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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Elevated Blood Pressure - OWC
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  Author    Elevated Blood Pressure - OWC  (currently 3569 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Elevated Blood Pressure by Guy N. Smith - Short, Horror - Four ghost hunters find more than they bargained for inside the elevator of an old slaughterhouse. 9 pages - pdf, format


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DanC
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 1:37pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad.

It was a fast easy read.   The characters didn't work for me.  They didn't seem like professionals.  Nor did they act the part.  

The one that sets it off (don't want to give away spoilers) doesn't make sense.

Again, lots of questions, very few answers.

6/10


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Dustin
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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Fast read. I just don't understand what caused everything to escalate. It was kinda sudden. There are pages left over that you could have used to put in more story, so a failed opportunity here. Not quite there as a story yet. With some work it could perhaps be mediocre.

4.5 out of 10.


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Grandma Bear
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Being a fan of most horror films and books, I thought this one was okay. There was a lot of chatter between characters that didn't really move the story forward, which can be a bad thing in a short like this.Sort of like wasted space.

I did think you did great on the tension and escalating the situation. Very good! However, I was also left with a lot of questions. I think the ghost's "goal" needs a better explanation and also why things happened the way it did towards the end.

I did enjoy the rest of the stuff though and sort of saw this as a found footage piece.

Why the slaughterhouse though? That needs a better explanation than just being one for creeps sake. Especially since it has been closed for 20 years or so. Maybe I'm just jaded. Seems slaughter houses are first pics for some people, but for horror fans, it seems a little old hat. Can you find a better creepier place? And, please, not a mental hospital. Something new. Something fresh.

All in all, pretty good work. Just trim down on the filler chatter and change the third act to be more scary and clear.  


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GreenGecko
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 6:44am Report to Moderator
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There's just a lot of exposition. As a short, I think the more you leave out, the better. It's more about the mood than the story. That said, it does build well and it gets exciting, even if predictable.


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stevemiles
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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Decent idea though it seems only partially thought out.

Writing was economical and to the point; though somewhat lacking in atmosphere.  Personally I like a little more meat on the bones, detail can go a long way to up the tension in a piece like this.

So was Lyndsay possessed? Was it a all ruse, with Lyndsay the champion sent out to collect more victims?  Was it all set-up from the start?  The fight in the elevator just seemed to occur without cause or warning.  Without more of a hint as to why Iím left hanging.  Pity as it was shaping up ok.  

Thereís a decent premise for a horror in here.  A slaughterhouse owner who forces people into an elevator to fight to the deathÖ  A champion fighter whom he sends out to bring back more victims...  Thatís grounds for horror right there.  Though as it stands it misses the mark for me.


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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
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Good job on getting an entry in.

I guess I'm in the minority, I liked this.  It read fast, good dialogue (IMO), and had some tense moments.  Seamus was good at getting things going, but glad he was shut up though.  I'm not much of a fan for ghost stories or horror, but I liked it.  Good luck.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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This could almost have been an entry in the last OWC on Urban Legends... but I liked the idea behind the script, the one survivor piece has legs...

But this went from excited Ghost Busters into possessed violence without enough work on transitioning for my liking.

More work on this and it could be effective.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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eldave1
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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This is a solid story - well written.

I really liked the character descriptions. e.g.,


Quoted Text
SEAMUS (23), all mouth no brains, scans his torch over brown
stains on the walls.

LYNDSAY (25), butch in dress and manner, points a DSLR at
the stain.
L/quote]

These realy pop off the page for me. Note: I don't know what a DSLR is - maybe just not a common term in the States.
[quote]
Mina checks out an EMF meter strapped to her hip.


Not familiar with EMF either.





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Simon
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 7:15am Report to Moderator
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I was pulled in from the start, as I was curious about where the blood came from, but I think things escalated a bit too quickly at the end.


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rendevous
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 8:17am Report to Moderator
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Not my favourite type of story but I'll give it a go.

I'm all for fecking swearing, but there seems a bit barstard much in this twatter. It's a bit bloody arse distracting. Testicles! Baps!


Quoted from eldave1
Not familiar with EMF either.


