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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Case of Death - OWC
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Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Case of Death by Quintana Tarantula - Short, Thriller - A ruthless assassin must improvise when a small wrench is thrown into her plan.  7 pages - pdf, format


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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on your entry.  These are my opinions.  I'm a writer and don't play one on TV.

Like the title page.  Others won't but I do.

Page 1 you have INT. for the elevator when, in fact it started outside the elevator which should be scene heading changes.  Yes, you're inside a building but when you switch from outside to inside the elevator, it should be noted.  

You have CHINESE SCIENTIST but name the next one SPANISH woman.  Why not just say SPANISH WOMAN?  Then you name CAM LI.  I know that is the "target" but maybe fix that.

The reference to Pulp Fiction would have been funnier if you would have gotten the name right.  It's MARVIN not MARTIN.

Overall, not bad but needs some work.  People look for a twist at the end won't get one here. Maybe have the killer succumb to the gas and the others live.


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JSimon
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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what I liked:

- good scenario with people crowding into an elevator after an alarm! Natural tension. It’s so easy to do...and none of us bother to do it!
- excellent writing
- good dialogue for an OWC, needs some tweaking
- shows talent and potential

suggestions to improve:

- I’ve seen this character somewhere before.
- set up for tension is great, but then not milked, possibly due to the size constraints of an OWC. The situation could work though if it was drawn out enough so that we got to know some of the characters. It’s a good beginning that needs to be expanded maybe to 15 to 25 pages
I suggest a double hinge(and a double shot of Jaegermeister). What I mean by a double hinge is this: the assassin has a job to do and the arrival of the mother and the girl at the last moment throws a crimp in it. Or actually it doesn’t really until the little girl is friendly to the killer, which causes her to stop the elevator. That’s the first hinge. This hinge should lead to another turn. For example: let’s say she had a gas mask and her plan was to put it on when she unleashes the poison. Easy plan. But then she has to pull the weapon early to make the mother get off the elevator. This exposes her to the other scientists. When she turns around, one of them has discovered her gas mask and has it. This screws her up. She stops the elevator and demands the mask back. The guy refuses and warns her that if she shoots him his last act will be to rip the mask apart. So she changes her plan. She does something unexpected. Maybe she tells the guy to put the mask on himself. Shocked, he does as told. She pops the ceiling on the el and climbs out, dropping the poison gas behind her. Before she closes the ceiling, she shoots the man with the mask. She closes it, waits a minute, then reenters. Now she puts the gun in the hand of one of the dead people. Problem solved. Everyone dead and accounted for.

potential for expansion to feature or series:

potential for feature, or part of a feature, if the scene is fleshed out and developed

filming potential:

affordable except for the shoes, which I assume are expensive!

investment in story and characters:

potential is there. We see a human side of the killer
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Dustin
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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I have no desire to read a second serving of the same thing.


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Max
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:44pm Report to Moderator
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What script was that Dustin?


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Dustin
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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Great White

They're both the same character doing assassinations in a lift. One serving was OK, two is too much for me.


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DanC
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with Dustin.  I didn't like the second helping either.

I know there was a team up, so, they must have worked on 2 stories with the same character, Great White.

They shared the same pen name too...

5/10  Perhaps if I read this one first, I'd dislike the second one more, but, it didn't happen that way...


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GreenGecko
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
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Some weird things like she has the time to put a needle in her and make a remark about it as the doors are closing. Also, does she really need to do her diabetes shot right then? I mean, that kind of thing can wait. Were the stairs blocked or was the door locked?

There reactions are a little weird. They seem to think it's just a routine alarm, but some people are acting really scared. No one gets scared over an alarm, so their reactions seem weird.

Overall, it's a little campy and silly without any feeling to it.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
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Guess who...

Hey, this is rushed, but I think there is something to this.

I haven't read the other script but my reckoning this writer will have three scripts posted, maybe more.

She..if I'm right...has a talent for the emotive killer. My phrase.

Great white - brilliant name..if placed well.

Balance to script - almost there just needs some finish.

Don't know what the other script  is about but I think you have a character her I would read more about.

All the best


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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Starts with a lot on unnecessary CAPPING of opening action, feels like I'm being shouted at...

