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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Saturn Method - OWC
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  Author    The Saturn Method - OWC  (currently 5422 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
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The Saturn Method by John Robbins & Steven Clark writing as  - Short, Comedy - On an elevator, a sleazy underdog rivals a professional "pick-up artist" in a battle of egos. 14 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  August 4th, 2015, 1:52pm
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DanC
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
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That was a lot of stuff for a setup for a joke.

No spoilers, I promise.  But, it appeared to me that the entire gist of the story was to set up that ending.

It was a pretty fast easy read, but, eh, I just didn't care for it.

It was corny, but, not corny in a good way.  It seemed a bit forced.

5.5/10


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eldave1
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The first two pages are set no where near an elevator - or a building for that matter.


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Pale Yellow
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Maybe it's me but I'm starting out confused on this one. First he's in the elevator watching informercials then he's not in the elevator. Gaps like this take me out of a story real fast. Then that Ava park scene in between. What was that? I thought the challenge was IN an elevator?

Then a large part of this feels like talking heads...talking for no reason. I'm sorry ...tried...bailing about half way through this...

... but it's good on you for writing 12 pages. Good job completing an OWC.
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Simon
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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Funny, but maybe a bit of a cliched story about picking up women? I liked it, though. A very small criticism, but I thought the 'tasty potato salad' line was a bit silly. If you deleted the word 'tasty', it would be less silly, in my opinion. I'm impressed you wrote this within a week.


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Dustin
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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That was good. The best so far. Well orchestrated, well told.

8 out of 10.


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stevie
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
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Another one this breaks the location requirements? I read the comments first so will leave it



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Iancou
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 8:53am Report to Moderator
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Okay, point taken on the first few comments, however, it was elevator focused for the most part and was well-written considering the short time given to write it. However, with more time to polish the piece, there could be something to it and easy to film with minimal cost.


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Max
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 9:52am Report to Moderator
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This was a fantastic read but I thought we were restricted to the elevator only? I know it's an infomercial on a phone but I thought even stuff like that would be against the rules... which is why I didn't use flashbacks in my script and scrapped an original idea I had.

CITY PARK is another location, it's another scene header... and not in or around the elevator.

The majority of the script does take place in the elevator but for me... it's kind of outside the rules of the challenge... so was Great White.

That being said, arguably the best entry I've read so far.

It's a smooth, slick piece of work... props.


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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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Congrats on entering contest!

Kind of corny story but maybe some guys would find it funny.  Written okay and the "twist" wasn't that surprising but it worked.  HORNBALLS?  Of course I know what you mean, but should always make things clear in your script.  Did Bryan pull out his junk in the elevator?  Is that considered a spoiler?  Sorry.  Again, not for me but that doesn't mean it isn't good.  Good luck with it.


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 12:46am Report to Moderator
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The start of this - the Saturn commercial isn't needed. It's clearly established Bryan is a fan of this dating guru personality. Having Bryan already in the elevator while the commercial plays on his phone which he's seen many times - would take about a minute. It doesn't quite work. That said, my eyes rolled a little at the "bet" premise of the story. Such tropes risk that the story gets too contrived. Another problem with the premise is more than obvious - Saturn is very popular on You Tube so he says. Since none of the women seem to know him, this claim is suspect. (Note: he is an ACTOR in a commercial) Later, the mention of cinematography brings me out a little, as it reminds me this is a film I'm not including the use of called shots, but you want to watch that too.


Also, the story is played for laughs. That works against you, because while the premise is sexist and both our male leads are sleazy, "Candy" stops by with her tales of woe and I'm like "drug addiction? rape? torture? This is funny?


Quoted Text
SATURN
Such a tragic virus.


Autism isn't a virus. It is a developmental disorder. Meg's reaction, therefore, isn't true since she would know this.(and that's not all -why would Meg put in her phone number on Saturn's phone while he clearly has his wedding band on?)

Bryan exposes himself to Veronica. Ha Ha Ha! She gives him her phone number! Ha Ha Ha! Excuse the mess, I'm about to hurl.

Candy gets busted. We discover that she and Saturn have a scam going on. She also DOES have a dominatrix gig on the side - just keep it to the scam)  I suppose it might be something if all the women were in on it which would explain why they come off as airheads.

