There was a LOL moment when Saturn said...

"The secret? Ava here, along with
every female on this planet, are
sluts."

Quoted from Max "The secret? Ava here, along with every female on this planet, are sluts."

The thought behind that was to establish Saturn as a douchebag and then when we meet him, kinda make him a decent guy. I never meant for Bryan to be a sleaze, that just sort of happened.

Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo I never meant for Bryan to be a sleaze, that just sort of happened.

Blame it on Steven, mate.

Hey Gang,

So, this is a rewrite of mine and John's May OWC short. Pretty polarizing was the original version. So I rewrote it, as John is away at the moment. I reinstalled my original ending here, and changed Round 2 around so it wouldn't mirror the end. John says it still needs some work, I agree. Just curious what some of you thought. Thanks!

Steve

Steven

SATURN
Whatever. The secret is that Anna
here, along with every female on the
planet, are sluts.

- Ha, this is very Frank T.J. Mackey. Let me guess, Saturn has some serious unresolved father issues

SATURN (cont'd)
But for just three easy
payments of $99.99

- Sh?t, that’s pricey.

BRYAN
I'm Bryan. Yo, I'm a huge fan of what
you do for us bros.

- I love the blatant mixed messages Bryan is sending here. At first I thought he saw Saturn as the "tool" he is but obviously he (not so) secretly admires him.

“Saturn slips off his wedding band. Bryan catches it, shakes
his head - tsk-tsk. Saturn slides it back on.”

- Woah, now that is a challenge. It provides an amusing beat here in the action but I thought it would've been one of the first things addressed in the preceding scene when they were laying out the ground rules.

BRYAN
Excuse me. Are you free tonight or is
it gonna cost me?

- This guy is way off the mark. It seems Bryan needs more help than Saturn could ever give him.

VERONICA
Sir, I'm requesting you step out of my
personal space.

- Ha.

BRYAN
So, how do you like your eggs in the
morning? Fertilized or unfertilized?

She throws her head back and howls with laughter. She wipes a
tear from her eye. Even snorts.

- Nice twist there in having Bryan save the situation by upping the obnoxious factor. So, on the contrary, he probably doesn't need Saturn's help at all.

SATURN
No dice. We agreed no redheads.

- Ha, poor gingers always get it tight.

BRYAN
I'm conceding defeat, you feebleminded
bag of douche.

- How can he call him "feeble minded" when he is the one whose quitting?

SATURN
Three hundred and a half-hour boot
camp session.

- What does he mean by "Boot camp session"?
Saturn throws his arms up.

CANDY
Which one?

BRYAN
No shit?

- So how exactly is Saturn helping him score her? By just offering the "tone it down" advice? Easiest 300 hundred he'll ever make.

“Saturn rushes over.”

- How big is this elevator?

CANDY
No. It's all my fault. My ex kept me
addicted to heroin throughout my
pregnancy. I thought he was gonna kill
us. He was a monster, but now...

- Yeesh, a little bit too much information there, dear.

“She begrudgingly accepts the cash, slides it down her blouse
and tucks it away. A hint of spectacular breast.”

- Ok, red flags are up, I'm anticipating she is scamming them.
“Higher, higher until... A fat, crooked, uncircumsized PENIS
flops out.”

- Yikes, I didn't see that coming.

I enjoyed the un-PC humour of this in light of an ever stifling PC world. It’s crass, cheap, offensive and blatantly misogynistic but done in a knowing way. I never thought you were ever championing these two guys as both really are as bad as each other. In fact I'd nearly prefer to share an elevator with a schlong wielding redheaded woman then those two a?sholes.

The premise here for a single location (park scene non-withstanding) is a solid one to mine laughs and I liked its Scott Pilgrim Vs the World-like structure even if I didn't like that film itself, it suits this scenario perfectly.

So while I did respond to the setup, characterization, tone and humour in parts and was enjoying the read overall I think it really loses its way in those last pages, specifically when said schlong makes its appearance. I'm guessing this is the source of divisiveness you were talking about?

It was too silly and crude for my tastes. Not that I'm easily offended, it just seemed like it was done to shock us, nothing more. It didn't make much sense particularly in how you describe Candy. It felt unfairly misleading. I appreciate you want Byran and Saturn to get their comeuppance and Candy scamming them is one way to do it as you've written it, even if it was a little predictable with the timing of the phone call, questionable medical condition, etc but taking it in the direction you did cheapened it and undermined an otherwise sharp and clever piece.

Also, as it’s such a departure from your other stuff (in both good and bad ways) I’d be remiss not to wonder how much input you had in the collaboration. Please tell me Mr. Robbins was responsible for that fat, crooked, uncircumcised thing

Col.  

Col,

Thanks for the read. Yeah, TJ Mackey was the first character I thought of when this was sent to me!
The upping the obnoxious factor was a rewrite of the original. The original had an entirely different scenario so I'm glad this worked for you.

As far as being misleading with Candy I'm not sure what you mean by "unfairly. " We needed her to be a hottie in order to make this particular ending work. But I agree, as well as my writing partner, that its missing something at the end. With the OWC we didn't have time to cleverly plot their comeuppance strategically, as well as giving it a much better twist. I mean, it is a twist, but I agree it's kinda cheesy. But it wasn't done for shock really, just maybe to scare theliving day lights outta these two creeps.

And yes, that ending was mine!  

Steve