Four inch Jimmy Choos are impossible, four inch heel Jimmy Choos perhaps?

Think we've seen this character before, she really is a rubbish assassin, lets people live, gets in lifts never knwoing who else is going to get in or out...

Sorry this didn;t fly for me.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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eldave1
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
A HAND PULLS DOWN THE ALARM LATCH ON A RED FIRE ALARM STATION
ANCHORED INTO A WALL.
A deafening alarm blares.
BLACK OUT.
OVER A BLACK SCREEN, THE SOUND OF DOORS OPENING AND CLOSING.
COMMOTION. AND PANIC.
THE SOUND OF STILETTOS CLICK CLACK ACROSS THE FLOOR.
FADE IN:
FOUR INCH JIMMY CHOOS STRIDE IN FRONT OF A SIGN:
INTERNATIONAL BIO-CHEMICAL EXPO. THEY STOP IN FRONT OF A


Okay - I'm lost - what is with all the CAPS? I get it for the sounds - but for everything? Sorry, it was just a distraction right out of the gate.

I'm assuming that the shot she gave herself was some inoculation against the poison that killed the other passengers.  That was not exactly clear - had to read twice to get there.

The story was okay. Felt you nailed Great White - could see her.





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Dreamscale
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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Oh boy...WTF is up with this trying so hard to impress style?  Reality check...it's doing the opposite.  You're killing yourself out of the gate, and it's really too bad, as you have talent, but the way you're writing is almost always going to turn your readers off.

Why is everything CAPPED right away? Why don't you set your ne with a full Slug? You incorrectly...or awkwardly lead into a Mini Slug, but your opening Slug can't be a  Mini...doesn't work that way.

I'm out before Page 1 is done and it's sad, because you're causing this with your so over the top style and voice..  

My 11 cents...write simple, clear, visual passages.   Stop trying to impress...it's not working.  You have talent...please don't throw it away like this.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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The second helping doesn’t work for me either, although wow – you’ve written two entries for the OWC featuring the same character! That is impressive.

I knew what was going on straight away because I read Great White first, so any potential for misdirection or subterfuge is completely lost. I also guessed what was going to happen after Great White injected herself.

A nice touch with the kid but this is Kill Bill  in an Elevator so it is not surprising. Like Great White this works as a nice homage to Tarrentino but unfortunately doesn’t  stand out on its own merits.

-Mark


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RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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You lost me at the outset.  In my neck of the woods, elevators shut down when the fire alarm is pulled.  They won't work.  People won't go to them.  Without some explanation for having the elevator working, I'm out of the story already.  

Again, the protag has it way too easy.  And  she has a heat of gold.  Sorry, without complications and setbacks, a story isn't a story, even a clever story.  

best
Richard
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 11:46am Report to Moderator
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Another Great White, looks like we have some collusion on our hands  

This solidifies for me that the QT references are unnecessary. That dude that got his brains blown out was Marvin. So far between the shorts, I can only pinpoint 2 films: Kill Bill & PF. If you're gonna own this Tarantino thing, I feel you should hit on some of his other films too.

I admit, the capped passages at start confused me. I've seen it used before, but I don't really understand its purpose myself. Maybe I can get a heads up on this?

Writing wasn't bad, just needs to be tightened up for better readability. The story was okay, nothing wrong with the plot, but I didn't get a sense of Great White here. Just fashion stuff - which I laughed at the end - I felt this was a good opportunity for two shorts to sync her character.
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Grandma Bear
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Dug the title page. I want to have cool fonts on my title pages as well, I just can't figure out how to get them into FD. Not to mention making them titlted as well.

Noticed there's another script with the name Great White. I like it. Maybe like Kill Bill the unseen man on the phone has a team of female assassins. If he does, one should be named Hammer Head!

Not sure what was up with the CAPS in the beginning. Maybe just to throw Jeff for a loop. I did with my script and he hated it! Could'nt  even finish it. Oh well.

I liked the idea here of how GW went about killing Cam Li. However, I would have liked to know why he needed to be eliminated.

A fun read that I feel was written the way it was on purpose.

Hope to see you tidy these Great White scripts into something larger when this OWC is over.