They were a band from the Forest of Dean who had a rather good single called Unbelievable. I'm be humming the bugger for the next hour or so.

I believe it stands for ElectroMagnetic Frequency. Ghosts probably drip with the stuff.

As Simon says, it escalated a bit too quickly at the end. And a bit too much was hidden. I understand the idea behind that, but a little more should have been shown. It would have made the end more plausible.

The idea's not bad. There's probably one too many characters. They do a lot of talking that could be trimmed. The writing is not bad either.

R


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RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 8:37am Report to Moderator
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This one has a decent idea.  A presence gets the group to fight to the death.  My problems lie with the group, neither professional nor rank amateurs, and their leap to believe in the lore from the get go.  I would like them to be much more professional.  They have been here during the day.  They each have an assignment.  They all know the legend of the slaughterhouse and the fights.  They are prepared to battle demons if they have to.  These characters come off as wannabes and not very clever ones at that.

The second problem lies in their acceptance of the legend.  As soon as they're all in the elevator, they begin to fight.  REally?  And I would prefer that somehow they get tricked into the elevator one at a time--if that is possible.  I don't think their first reaction is to give a good show.  It would be to hold hands and battle the spirit.  Or work on getting out of the elevator.  But that's me.

Best
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Gum
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Hi writer,

I thought the location was the best so far. Seriously, an old slaughter house is a perfect environment for all kinds of evil lurking aboutÖ just look at the United Nations location, lol.

Anyway, it had a creative vibe and flow with a curious bunch of spectral hunters, Scooby Doo-ish if you will (minus the language, lol). I was getting into this and really wanted to see some carnivorous Juggernauts come out of the walls; like in 13 Ghosts, etc. Perhaps an ominous butcher with blood stained apron and rusty cleaversÖ  no?

Iíve scanned this a few times and Iím sorry to say, havenít the foggiest what transpired. I think it was creative enough though.


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wonkavite
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
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Well, for a straight bloody horror, this was okay.  Given the spirit of the guidelines, I felt that too much of the action took place outside the elevator.  (Though the rules do say in and around... so technically it's fine.  But I'd think you'd want at least 50% of the action to take place inside, if not more.)

That said, there was nothing special about this characters - they come across as your usual goofy "victim" types, defined by one or two arbitary traits to set them apart (for instance, "the butch", and the gay guy.)  

If you revisit this one later, I'd recommend polishing up the atmospherics on the script - and working to give each character a more organic, 3d feel.  That'll make the horror of the deaths far more effective, IMO.  (Getting the face caved in by the camera - that WAS a nice visual.. I'll give you that!)  
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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First page and a half are not in or next to an elevator.  Corridor 1 and corridor 2 disqualify this entry immediately.

I'm surprised Don accepted it.  I don't, however, and I'm out already.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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I'm still laughing at rendezvous post above. He comes up with some, I tell you. Baps

A few quick pointers

1) concept sound

2) characters for a short - too many for me

3) banter - wondered off and gay jokes didn't prove to be relevant

4) escalation - un warranted and unlikely

5) last man standing concept - not bad, just find the right place for it

Not bad, has potential.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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Iím not a fan of found-footage horrors so my opinion may be really biased here.

The Ghost Hunting amateurs filming themselves getting into trouble with real supernatural shit thing has been done a lot.  With all the swearing and obnoxious behaviour I wanted them all dead quickly and (nearly) got my wish even though it didnít make much sense. Some of the writing was in the past tense but it does show potential. I did like the character descriptions, camp as Christmas did make me smile.

I was going to shout ďITíS NOT SET IN AN ELEVATOR!Ē and bang my fists but it was set near an elevator for the intro and then in one so thatís OK by me, but as I said at the start, this type of stuff ainít my bag baby.

-Mark  


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Stumpzian
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This was written by somebody who knows what he's doing. Tossed off quickly, perhaps, but done with skill nonetheless. The action has drive, the dialogue is believable (Seamus made me laugh). The descriptions are spare and effective.

Yes, the first action takes place in corridors. To me, it complies well enough with the rule of "in or around" an elevator.

