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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Drop Zone - OWC
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Opening passage is poor at 4 lines, but also ratehr comical to me.  So, Mark is handsome, strong, and the man that every parent wants their daughter to bring home, huh?  Not too many daughters living at home with their parents at this age.  You also have passive language here.  Bottom line is that this description just reads so bad, I'm seriously tempted to close it down immediately...but I won't.

Using actual numbers is not the way to go, bro.

Is Angela in the elvator all of a sudden?  WTF?

Wow...is this meant to be serious?  Dialogue is not well done, sorry to say.  Mark is a physicist?  Really?  I doubt that...

That's it...sorry...the dialogue just keeps going and is so OTN and so false, I can't continue.

Oh, 1 more thing, be careful assuming all the feedback you receive is correct, as there is some absolutely incorrect comments on your thread.  Iancou is not giving you sound advice, so take with a large mound of salt.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Stumpzian
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 8:30am Report to Moderator
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A creative premise for the elevator requirement -- game show where you either die or win something. Good title, too.

For a physicist doing life-or-death calculations, I think Mark makes a glaring mistake .  He uses 750 feet when the actual distance is 749.

Angela calling at the eleventh hour didn't ring quite true. She begs him not to do this, tells him she's pregnant, hints that his brother has come on to her and may have rigged the game. I'm not sure of her motive. Maybe she thinks the brother won't want her when he finds out she's pregnant, so she panics and re-evaluates her options? Given that Mark is instantly angry at his brother, might he not wonder whose child it is?

I like the reference to the previous contestant being in a coma. It's funny and serves to emphasize the danger.

The ending needs to be developed. As it is, the script feels unfinished.



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LC
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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I think it's a pretty good idea and it's fast and there's a ticking time bomb of sorts which would play out nicely on screen.

A little bit convenient the brother runs the show - I might think about interweaving a different line of story there i.e., they could still be rivals in the love stakes - and/or competitors at this 'game' instead.

The one thing I think you left out is why that huge pot of money might be so important to him - I know everyone wants to win money, right? But with a ten million dollar prize you could have him doing it for altruistic reasons or to save somebody else's life - then you've got a real hero and real stakes on top of your character risking life and limb. As it is no-one here is doing anything for any kind of honourable pursuit and though you could argue skill, it's basically just greed and vanity.

The ending just kinda dies on its proverbial really, doesn't it. And: the 'breaks into a dance' bit is not good. I think perhaps the deadline was looming and you thought, oh well, this'll do. I think you need some kind of twist here for all that came before it.

This line at the top of page 2.
             MARK
For whom, Angela, for whom.


You use who when you are asking about someone's identity, not whom.

Finally, as Henry mentioned, I really liked the reference to the other guy in the coma, that was clever. You need more of that as opposed to the 'pregnant' scenario imh.

Solid idea overall though - everybody loves the elevator plummeting to the ground in movies and here you set it up as a game. Not bad, just needs a bit of a revamp.


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Dreamscale
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 10:27am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from LC
This line at the top of page 2.
             MARK
For whom, Angela, for whom.


You use who when you are asking about someone's identity, not whom.


Ah yes, but keep in mind that peeps rarely speak in "correct" English, meaning there are no corrections to dialogue word or grammar choices.

Everyone I know uses "lay" vs. the correct "lie" when referring to themselves, including myself, even though I correct myself in my head each time I say it or hear it.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale


Ah yes, but keep in mind that peeps rarely speak in "correct" English, meaning there are no corrections to dialogue word or grammar choices.

I absolutely agree with this. I see readers correct dialogue all the time, when often the words chosen are exactly how the writer wanted the character to speak.


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Dreamscale
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 10:43am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from Grandma Bear
I absolutely agree with this. I see readers correct dialogue all the time, when often the words chosen are exactly how the writer wanted the character to speak.


Sometimes, great minds think alike.  



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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JSimon
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Dream and Angry are correct. However, LC rightly points out it is a very strange use of whom. Is the mistake meant to reveal something about the character? I suspect not. In which case who is probably preferable.
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DaveTroop
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 10:59am Report to Moderator
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The Running Man meets Days of Our Lives

The first 4 pages of dialogue reads like a bad soap opera.  Very OTN.

Then we find out we're on an extreme game show called Drop Zone.  Okay, now we're cooking.

Okay, I'm no physicist like Mark, but shouldn't he be strapped down?  If one is free falling in an elevator at 750 feet, wouldn't they be hugging the ceiling?  Or is this an Acme elevator?

I know there has to be a good reason for Mark to enter the Drop Zone besides just money.
He seems happily married and quite intelligent.  Maybe if he had less or nothing to lose.

Overall, I liked the elevator game show much more than the melodramatics.  
If you tweak the dialogue in the first 4 pages and make it seem more realistic, this would be awesome.  

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JSimon
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 11:01am Report to Moderator
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Dave, I'm not a physicist, but I believe he would be on the floor because he's falling at the same rate as the el.
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DanC
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JSimon
Dave, I'm not a physicist, but I believe he would be on the floor because he's falling at the same rate as the el.


I don't.  I think he's be in free fall.  He is falling at the same rate, but, his air resistance would come into play.

Objects don't fall at the same rate.  They fall at the same speed (isn't it roughly 9.8 meters/second squared or something like that), but, then you have to factor in resistance and several other factors.

I'm not a physicist either, but, I did study one on TV (kidding), I did take high school and college courses.


Please read my scripts:
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I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

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JSimon
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 11:28am Report to Moderator
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Found this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=shvC2uxMemo

She does seem to float a little, though nowhere near to the ceiling.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrvsfP1PxYk
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LC
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Ah yes, but keep in mind that peeps rarely speak in "correct" English, meaning there are no corrections to dialogue word or grammar choices.

Ha! Just noticed this Dreamscale pearl of wisdom.

I agree it is ultimately the writer who decides the character's dialogue right down to its idiosyncrasies, bad grammar etc., but if the dialogue is not consistent with previous dialogue I won't hesitate to comment on it. It's not sacrosanct, the writer can take it on board or not - up to them.



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RichardR
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 9:28am Report to Moderator
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Dialogue is generally off limits for criticism except when it doesn't fit the character or is obviously unrecognized usage.  We assume the writer took the the time to make the dialogue as telling as possible.

Best
Richard
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RichardR
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 10:26am Report to Moderator
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A passable idea.  I think improvement comes from swapping roles.  The guy in the elevator is a get-rich-quick sort, and his brother is the physicist.  Elevator has to rely on his brother for the solution to the free drop.  And the ending is ineffectual.  Perhaps a tiger-or-lady ending is preferable.  A crash, black screen, fade out.

Best
Richard
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LC
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 10:41am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RichardR
Dialogue is generally off limits for criticism except when it doesn't fit the character or is obviously unrecognized usage.  Richard

That's what I'm saying - this guy's a physicist - university educated, real smart guy in general, or else after this little exercise he'll be mashed banana on the ground floor. I stand by what I said and think the wording makes the character look like a bit of an idiot.

And c'mon guys, that rule is all well and good but even some 'off limits' things need a little scrutiny considering we call ourselves writers. Unless you're writing a character out of say, 'Slingblade' or that ilk, I'd be careful about being sloppy and doing too many slip-ups. Movie scripts are not exactly like real life - there's a difference. Each to their own however, so now I'll let it go.


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