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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2016 OWC  ›  Pop Goes The Weasel - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Pop Goes The Weasel - OWC  (currently 2414 views)
Don
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Pop Goes The Weasel by Jack Frost - Short, Supernatural Horror - After being chased into an abandoned house, a woman has to play an unusual game of checkers in order to hide. - pdf, format



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Don  -  March 12th, 2016, 7:42pm
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Trojan
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 4:33am Report to Moderator
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I found this somewhat confusing, and ultimately, unsatisfying. Alice was a ghost? Shannon somehow turned into a doll? Brandy was turning people into ghosts for Alice to play with? But at the same time talked about smashing the dolls? I don't really know what to make of all this.

Nice attempt I guess, others may find it easier to grasp than I did.

You also don't signify the script is finished and there's an extra blank page at the end. Easy fixes like this should be taken care of.

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Trojan  -  January 24th, 2016, 5:07am
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LC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 5:36am Report to Moderator
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Intrigued by the logline.

A mistake right out of the gate: :'She hears a bump in the room off to his right'?

Some nice creepy imagery with some familiar horror tropes, the jesters, jack in a box etc. but overall  it just didn't gel for me.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 7:25am Report to Moderator
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A few thoughts, some will be relevant... well hopefully

Was the lead character male originally? There seems to be a 'his' when it should be 'her'. A few other typos but hey we all wrote in a rush

Don;t really think the game is central to the story here but there is one at least.

Ending confused me, somehow she gets turned into a doll and Alice was dead all along???

Anyway this didn't work for me BUT I did think there was some good imagery and a polish or three and this could work.







Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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StevenClark
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 10:14am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Decent effort, but this falls short. I think I get what you're going for, but it just seems like a tremendous amount of build up for the payoff. I didn't really get to know any of your characters, so basically I couldn't connect with any of them or their motives, and why they were doing what they were doing.

Again, decent effort.

Steve


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Stumpzian
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 11:10am Report to Moderator
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Well-put-together but kind of loses steam on the way to a somewhat seen-it-before conclusion.

I liked the use of Pop Goes the Weasel as a spooky device -- which got me thinking.

Besides being a nursery rhyme and song, Pop Goes the Weasel is also an old children's game. It would be interesting to see this incorporated in the story (instead of checkers). The song has several enigmatic verses, some with variations. Perhaps Shannon's fate could be played out based on the content of the verses.



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Angry Bear
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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This one felt rushed to me, but so was mine and people are complaining about it too. Numerous typos. Some have been mentioned prior, but you also called Brandy Brenda at one time. This is one reason it felt rushed to me. You didn't really know your characters fully.

I don't get why the house is described as abandoned when it's furnished inside. Maybe just call it run down or derelict or something.

Shannon says Brandy ran her off the road and then chased her into the house. To me, it seemed like Brandy and Alice were already in the house.

Some creepy imagery and sounds, but could use a good rewrite to make the story more clear and powerful.  


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hawkeye
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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Completely unsure what I just read there.  It does feel like this was finished quickly with no time left to proofread. The story left me a little underwhelmed and a little confused as to what was going on.  Also, is Brandy real? I can't be sure after reading this.  And if Shannon knew it was Brandy that ran her off the road and she ran into her house, why did she stay there?  Was she locked in and unable to escape?  I think you could ultimately make this story a decent read with a bit of tightening and providing a little more clarity around the characters.

My ratings (out of 5):
Concept: 3
Story: 3
Character: 3
Dialogue: 3.5
Writing: 3.5
Overall: 3.33

Good luck!
Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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irish eyes
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
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There's a few spelling mistakes

You call Brandy, 'Brenda' on page 10

Wasn't Brandy inside the house? if so how did she run Shannon off the road?

It was  little creepy and well set up, the tension was pretty high towards the end.

Overall it was nice  read

good job


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eldave1
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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Very effective and vivid descriptions - really sets the tone.

The dialogue between Shannon and Alice got tedious at times (I think she asked her what her name was twice) - could be cut in half.

The pop back and forth between the checkers, the pop goes the weasel and the chase by Brenda got a bit confusing/chaotic. Maybe one of these devices could go.

There's talent here for sure - I just think there are some fundamental execution issues.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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DanC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, this didn't work for me.

I got lost a few times.  I didn't get the premise or why all of this happened...


Sorry

5/10


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 10:17am Report to Moderator
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Pop etc

Logline - curious how you are going to pull this one off, let's see...

Ok, one of those very rushed jobs. His/her, brandy/Brenda etc but who cares, we get the picture

Story wise, it does fall short, but at the same time, does have something about it.

Brandy does seem to be a long time outside the door saying she's coming in.

But it starts with energy and conflict, being chased, then lured into the chasers home (why she can then let herself in if she has planned his) and then a bizarre challenge to play a game. I think it needs to be clearer as to why in hells name you would do this if a crow bar wielding killer is on your tail. But if you can pull this off, it has an interesting mix of tension, weirdness etc that is engaging.

Rough diamond.


My scripts  HERE

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Gum
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

My first impression is you’re recently new to screenwriting? If not, my apologies… and a stern backhand! Lol, meaning you forgot to proof this puppy before submitting. It’s all good, don’t mind me.

The good news is you’ve already found a voice and, I like it. I love the entire folklore of dark wonderlands filled with strange, surreal characters. In fact, most of what I write is strictly to incorporate a dream sequence or a new character I’ve dredged up from the depths of the rabbit hole. Story wise, you might say they’re ‘Coherently Challenged’ to be politically correct.

Enough about that and on with your story. It seemed to end on a stutter. Was Shannon changed into a Porcelain Jester because she lost the game of Checkers against the other dolls? Cool.

Other than what I think happened, you lost me kid/sir/madam but, I truly felt at home in this surreal carnival ride you created. Keep at it.
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RichardR
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 1:37pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

A strange tale.  I like the setup.  She gets chased inside and meets the ghost girl.  Great.  The playing jesters are a nice touch.  

I think this one goes on too long.  Brandy keeps threatening when she should be breaking in.  Giving her the same dialogue over and over doesn’t help.  Lose about 3 pages and you’ll have a tighter piece.  Still, an eerie story.  If you had made the jesters dressed in ordinary clothes…well, that would be hint and a good setup.

Best
Richard
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Ryan1
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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I couldn't piece together what actually happened here.  There was some sort of connection between the game of checkers and the bloody tissues?  Alice was the ghost sister of Brandy?  There was a swirl of ideas, but they didn't coalesce into a coherent story.  Some vivid imagery, but a couple more passes should clarify the concept.
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