Symbols, shorthand and/or abbreviations - never been a fan of these in scripts. $ and # mean absolutely nothing in scripts but just an excessive bit of typing. In dialog symbols aren't spoken either so they aren't needed.

Very juvenile, lazy and without substance.
Characters are cardboard and cliched.


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JSimon
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 5:43am Report to Moderator
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Not really feeling the comedy or appreciating the jokes. Sorry.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 7:51am Report to Moderator
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I don’t’ know about anyone else but I’m finding it fascinating reading the comments on each of these. Each entry has such a broad spectrum of reactions; from ‘best thing ever’ to ‘worst thing I’ve ever read’ and everything in between. It really does show a lot of it is down to personal opinion.

This particular sleazy tale left me with every reaction. Parts of it I really liked and found amusing. Then you’d lose me and I’d be wanting to bail, but then you’d pull me back in with a line like ‘Blondes overruled.  There's no evidence to support they're more promiscuous.’ Lol!

As soon as Red entered the elevator I knew where the story was heading so overall it didn’t work for me but parts of it did…and then parts of it didn’t and then parts of it did…etc…etc..

I’m confused.

-Mark


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RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 8:56am Report to Moderator
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This one left me cool.  The infomercial seemed a waste of time.  The battle these two engage in is a bit juvenile, and the bimbos in the elevator don't seem to have much personality.  And these two get the cues right every time.  Hmmm, does it work that way in real life?  Maybe for Sherlock, but I would prefer they get it wrong and lose but have to keep trying.  The redhead's scam doesn't work for me.  It's pretty lame, and these airheads fall for it...nope.  I understand this is a one week write, so there is some fudge room.  It would work better if they failed, and if they got played better.

Best
Richard
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AnthonyCawood
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Sorry didn't work for me though some of the banter was okay.

I think this only works as funny if the techniques Saturn and Bryan use are actually clever, they're not and it relies on them meeting completely stupid (and unrealistic) women.

Last line about Redheads did raise a smile,

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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To me this script was two parts

1) the intro - very much outside the rules - bit needed to set it sup re Saturn

2) the game -- in a very long lift

So...

1) was dull - backstory

2) was actually quite well handled.

This isn't bad at all, given a bit of time, this could fly.

The final girl was a tad obvious, although I like the punch line on redheads.

It's not one of the best, but it's not a bad stab. Better than some think.

All the best


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Dreamscale
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EXT CITY PARK?  Really?  How is this in or near an elevator?  And the jokey banter is pretty lame.

I'm out incredibly fast here.


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rendevous
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 7:56am Report to Moderator
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Gawked hornballs. It sounds kinda painful. I realise this is a comedy, but that one is a bit too much too soon.

Seems some reviewers took exception to the infomercial at the start. That's understandable, but it's within the rules. The header isn't correct, hence stormouts, toys being thrown from prams and shouts for the instant arrest and trial of the guilty. And their family.

I think the biggest problem with the ad business is it goes on too long. It could be half the length and still achieve the same result.

I can't say I'm a fan of the main plot idea. I was hoping it was going to be more like the Tom Cruise character in Magnolia, but sadly it wasn't to be.

There's an idea here, and there's a few  funny lines. The problem with comedy is the bad lines drag down the good, hence all those outraged and dismissive reviews.

I'm not a fan of this, but I don't think it's half as bad as some say. I know they're all working for world peace at the UN and saving lives as rocket surgeons and brain scientists, so they just can't possibly spare the time to read a script they don't instantly like.

I think one of the main problems is Bryan is too sleazy. This makes him rather dislikeable. Saturn's sleazy too, but seeing as he makes a living from it this is a little more forgiveable. His early comments about women could have been excised.

I think the women are also a little too daft and dumb. They could have been a little smarter and more realistic and it could still have worked. As it is it's a bit too 1970s. Benny Hill would have loved it. Bless.

If Bryan was more likeable, and he was keen to get a date for some purpose or the like, it would have been better, in me humble.

R


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SteveClark
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Not a bad one really. It was edgy and juvenile, but fun. The parameters are intact as the infomercial was playing inside the elevator, and the action never left. Still, it misses the mark. This could have been a bit shorter, perhaps they could've met the redhead when it was initially Bryan's turn? You cut that out and it shortens this, and doesn't take away from the story.

Also, your ending could've used a bit more oomph. I mean, instead of her getting tackled by the police, maybe she could have something else in store for them that would really leave these two creeps aghast.
Anyway, decent effort for the time. Good luck with it.

