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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  Opinions Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: February 8th, 2009, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Opinions by Javier Torregrosa (jayrex) - Comedy - Bob, a trader, sells a very unique product in the market place. - pdf, format


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jayrex
Posted: February 9th, 2009, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Don for posting my absurd skit.

I wrote this for a few of mates, and with nothing decent to use for the MP competition, I used this instead.

P.S.
Could a mod move this to the Short section?

Shelton Edit:  Moved


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vorodot007
Posted: February 10th, 2009, 10:42pm Report to Moderator
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Javier,
I enjoyed reading this.  I like shorts that lead up to a punch line at the end, especially the way you did it in this one.  I got a whole carnival stand like feel from it with Bob talking back to the crowd.  The only thing I could really add would be to maybe add one or two more audience members to come up on stage and build it up a little bit more.  Good read.  Keep up the good work.
Mitch.
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tonkatough
Posted: February 11th, 2009, 3:48am Report to Moderator
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So I suppose you want my opinion on your script?

Is that correct?

I'll give you an opinion

5 bucks.

Not bad, not bad at all. Selling opinions is a nifty idea. I liked the peoples reactions to Bob, Kate was a hoot and she gave her opinions for free.

The very last line of of dialouge fell flat on its face for me cause I just don't get it.

But I enjoyed your characters and how they interact with each other. that was a treat to read


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colkurtz8
Posted: February 12th, 2009, 6:58am Report to Moderator
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You check out mine, I'll check out yours.

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Javier

I liked the description of Bob at the start, a little cliched but signposted the kind of character he was gonna be, and he certainly didn't disappoint.

It was ok for what it as, the writing & prose as usual was tight, although the punchline didn't really do it for me.

But as you say it was only a skit, so for that reason its not bad.

Cheers

Col.


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Cam17
Posted: February 14th, 2009, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
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You gotta love Bob.  He's like sleaze incarnate.  The guy can sell anything, even if it's nothing.  I like the scene you created at the beginning.  Totally reminded me of Speaker's Corner in Hyde Park.  I found it very funny that Bob found a guy dumb enough to pay him five bucks for the opinion, even after he insulted the fool.

But then he gets a painful dose of reality by Kate.  The only thing is, Bob seems so skilled at his greasy trade that it seems he would have been able to turn the tables on Kate.  I loved her line of the opinion being sh1t, but I would also have loved it if Bob had been able to use his skill to confound her into giving him money.

But this was a funny read.

Cam


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jayrex
Posted: February 15th, 2009, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Mitch, Glenn, Col & Cam,

Thanks for giving this a read.  Much appreciated


Quoted from vorodot007
The only thing I could really add would be to maybe add one or two more audience members to come up on stage and build it up a little bit more.
Mitch.


This has been mentioned to me and I may add a line or two if somebody takes this up.


Quoted from tonkatough

Not bad, not bad at all. Selling opinions is a nifty idea. I liked the peoples reactions to Bob, Kate was a hoot and she gave her opinions for free.


Selling opinions.  Just another wacky idea I thought up.  I always hate it when people say you gotta have an opinion even though I have no interest in the subject matter.


Quoted from tonkatough
The very last line of of dialouge fell flat on its face for me cause I just don't get it.


I showed this to another writer who said I should finish this with dialogue when I had finished with a speechless Bob.  So I added that last bit.  I'm also in agreement that the ending fell flat but I had though public opinion would be for this altered ending.


Quoted from tonketough
But I enjoyed your characters and how they interact with each other. that was a treat to read


Thanks Glenn, nice of you to say so.


Quoted from colkurtz8
I liked the description of Bob at the start, a little cliched but signposted the kind of character he was gonna be, and he certainly didn't disappoint.

It was ok for what it as, the writing & prose as usual was tight, although the punchline didn't really do it for me.

But as you say it was only a skit, so for that reason its not bad.


I may change the ending to make myself happier.  Not sure of adding an opinion or two from the crowd but may do so eventually.


Quoted from Cam17
You gotta love Bob.  He's like sleaze incarnate.  The guy can sell anything, even if it's nothing.  I like the scene you created at the beginning.  Totally reminded me of Speaker's Corner in Hyde Park.  I found it very funny that Bob found a guy dumb enough to pay him five bucks for the opinion, even after he insulted the fool.

But then he gets a painful dose of reality by Kate.


I think there's a Bob in every town who'll try to swindle you out of your life savings.


