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Fast read. I just don't understand what caused everything to escalate. It was kinda sudden. There are pages left over that you could have used to put in more story, so a failed opportunity here. Not quite there as a story yet. With some work it could perhaps be mediocre.
Being a fan of most horror films and books, I thought this one was okay. There was a lot of chatter between characters that didn't really move the story forward, which can be a bad thing in a short like this.Sort of like wasted space.
I did think you did great on the tension and escalating the situation. Very good! However, I was also left with a lot of questions. I think the ghost's "goal" needs a better explanation and also why things happened the way it did towards the end.
I did enjoy the rest of the stuff though and sort of saw this as a found footage piece.
Why the slaughterhouse though? That needs a better explanation than just being one for creeps sake. Especially since it has been closed for 20 years or so. Maybe I'm just jaded. Seems slaughter houses are first pics for some people, but for horror fans, it seems a little old hat. Can you find a better creepier place? And, please, not a mental hospital. Something new. Something fresh.
All in all, pretty good work. Just trim down on the filler chatter and change the third act to be more scary and clear.
There's just a lot of exposition. As a short, I think the more you leave out, the better. It's more about the mood than the story. That said, it does build well and it gets exciting, even if predictable.
Decent idea though it seems only partially thought out.
Writing was economical and to the point; though somewhat lacking in atmosphere. Personally I like a little more meat on the bones, detail can go a long way to up the tension in a piece like this.
So was Lyndsay possessed? Was it a all ruse, with Lyndsay the champion sent out to collect more victims? Was it all set-up from the start? The fight in the elevator just seemed to occur without cause or warning. Without more of a hint as to why I’m left hanging. Pity as it was shaping up ok.
There’s a decent premise for a horror in here. A slaughterhouse owner who forces people into an elevator to fight to the death… A champion fighter whom he sends out to bring back more victims... That’s grounds for horror right there. Though as it stands it misses the mark for me.
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I guess I'm in the minority, I liked this. It read fast, good dialogue (IMO), and had some tense moments. Seamus was good at getting things going, but glad he was shut up though. I'm not much of a fan for ghost stories or horror, but I liked it. Good luck.
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They were a band from the Forest of Dean who had a rather good single called Unbelievable. I'm be humming the bugger for the next hour or so.
I believe it stands for ElectroMagnetic Frequency. Ghosts probably drip with the stuff.
As Simon says, it escalated a bit too quickly at the end. And a bit too much was hidden. I understand the idea behind that, but a little more should have been shown. It would have made the end more plausible.
The idea's not bad. There's probably one too many characters. They do a lot of talking that could be trimmed. The writing is not bad either.
This one has a decent idea. A presence gets the group to fight to the death. My problems lie with the group, neither professional nor rank amateurs, and their leap to believe in the lore from the get go. I would like them to be much more professional. They have been here during the day. They each have an assignment. They all know the legend of the slaughterhouse and the fights. They are prepared to battle demons if they have to. These characters come off as wannabes and not very clever ones at that.
The second problem lies in their acceptance of the legend. As soon as they're all in the elevator, they begin to fight. REally? And I would prefer that somehow they get tricked into the elevator one at a time--if that is possible. I don't think their first reaction is to give a good show. It would be to hold hands and battle the spirit. Or work on getting out of the elevator. But that's me.
I thought the location was the best so far. Seriously, an old slaughter house is a perfect environment for all kinds of evil lurking about… just look at the United Nations location, lol.
Anyway, it had a creative vibe and flow with a curious bunch of spectral hunters, Scooby Doo-ish if you will (minus the language, lol). I was getting into this and really wanted to see some carnivorous Juggernauts come out of the walls; like in 13 Ghosts, etc. Perhaps an ominous butcher with blood stained apron and rusty cleavers… no?
I’ve scanned this a few times and I’m sorry to say, haven’t the foggiest what transpired. I think it was creative enough though.
Well, for a straight bloody horror, this was okay. Given the spirit of the guidelines, I felt that too much of the action took place outside the elevator. (Though the rules do say in and around... so technically it's fine. But I'd think you'd want at least 50% of the action to take place inside, if not more.)
That said, there was nothing special about this characters - they come across as your usual goofy "victim" types, defined by one or two arbitary traits to set them apart (for instance, "the butch", and the gay guy.)
If you revisit this one later, I'd recommend polishing up the atmospherics on the script - and working to give each character a more organic, 3d feel. That'll make the horror of the deaths far more effective, IMO. (Getting the face caved in by the camera - that WAS a nice visual.. I'll give you that!)