Steve


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Stumpzian
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When I reread this a few days after my initial reading, I realized it is much better than I thought. It's written with flair and humor and arrives at its destination smoothly.

The logline describes Bryan and Saturn as "sleazy," so I  don't think the writer expected us to embrace  either one. He or she just wants us to enjoy watching the nonsense.

Does it violate the parameters?  The infomercial is played inside the elevator, which is OK with me.

I guess you could argue that the ending (with the cops tackling the redhead) could be improved. I'd have to read it a third time to be certain of what I think, but I'll leave that to the writer.



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JSimon
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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Stump's most recent post and the fact that someone mentioned this as their favorite caused me to give it another read. When we're going through a lot of shorts sometimes it's easy to misjudge one. So I re-read this very carefully.

And my opinion did not change, unfortunately.

I realize that this is comedy so it doesn't have to be too realistic, still, come on...! How does one elevator ride turn into all of this:
1) our protag watches a fairly lengthy infomercial
2) the pick up artist from the infomercial gets on at the next stop
3) they talk
4) a woman gets on and they go up a few floors, during which the pick up artist doesn't hit on her
5) again alone in the el they form a wager on picking up girls; somehow they know that beautiful women will keep getting on and off this elevator right on cue
6) a woman gets on that has an autistic brother and the artist hits on her in the next leg of the journey, gets the phone number. Score 1 - 0
7) the next woman comes on and we have this awkward ghost pick up line. He then exposes himself to win the number with his large member
next stop: Candy comes on and we get this weird wild story about how she's losing her kid
9) Finally the elevator ride ends and the cops are waiting outside.

Was this an elevator ride or a bus trip from Boston to Philly? Look, this isn't the only writer to impossibly lengthen the elevator ride. One writer here tried to overcome this problem by putting the story in the future and making the elevator have like hundreds and hundreds of floors. Another writer had a power outage. And with another the elevator turned out to be imaginary.

I don't want to pick on the writer, it's on OWC, no one expects too much from these. It's hit and miss. It just seemed kind of crazy to me to have all this happen on one ride, Candy's hustle was ludicrous, the jokes overall were flat, and the whole scenario has been done before in the movie Dirty Rotten Scoundrels with Steve Martin and Michael Caine. In that film, Caine plays the veteran hustler, Martin is the wannabe, and eventually they battle over some chick they think is rich, and she herself turns out to be a hustler.

I think maybe this idea could be changed after the OWC to a different setting and might work better. For example, the long bus ride. Here's something to consider though: if we don't care much about either character, and no effort is made to make us care about either here, then we at least might be interested in the outcome of the contest. This worked very well in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. But to make that work, you have to show Bryan has some way to compete with the pick up artist. It has to be a battle that either could win, which would keep us curious. And no, a big dick is not interesting enough or enough to make us think he can win.

And the hustle played by Candy has to be made believable.

And the cops waiting at the end? That just has to go. Maybe show her get in some expensive car. I don't know. She's a small time hustler, not Lex Luther who the cops have brought in SWAT for.

It's good to give a script a second shot, and I was hoping to be able to correct my first review. It just didn't work out. There's been enough love for this script that I'm sure the writer won't be hurt by this review. Just pretend I'm a red head!

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JSimon  -  May 29th, 2015, 6:32pm
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wonkavite
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I'll give this writer a few points for off-the-wall jokes and creativity.  Overall, though - this really doesn't work for me.  I found the gags imaginative, but not funny.  And the ending... just sort of weird.  I have a feeling that this is one story that would be best placed in a different setting.  IMO - Remove the elevator, and reimagine this one...!
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CameronD
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
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Who watches an infomercial on their cell phone?

The actual infomercial would have made more sense if we knew it was the infomercial from the start. Like, I think it is, but I shouldn't have to think about it ya know?

What's with the contest restrictions for no reason? You're on an elevator. beggars can't be choosers.

twenty three not #23 in dialogue on pg 6.

Who is Veronica supposed to be? She has no description.

The ending with Candy fell flat.

Somewhat good idea. This would be low budget for sure. But no real funny lines. That's the dangerous part about writing comedies. It's easy to wrote horror, action, and even love stories. But comedy is hard to fake.

I think what I liked best are the Scott Pilgrim style vs battle SUPERS. If the rest of the script was as stylized then you might have the start of something.




