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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Case of Death - OWC
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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Dug the title page. I want to have cool fonts on my title pages as well, I just can't figure out how to get them into FD. Not to mention making them titlted as well.

Noticed there's another script with the name Great White. I like it. Maybe like Kill Bill the unseen man on the phone has a team of female assassins. If he does, one should be named Hammer Head!

Not sure what was up with the CAPS in the beginning. Maybe just to throw Jeff for a loop. I did with my script and he hated it! Could'nt  even finish it. Oh well.

I liked the idea here of how GW went about killing Cam Li. However, I would have liked to know why he needed to be eliminated.

A fun read that I feel was written the way it was on purpose.

Hope to see you tidy these Great White scripts into something larger when this OWC is over.

Cheers!  


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
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Like others, I read Great White first. At least here, I get why we call her Great White (i still hold my view that you should have called her Ms. White BTW) Unlike the previous script, this one has a fancy font on the title page. Not a good sign. First few narrative lines ALL CAPS. Not a good sign. Why does Cam Li get a name but SPANISH  is "Spanish Woman" and CHINESE SCIENTIST is just that? Spanish even has a name tag on her coat. What is it? Why couldn't the CHINESE SCIENTIST be Toby Wong?  (as in "Toby? Toby Wong. Toby Wong? Toby Wong. Toby Chung? Fucking Charlie Chan")  



Quoted Text
GREAT WHITE
Ever seen Pulp Fiction? That scene
in the car where Vincent Vega
shoots Martin in the head...brains
and blood splatter everywhere...almost...like
an explosion


Looks like the writer hit a bump   It's MARVIN.

Not as good as the previous one, my best guess is that it was all one script and you broke it up into two parts.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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wonkavite
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 7:42pm Report to Moderator
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Ah hah.  Great White... again?  Hmmmm... I think someone's had an idea for a feature length, and is playing with it in chunks here.

Actually - I *might* be able to guess who wrote this, but we'll see in time, after the reveal...

Solid, decent writing.  And I would be interested in seeing a longer script with Great White as the main anti-hero.  As a stand alone, this one doesn't work as well as the first.  IE: it's less self-contained...
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Stumpzian
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 9:56am Report to Moderator
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Great White. I do like that character name. Of the two Great White scripts in this OWC, this version comes in second. Too much is undeveloped and/or confusing.

I don't think this was a team-up; I believe the writer had two ideas and decided to do both. The first is more polished, the second done in a hurry. It shows.  

P.S. Not everyone is a Tarantino fan. These scripts assume the opposite.



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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Stumpzian

P.S. Not everyone is a Tarantino fan. These scripts assume the opposite.

I don't think the writers assume everyone else is a fan, but I know they are.  


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Max
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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How did he/she get that funky ass title on the front page? Looks sweet.


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EWall433
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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Obviously a sister script of Great White. I think I liked the other one a little better. I liked her getting the kid off the elevator, though it seemed to go on too long. Then she releases a nerve agent, and it just seemed bizarre. Granted the other one wasn’t really explained much, but a mobster getting whacked is easier to get a handle on than a bio-attack.

Similar to the other one, this was good, but too limited in scope. Maybe a third script will pop up that tells me what in the heck is going on.
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nawazm11
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 6:00am Report to Moderator
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Ah, Great White strikes again, I hate to be a real mean stickler but honestly, this should have been DQd. The point of the OWC is to tell your story in 12 pages, you putting two entries with literally the same character and premise just doesn't make any sense at all. Either tell it in the designated page count, or don't tell it at all.

Now, this isn't saying to not submit two entries, it's just that having it be a follow-up or prequel or whatever it is just makes the whole challenge mute because of the page length. That is unless of course, this is written by different writers who are in on the ruse? Or the universe aligned to this specific moment and this is a total coincidence, on which I applaud you.

Unfortunately, I agree with Dustin, story did nothing for me, at least Great White wasn't as bitchy as she was before. Liked this one better than the other one.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 2nd, 2015, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
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Case of Death

I don't like the font. You can download courier final draft or sth. like that if you want to. It's easily available on the web for free.

"We’ll call her GREAT WHITE." I guess that's the starting shot of irony.

Very visual. Twists and structure are smart but somehow it's not to the point yet. Did I read over what kind of poison she used to eliminate her target?

Maybe it works. I'm not sure, interested in what others say here.



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Iancou
Posted: June 2nd, 2015, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
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Yep, all of the previous point noted and definitely drop the CAPS. Also, minor point... when talking on the radio, generally only police would use ten-codes (ten-four) or long-haul truckers in the US would say ten-four when talking on the citizens band (CB) radio.


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c m hall
Posted: June 5th, 2015, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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This is such an intriguing story it seems like it could be part of a feature film.  That Great White character is a role to die for.  As a OWC I think this succeeds beautifully, it holds the reader's attention from start to finish and as cold as the opening page asides are, Great White is even cooler.
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