Quoted from Cam17
The only thing is, Bob seems so skilled at his greasy trade that it seems he would have been able to turn the tables on Kate.  I loved her line of the opinion being sh1t, but I would also have loved it if Bob had been able to use his skill to confound her into giving him money.

But this was a funny read.


You have a valid point here.  I initially wrote this skit with the first character, and then lengthened it adding the second as I had nothing going for the MP competition.

I suppose this can work both ways.  Does Bob use his own opinions or the opinions that he sells?

After all I did put in the Chinese made opinions that had to be returned.

Maybe I can change the ending to have the joke land on Kate and reverse the tables?


Thanks for the read everybody, sorry with the late reply.


Javier


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Shelton
Posted: February 18th, 2009, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the concept behind this one, but thought there could a little bit more to Bob.  He came off as a decent character, but I think he could have been taken a bit further.  Portrayed as even more of a fast talker, catching the people he's talkign to kind of off guard for the most part.

I got that vibe a little bit when he was taliking to Stan, but it seemed to fade away when he talked to Kate.  Keep the snake juice persona in the limelight, and it will increase this tenfold.

The story though, is fine I think.  Pretty simple and you effedtively pulled it off, so no beef there.  Good work.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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James McClung
Posted: February 18th, 2009, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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This was fun. Bob reminds me of the ShamWow! guy who probably could sell opinions if he wanted to. Let's face it. The guy's awesome. Speaking of which, Bob could probably use a few more zingers that aren't directly related to what he's selling. He's gotta have charisma after all.

Not sure what else to say. Maybe you could collapse two customers into one and make the script a little more concise. Not sure how you'd go about that nor do I think it'd matter all that much. Honestly, I like the script as is. Just figured I'd leave you with a few things to think about.


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jayrex
Posted: February 19th, 2009, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Mike & James,


Quoted from Shelton
I liked the concept behind this one, but thought there could a little bit more to Bob.  He came off as a decent character, but I think he could have been taken a bit further.  Portrayed as even more of a fast talker, catching the people he's talkign to kind of off guard for the most part.


It appears that Bob could be more versatile than I thought.  I'll have to return to this script to see if I can beef it up.  Maybe write a few versions.


Quoted from Shelton
I got that vibe a little bit when he was taliking to Stan, but it seemed to fade away when he talked to Kate.  Keep the snake juice persona in the limelight, and it will increase this tenfold.


I wanted to reverse the tables on Bob come the second character, but will have to rewrite it and see where I can take this.  Delete the second character give it a good rethink.


Quoted from James McClung
This was fun. Bob reminds me of the ShamWow! guy who probably could sell opinions if he wanted to. Let's face it. The guy's awesome. Speaking of which, Bob could probably use a few more zingers that aren't directly related to what he's selling. He's gotta have charisma after all.


This is another positive.  I guess with a rewrite I could give Bob a dialogue makeover.


Quoted from James McClung
...Maybe you could collapse two customers into one and make the script a little more concise. Not sure how you'd go about that nor do I think it'd matter all that much. Honestly, I like the script as is. Just figured I'd leave you with a few things to think about.


Not sure about have one character but maybe a few.  I was thinking of bringing in Stan's wife.  Maybe have her  drag Stan back to Bob to hear Stan's comment from the horse's mouth?

Anyway, thanks for the read, I really appreciate everyone's insight.

Kind regards,


Javier



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bobtheballa
Posted: February 19th, 2009, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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Javier -

I really liked the concept, very quirky and funny. The lead character's ingenuity really carried the story and I was disappointed at the end to see him bested so easily. After Kate informed him that she wouldn't be paying him, I expected him to offer her some other opinions. Something like "Maybe you'll like this one instead: 'It's not him, it's you'."

I don't know, I just thought the ending was a little bit of a let down given how clever the idea is. If Bob had to be bested, I would've rather seen him out-witted than insulted.

Maybe it's just a problem with my personal preference. Still enjoyed this one!


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jayrex
Posted: February 23rd, 2009, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hi bobtheballa,

Thanks for the read, much appreciated.


Quoted from bobtheballa
I really liked the concept, very quirky and funny. The lead character's ingenuity really carried the story and I was disappointed at the end to see him bested so easily. After Kate informed him that she wouldn't be paying him, I expected him to offer her some other opinions. Something like "Maybe you'll like this one instead: 'It's not him, it's you'."


This is very much a common theme I've noticed.  The ending needs a rethink.  I'm currently working on my next script but hopefully I can have a look at this and make some changes.

Happy you found it quirky and funny & enjoyed it.

Cheers,


Javier


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