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DanC
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JSimon
Stump's most recent post and the fact that someone mentioned this as their favorite caused me to give it another read. When we're going through a lot of shorts sometimes it's easy to misjudge one. So I re-read this very carefully.

And my opinion did not change, unfortunately.

I realize that this is comedy so it doesn't have to be too realistic, still, come on...! How does one elevator ride turn into all of this:
1) our protag watches a fairly lengthy infomercial
2) the pick up artist from the infomercial gets on at the next stop
3) they talk
4) a woman gets on and they go up a few floors, during which the pick up artist doesn't hit on her
5) again alone in the el they form a wager on picking up girls; somehow they know that beautiful women will keep getting on and off this elevator right on cue
6) a woman gets on that has an autistic brother and the artist hits on her in the next leg of the journey, gets the phone number. Score 1 - 0
7) the next woman comes on and we have this awkward ghost pick up line. He then exposes himself to win the number with his large member
next stop: Candy comes on and we get this weird wild story about how she's losing her kid
9) Finally the elevator ride ends and the cops are waiting outside.

Was this an elevator ride or a bus trip from Boston to Philly? Look, this isn't the only writer to impossibly lengthen the elevator ride. One writer here tried to overcome this problem by putting the story in the future and making the elevator have like hundreds and hundreds of floors. Another writer had a power outage. And with another the elevator turned out to be imaginary.

I don't want to pick on the writer, it's on OWC, no one expects too much from these. It's hit and miss. It just seemed kind of crazy to me to have all this happen on one ride, Candy's hustle was ludicrous, the jokes overall were flat, and the whole scenario has been done before in the movie Dirty Rotten Scoundrels with Steve Martin and Michael Caine. In that film, Caine plays the veteran hustler, Martin is the wannabe, and eventually they battle over some chick they think is rich, and she herself turns out to be a hustler.

I think maybe this idea could be changed after the OWC to a different setting and might work better. For example, the long bus ride. Here's something to consider though: if we don't care much about either character, and no effort is made to make us care about either here, then we at least might be interested in the outcome of the contest. This worked very well in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. But to make that work, you have to show Bryan has some way to compete with the pick up artist. It has to be a battle that either could win, which would keep us curious. And no, a big dick is not interesting enough or enough to make us think he can win.

And the hustle played by Candy has to be made believable.

And the cops waiting at the end? That just has to go. Maybe show her get in some expensive car. I don't know. She's a small time hustler, not Lex Luther who the cops have brought in SWAT for.

It's good to give a script a second shot, and I was hoping to be able to correct my first review. It just didn't work out. There's been enough love for this script that I'm sure the writer won't be hurt by this review. Just pretend I'm a red head!


I said elsewhere, but, I envisioned the elevators in Vegas.  They do have stuff playing on them.  They do take a while to go from one place to the other.  So, that part isn't too far fetched.

I didn't like the story b/c it wasn't my type of story.

But, there are elevators that do have those in them.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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nawazm11
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 6:19am Report to Moderator
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Props to you for keeping it all contained in an elevator, some good dialogue and banter here, solid work, not sure if I'm a fan of the ending but there wasn't a lot you could do with a story like this. One of the better entries, that's for sure, not a lot to say here. I'm surprised Jeff dropped out so early, thought he had something to do with the script, but I guess not. Good job.
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DS
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I enjoyed this one. Sure, it's juvenile, but it was pretty clear to me that it never intended to be a smart comedy and was taking a dig at the "bro culture" as a whole. Take a seat back, turn your thoughts off and take the script for what it is and I think it'll be enjoyable.

I didn't mind the park scene, it happened on a screen while it was being watched in an elevator, didn't overstay its welcome and it was a good introduction to the script and Saturn's character. I enjoyed the banter and didn't necessarily mind Bryan not being "on par" with Saturn as there were plenty of jokes that worked because of it. Although if Bryan was less socially inept, it could also be a very entertaining choice. Maybe even work better.

JSimon mentioned the length of the elevator ride. I think it's been much worse for other scripts. The script is made into sections and it makes a lot more sense to me that they both decided to hang around the elevator for someone to board it. That way with every new section, they're on a different ride, instead of it all happening during one long ride.

