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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Elevated Blood Pressure - OWC
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  Author    Elevated Blood Pressure - OWC  (currently 3570 views)
Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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I'm still laughing at rendezvous post above. He comes up with some, I tell you. Baps

A few quick pointers

1) concept sound

2) characters for a short - too many for me

3) banter - wondered off and gay jokes didn't prove to be relevant

4) escalation - un warranted and unlikely

5) last man standing concept - not bad, just find the right place for it

Not bad, has potential.


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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Iím not a fan of found-footage horrors so my opinion may be really biased here.

The Ghost Hunting amateurs filming themselves getting into trouble with real supernatural shit thing has been done a lot.  With all the swearing and obnoxious behaviour I wanted them all dead quickly and (nearly) got my wish even though it didnít make much sense. Some of the writing was in the past tense but it does show potential. I did like the character descriptions, camp as Christmas did make me smile.

I was going to shout ďITíS NOT SET IN AN ELEVATOR!Ē and bang my fists but it was set near an elevator for the intro and then in one so thatís OK by me, but as I said at the start, this type of stuff ainít my bag baby.

-Mark  


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Stumpzian
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
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This was written by somebody who knows what he's doing. Tossed off quickly, perhaps, but done with skill nonetheless. The action has drive, the dialogue is believable (Seamus made me laugh). The descriptions are spare and effective.

Yes, the first action takes place in corridors. To me, it complies well enough with the rule of "in or around" an elevator.

My take is that Lyndsay was Lyndsay at first but gets taken over by the ghost. So I bought the transition.

The finish could have gone some other way, I agree. Still, it's ten minutes of screen time, and I believe the script carries itself pretty well.



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nawazm11
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 2:47am Report to Moderator
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It's really hard to buy into the whole premise, especially in the way you presented it. The thing is, the plot isn't half bad, it's just outrageous that four people would just start hammering away at each other from something that may or may not be real, which is funny, because the rambling dialogue really doesn't help that cause either. Everything just... Happened -- which is the story's biggest problem.

It needs to be fleshed out and have actual reasoning behind the characters' actions.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: June 1st, 2015, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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Can tell this is going to get gory just from the logline. An elevator in a slaughter house!!! Ack!!! Run!!!

Not really digging the characters and it's a bit talky for me without going anywhere. Way too talky for me and I'm out half way through this.

Good job completing an OWC.
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paydirt
Posted: June 2nd, 2015, 4:38am Report to Moderator
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Really bending the OWC's rules,  we don't even get in the elevator until halfway down page 6 of an 8 1/2 page script.  

Good writing style -- it effectively conveys the story's tone and it was a fast read.  But some of the dialogue, dude, was over the top.  

The premise is intriguing and I like that it doesn't try to do too much.  Unfortunately, it doesn't do enough.  The story isn't fleshed out.  If you curb the exposition and build a transition between, "we're Ghostbusters, rockin'!" and the characters brutally murdering each other in the elevator then you might have something.
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Iancou
Posted: June 2nd, 2015, 4:07pm Report to Moderator
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Cliche gore fest, but mildly entertaining as is. I agree with much of the previous commentary. Not a fan of horror for horror's sake (the original Shining, Psycho, and The Ring excepted), but with a significant paring down of the dialogue and asides, this has potential once the atmosphere and characters are fleshed out. Then there is the issue with the triggering circumstance... yep, that needs some work to make it plausible, but it is doable. Best of luck.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 3rd, 2015, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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Elevated Blood Pressure

"MINA
Whatever. Letís check out the
elevator."

Good idea to go back to scene. Too much dialogue, writer. It was getting pretty non-visual.

Uf. This could work with a better title, a lot less dialogue, more mystery, and also the ghost hunters could be 3-5 years younger. That's just my opinion of course.

Concept's there for a potential screening. I don't like the execution yet.



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c m hall
Posted: June 5th, 2015, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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This is a solid, complete story, well told.  

The characters are already preoccupied with spirits caught between life and death, they lead themselves into the trap.

Filmed, having visually distinct and stereotypical characters helps in the action scenes and makes for easy, believable chatter among the characters.

