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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Saturn Method - OWC
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  Author    The Saturn Method - OWC  (currently 5423 views)
Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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To me this script was two parts

1) the intro - very much outside the rules - bit needed to set it sup re Saturn

2) the game -- in a very long lift

So...

1) was dull - backstory

2) was actually quite well handled.

This isn't bad at all, given a bit of time, this could fly.

The final girl was a tad obvious, although I like the punch line on redheads.

It's not one of the best, but it's not a bad stab. Better than some think.

All the best


My scripts  HERE

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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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EXT CITY PARK?  Really?  How is this in or near an elevator?  And the jokey banter is pretty lame.

I'm out incredibly fast here.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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rendevous
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 7:56am Report to Moderator
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Gawked hornballs. It sounds kinda painful. I realise this is a comedy, but that one is a bit too much too soon.

Seems some reviewers took exception to the infomercial at the start. That's understandable, but it's within the rules. The header isn't correct, hence stormouts, toys being thrown from prams and shouts for the instant arrest and trial of the guilty. And their family.

I think the biggest problem with the ad business is it goes on too long. It could be half the length and still achieve the same result.

I can't say I'm a fan of the main plot idea. I was hoping it was going to be more like the Tom Cruise character in Magnolia, but sadly it wasn't to be.

There's an idea here, and there's a few  funny lines. The problem with comedy is the bad lines drag down the good, hence all those outraged and dismissive reviews.

I'm not a fan of this, but I don't think it's half as bad as some say. I know they're all working for world peace at the UN and saving lives as rocket surgeons and brain scientists, so they just can't possibly spare the time to read a script they don't instantly like.

I think one of the main problems is Bryan is too sleazy. This makes him rather dislikeable. Saturn's sleazy too, but seeing as he makes a living from it this is a little more forgiveable. His early comments about women could have been excised.

I think the women are also a little too daft and dumb. They could have been a little smarter and more realistic and it could still have worked. As it is it's a bit too 1970s. Benny Hill would have loved it. Bless.

If Bryan was more likeable, and he was keen to get a date for some purpose or the like, it would have been better, in me humble.

R


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SteveClark
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Not a bad one really. It was edgy and juvenile, but fun. The parameters are intact as the infomercial was playing inside the elevator, and the action never left. Still, it misses the mark. This could have been a bit shorter, perhaps they could've met the redhead when it was initially Bryan's turn? You cut that out and it shortens this, and doesn't take away from the story.

Also, your ending could've used a bit more oomph. I mean, instead of her getting tackled by the police, maybe she could have something else in store for them that would really leave these two creeps aghast.
Anyway, decent effort for the time. Good luck with it.

Steve


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Stumpzian
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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When I reread this a few days after my initial reading, I realized it is much better than I thought. It's written with flair and humor and arrives at its destination smoothly.

The logline describes Bryan and Saturn as "sleazy," so I  don't think the writer expected us to embrace  either one. He or she just wants us to enjoy watching the nonsense.

Does it violate the parameters?  The infomercial is played inside the elevator, which is OK with me.

I guess you could argue that the ending (with the cops tackling the redhead) could be improved. I'd have to read it a third time to be certain of what I think, but I'll leave that to the writer.



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JSimon
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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Stump's most recent post and the fact that someone mentioned this as their favorite caused me to give it another read. When we're going through a lot of shorts sometimes it's easy to misjudge one. So I re-read this very carefully.

And my opinion did not change, unfortunately.

I realize that this is comedy so it doesn't have to be too realistic, still, come on...! How does one elevator ride turn into all of this:
1) our protag watches a fairly lengthy infomercial
2) the pick up artist from the infomercial gets on at the next stop
3) they talk
4) a woman gets on and they go up a few floors, during which the pick up artist doesn't hit on her
5) again alone in the el they form a wager on picking up girls; somehow they know that beautiful women will keep getting on and off this elevator right on cue
6) a woman gets on that has an autistic brother and the artist hits on her in the next leg of the journey, gets the phone number. Score 1 - 0
7) the next woman comes on and we have this awkward ghost pick up line. He then exposes himself to win the number with his large member
next stop: Candy comes on and we get this weird wild story about how she's losing her kid
9) Finally the elevator ride ends and the cops are waiting outside.