The potato salad gag didn't work for me at all and I'm also 50/50 whether Candy worked for me or not, but the way I see it, this is well done and has a footing even without the OWC. Extra points from me for going for something different as well. Well, not universally different, but for what one would expect for the OWC.
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stevemiles
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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‘...gawking HORNBALLS.’ like lecherous guys?  I’m guessing.  I like this description, though clarity goes a long way.

Bryan’s initial bet was to see if Saturn was a fraud -- yet then they go head-to-head to see who can get the most numbers?  This whole angle felt unfocused -- muddied more with the appearance of Candy.  

Found myself warming to Saturn -- a sleaze, but professional at least.  Hit and miss on the gags.  ‘Everyone in the room is your wingman.’  Good line.  Pretty sure showing your schlong to a woman on an elevator gets you a number -- just the kind you hold up while they take your picture…

The humour won’t be to everyones’ taste, but it’s an entertaining idea for a short.  I’d suggest working on the bet angle if you come back to this.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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CameronD
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Quoted from stevemiles


Pretty sure showing your schlong to a woman on an elevator gets you a number -- just the kind you hold up while they take your picture…



Now, that was funny.


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Dreamscale
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
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Whether or not the opening is playing on a screen, it still has to be filmed and to film it, you're nowhere near an elevator.  Therein lies the problem and why I bailed so quickly.

If this would be OK, then all you have to do is have someone on an elvator, watching whatever you choose take place on a screen, but don't you think that completely takes away from the parameters of the challenge?


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Max
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I see what you mean Jeff.

You could have somebody watching a movie on the phone, pop into the movie... then pop back out of the movie and have the guy in the elevator be like "Wow, that was a cool film"... then FADE OUT.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 5th, 2015, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
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The Saturn Method

Another great title for today.

I don't see the elevator as expedient to tell this story. There seem to be just women inside the building. On the other side it's the extreme version of the theme you treat with.

I like to follow your story, though I might be a bit too old for the concept. Perhaps this script is also some pages too long for what it is.



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c m hall
Posted: June 5th, 2015, 11:56pm Report to Moderator
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This script is funny in a silly sort of way, the dialogue could work if the male leads have the comic timing --  Groucho Marx as Saturn.  I'd go see it.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 7:09am Report to Moderator
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Dustin
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 7:23am Report to Moderator
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Nice work, was one of my recommends. Mainly because of the talent on show with the writing. You work well together. I couldn't tell that this was done by two writers.


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
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Quoted from Dustin
Nice work, was one of my recommends. Mainly because of the talent on show with the writing. You work well together. I couldn't tell that this was done by two writers.


Thanks Dustin. We have very different styles, infusing the two was fun.

Thanks everyone who read and commented! Steve and I might have enjoyed the reactions to the script more than writing it.

Oh, if I didn't read your script I will soon.

If we had a bit more time to work on this, the likelihood of a different outcome would've been high. An overhaul is in works, the next one will be a 180 from its current version - complete with a pulse. Thanks for the love, hate, and suggestions.

Johnny
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SteveClark
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 10:26am Report to Moderator
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Hi Gang,

Many thanks to everyone who read and commented on our script. My apologies to those I did not read. Anyone I missed, and there are a few, please please pm me and I'll get on it right away.

John came to me like 2 days before this was due. He had 8 pages done, and said, "Here. Write an ending." So my input was mainly the closing, and my original ending was not included. Lets just say that John thought that 2 schlongs being revealed was one too many!

Lots of great advice given. John and I were constantly texting each other throughout. We were both really into this. It was a lot of fun, and yes, a rewrite is soon to come.

Steve


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Gum
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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Henry wrote;

“When I reread this a few days after my initial reading, I realized it is much better than I thought. It's written with flair and humor and arrives at its destination smoothly.”

Hey Johnny, Steven,

I’m going to resonate that quote. The first time I opened this was during the first few days of the OWC brouhaha, and honestly, just skimmed it. But, after another (relaxed) read it has really grown on me. You see, that’s the issue with a dry humor (this is dripping with it, btw); one has to be in the right frame of mind to appreciate its style… like Poutine, lol.

I was constantly reminded of the NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) masters such as Ross Jeffries; that transformed a shadow government, black-op mind f #ck, into an incredibly powerful tool used for unconscious seduction. I think this would have been (even more) unique if you had included some of the ‘voice patterns’ they use as a brute force attack on a woman’s primal instinct. Cause unless it’s done correctly, actually just comes off as hilarious self deprecating humor.

