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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Drop Zone - OWC
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  Author    Drop Zone - OWC  (currently 4944 views)
JSimon
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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There is a reason the use of "whom" in dialogue here is noteworthy. When is the last time any of us have heard the word whom in everyday dialogue in the real world? It's rare. When a character in a script uses it it's normally because the writer is trying to tell us this character is a stickler for the rules of grammar, which tells us something about his nature. And when this character is using whom incorrectly that tells us something entirely different about his nature. Which is great! A self perceived stickler who gets it wrong...that's potentially a great way to reveal something about the character. As long as that's the writer's intent. I'm not sure it was here, and LC is helpful in pointing it out.
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LC
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, JS. I appreciate the backup.

The other common way someone might use 'whom' is if their character is a bit of a pompous arse. Then it'd be applicable to 'type' as well.  


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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 10:03pm Report to Moderator
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I like the idea of this just not sure if it worked for me.  The elevator drop from that distance would be hard to show on film with small budget but would be good tension.  The story with the brother running the show and possibly wanting the man's pregnant wife feels more like a TV soap.  Make sure some of the technical aspects of the "game" are correct so the real physicists and engineers don't pound you for mistakes and clean up the dialog a bit, could be alright short.  Good luck.


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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ChrisBodily
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 10:23pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad, actually.

The rules of the game should be broken up by action, because 13 lines is (generally) too long for one chunk of dialogue. The announcer isn't Quint or Patton.

RE: "SoundGate" -- It's not really necessary (actually annoying) to CAP sound effects.

http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?57780-Capitalization-and-Sound-Effects-Format-Fun

Some of the dialogue could be tweaked. "Whom" is a bit awkward, no matter how you use it. It's a word that (in general) only English teachers use. I tried asking somebody "To whom do I give this to?" and (while it may be grammatically correct - or not) it sounded so wrong and awkward.

Grading method:

Jeopardy = A
Wheel of Fortune = B
Family Feud = C
Big Brother = D
Survivor = F

This long-running game show is also the name of the grade I give your script.

What is Jeopardy?

You are correct.

Jeopardy. A. 8/10.


FADE IN:
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nawazm11
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 7:25am Report to Moderator
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There's a good idea at play here, but unfortunately, almost nothing works here. The Rob and Angela dynamic is just filler, it's meant to resonate but it doesn't, but why should it? We don't even know why he's there until the second half of the script, how can we get behind anyone? It's all mumbling jargon to us.

What you need to do is just rethink the whole emotional aspect of this, maybe after the challenge, move it out of the elevator, show us a little more of what's going on here. There needs to be a real sense of anger, desperation, jealously, infighting -- but right now, there's just nothing. The ending too is a problem, him just dancing out of the blue after nearly dying. On that note too, two feet? When does the person get the money? Is it just a new set of contestants every show? If so, you'd be hard pressed to get that number without having luck on your side, and then beating it too. I just can't get behind the logic. Needs work, but could be something.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: May 31st, 2015, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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Mark's description, position, location is overwritten. If he just stood in an elevator without the extra fluff, his description would've been more resilient.

I'm not opposed to using "as" in my writing. Nothing wrong with it. But, when you see it several times, it's usually an indicator the sentences can be arranged better.

ANGELA
He said he knew we were having problems, and that he would be there for me.

MARK
That son of a bitch.

I cracked up when I read this. Love it for probably the wrong reasons.

The dialogue drags the story with it. I'd recommend putting the stakes of the contest at the beginning - it will cut down Mark and Angela's back-and-forth.

I found the brother trying to get with his wife angle amusing... not sure if it was intended that way, but it also created a lot of tension before the final plummet.

