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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Saturn Method - OWC
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  Author    The Saturn Method - OWC  (currently 5420 views)
PrussianMosby
Posted: June 5th, 2015, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
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The Saturn Method

Another great title for today.

I don't see the elevator as expedient to tell this story. There seem to be just women inside the building. On the other side it's the extreme version of the theme you treat with.

I like to follow your story, though I might be a bit too old for the concept. Perhaps this script is also some pages too long for what it is.



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c m hall
Posted: June 5th, 2015, 11:56pm Report to Moderator
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This script is funny in a silly sort of way, the dialogue could work if the male leads have the comic timing --  Groucho Marx as Saturn.  I'd go see it.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 7:09am Report to Moderator
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Dustin
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 7:23am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Nice work, was one of my recommends. Mainly because of the talent on show with the writing. You work well together. I couldn't tell that this was done by two writers.


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
Nice work, was one of my recommends. Mainly because of the talent on show with the writing. You work well together. I couldn't tell that this was done by two writers.


Thanks Dustin. We have very different styles, infusing the two was fun.

Thanks everyone who read and commented! Steve and I might have enjoyed the reactions to the script more than writing it.

Oh, if I didn't read your script I will soon.

If we had a bit more time to work on this, the likelihood of a different outcome would've been high. An overhaul is in works, the next one will be a 180 from its current version - complete with a pulse. Thanks for the love, hate, and suggestions.

Johnny
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SteveClark
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 10:26am Report to Moderator
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Hi Gang,

Many thanks to everyone who read and commented on our script. My apologies to those I did not read. Anyone I missed, and there are a few, please please pm me and I'll get on it right away.

John came to me like 2 days before this was due. He had 8 pages done, and said, "Here. Write an ending." So my input was mainly the closing, and my original ending was not included. Lets just say that John thought that 2 schlongs being revealed was one too many!

Lots of great advice given. John and I were constantly texting each other throughout. We were both really into this. It was a lot of fun, and yes, a rewrite is soon to come.

Steve


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Gum
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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Henry wrote;

“When I reread this a few days after my initial reading, I realized it is much better than I thought. It's written with flair and humor and arrives at its destination smoothly.”

Hey Johnny, Steven,

I’m going to resonate that quote. The first time I opened this was during the first few days of the OWC brouhaha, and honestly, just skimmed it. But, after another (relaxed) read it has really grown on me. You see, that’s the issue with a dry humor (this is dripping with it, btw); one has to be in the right frame of mind to appreciate its style… like Poutine, lol.

I was constantly reminded of the NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) masters such as Ross Jeffries; that transformed a shadow government, black-op mind f #ck, into an incredibly powerful tool used for unconscious seduction. I think this would have been (even more) unique if you had included some of the ‘voice patterns’ they use as a brute force attack on a woman’s primal instinct. Cause unless it’s done correctly, actually just comes off as hilarious self deprecating humor.

As well, the breaking of the fourth (wall) works well for me. Although viewers never see the camera, it’s a universally unconscious part of any type of media interaction, and when it happens unexpectedly (such as here) can quickly tear away the gossamer that separates the audience from the piece itself. That little stunt at the beginning actually immersed me more into the character interactions, and I found myself wanting one up each of them on a pick up line as if I was in the elevator myself.

I think you took a stab at a fresh (yet underappreciated) style of delivery within these pages. Nothing too radical (meaning fourth wall interaction isn’t new), but that interruption in my flow of consciousness during the read was just enough to notice something clicked in my head to ‘perk up’… so to speak.  Because without the (unconscious) audience participation in this script, I don’t think it would have had the same ‘Punch’ that it delivered.

But I don’t think I need to be telling you this; you’re the ones who actually ‘Know’ how to write a working script. There are some cool, suave styles at work here; feeding us some funny, clever scenarios. Great work guys!


My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SteveClark
Lets just say that John thought that 2 schlongs being revealed was one too many!


I'm still in amazement when we revealed our "rounds" to each other, we both wrote about dicks.

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SteveClark
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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Right. As I recall, my round (the ending), was the climax.


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SteveClark
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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Canis,

Thanks so much for the kind words!

This suave kind of writing you mention is John's really. He had a very unique voice, to say the least. The amazing thing to me was he was able to take my writing style and match it seamlessly into the story. All except my original ending, that is!

But John, did we break the fourth wall in this? Maybe with the infomercial.


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SteveClark
All except my original ending, that is!


We definitely should have cut my dick off and used yours.  
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SteveClark
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo


We definitely should have cut my dick off and used yours.  


Yeah. I think mine just added a little more meat to the story.


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Gum
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo
I'm still in amazement when we revealed our "rounds" to each other, we both wrote about dicks.


LOL, you guys should change the working title to ' Brokeback Elevator'.


Quoted from SteveClark
This suave kind of writing you mention is John's really. He had a very unique voice, to say the least...



Johnny IS the suave, and he has a SS Mug to prove it!


My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
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Max
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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StevenClark stepping in like a boss and ghost-writing that ending, booyah!

It's always nice to create something on your own, but when you partner up with somebody, surely it's twice the fun?

Great job on this one either way.

I wasn't too sure about the infomercial because essentially, you could have someone look at their phone and watch an entire movie... then come back to the elevator.

At what point does it break the rules of the challenge so to speak? Either way, Saturn Method, big up!


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SteveClark
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 6:53pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Max! Very happy you liked it.

I didn't realize we'd broken the rules, but the way Johnny showed the infomercial it was from the actual scene, not really him watching it in the elevator. Although that's essentially what was going on. I think technically the rules were broken, but it's arguable.

What was fun about this was the back and forth we had going on, hinging on every new post. We both had a nice laugh when Jeff bailed!

It was also fun to write what I did, then get the email back from John saying we had a conflict, hereby known as The Double Schlong Situation. I left it up to him to fix that, however.


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