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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2017 OWC  ›  Lost Apocrypha - OWC Moderators: Angry Bear
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  Author    Lost Apocrypha - OWC  (currently 1475 views)
Don
Posted: April 21st, 2017, 11:22pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Lost Apocrypha by My Name Here - Short, Apocalypse, Horror - The Roanoke Colony wasn't lost, it was recalled. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Cam Gray
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 5:06am Report to Moderator
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Hey Writer,

It's well written, dramatic and there's definitely a fairly major reference to the apocalypse there. I'm not going to lie, this kinda old worldly magic/theological stuff isn't really my bag, and so it wasn't really for myself.

Now, that's my opinions and taste, and by no means a slant at your work. Some people will really like this, I reckon, and I can't deny that it is well written and constructed. You've done a really good job on the visuals and it reads well.

You've built a good short here, it's just not really my taste.

Cam


23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...
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Zack
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Well this one was pretty cool. Pretty fuckin' weird, but I like weird.

Really interesting tale. Not sure I fully understood what was happening, but I definitely appreciated the wild imagery you provided. Some really cool action, I really liked when all the beasts came out of the church. Would work really well on screen.

Very well written for the most part. I never got bored and was able to read straight through, so kudos there.

I actually liked the ending a lot. Tied it all together with the myth of the Roanoke Colony. Creepy stuff.

Really like your logline, but I'm not too sure about the title.

~Zack~


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stevie
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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I like when perps use historical stuff in their scripts especially when the research is good.

This started pretty well and was cruising along. Things went full on near the end. The period dialogue and setting was done well. The ending was a bit jumbled and perhaps hurried.  Pretty good work for this OWC.

One point: not sure how Lilith could be described as being 'vivacious' when she has 'beady bloodshot eyes' at 20 years of age lol!


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Ryan1
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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An interesting take on the fate of the Roanoke colony.  Original setting, good period detail and dialogue that seemed mostly true to the period.  

I think more tension could have been milked from the group transformation scene.  It may have been more effective to reveal that secret all at once, rather than Rebecca only transforming first.  Kinda blew the big reveal there.

Could've done without the dialogue between Dark Lord and Powhattan.  Seems like the Indians would be way more terrified if they saw something like that.

Title is unusual, but strangely fitting here.  Overall, a good job.
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Michael
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hi to all, it's great to be here.

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Well written.  Just seemed to die at the end. (no pun intended) The beasts die too easy.  The end was not so great.

Good job though
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Nomad
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 9:31pm Report to Moderator
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It started so well then it took a left at Whatthefuck town.

The dialogue was great up until "It is time, Rebecca.  Reveal your true self."

After that it was expositional and lost its flair.

I'm not sure why the indigenous people always sound like, "Howgh, white man.  Me Chief Talkumstrange.  Me talk um...strange for no reason."

The Dark Lord at the end seemed like a Deus Ex Machina, literally and figuratively.  He came out of left field and just wrapped the story up in a nice bow.  Short on time?  Write yourself into a corner?  Who knows.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
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MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED

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Nomad  -  April 22nd, 2017, 10:39pm
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DanC
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 1:27am Report to Moderator
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I disagree with Jordan.  I don't think the Dark one

SPOILERS

I don't think the Dark One comes out of left field at all.  They pray to him, invoke him, discuss how to appease him.  So, only by pissing him off does he appear....

I wish you hadn't made him "devil-like" but, instead made him more Cthulu-like.  Or some other version of ancient text that's forgotten, or denied by the church.  

I wonder if Dena wrote this?  It has that flare that her last story had.  All I can say, is if Dena did write this, I could easily see this getting made into a movie.

Best one I've read so far.  

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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khamanna
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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Hi, writer

That's a very interesting short, a lot of imagination went in there. Nice imagery, I liked it.
And I liked the story.

When Dark Lord appeared it changed into comedy to me. He smacks Stryker there - I dont' know. Maybe it's the way it's written.

I'm actually thinking you might squeeze more out of the idea, single out someone in the group of badies and make him their enemy or something. Otherwise it's a story of a bad group and that makes me care less.

I'm thinking you could cut some of the talk at the beginning. Readers are not atttentive at the beginning and you conveyed a lot of info to us through his talk right away. I think you might do it later when we are eager to know what happens to Rebecca and all. Rebecca's fate got me interested, her father should revenge, I tihnk.
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Gum
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

Great concept on the theme, you nailed the atmosphere and flavour of the times. I feel this was based loosely on the ‘Before Apocalypse” concept, meaning none actually took place; quelled by the Dark Lord himself.

None the less, a well contained short for the theme at hand. Not familiar with the ‘The Roanoke Colony’, if it was a real colony or nor but, I like how you’ve dressed this flock of demonic beings in sheep’s clothing and, used the commonwealth of the church to harbour their lair. Well drawn out idea that made for a good read. Well done. All the best.
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DanC
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Gum
Hi writer,

Great concept on the theme, you nailed the atmosphere and flavour of the times. I feel this was based loosely on the ‘Before Apocalypse” concept, meaning none actually took place; quelled by the Dark Lord himself.

None the less, a well contained short for the theme at hand. Not familiar with the ‘The Roanoke Colony’, if it was a real colony or nor but, I like how you’ve dressed this flock of demonic beings in sheep’s clothing and, used the commonwealth of the church to harbour their lair. Well drawn out idea that made for a good read. Well done. All the best.


As far as I know, they were a real colony that just vanished one night.  And I think they found one word etched on a tree which was Croatia.  No one knows what happened to them or what the word means.


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Ryan1
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC


As far as I know, they were a real colony that just vanished one night.  And I think they found one word etched on a tree which was Croatia.  No one knows what happened to them or what the word means.


If my history is correct, a resupply ship arrived at Roanoke Island to find the colony abandoned.  "CROATOAN" was carved into a fence post.  That's the name of a nearby island but also the name of a local Indian tribe.  No one knows for certain what became of the colonists, but the most common theory was that they simply left for a better location or were slaughtered by the Indians.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the period detail in this and wondered where it was going... but I was hoping for something else... the move into demonology just didn't fly for me...

Well written though and a fun spin on the challenge.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Wes
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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I think this works very well.  Flows smoothly. Has a couple of nice twists.
I did think Stryker was a bit wordy at the beginning but we got through the exposition pretty quickly and efficiently.
Very nice work.
This is one of my top two


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PrussianMosby
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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Here, I simply couldn't identify with the story. I'm sorry for that - it just wasn't my topic. The huge amount of characters and their whole mystic church talk left me cold. Don't take it personal, my critique here is merely based on what stories I like. The script is well executed and its presentation is absolutely tidy. I just couldn't connect to the plot.


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves  (8p - psychological horror)

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