My take is that Lyndsay was Lyndsay at first but gets taken over by the ghost. So I bought the transition.

The finish could have gone some other way, I agree. Still, it's ten minutes of screen time, and I believe the script carries itself pretty well.



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nawazm11
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 2:47am Report to Moderator
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It's really hard to buy into the whole premise, especially in the way you presented it. The thing is, the plot isn't half bad, it's just outrageous that four people would just start hammering away at each other from something that may or may not be real, which is funny, because the rambling dialogue really doesn't help that cause either. Everything just... Happened -- which is the story's biggest problem.

It needs to be fleshed out and have actual reasoning behind the characters' actions.
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Pale Yellow
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Can tell this is going to get gory just from the logline. An elevator in a slaughter house!!! Ack!!! Run!!!

Not really digging the characters and it's a bit talky for me without going anywhere. Way too talky for me and I'm out half way through this.

Good job completing an OWC.
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paydirt
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Really bending the OWC's rules,  we don't even get in the elevator until halfway down page 6 of an 8 1/2 page script.  

Good writing style -- it effectively conveys the story's tone and it was a fast read.  But some of the dialogue, dude, was over the top.  

The premise is intriguing and I like that it doesn't try to do too much.  Unfortunately, it doesn't do enough.  The story isn't fleshed out.  If you curb the exposition and build a transition between, "we're Ghostbusters, rockin'!" and the characters brutally murdering each other in the elevator then you might have something.
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Iancou
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Cliche gore fest, but mildly entertaining as is. I agree with much of the previous commentary. Not a fan of horror for horror's sake (the original Shining, Psycho, and The Ring excepted), but with a significant paring down of the dialogue and asides, this has potential once the atmosphere and characters are fleshed out. Then there is the issue with the triggering circumstance... yep, that needs some work to make it plausible, but it is doable. Best of luck.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 3rd, 2015, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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Elevated Blood Pressure

"MINA
Whatever. Letís check out the
elevator."

Good idea to go back to scene. Too much dialogue, writer. It was getting pretty non-visual.

Uf. This could work with a better title, a lot less dialogue, more mystery, and also the ghost hunters could be 3-5 years younger. That's just my opinion of course.

Concept's there for a potential screening. I don't like the execution yet.



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c m hall
Posted: June 5th, 2015, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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This is a solid, complete story, well told.  

The characters are already preoccupied with spirits caught between life and death, they lead themselves into the trap.

Filmed, having visually distinct and stereotypical characters helps in the action scenes and makes for easy, believable chatter among the characters.

The idea of the elevator as moving cage gets every bit of juice squeezed out of it in this script, I think,  and a patient, clever filmmaker could give the audience a scary, horrifying film.  
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JSimon
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Lord knows I am no friend of Dustin's, so these notes couldn't be more honest.

notes as I go:

Good opening. Location intrigues, dialogue is believable and gives a sense of the characters. The dialogue is light years better than the last script of yours I read a couple years ago. Significant improvement in skill.

The conflict dialogue is a bit too forced on page 4. The right idea, but dial it back.

p8 as for Lindsey knocking a guy out cold: Trust me, it's not that easy to knock a guy out. I've been in and around hundreds of fights in my prior job, and I've seen about a couple dozen knock outs, but always by a guy with a boxer's punch. I've never knocked anyone out or been knocked out. It just isn't easy, and I've both thrown and received plenty of big blows. I guy I used to work with could do it. He was built like a heavyweight and had legendary punching power. It's rare. It's hard to imagine a woman that could do it unless she was a kick boxer and used a kick.

conclusion: the writing shows skill, the set up and location intrigues. The legend of the guy setting up gladiator matches here is ok, though maybe not the best use of the location.

The rest of the story just doesn't quite come together. There probably isn't room in a short for something like this to come together, but it does serve as an opportunity to explore the concept. If you have access to an old slaughterhouse, yes, it absolutely could make a great found footage. So you've created a beginning at least.

Revision History (1 edits)
JSimon  -  June 6th, 2015, 7:24am
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Dustin
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 7:40am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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We do have access to a slaughterhouse which is why I chose the location... but I honestly didn't try with this story and although it could be worked into something it would probably never be above mediocre.

