Kittens by Anon - Short, Thriller - When it comes to love, always have a backup plan. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This was entertaining.. fast paced.

The backup of the backup of the backup.

You pulled this off really well for just a few short pages and well executed.

Overall a great entry

Though not executed perfectly, I really liked this premise of a five-timing a-hole and the psycho girlfriend going to the wrong home (meaning not his home). It started off like a story told many times but the multiple girlfriends made it so much more. To make this more believable would easily be done by just having Jake use one cell phone and putting people on hold. I just don't think all the phones are necessary or realistic.

Good work, writer.

Started with a visual and I was thinking here we go again, but I think this more or less qualifies due to the 'all we ever see of him bit'...

The story itself was entertaining and well paced, not sure in this day and age anyone would bother with additional phones, but worked okay in this contest.

Good effort.

The 5 phones thing was unintentionally kinda funny, reminded me of a Leslie Nielsen bit.

This was hard to imagine as just an audio story or radio play, but I thought the premise was neat.

Good stuff~

Quoted Text An expensive cell phone sits on a table. It RINGS. Though we can only see his hand (that’s all we’ll ever see of him), JAKE, 34, answers, sets it to: SPEAKERPHONE.

Outside the parameters – with really no reason to be.

Same here:

Quoted Text A second phone RINGS. Jake sets it next to the first. This one’s cheap

Okay - okay. Look - the writing is great and the story is great - fantastic for a 4 pager other than you really don't need the five phones - it is too much of a WTF.  Not only didn't you need them - it required you to leak into the visuals.

All that being said.

There is a ton of talent here - this will get high marks from me. Very inventive stpry.

That was awesome! This is probably absolutely perfect and you shouldn't change anything. Still...

I can't help thinking there's a way to compound the mix-ups more. Like he calls Melissa and she's currently tailing a girl she's convinced Jake is cheating on her with (which turns out to be Cora). Then the next girl Jake says "run now or you're gonna die", only to have the girl bolt screaming out of his own bedroom cuz he forgot she was there the whole time.

To the point where he can't keep track of who is following who or doing what.

Okay, that's probably worse. Ignore all of that. Unless... no, ignore me.

I'm a bit confused.  I get that Jake is married to Lisa.  But all these other women.  I had thought a couple were daughters.  But no, Melissa calls Jake by his name.  I then thought, are all these ladies living in the same home whilst Cora hovers in the background ready to pounce.

I like the premise but I don't think the execution was wonderful.

Meets the challenge somewhat.

I can't really add much, except the obvious with all the visual placement of phones.

I agree with John's suggestion. Have him juggling calls coming in on the one phone.
That'd speed up the pace too.

Ha! There's bound to be one who's a little unbalanced when you're trying finagle that many at once.
Entertaining, if a little confusing at times.

I liked the story, a lot going on in four pages and executed well. Polygamy isn't as easy as it seems.
Well done.

Lol this is something.

This is great actually. So out of the box and memorable.

I don't like the fact he has a 5 phone. Wish there's a twist and something new at the end. It would make the script unmatchable. Right now it's sort of matchable. You may make it even greater.

But still, great stuff. My fav so far. Nice

Hi writer,

Was going to comment on the FADE IN and OUT but I see you have actually faded into a visual :/

Quoted Text Though we can only see his hand (that’s all we’ll ever see of him),

Hmm... considering we aren't meant to see anything, I already think that's too much.

I'm really not sure why you added the visuals, I think you could have done it without.

Writing's good, story is good, but I don't think this is in the spirit of the challenge, sorry.

All the best.

I liked this. The number of phones became confusing and I think you could reduce them to three max, but this was a great effort.

Whoops almost missed this entry.

Hi Writer

I really enjoyed this, great premise (although this feels more comedy than a thriller to me). Not much more to add really other than it was a nice enjoyable story.

The ending could have been tweaked, we already know he sees other women so adding a fifth doesn't actually add anything... should have made it a man.

