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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Case of Death - OWC
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  Author    Case of Death - OWC  (currently 3062 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Case of Death by Quintana Tarantula - Short, Thriller - A ruthless assassin must improvise when a small wrench is thrown into her plan.  7 pages - pdf, format


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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on your entry.  These are my opinions.  I'm a writer and don't play one on TV.

Like the title page.  Others won't but I do.

Page 1 you have INT. for the elevator when, in fact it started outside the elevator which should be scene heading changes.  Yes, you're inside a building but when you switch from outside to inside the elevator, it should be noted.  

You have CHINESE SCIENTIST but name the next one SPANISH woman.  Why not just say SPANISH WOMAN?  Then you name CAM LI.  I know that is the "target" but maybe fix that.

The reference to Pulp Fiction would have been funnier if you would have gotten the name right.  It's MARVIN not MARTIN.

Overall, not bad but needs some work.  People look for a twist at the end won't get one here. Maybe have the killer succumb to the gas and the others live.


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JSimon
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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what I liked:

- good scenario with people crowding into an elevator after an alarm! Natural tension. Itís so easy to do...and none of us bother to do it!
- excellent writing
- good dialogue for an OWC, needs some tweaking
- shows talent and potential

suggestions to improve:

- Iíve seen this character somewhere before.
- set up for tension is great, but then not milked, possibly due to the size constraints of an OWC. The situation could work though if it was drawn out enough so that we got to know some of the characters. Itís a good beginning that needs to be expanded maybe to 15 to 25 pages
I suggest a double hinge(and a double shot of Jaegermeister). What I mean by a double hinge is this: the assassin has a job to do and the arrival of the mother and the girl at the last moment throws a crimp in it. Or actually it doesnít really until the little girl is friendly to the killer, which causes her to stop the elevator. Thatís the first hinge. This hinge should lead to another turn. For example: letís say she had a gas mask and her plan was to put it on when she unleashes the poison. Easy plan. But then she has to pull the weapon early to make the mother get off the elevator. This exposes her to the other scientists. When she turns around, one of them has discovered her gas mask and has it. This screws her up. She stops the elevator and demands the mask back. The guy refuses and warns her that if she shoots him his last act will be to rip the mask apart. So she changes her plan. She does something unexpected. Maybe she tells the guy to put the mask on himself. Shocked, he does as told. She pops the ceiling on the el and climbs out, dropping the poison gas behind her. Before she closes the ceiling, she shoots the man with the mask. She closes it, waits a minute, then reenters. Now she puts the gun in the hand of one of the dead people. Problem solved. Everyone dead and accounted for.

potential for expansion to feature or series:

potential for feature, or part of a feature, if the scene is fleshed out and developed

filming potential:

affordable except for the shoes, which I assume are expensive!

investment in story and characters:

potential is there. We see a human side of the killer
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Dustin
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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I have no desire to read a second serving of the same thing.


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Max
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:44pm Report to Moderator
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What script was that Dustin?


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Dustin
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Great White

They're both the same character doing assassinations in a lift. One serving was OK, two is too much for me.


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DanC
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with Dustin.  I didn't like the second helping either.

I know there was a team up, so, they must have worked on 2 stories with the same character, Great White.

They shared the same pen name too...

5/10  Perhaps if I read this one first, I'd dislike the second one more, but, it didn't happen that way...


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GreenGecko
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
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Some weird things like she has the time to put a needle in her and make a remark about it as the doors are closing. Also, does she really need to do her diabetes shot right then? I mean, that kind of thing can wait. Were the stairs blocked or was the door locked?

There reactions are a little weird. They seem to think it's just a routine alarm, but some people are acting really scared. No one gets scared over an alarm, so their reactions seem weird.

Overall, it's a little campy and silly without any feeling to it.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
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Guess who...

Hey, this is rushed, but I think there is something to this.

I haven't read the other script but my reckoning this writer will have three scripts posted, maybe more.

She..if I'm right...has a talent for the emotive killer. My phrase.

Great white - brilliant name..if placed well.

Balance to script - almost there just needs some finish.

Don't know what the other script  is about but I think you have a character her I would read more about.

All the best


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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Starts with a lot on unnecessary CAPPING of opening action, feels like I'm being shouted at...

Four inch Jimmy Choos are impossible, four inch heel Jimmy Choos perhaps?

Think we've seen this character before, she really is a rubbish assassin, lets people live, gets in lifts never knwoing who else is going to get in or out...

Sorry this didn;t fly for me.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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eldave1
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
A HAND PULLS DOWN THE ALARM LATCH ON A RED FIRE ALARM STATION
ANCHORED INTO A WALL.
A deafening alarm blares.
BLACK OUT.
OVER A BLACK SCREEN, THE SOUND OF DOORS OPENING AND CLOSING.
COMMOTION. AND PANIC.
THE SOUND OF STILETTOS CLICK CLACK ACROSS THE FLOOR.
FADE IN:
FOUR INCH JIMMY CHOOS STRIDE IN FRONT OF A SIGN:
INTERNATIONAL BIO-CHEMICAL EXPO. THEY STOP IN FRONT OF A


Okay - I'm lost - what is with all the CAPS? I get it for the sounds - but for everything? Sorry, it was just a distraction right out of the gate.

I'm assuming that the shot she gave herself was some inoculation against the poison that killed the other passengers.  That was not exactly clear - had to read twice to get there.

The story was okay. Felt you nailed Great White - could see her.





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Dreamscale
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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Oh boy...WTF is up with this trying so hard to impress style?  Reality check...it's doing the opposite.  You're killing yourself out of the gate, and it's really too bad, as you have talent, but the way you're writing is almost always going to turn your readers off.

Why is everything CAPPED right away? Why don't you set your ne with a full Slug? You incorrectly...or awkwardly lead into a Mini Slug, but your opening Slug can't be a  Mini...doesn't work that way.

I'm out before Page 1 is done and it's sad, because you're causing this with your so over the top style and voice..  

My 11 cents...write simple, clear, visual passages.   Stop trying to impress...it's not working.  You have talent...please don't throw it away like this.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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The second helping doesnít work for me either, although wow Ė youíve written two entries for the OWC featuring the same character! That is impressive.

I knew what was going on straight away because I read Great White first, so any potential for misdirection or subterfuge is completely lost. I also guessed what was going to happen after Great White injected herself.

A nice touch with the kid but this is Kill Bill  in an Elevator so it is not surprising. Like Great White this works as a nice homage to Tarrentino but unfortunately doesnít  stand out on its own merits.

-Mark


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RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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You lost me at the outset.  In my neck of the woods, elevators shut down when the fire alarm is pulled.  They won't work.  People won't go to them.  Without some explanation for having the elevator working, I'm out of the story already.  

Again, the protag has it way too easy.  And  she has a heat of gold.  Sorry, without complications and setbacks, a story isn't a story, even a clever story.  

best
Richard
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 11:46am Report to Moderator
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Another Great White, looks like we have some collusion on our hands  

This solidifies for me that the QT references are unnecessary. That dude that got his brains blown out was Marvin. So far between the shorts, I can only pinpoint 2 films: Kill Bill & PF. If you're gonna own this Tarantino thing, I feel you should hit on some of his other films too.

I admit, the capped passages at start confused me. I've seen it used before, but I don't really understand its purpose myself. Maybe I can get a heads up on this?

Writing wasn't bad, just needs to be tightened up for better readability. The story was okay, nothing wrong with the plot, but I didn't get a sense of Great White here. Just fashion stuff - which I laughed at the end - I felt this was a good opportunity for two shorts to sync her character.
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