Perhaps a feature with more characters would have something. They usually sell quite well.

I think shorts need to carry something more.



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Dustin  -  June 6th, 2015, 7:51am
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JSimon
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 8:59am Report to Moderator
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A short needs more, absolutely, but as a trial balloon for the location and concept, it works well enough. Found footage and an old slaughterhouse is a good concept. What to do from there, I don't know. The gladiator stuff I was not sold on, but I also don't rule it out. I would need to see it when it's more developed.

I would also suggest that there be either at least one character or one relationship that we care about. Not because it's a rule, but because caring what happens is what drags us through the story. I'm not even saying we have to like the character, just that we have to care what happens. Or it could be a relationship we care about. Maybe there is a father son thing going on and the two are estranged but the father has been brought in for some special skill. If we care about them repairing their bond it gives more reason to watch,

A compelling mystery goes along way too if it can be developed. People stick around to see a mystery unfold if it's compelling enough.
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DanC
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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Dustin
    So you wrote this one, and you gave yourself 4.5/10.  I gave it a 6/10.  You gave me a 1.  BOOOOOO.  KIDDING.

Honestly, and folks I know this is hard, but, we should ALL try to act like professionals.  If you have something nasty to say, do it via PM.

I like how Simon said that he doesn't like Dustin, but,then drops it and carries on with a fair critique of the story.  It's fair, honest, and not hate driven.

Onto the story, Dustin, I thought it was actually pretty good.  It was fun and fast to read.  I didn't like the kids.  The dialog was good, but, they didn't have one ounce of professionalism in their dialog.

Unless you were going for a bunch of fakes who come across a real life possession story, and if that's the case, I wish you'd do that.  It might make it a much more compelling read, especially if they brought props to "make" it look like it was a ghost haunting, then have a real ghost show up.  that'd be awesome.

Also, if they know the rules of the elevator, why go in it?  Like I said, common sense is something none of the characters seem to have.  And why go at night?  

I do think you could have a good scary story.  I don't know what access to props and blood and guts you have, but, this could be this generation's Evil Dead.

If you need any eyes or help, I'd help out.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
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I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Dustin
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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I appreciate the comments but I didn't give this one much effort and I'd rather stick with concepts I believe say a little more than a mildly entertaining slasher. This was meant to be cliche, it was meant to be easy which is why I didn't bother solving the obvious plot weaknesses.

Not one for me. I'll pass.

But thanks.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Whether it's based on this location or not, I think the last man standing concept - if it could be contained in a cost efficient manner - has all the potential of a cracking short. I wouldn't throw it away just quite yet.


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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When the mythology kicked in, I was invested in the story. Everything before that seemed it was setting the table for camp. I thought the ghost hunter angle was cool. The character descriptions were great - I like the simple, accessible approach. Some of the passages are slightly overwritten. Easy fix.

Oh hai, Dustin.

I see you weren't a big fan of this. The concept is strong, ghost hunters. I'd imagine the majority of an audience would think these folks are a bunch of weirdos from the start. I'd recommend adding an element where the ghost hunters are fakes, only to get more than what they bargained for in the end.
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Dustin
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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I thought that I already did make them out to be first time ghost hunters. There are a couple of lines of exposition that explain it. Darius walks away at the prospect that things may be getting real. Before that they'd just messed about going to spooky places is the implication.

I think this is feature territory, a quick 80 page running around slashing everyone up kinda thing. Not really short territory. It's all been done before. I could write that shit all day, but it's not what I'm really feeling I should pursue.

Thanks for the words of encouragement though mate. Hope I was kind to yours.



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Dustin  -  June 6th, 2015, 6:51pm
tired.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
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Quoted from Dustin
I could write that shit all day, but it's not what I'm really feeling I should pursue.


I hear that. Occasionally I get sucked into a mindset of putting my own convictions aside just to get that deal. I choose not to settle for it, even if my creative pursuit is unattractive to folks who matter.


Quoted from Dustin
Hope I was kind to yours.


You were very kind to ours.
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