The idea of the elevator as moving cage gets every bit of juice squeezed out of it in this script, I think,  and a patient, clever filmmaker could give the audience a scary, horrifying film.  
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JSimon
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 7:07am Report to Moderator
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Lord knows I am no friend of Dustin's, so these notes couldn't be more honest.

notes as I go:

Good opening. Location intrigues, dialogue is believable and gives a sense of the characters. The dialogue is light years better than the last script of yours I read a couple years ago. Significant improvement in skill.

The conflict dialogue is a bit too forced on page 4. The right idea, but dial it back.

p8 as for Lindsey knocking a guy out cold: Trust me, it's not that easy to knock a guy out. I've been in and around hundreds of fights in my prior job, and I've seen about a couple dozen knock outs, but always by a guy with a boxer's punch. I've never knocked anyone out or been knocked out. It just isn't easy, and I've both thrown and received plenty of big blows. I guy I used to work with could do it. He was built like a heavyweight and had legendary punching power. It's rare. It's hard to imagine a woman that could do it unless she was a kick boxer and used a kick.

conclusion: the writing shows skill, the set up and location intrigues. The legend of the guy setting up gladiator matches here is ok, though maybe not the best use of the location.

The rest of the story just doesn't quite come together. There probably isn't room in a short for something like this to come together, but it does serve as an opportunity to explore the concept. If you have access to an old slaughterhouse, yes, it absolutely could make a great found footage. So you've created a beginning at least.

Revision History (1 edits)
JSimon  -  June 6th, 2015, 7:24am
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Dustin
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 7:40am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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We do have access to a slaughterhouse which is why I chose the location... but I honestly didn't try with this story and although it could be worked into something it would probably never be above mediocre.

Perhaps a feature with more characters would have something. They usually sell quite well.

I think shorts need to carry something more.



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Dustin  -  June 6th, 2015, 7:51am
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JSimon
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 8:59am Report to Moderator
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A short needs more, absolutely, but as a trial balloon for the location and concept, it works well enough. Found footage and an old slaughterhouse is a good concept. What to do from there, I don't know. The gladiator stuff I was not sold on, but I also don't rule it out. I would need to see it when it's more developed.

I would also suggest that there be either at least one character or one relationship that we care about. Not because it's a rule, but because caring what happens is what drags us through the story. I'm not even saying we have to like the character, just that we have to care what happens. Or it could be a relationship we care about. Maybe there is a father son thing going on and the two are estranged but the father has been brought in for some special skill. If we care about them repairing their bond it gives more reason to watch,

A compelling mystery goes along way too if it can be developed. People stick around to see a mystery unfold if it's compelling enough.
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DanC
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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Dustin
    So you wrote this one, and you gave yourself 4.5/10.  I gave it a 6/10.  You gave me a 1.  BOOOOOO.  KIDDING.

Honestly, and folks I know this is hard, but, we should ALL try to act like professionals.  If you have something nasty to say, do it via PM.

I like how Simon said that he doesn't like Dustin, but,then drops it and carries on with a fair critique of the story.  It's fair, honest, and not hate driven.

Onto the story, Dustin, I thought it was actually pretty good.  It was fun and fast to read.  I didn't like the kids.  The dialog was good, but, they didn't have one ounce of professionalism in their dialog.

Unless you were going for a bunch of fakes who come across a real life possession story, and if that's the case, I wish you'd do that.  It might make it a much more compelling read, especially if they brought props to "make" it look like it was a ghost haunting, then have a real ghost show up.  that'd be awesome.

Also, if they know the rules of the elevator, why go in it?  Like I said, common sense is something none of the characters seem to have.  And why go at night?  

I do think you could have a good scary story.  I don't know what access to props and blood and guts you have, but, this could be this generation's Evil Dead.

If you need any eyes or help, I'd help out.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Dustin
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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I appreciate the comments but I didn't give this one much effort and I'd rather stick with concepts I believe say a little more than a mildly entertaining slasher. This was meant to be cliche, it was meant to be easy which is why I didn't bother solving the obvious plot weaknesses.

Not one for me. I'll pass.

But thanks.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Whether it's based on this location or not, I think the last man standing concept - if it could be contained in a cost efficient manner - has all the potential of a cracking short. I wouldn't throw it away just quite yet.


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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