Good effort here but like others have noted, no reason to have the visual of the hand grabbing the phones each time.  I do think this would work better if you had just one phone and he kept getting interrupted in each call.  Overall, good stuff and a fun story to read.  Best of luck with it.

Gary

Writer,

Pretty good story here, but it didn't go in the direction I was expecting. Gotta admit, it got a little confusing where you had nice tension build up that seemed like it was wasted in "circle goes round and round" ending. Good work, not quite for me.

Steve

Very enjoyable... but needs a couple of reads to really work out what's going on. This might be an issue with a such face paced short; the audience may still be trying to work out what's going on, and it's already over.

I don't get Sherry. Unless I've missed something, she seems superfluous.

Irrespective, it's a great idea, and a very entertaining read. Good luck.

Ha! This was dark. The visual of the multiple phones being placed on the table was clunky and just goofy, but I understand why you chose to do it like that. Would love to see a rewrite where you aren't being held back by a challenge. Still, you did the most with what you had. Another really good entry here.

Hi writer,

Crazy, man… 5 phones. I gotta pay for 4 in this house (me, wife, two daughters), and I'll tell you, that shit ain’t cheap, considering everyone wants all the freakin’ bells and storage whistles associated with the carrier. So I know it would be a nightmare alone just for him to keep that bill a secret from his wife.

Anyway, yeah… this guy needs a better system. I hope he has a divorce lawyer on speed dial on one of those cells, or 5 lawyers on all, cause he'll probably need every one of ‘em. Tragic yet funny, and rings all the bells for the challenge. Well done

Very good. But what if Jake needs to tag the phones so he can tell which one calls who? This way he can say things like “Number two, that’s Lisa. Why the hell is she calling me?” I think this would show that the women are less than equals, just part of the harem that exits to keep him happy.

Hmmm... I was smiling all along when I read this Clueless. It’s well written, that goes without saying. We can debate the merits of whether it’s a thriller or not, but my radar picked up comedy. So I’ll take the ball and run with it. I thought the tone was perfect. The comedy didn't try to overshadow it at all and remained secondary to the overall vibe. Nicely done imho.

My thoughts, may not jive with the writer or the peanut gallery. If not, voodoo doll me. Best of Irish luck! -A

Well, that was unexpected. I like the twists and turns it takes, going further and further down the rabbit hole, and even when you think it's done it goes one step further. I even like that in the end he just ditches the lot and carries on completely unaffected. What a swell guy.

It's quite a juggling act though. A bit more space would have helped this, it's all a bit hurried. It works without visuals, as long as you have distinct sounds for different phones and distinct voices. It would also work visually if you want to give that a go.

All in all, a great entry.

This one cracked me up.
Kinda like a condensed version of, "The Other Woman".
I agree with some of the others about using one phone, but with saying that, I would like to see more of him and watch him sweat as he goes from woman to woman.
Cindy

Thank you everyone for the great comments.

For those that care, I'll offer a quick explanation.

I decided I wanted something that could be shot, not just recorded. I thought if I could keep the visual simple enough, it would still be in the spirit of the challenge. So, I wanted one continuous shot, and only the one visual: the phones on the table. (I knew this was going to cost me with some voters, but I was cool with that, as I really just wanted to get a script out there. It had been too long since my last one.)

So, if I was going to have one visual, I wanted to make it count. And, the idea was that the phones were representative of his proclivities. When you get to 4 phones on the table, yes, it's comical. But, that's who this guy is. When he sweeps the phones off the table and drops a 5th phone, that's how easily he replaces women, including his wife.

That was the idea anyway.

I did know I was riding the line on comedy. I definitely didn't want to cross it. (At one point, I considered leaning into the comedy more, but decided against it.)

I'm glad it didn't win, as I knew I was REALLY close to breaking the challenge. I do think I was within the bounds, but, I understand how others don't.

Again, thanks for all the reads, and the comments. And the votes.