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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Kill Switch - OWC
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  Author    The Kill Switch - OWC  (currently 2568 views)
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:29pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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The Kill Switch by 0 - Short, Action, Thriller - A private detective break all the laws to save the love of his life from a secret organization. 7 pages - pdf, format

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Posted: May 24th, 2015, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
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Reminded me a little of Kill Bill with a dash of Sin City with the fast paced action and the VO.

There's a surreal element to it with the unelievability of the action/set-up... but I quite liked that and I'm intrigued to understand more of what's on the mysterious floor seventeen and a half.

I liked it


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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Posted: May 24th, 2015, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


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I liked this as well and yeah... Anthony is right about that Sin City vibe, Clive Owen's character right? It does have that feel.

You got creative with the elevator, having it move sideways... a UV pen and some codes in a notepad? That's pretty cool right there.

I also liked the maid with the sword and how the dialogue led into that little fight sequence.

I liked the OFF SCREEN choice by the way, all the shooting... the bad guys... all of it "off" screen, so we can only imagine what's happening. I could picture WHITE FLASHES in the elevator as all this happening.

You brought the action and that's a tough thing to do when the whole thing has to be set inside an elevator.

I thought this script was full of creativity, someone who is obviously a big fan of this type of action.

It was cool, a lot to play around with here if you were to extend it out and flesh out the back-story of the whole thing.

I think you're capable of writing better than this tho, there's a few typos here and there and I would've worded some things a bit differently.

Well done brother, another solid effort... a lot of them in this OWC.

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Posted: May 24th, 2015, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Over there.
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SPOILERS ahead probably. Hmm, make that very.

Interesting turns of phrase in this one.

They lost me with this one though "She shrugs, then demands 7."

At first I thought, we're in a lift, so she must be demanding a floor. Eh? How do you demand a particular floor? By the end of the page this was the least of my worries.

It's hard to describe action well, particularly in such small confines, but it wasn't a bad attempt.

I did like "He looks like a BOB." I'm still smirking about it now.

The seventeen and a half reminds me of Being John Malkovich, as it played such a big part in it. Still, we'll let that go.


I kept getting lost. Sometimes I'd read a page then realise I didn't get any of it. I may come back to this one, as I may be in the wrong mood.


Out Of Character - updated

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Posted: May 25th, 2015, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

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I think you should clean it up.

I'd remove "flashback" next to Alessa's voice. And she talks too much, I think. I thik you need to make her talk to the point but deffinitely have less of it. And have less of Luca's VO.
What's "he looks like Bob"?
All the Mr's at the end confused me.
And who was trying to kill Luca when he held Bob as a windsheild?

Some of the sentences in this should end with a question mark as they are questions - you'll catch them easily on another read.

It was interesting but I had a few questions left unanswered.
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Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Killing villains since 1980!

Buffalo NY
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I found it pretty good.  I don't think it'd be cheap to shoot, which was my biggest issue.

Some of the dialog seemed pretty bad,  and a few typos.

I wanted to know more, and I wanted to know if he's gonna live.  And he isn't a PI.  He's like some warrior or something.


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I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

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Posted: May 25th, 2015, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
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Southern California
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Not sure what to say.

I do think it is well written other than this passage:

Quoted Text
A super epic combat plays out in front of our eyes within the
confinement of the elevator car.

A bit of a shortcut in my view.

I was intrigued right up through the sword battle - then IMO this went off the rails a bit. It is hard to critique in some respects because there is nothing wrong with the writing - it's just that the talent is used to tell a tale that I didn't really care for. This is not my favorite genre - so I will chalk it up to that. I will give it a re-read later.

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Posted: May 26th, 2015, 6:17am Report to Moderator
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Think you were onto something here.  Having the action O.S. was a nice touch, think you could’ve built on that idea throughout -- upping the ante each time.

The stakes were clear, though I can’t say I had much investment in Luca.  Not sure what he was really up against or why, which is where this could’ve been improved.

A sword in an elevator?  Rookie move.  

‘Luca produces a feet-tall, well-oiled revolver.’

Perhaps a ‘foot long’ would be better or how about a ‘large caliber revolver’ or simply ‘huge revolver’.  Is it important we know it’s well oiled?

All the codes written in a little notebook was too convenient.  Not the smartest these assassin/goons, but I respect there’s constraints.  I actually do the same -- passwords for everything these days...

Watch out for redundancies in action.  Here it’s a given he’s standing on his feet:

‘Luca strains to stand on his feet.’

Could be:

‘Luca strains (struggles?) to stand’

Never seen (FLASHBACK) for V.O. before.  It seems unnecessary as a V.O. like this is dislocated in time from the scene anyway, kind of self explanatory.  That and running it alongside the (V.O.) (FLASHBACK) (CONT’D) makes for one busy looking line.  I’m pretty sure (CONT’D) are largely seen as redundant these days unless you’re continuing on a new page.