Cheers!  


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
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Like others, I read Great White first. At least here, I get why we call her Great White (i still hold my view that you should have called her Ms. White BTW) Unlike the previous script, this one has a fancy font on the title page. Not a good sign. First few narrative lines ALL CAPS. Not a good sign. Why does Cam Li get a name but SPANISH  is "Spanish Woman" and CHINESE SCIENTIST is just that? Spanish even has a name tag on her coat. What is it? Why couldn't the CHINESE SCIENTIST be Toby Wong?  (as in "Toby? Toby Wong. Toby Wong? Toby Wong. Toby Chung? Fucking Charlie Chan")  



Quoted Text
GREAT WHITE
Ever seen Pulp Fiction? That scene
in the car where Vincent Vega
shoots Martin in the head...brains
and blood splatter everywhere...almost...like
an explosion


Looks like the writer hit a bump   It's MARVIN.

Not as good as the previous one, my best guess is that it was all one script and you broke it up into two parts.


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wonkavite
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 7:42pm Report to Moderator
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Ah hah.  Great White... again?  Hmmmm... I think someone's had an idea for a feature length, and is playing with it in chunks here.

Actually - I *might* be able to guess who wrote this, but we'll see in time, after the reveal...

Solid, decent writing.  And I would be interested in seeing a longer script with Great White as the main anti-hero.  As a stand alone, this one doesn't work as well as the first.  IE: it's less self-contained...
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Stumpzian
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 9:56am Report to Moderator
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Great White. I do like that character name. Of the two Great White scripts in this OWC, this version comes in second. Too much is undeveloped and/or confusing.

I don't think this was a team-up; I believe the writer had two ideas and decided to do both. The first is more polished, the second done in a hurry. It shows.  

P.S. Not everyone is a Tarantino fan. These scripts assume the opposite.



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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from Stumpzian

P.S. Not everyone is a Tarantino fan. These scripts assume the opposite.

I don't think the writers assume everyone else is a fan, but I know they are.  


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Max
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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How did he/she get that funky ass title on the front page? Looks sweet.


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EWall433
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Obviously a sister script of Great White. I think I liked the other one a little better. I liked her getting the kid off the elevator, though it seemed to go on too long. Then she releases a nerve agent, and it just seemed bizarre. Granted the other one wasn’t really explained much, but a mobster getting whacked is easier to get a handle on than a bio-attack.

Similar to the other one, this was good, but too limited in scope. Maybe a third script will pop up that tells me what in the heck is going on.
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nawazm11
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 6:00am Report to Moderator
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Ah, Great White strikes again, I hate to be a real mean stickler but honestly, this should have been DQd. The point of the OWC is to tell your story in 12 pages, you putting two entries with literally the same character and premise just doesn't make any sense at all. Either tell it in the designated page count, or don't tell it at all.

Now, this isn't saying to not submit two entries, it's just that having it be a follow-up or prequel or whatever it is just makes the whole challenge mute because of the page length. That is unless of course, this is written by different writers who are in on the ruse? Or the universe aligned to this specific moment and this is a total coincidence, on which I applaud you.

Unfortunately, I agree with Dustin, story did nothing for me, at least Great White wasn't as bitchy as she was before. Liked this one better than the other one.
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PrussianMosby
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Case of Death

I don't like the font. You can download courier final draft or sth. like that if you want to. It's easily available on the web for free.

"We’ll call her GREAT WHITE." I guess that's the starting shot of irony.

Very visual. Twists and structure are smart but somehow it's not to the point yet. Did I read over what kind of poison she used to eliminate her target?

Maybe it works. I'm not sure, interested in what others say here.



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Iancou
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Yep, all of the previous point noted and definitely drop the CAPS. Also, minor point... when talking on the radio, generally only police would use ten-codes (ten-four) or long-haul truckers in the US would say ten-four when talking on the citizens band (CB) radio.


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c m hall
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This is such an intriguing story it seems like it could be part of a feature film.  That Great White character is a role to die for.  As a OWC I think this succeeds beautifully, it holds the reader's attention from start to finish and as cold as the opening page asides are, Great White is even cooler.
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