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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Elevated Blood Pressure - OWC
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  Author    Elevated Blood Pressure - OWC  (currently 3595 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Elevated Blood Pressure by Guy N. Smith - Short, Horror - Four ghost hunters find more than they bargained for inside the elevator of an old slaughterhouse. 9 pages - pdf, format


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DanC
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 1:37pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad.

It was a fast easy read.   The characters didn't work for me.  They didn't seem like professionals.  Nor did they act the part.  

The one that sets it off (don't want to give away spoilers) doesn't make sense.

Again, lots of questions, very few answers.

6/10


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Dustin
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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Fast read. I just don't understand what caused everything to escalate. It was kinda sudden. There are pages left over that you could have used to put in more story, so a failed opportunity here. Not quite there as a story yet. With some work it could perhaps be mediocre.

4.5 out of 10.


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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
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Being a fan of most horror films and books, I thought this one was okay. There was a lot of chatter between characters that didn't really move the story forward, which can be a bad thing in a short like this.Sort of like wasted space.

I did think you did great on the tension and escalating the situation. Very good! However, I was also left with a lot of questions. I think the ghost's "goal" needs a better explanation and also why things happened the way it did towards the end.

I did enjoy the rest of the stuff though and sort of saw this as a found footage piece.

Why the slaughterhouse though? That needs a better explanation than just being one for creeps sake. Especially since it has been closed for 20 years or so. Maybe I'm just jaded. Seems slaughter houses are first pics for some people, but for horror fans, it seems a little old hat. Can you find a better creepier place? And, please, not a mental hospital. Something new. Something fresh.

All in all, pretty good work. Just trim down on the filler chatter and change the third act to be more scary and clear.  


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GreenGecko
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 6:44am Report to Moderator
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There's just a lot of exposition. As a short, I think the more you leave out, the better. It's more about the mood than the story. That said, it does build well and it gets exciting, even if predictable.


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stevemiles
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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Decent idea though it seems only partially thought out.

Writing was economical and to the point; though somewhat lacking in atmosphere.  Personally I like a little more meat on the bones, detail can go a long way to up the tension in a piece like this.

So was Lyndsay possessed? Was it a all ruse, with Lyndsay the champion sent out to collect more victims?  Was it all set-up from the start?  The fight in the elevator just seemed to occur without cause or warning.  Without more of a hint as to why Iím left hanging.  Pity as it was shaping up ok.  

Thereís a decent premise for a horror in here.  A slaughterhouse owner who forces people into an elevator to fight to the deathÖ  A champion fighter whom he sends out to bring back more victims...  Thatís grounds for horror right there.  Though as it stands it misses the mark for me.


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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
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Good job on getting an entry in.

I guess I'm in the minority, I liked this.  It read fast, good dialogue (IMO), and had some tense moments.  Seamus was good at getting things going, but glad he was shut up though.  I'm not much of a fan for ghost stories or horror, but I liked it.  Good luck.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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This could almost have been an entry in the last OWC on Urban Legends... but I liked the idea behind the script, the one survivor piece has legs...

But this went from excited Ghost Busters into possessed violence without enough work on transitioning for my liking.

More work on this and it could be effective.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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eldave1
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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This is a solid story - well written.

I really liked the character descriptions. e.g.,


Quoted Text
SEAMUS (23), all mouth no brains, scans his torch over brown
stains on the walls.

LYNDSAY (25), butch in dress and manner, points a DSLR at
the stain.
L/quote]

These realy pop off the page for me. Note: I don't know what a DSLR is - maybe just not a common term in the States.
[quote]
Mina checks out an EMF meter strapped to her hip.


Not familiar with EMF either.





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Simon
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 7:15am Report to Moderator
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I was pulled in from the start, as I was curious about where the blood came from, but I think things escalated a bit too quickly at the end.


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rendevous
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 8:17am Report to Moderator
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Not my favourite type of story but I'll give it a go.

I'm all for fecking swearing, but there seems a bit barstard much in this twatter. It's a bit bloody arse distracting. Testicles! Baps!


Quoted from eldave1
Not familiar with EMF either.


They were a band from the Forest of Dean who had a rather good single called Unbelievable. I'm be humming the bugger for the next hour or so.

I believe it stands for ElectroMagnetic Frequency. Ghosts probably drip with the stuff.

As Simon says, it escalated a bit too quickly at the end. And a bit too much was hidden. I understand the idea behind that, but a little more should have been shown. It would have made the end more plausible.

The idea's not bad. There's probably one too many characters. They do a lot of talking that could be trimmed. The writing is not bad either.

R


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RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 8:37am Report to Moderator
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This one has a decent idea.  A presence gets the group to fight to the death.  My problems lie with the group, neither professional nor rank amateurs, and their leap to believe in the lore from the get go.  I would like them to be much more professional.  They have been here during the day.  They each have an assignment.  They all know the legend of the slaughterhouse and the fights.  They are prepared to battle demons if they have to.  These characters come off as wannabes and not very clever ones at that.

The second problem lies in their acceptance of the legend.  As soon as they're all in the elevator, they begin to fight.  REally?  And I would prefer that somehow they get tricked into the elevator one at a time--if that is possible.  I don't think their first reaction is to give a good show.  It would be to hold hands and battle the spirit.  Or work on getting out of the elevator.  But that's me.

Best
Richard
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Gum
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

I thought the location was the best so far. Seriously, an old slaughter house is a perfect environment for all kinds of evil lurking aboutÖ just look at the United Nations location, lol.

Anyway, it had a creative vibe and flow with a curious bunch of spectral hunters, Scooby Doo-ish if you will (minus the language, lol). I was getting into this and really wanted to see some carnivorous Juggernauts come out of the walls; like in 13 Ghosts, etc. Perhaps an ominous butcher with blood stained apron and rusty cleaversÖ  no?

Iíve scanned this a few times and Iím sorry to say, havenít the foggiest what transpired. I think it was creative enough though.


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wonkavite
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
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Well, for a straight bloody horror, this was okay.  Given the spirit of the guidelines, I felt that too much of the action took place outside the elevator.  (Though the rules do say in and around... so technically it's fine.  But I'd think you'd want at least 50% of the action to take place inside, if not more.)

That said, there was nothing special about this characters - they come across as your usual goofy "victim" types, defined by one or two arbitary traits to set them apart (for instance, "the butch", and the gay guy.)  

If you revisit this one later, I'd recommend polishing up the atmospherics on the script - and working to give each character a more organic, 3d feel.  That'll make the horror of the deaths far more effective, IMO.  (Getting the face caved in by the camera - that WAS a nice visual.. I'll give you that!)  
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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First page and a half are not in or next to an elevator.  Corridor 1 and corridor 2 disqualify this entry immediately.

I'm surprised Don accepted it.  I don't, however, and I'm out already.


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