As well, the breaking of the fourth (wall) works well for me. Although viewers never see the camera, it’s a universally unconscious part of any type of media interaction, and when it happens unexpectedly (such as here) can quickly tear away the gossamer that separates the audience from the piece itself. That little stunt at the beginning actually immersed me more into the character interactions, and I found myself wanting one up each of them on a pick up line as if I was in the elevator myself.

I think you took a stab at a fresh (yet underappreciated) style of delivery within these pages. Nothing too radical (meaning fourth wall interaction isn’t new), but that interruption in my flow of consciousness during the read was just enough to notice something clicked in my head to ‘perk up’… so to speak.  Because without the (unconscious) audience participation in this script, I don’t think it would have had the same ‘Punch’ that it delivered.

But I don’t think I need to be telling you this; you’re the ones who actually ‘Know’ how to write a working script. There are some cool, suave styles at work here; feeding us some funny, clever scenarios. Great work guys!


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SteveClark
Lets just say that John thought that 2 schlongs being revealed was one too many!


I'm still in amazement when we revealed our "rounds" to each other, we both wrote about dicks.

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SteveClark
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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Right. As I recall, my round (the ending), was the climax.


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SteveClark
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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Canis,

Thanks so much for the kind words!

This suave kind of writing you mention is John's really. He had a very unique voice, to say the least. The amazing thing to me was he was able to take my writing style and match it seamlessly into the story. All except my original ending, that is!

But John, did we break the fourth wall in this? Maybe with the infomercial.


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SteveClark
All except my original ending, that is!


We definitely should have cut my dick off and used yours.  
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SteveClark
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo


We definitely should have cut my dick off and used yours.  


Yeah. I think mine just added a little more meat to the story.


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Gum
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Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo
I'm still in amazement when we revealed our "rounds" to each other, we both wrote about dicks.


LOL, you guys should change the working title to ' Brokeback Elevator'.


Quoted from SteveClark
This suave kind of writing you mention is John's really. He had a very unique voice, to say the least...



Johnny IS the suave, and he has a SS Mug to prove it!


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Max
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StevenClark stepping in like a boss and ghost-writing that ending, booyah!

It's always nice to create something on your own, but when you partner up with somebody, surely it's twice the fun?

Great job on this one either way.

I wasn't too sure about the infomercial because essentially, you could have someone look at their phone and watch an entire movie... then come back to the elevator.

At what point does it break the rules of the challenge so to speak? Either way, Saturn Method, big up!


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SteveClark
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 6:53pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Max! Very happy you liked it.

I didn't realize we'd broken the rules, but the way Johnny showed the infomercial it was from the actual scene, not really him watching it in the elevator. Although that's essentially what was going on. I think technically the rules were broken, but it's arguable.

What was fun about this was the back and forth we had going on, hinging on every new post. We both had a nice laugh when Jeff bailed!

It was also fun to write what I did, then get the email back from John saying we had a conflict, hereby known as The Double Schlong Situation. I left it up to him to fix that, however.


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Max
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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There was a LOL moment when Saturn said...

"The secret? Ava here, along with
every female on this planet, are
sluts."


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
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Quoted from Max


"The secret? Ava here, along with
every female on this planet, are
sluts."


The thought behind that was to establish Saturn as a douchebag and then when we meet him, kinda make him a decent guy. I never meant for Bryan to be a sleaze, that just sort of happened.


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Dustin
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Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo

I never meant for Bryan to be a sleaze, that just sort of happened.




Blame it on Steven, mate.


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SteveClark
Posted: August 4th, 2015, 9:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Gang,

So, this is a rewrite of mine and John's May OWC short. Pretty polarizing was the original version. So I rewrote it, as John is away at the moment. I reinstalled my original ending here, and changed Round 2 around so it wouldn't mirror the end. John says it still needs some work, I agree. Just curious what some of you thought. Thanks!

Steve


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Colkurtz8
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Steven

SATURN
Whatever. The secret is that Anna
here, along with every female on the
planet, are sluts.

- Ha, this is very Frank T.J. Mackey. Let me guess, Saturn has some serious unresolved father issues

SATURN (cont'd)
But for just three easy
payments of $99.99

- Sh?t, that’s pricey.