My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
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Posted: May 26th, 2015, 9:42am Report to Moderator
Been Around

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This has a FAREWELL MY LOVELY flair where the guy has to find a babe.  Works for me, although the writing needs work.  Luca finds the real code too easily for my taste, but that's me.  The fights are good and the action off screen.  The V.O.s didn't do it for me.  

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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 4:34pm Report to Moderator

The Swamp...
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You might want to start with OVER BLACK: or any other color of course, before you start with the V.O.

The way you describe the Tall Man is exactly like JSimon's avatar!  

All right! Sword fighting!

The Maid is a sword master, but somehow this "old detective" can dodge her swings?

Call sign for F is Foxtrot, not Ford...

A feet-tall revolver? A foot long, maybe...

Like the sideways going elevator.

Over the top and I really wasn't quite sure what was going on here, but there were definitely some cool elements to this story that I liked.

Not sure what to offer up as far as suggestions to improve. Maybe just to make it a little more clear as to what is going on and who all these characters are.

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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 8:24am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Part time writer

The Island of Jersey
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I can't work out whether this is a rushed job, a regular throwing in a load of errors - eg off centre dialogue, using off camera rather than off screen, and obvious word corrections- or someone new.

I agree with a comment above that action is harder than it seems to write and this worked, if you remember this is afilm where we suspend disbelief.

Like a script I've just read is feels part of something larger.

All the best

My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
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Posted: May 27th, 2015, 11:17am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Yes, that is my real hair...

Cave Creek, AZ
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Logline has an error...never a good sign.

Opening is very poorly done - Needs to be OVER BLACK or the like and who's speaking?

"FADE TO:"???????

Opening passage very awkwardly written. This 4 line description should be no more than 2.

OK, I'm sensing I'm about to get pissy in what I say and how I say it, so I better get out now.  I'm not sure if this is meant to be serious or not, as the lines are so awkward, missing words/letters, or just so over the top goofy.  Maybe I just need to be in a different mood to read this the way it's intended.

Just for the record, this is what drove me away - "A super epic combat  plays out in front of our eyes within the confinement of the elevator car. The maid is a sword master.  But Luca is way faster." - Is this meant to be a serious passage?  In all honesty, I've read and written pissers that have such lines.  Bottom line is that such a passage is never, ever going to work in a script.

Sorry, I'm out.

To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Posted: May 27th, 2015, 11:40am Report to Moderator

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I recently watched an interview with Tarantino(it's on youtube, the one with Rodriquez). He talks about how he had been taking actin classes for years and never really though about writing. But he would be watching these old B type action films from the 70s and he would imagine how the scene could be done better. And then in acting class he started doing the same thing, adding his own dialogue to scenes they were doing from well known scripts.

The writing here feels kind of like that, where the writer is just starting to play around with scenes in his head. That's ok, that's a good start! And you had the courage to put your work out here.

But here's a thing that you are probably now realizing: the challenge is for a short, not a scene sequence. And no matter how cool you make a scene sequence, because it lacks narrative elements of storytelling it won't hold people's attention well. Everything that goes into a feature length film usually goes into a short: a set up, a character we want see what happens to, maybe a character we care about. Here you have a rescue story, so that's good...there is a goal for the character, obstacles(sword fighting maids!) that he must overcome, an antagonist. But without giving us a reason to care that this person is rescued or to care whether the hero achieves the goal, it's hard for an audience to follow.

So maybe next time begin with working on a set up that creates these things. Nothing to be discouraged about here, just bring it to the next level and see if it works better.
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Posted: May 28th, 2015, 7:57pm Report to Moderator

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The opening V.O. should be set OVER BLACK?
Not sure if Luca's V.O. is a typo? He's in the same scene so perhaps O.S.?

I struggled with this one, started skim reading early on. It feels like the writing was rushed. I just couldnt connect with the characters or the hectic scene that was taking place.

It's probably a cool idea, and I'm missing something, so good luck.
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Posted: May 28th, 2015, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
Been Around

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Your writing -- it needs work, know why? Because of how it reads, how does it read? Like this.

All jokes aside, don't write like that. You've got this stop start method where we chug back and forth and it breaks all the flow in the story. Read a few pro scripts, notice how they introduce their characters and then blend them into the action?

What's with the voiceover flashback? Very random.

Oh, man, the whole script is just really convoluted and confusing, which is a shame too since it felt like there was a good, gritty concept at play here. The story needs to be sorted out into a steady narrative, right now, it kind of just goes along without much flow, almost like you're making it up on the spot. I do think this could be good, but right now, it doesn't work at all in any way -- except maybe the ending which I quite liked.
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