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- I am guessing this is by a veteran writer. I try to pick the ones no one has read yet to give them a bump, and it's nice to find a little gold at the bottom of the pale! - Too early for me to say after having read only 6 or 7 of these OWC's, but I am guessing this will be one of the more original ones. It's also very well written and it's nice to have one where you can just read right through. Thank you, writer! - I also liked the effort at some character development here
- this is a TV show where contestants risk it all. Good! But then it's very weird that his brother runs the show or something. I don't know how to fix that because of the whole misdirect at the end where we think his brother killed him. So Rob would have to have some kind of access to the elevator. Maybe this: Rob somehow got in and bugged the elevator. He tells rob that when a certain light goes off to hit the brakes.
There's a lot of potential to do something with this. I'm not sure what. I like the idea of elevator chicken. I guess it's best not to think too deeply about the rest. Very good work!
Have to say I liked it. Good premise, nice character development. I would add that there is no closure for the Angela/Rob issue. It was merely a backdrop for the whole contest. What was the purpose? Just tension for Mark to overcome?
There are a few technical issues.
The phone ring toneRING TONE interrupts him, and he frowns as he answers.
Sound cues are generally capitalized.
ANGELA (V.O.) (on phone) Mark, you have to rethink this. You can’t do it.
People only heard on a phone, radio, etc. are a voice over (V.O.) Angela and Rob should both be (V.O) in every instance. Same with VOICE and ANNOUNCER as well.
The speaker hissesHISSES for a second before ROB’s voice invades the elevator.
As for his not being allowed any timing devices, wouldn't the phone count?
The elevator shuddersSHUDDERS as it gathers speed.
Another sound cue like the "rattles" and "shakes" a couple of lines later.
The lights flickerFLICKER dramatically
The "flicker" is a special effect like a sound cue.
At the end of page 7, SCREE should be SCREECH, unless this is different in other parts of the English-speaking world, i.e., "oy" instead of "hey".
I think I used to play a game called Drop Zone. It was an arcade game, I wasn't throwing people out of airplanes without parachutes or anything. Not that I can remember.
As for ealier comments, you don't have to capitalise sound effects and special effects. The idea is to be consistent. A few here and there might have pepped things up a bit.
That said, this seems to be another one with on phone VO trouble. I only mention it as I keep assuming Angela's in the lift, when she's not. Same later with the announcer. I've gone all format Nazi, but if they ain't in the room you should show so with VO or OS. There, that's done.
The plot had a bit of a hole. Hmm, I'm being polite, as it was rather a huge one regarding the rules of the game. It'd be fixable though.
It's not a bad idea at all. I think it'd work better with some trimming and polishing. Like my head.
A lift dropping. Choose how far and you win...or die. Not too bad an idea, really.
Someone above mentioned the running man. Fair point.
But this is far more film able
Back story and depth. Didn't quite click. You tried, and that added depth, but it didn't quite strike home. But it was close.
Rob - let's be honest. What was he? He was the depth and it didn't work.
How about a failed father whose child doesn't believe he is a real dad. What what you do for that? What if you won and walked away saying he's better off without you, but with the money? True sacrifice. What would that do to a kid? Etc
Look, it has a theme. How far would you go. Push everything in that parallel. How far to go for honesty. How far with regret. How far to resolve a problem. Then throw it behind a falling lift.
This script could fly...really could... But not yet. But don't get me wrong. This aint bad.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Hmmmm... reallllly liked the premise. I think it's great! And overall, the script was executed well. But I think it could be better. Once tweaked, this one could be pretty great.
- A few typos - nothing unexpected for an OWC - The dialogue felt a bit stilted to me. A quick polish could smooth that out nicely. (The exposition, for instance, was too obvious.) - The ending.... HUH? The brake fails to work, and then it does? There's no real conclusion here. We don't know if Mark's been betrayed by Rob (and if he wasn't, why did the brakes fail?) And if he was... why did he survive?
So, IMO, the ending needs some reimagining. But I love the idea. A lot.
The problem which I noticed instantly was the phone conversation...
(V.O) should've been next to Angela's name, if you didn't want to do that... an INTERCUT would've been appropriate there i.e. chopping back and forth between two scenes and establishing ANGELA as more than just a voice.
Might've been a violation of the rules... so I don't blame you.
The game show idea was creative, and the bit about the contestant recovering from his coma got a chuckle out of me... which only expanded the ridiculousness of this so called "game show"
Technical issues aside, creativity and fresh thinking is what I like... thumbs up from me.
Liked the premise and the writing in general but think the ending lets this down as it is unclear what happens...
My thinking... a) Brakes fail and then start working, no reason for this and feels a cheat b) Brakes start to work slowly and he just doesn't realise, if so this needs a better explanation. c) The brakes don't work becuase Rob has unteferred with them, but only so his brother can win - again would need more explanation.
Oh man, what some people wouldn't do for money. Can you say "Fecal incontinence"... Mark can.
I was lost on what was happening initially, and truthfully, was almost out. But when the game show host fed Mark the rules... I was hooked and HAD to finish the script. I think you could lose the phone call IMO and just go for broke, meaning Mark's there for the wad o' cash and that'd be it; "show me the money" and all that jazz.
Maybe embellish on the fact you came up with an entertaining game show, albeit sick and twisted, but a cool game show none the less. Then I would add all these crazy things to make it even more deranged: Daily Double, Fireball Round... Kamikaze!
It's a clever concept, I like it. Richard Dawson would be proud.
Some of these entries are really creative, even if they are bonkers! I think they all should be applauded.
The lift-drop contest thing is great, I love this idea.
For me though a lot of the dialogue was on the nose, obvious exposition for the audience and that kinda spoiled it for me.
The build-up is good, you made me believe Rob had sabotaged the elevator so it would crash. So kudos for not doing the obvious but the ending feels flat. It ends, he won. Hurragh! But I think there could be more here.
Love the concept though!
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Sadly the log promised more fun than the execution delivered.
That said I liked the premise of the ‘Drop Zone’ show a lot. A good angle using a physicist as the contestant; I just wasn’t convinced by the last minute phone calls -- would they not have had this conversation before? Perhaps not a big issue.
An extra twist to the ending would’ve gone a long way. As written it’s dislocated from the set-up. What real difference did it make to Mark that his wife’s pregnant and his brother has been hitting on her? Mark chooses to continue despite his doubts and stops the elevator, winning a bunch of money -- what did he/we learn that informs the outcome? A great idea for the challenge, just wish I could’ve taken more from the ending.
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