Short, Comedy, 21 pages
A high school kid enlists the help of his best friend and the class 'rock star' to help him shed his nice guy image.