Was this an elevator ride or a bus trip from Boston to Philly? Look, this isn't the only writer to impossibly lengthen the elevator ride. One writer here tried to overcome this problem by putting the story in the future and making the elevator have like hundreds and hundreds of floors. Another writer had a power outage. And with another the elevator turned out to be imaginary.

I don't want to pick on the writer, it's on OWC, no one expects too much from these. It's hit and miss. It just seemed kind of crazy to me to have all this happen on one ride, Candy's hustle was ludicrous, the jokes overall were flat, and the whole scenario has been done before in the movie Dirty Rotten Scoundrels with Steve Martin and Michael Caine. In that film, Caine plays the veteran hustler, Martin is the wannabe, and eventually they battle over some chick they think is rich, and she herself turns out to be a hustler.

I think maybe this idea could be changed after the OWC to a different setting and might work better. For example, the long bus ride. Here's something to consider though: if we don't care much about either character, and no effort is made to make us care about either here, then we at least might be interested in the outcome of the contest. This worked very well in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. But to make that work, you have to show Bryan has some way to compete with the pick up artist. It has to be a battle that either could win, which would keep us curious. And no, a big dick is not interesting enough or enough to make us think he can win.

And the hustle played by Candy has to be made believable.

And the cops waiting at the end? That just has to go. Maybe show her get in some expensive car. I don't know. She's a small time hustler, not Lex Luther who the cops have brought in SWAT for.

It's good to give a script a second shot, and I was hoping to be able to correct my first review. It just didn't work out. There's been enough love for this script that I'm sure the writer won't be hurt by this review. Just pretend I'm a red head!

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JSimon  -  May 29th, 2015, 6:32pm
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wonkavite
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I'll give this writer a few points for off-the-wall jokes and creativity.  Overall, though - this really doesn't work for me.  I found the gags imaginative, but not funny.  And the ending... just sort of weird.  I have a feeling that this is one story that would be best placed in a different setting.  IMO - Remove the elevator, and reimagine this one...!
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CameronD
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
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Who watches an infomercial on their cell phone?

The actual infomercial would have made more sense if we knew it was the infomercial from the start. Like, I think it is, but I shouldn't have to think about it ya know?

What's with the contest restrictions for no reason? You're on an elevator. beggars can't be choosers.

twenty three not #23 in dialogue on pg 6.

Who is Veronica supposed to be? She has no description.

The ending with Candy fell flat.

Somewhat good idea. This would be low budget for sure. But no real funny lines. That's the dangerous part about writing comedies. It's easy to wrote horror, action, and even love stories. But comedy is hard to fake.

I think what I liked best are the Scott Pilgrim style vs battle SUPERS. If the rest of the script was as stylized then you might have the start of something.




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DanC
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JSimon
Stump's most recent post and the fact that someone mentioned this as their favorite caused me to give it another read. When we're going through a lot of shorts sometimes it's easy to misjudge one. So I re-read this very carefully.

And my opinion did not change, unfortunately.

I realize that this is comedy so it doesn't have to be too realistic, still, come on...! How does one elevator ride turn into all of this:
1) our protag watches a fairly lengthy infomercial
2) the pick up artist from the infomercial gets on at the next stop
3) they talk
4) a woman gets on and they go up a few floors, during which the pick up artist doesn't hit on her
5) again alone in the el they form a wager on picking up girls; somehow they know that beautiful women will keep getting on and off this elevator right on cue
6) a woman gets on that has an autistic brother and the artist hits on her in the next leg of the journey, gets the phone number. Score 1 - 0
7) the next woman comes on and we have this awkward ghost pick up line. He then exposes himself to win the number with his large member
next stop: Candy comes on and we get this weird wild story about how she's losing her kid
9) Finally the elevator ride ends and the cops are waiting outside.

Was this an elevator ride or a bus trip from Boston to Philly? Look, this isn't the only writer to impossibly lengthen the elevator ride. One writer here tried to overcome this problem by putting the story in the future and making the elevator have like hundreds and hundreds of floors. Another writer had a power outage. And with another the elevator turned out to be imaginary.

I don't want to pick on the writer, it's on OWC, no one expects too much from these. It's hit and miss. It just seemed kind of crazy to me to have all this happen on one ride, Candy's hustle was ludicrous, the jokes overall were flat, and the whole scenario has been done before in the movie Dirty Rotten Scoundrels with Steve Martin and Michael Caine. In that film, Caine plays the veteran hustler, Martin is the wannabe, and eventually they battle over some chick they think is rich, and she herself turns out to be a hustler.