Polarizing ending. The stakes you set before this moment vanished. I wanted to like this more. It's a good premise, I'd like to hear from the writer so I can put this in context. Maybe I'll see it differently.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 1st, 2015, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
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Drop Zone

The concept is interesting but the story felt very constructed, unbelievable and especially artificially dramatized:
The woman informs her husband she's pregnant – of course while he's starting in a dead or alive TV show. Then, she tells him that his brother contacted her, her brother-in-law; so there must be a disturbed relationship (unexplained) within this family if he presumes his brother doing something wrong. Then, finally on top, exactly that brother, Rob, is also host of the TV-show he's in. ???

original concept here



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Max
Posted: June 14th, 2015, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Opening passage is poor at 4 lines, but also ratehr comical to me.  So, Mark is handsome, strong, and the man that every parent wants their daughter to bring home, huh?  Not too many daughters living at home with their parents at this age.  You also have passive language here.  Bottom line is that this description just reads so bad, I'm seriously tempted to close it down immediately...but I won't.

Using actual numbers is not the way to go, bro.

Is Angela in the elvator all of a sudden?  WTF?

Wow...is this meant to be serious?  Dialogue is not well done, sorry to say.  Mark is a physicist?  Really?  I doubt that...

That's it...sorry...the dialogue just keeps going and is so OTN and so false, I can't continue.

Oh, 1 more thing, be careful assuming all the feedback you receive is correct, as there is some absolutely incorrect comments on your thread.  Iancou is not giving you sound advice, so take with a large mound of salt.


May I ask what's wrong with Iancou's advice?



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Dreamscale
Posted: June 14th, 2015, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max
May I ask what's wrong with Iancou's advice?


You may ask, and since you asked so politely, I'll even answer.

Sound cues and special effect cues do not need to be CAPPED.

Some sounds can be CAPPED, if they're loud and you really want to draw attention to them, but in no way shuold every singel cound cue be CAPPED..nor should anyone bring up such rubbish as critique - there's more than enough things that are definitely incorrect in this script to concentrate on.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Max
Posted: June 14th, 2015, 11:23pm Report to Moderator
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What about the V.O advice?

How do you intro a character over the phone as V.O?

Do you have to make mention in the action lines?


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 15th, 2015, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max
What about the V.O advice?

How do you intro a character over the phone as V.O?

Do you have to make mention in the action lines?


Only characters that are visible onscreen will be intro'd.

Characters that speak while not onscreen are either V.O. or O.S.

Characters speaking over a phone or the like are (V.O.), so it looks like that feedback was correct.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Max
Posted: June 15th, 2015, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale


Only characters that are visible onscreen will be intro'd.

Characters that speak while not onscreen are either V.O. or O.S.

Characters speaking over a phone or the like are (V.O.), so it looks like that feedback was correct.



So if there's a V.O over the phone... you'd just say it's a deep voice or something? Or would you just use the character name?

This is before the character appears on screen.


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 15th, 2015, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max
So if there's a V.O over the phone... you'd just say it's a deep voice or something? Or would you just use the character name?

This is before the character appears on screen.


Use wrylies sparingly and when necessary...or important.

It's up to the writer to make those decisions.  If the "voice" coems into play again or needs to be made out to be different, creepy, whatever, than sur, go ahead and use a wrylie.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Max
Posted: June 16th, 2015, 11:10am Report to Moderator
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Nah, what I mean is...


Quoted Text
FADE IN:

INT. BATHROOM OR WHATEVER

bla bla, Keith answers phone.

                        KEITH
                   Hello?


A character who hasn't been introduced yet has called Keith, he's on the other end of the line.

Would you do.... MALE VOICE (V.O)... or would you just use the characters name in dialogue, even tho they haven't been introduced?

Or would you use an action line, to say that it's a deep voice on the other end, or a male voice.


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 16th, 2015, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from Max
Nah, what I mean is...

A character who hasn't been introduced yet has called Keith, he's on the other end of the line.

Would you do.... MALE VOICE (V.O)... or would you just use the characters name in dialogue, even tho they haven't been introduced?

Or would you use an action line, to say that it's a deep voice on the other end, or a male voice.


Nope, just use the character's name and (V.O.).  As I said, if it's important that this vioce sounds different or whatever, you cold use a wrylie, but probably unnecessary.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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