BRYAN
I'm Bryan. Yo, I'm a huge fan of what
you do for us bros.

- I love the blatant mixed messages Bryan is sending here. At first I thought he saw Saturn as the "tool" he is but obviously he (not so) secretly admires him.

“Saturn slips off his wedding band. Bryan catches it, shakes
his head - tsk-tsk. Saturn slides it back on.”

- Woah, now that is a challenge. It provides an amusing beat here in the action but I thought it would've been one of the first things addressed in the preceding scene when they were laying out the ground rules.

BRYAN
Excuse me. Are you free tonight or is
it gonna cost me?

- This guy is way off the mark. It seems Bryan needs more help than Saturn could ever give him.

VERONICA
Sir, I'm requesting you step out of my
personal space.

- Ha.

BRYAN
So, how do you like your eggs in the
morning? Fertilized or unfertilized?

She throws her head back and howls with laughter. She wipes a
tear from her eye. Even snorts.

- Nice twist there in having Bryan save the situation by upping the obnoxious factor. So, on the contrary, he probably doesn't need Saturn's help at all.

SATURN
No dice. We agreed no redheads.

- Ha, poor gingers always get it tight.

BRYAN
I'm conceding defeat, you feebleminded
bag of douche.

- How can he call him "feeble minded" when he is the one whose quitting?

SATURN
Three hundred and a half-hour boot
camp session.

- What does he mean by "Boot camp session"?
Saturn throws his arms up.

CANDY
Which one?

BRYAN
No shit?

- So how exactly is Saturn helping him score her? By just offering the "tone it down" advice? Easiest 300 hundred he'll ever make.

“Saturn rushes over.”

- How big is this elevator?

CANDY
No. It's all my fault. My ex kept me
addicted to heroin throughout my
pregnancy. I thought he was gonna kill
us. He was a monster, but now...

- Yeesh, a little bit too much information there, dear.

“She begrudgingly accepts the cash, slides it down her blouse
and tucks it away. A hint of spectacular breast.”

- Ok, red flags are up, I'm anticipating she is scamming them.
“Higher, higher until... A fat, crooked, uncircumsized PENIS
flops out.”

- Yikes, I didn't see that coming.

I enjoyed the un-PC humour of this in light of an ever stifling PC world. It’s crass, cheap, offensive and blatantly misogynistic but done in a knowing way. I never thought you were ever championing these two guys as both really are as bad as each other. In fact I'd nearly prefer to share an elevator with a schlong wielding redheaded woman then those two a?sholes.

The premise here for a single location (park scene non-withstanding) is a solid one to mine laughs and I liked its Scott Pilgrim Vs the World-like structure even if I didn't like that film itself, it suits this scenario perfectly.

So while I did respond to the setup, characterization, tone and humour in parts and was enjoying the read overall I think it really loses its way in those last pages, specifically when said schlong makes its appearance. I'm guessing this is the source of divisiveness you were talking about?

It was too silly and crude for my tastes. Not that I'm easily offended, it just seemed like it was done to shock us, nothing more. It didn't make much sense particularly in how you describe Candy. It felt unfairly misleading. I appreciate you want Byran and Saturn to get their comeuppance and Candy scamming them is one way to do it as you've written it, even if it was a little predictable with the timing of the phone call, questionable medical condition, etc but taking it in the direction you did cheapened it and undermined an otherwise sharp and clever piece.

Also, as it’s such a departure from your other stuff (in both good and bad ways) I’d be remiss not to wonder how much input you had in the collaboration. Please tell me Mr. Robbins was responsible for that fat, crooked, uncircumcised thing

Col.  


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SteveClark
Posted: August 23rd, 2015, 7:42pm Report to Moderator
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Col,

Thanks for the read. Yeah, TJ Mackey was the first character I thought of when this was sent to me!
The upping the obnoxious factor was a rewrite of the original. The original had an entirely different scenario so I'm glad this worked for you.

As far as being misleading with Candy I'm not sure what you mean by "unfairly. " We needed her to be a hottie in order to make this particular ending work. But I agree, as well as my writing partner, that its missing something at the end. With the OWC we didn't have time to cleverly plot their comeuppance strategically, as well as giving it a much better twist. I mean, it is a twist, but I agree it's kinda cheesy. But it wasn't done for shock really, just maybe to scare theliving day lights outta these two creeps.

And yes, that ending was mine!  

Steve


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