I think maybe this idea could be changed after the OWC to a different setting and might work better. For example, the long bus ride. Here's something to consider though: if we don't care much about either character, and no effort is made to make us care about either here, then we at least might be interested in the outcome of the contest. This worked very well in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. But to make that work, you have to show Bryan has some way to compete with the pick up artist. It has to be a battle that either could win, which would keep us curious. And no, a big dick is not interesting enough or enough to make us think he can win.

And the hustle played by Candy has to be made believable.

And the cops waiting at the end? That just has to go. Maybe show her get in some expensive car. I don't know. She's a small time hustler, not Lex Luther who the cops have brought in SWAT for.

It's good to give a script a second shot, and I was hoping to be able to correct my first review. It just didn't work out. There's been enough love for this script that I'm sure the writer won't be hurt by this review. Just pretend I'm a red head!


I said elsewhere, but, I envisioned the elevators in Vegas.  They do have stuff playing on them.  They do take a while to go from one place to the other.  So, that part isn't too far fetched.

I didn't like the story b/c it wasn't my type of story.

But, there are elevators that do have those in them.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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nawazm11
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 6:19am Report to Moderator
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Props to you for keeping it all contained in an elevator, some good dialogue and banter here, solid work, not sure if I'm a fan of the ending but there wasn't a lot you could do with a story like this. One of the better entries, that's for sure, not a lot to say here. I'm surprised Jeff dropped out so early, thought he had something to do with the script, but I guess not. Good job.
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DS
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 7:26am Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this one. Sure, it's juvenile, but it was pretty clear to me that it never intended to be a smart comedy and was taking a dig at the "bro culture" as a whole. Take a seat back, turn your thoughts off and take the script for what it is and I think it'll be enjoyable.

I didn't mind the park scene, it happened on a screen while it was being watched in an elevator, didn't overstay its welcome and it was a good introduction to the script and Saturn's character. I enjoyed the banter and didn't necessarily mind Bryan not being "on par" with Saturn as there were plenty of jokes that worked because of it. Although if Bryan was less socially inept, it could also be a very entertaining choice. Maybe even work better.

JSimon mentioned the length of the elevator ride. I think it's been much worse for other scripts. The script is made into sections and it makes a lot more sense to me that they both decided to hang around the elevator for someone to board it. That way with every new section, they're on a different ride, instead of it all happening during one long ride.

The potato salad gag didn't work for me at all and I'm also 50/50 whether Candy worked for me or not, but the way I see it, this is well done and has a footing even without the OWC. Extra points from me for going for something different as well. Well, not universally different, but for what one would expect for the OWC.
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stevemiles
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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‘...gawking HORNBALLS.’ like lecherous guys?  I’m guessing.  I like this description, though clarity goes a long way.

Bryan’s initial bet was to see if Saturn was a fraud -- yet then they go head-to-head to see who can get the most numbers?  This whole angle felt unfocused -- muddied more with the appearance of Candy.  

Found myself warming to Saturn -- a sleaze, but professional at least.  Hit and miss on the gags.  ‘Everyone in the room is your wingman.’  Good line.  Pretty sure showing your schlong to a woman on an elevator gets you a number -- just the kind you hold up while they take your picture…

The humour won’t be to everyones’ taste, but it’s an entertaining idea for a short.  I’d suggest working on the bet angle if you come back to this.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


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CameronD
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevemiles


Pretty sure showing your schlong to a woman on an elevator gets you a number -- just the kind you hold up while they take your picture…



Now, that was funny.


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Dreamscale
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
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Whether or not the opening is playing on a screen, it still has to be filmed and to film it, you're nowhere near an elevator.  Therein lies the problem and why I bailed so quickly.

If this would be OK, then all you have to do is have someone on an elvator, watching whatever you choose take place on a screen, but don't you think that completely takes away from the parameters of the challenge?


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Max
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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I see what you mean Jeff.

You could have somebody watching a movie on the phone, pop into the movie... then pop back out of the movie and have the guy in the elevator be like "Wow, that was a cool film"... then FADE OUT.


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