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I liked this as well and yeah... Anthony is right about that Sin City vibe, Clive Owen's character right? It does have that feel.
You got creative with the elevator, having it move sideways... a UV pen and some codes in a notepad? That's pretty cool right there.
I also liked the maid with the sword and how the dialogue led into that little fight sequence.
I liked the OFF SCREEN choice by the way, all the shooting... the bad guys... all of it "off" screen, so we can only imagine what's happening. I could picture WHITE FLASHES in the elevator as all this happening.
You brought the action and that's a tough thing to do when the whole thing has to be set inside an elevator.
I thought this script was full of creativity, someone who is obviously a big fan of this type of action.
It was cool, a lot to play around with here if you were to extend it out and flesh out the back-story of the whole thing.
I think you're capable of writing better than this tho, there's a few typos here and there and I would've worded some things a bit differently.
Well done brother, another solid effort... a lot of them in this OWC.
I'd remove "flashback" next to Alessa's voice. And she talks too much, I think. I thik you need to make her talk to the point but deffinitely have less of it. And have less of Luca's VO. What's "he looks like Bob"? All the Mr's at the end confused me. And who was trying to kill Luca when he held Bob as a windsheild?
Some of the sentences in this should end with a question mark as they are questions - you'll catch them easily on another read.
It was interesting but I had a few questions left unanswered.
I do think it is well written other than this passage:
A super epic combat plays out in front of our eyes within the confinement of the elevator car.
A bit of a shortcut in my view.
I was intrigued right up through the sword battle - then IMO this went off the rails a bit. It is hard to critique in some respects because there is nothing wrong with the writing - it's just that the talent is used to tell a tale that I didn't really care for. This is not my favorite genre - so I will chalk it up to that. I will give it a re-read later.
Think you were onto something here. Having the action O.S. was a nice touch, think you could’ve built on that idea throughout -- upping the ante each time.
The stakes were clear, though I can’t say I had much investment in Luca. Not sure what he was really up against or why, which is where this could’ve been improved.
A sword in an elevator? Rookie move.
‘Luca produces a feet-tall, well-oiled revolver.’
Perhaps a ‘foot long’ would be better or how about a ‘large caliber revolver’ or simply ‘huge revolver’. Is it important we know it’s well oiled?
All the codes written in a little notebook was too convenient. Not the smartest these assassin/goons, but I respect there’s constraints. I actually do the same -- passwords for everything these days...
Watch out for redundancies in action. Here it’s a given he’s standing on his feet:
‘Luca strains to stand on his feet.’
‘Luca strains (struggles?) to stand’
Never seen (FLASHBACK) for V.O. before. It seems unnecessary as a V.O. like this is dislocated in time from the scene anyway, kind of self explanatory. That and running it alongside the (V.O.) (FLASHBACK) (CONT’D) makes for one busy looking line. I’m pretty sure (CONT’D) are largely seen as redundant these days unless you’re continuing on a new page.
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
This has a FAREWELL MY LOVELY flair where the guy has to find a babe. Works for me, although the writing needs work. Luca finds the real code too easily for my taste, but that's me. The fights are good and the action off screen. The V.O.s didn't do it for me.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Opening is very poorly done - Needs to be OVER BLACK or the like and who's speaking?
Opening passage very awkwardly written. This 4 line description should be no more than 2.
OK, I'm sensing I'm about to get pissy in what I say and how I say it, so I better get out now. I'm not sure if this is meant to be serious or not, as the lines are so awkward, missing words/letters, or just so over the top goofy. Maybe I just need to be in a different mood to read this the way it's intended.
Just for the record, this is what drove me away - "A super epic combat plays out in front of our eyes within the confinement of the elevator car. The maid is a sword master. But Luca is way faster." - Is this meant to be a serious passage? In all honesty, I've read and written pissers that have such lines. Bottom line is that such a passage is never, ever going to work in a script.
Sorry, I'm out.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
I recently watched an interview with Tarantino(it's on youtube, the one with Rodriquez). He talks about how he had been taking actin classes for years and never really though about writing. But he would be watching these old B type action films from the 70s and he would imagine how the scene could be done better. And then in acting class he started doing the same thing, adding his own dialogue to scenes they were doing from well known scripts.
The writing here feels kind of like that, where the writer is just starting to play around with scenes in his head. That's ok, that's a good start! And you had the courage to put your work out here.
But here's a thing that you are probably now realizing: the challenge is for a short, not a scene sequence. And no matter how cool you make a scene sequence, because it lacks narrative elements of storytelling it won't hold people's attention well. Everything that goes into a feature length film usually goes into a short: a set up, a character we want see what happens to, maybe a character we care about. Here you have a rescue story, so that's good...there is a goal for the character, obstacles(sword fighting maids!) that he must overcome, an antagonist. But without giving us a reason to care that this person is rescued or to care whether the hero achieves the goal, it's hard for an audience to follow.
So maybe next time begin with working on a set up that creates these things. Nothing to be discouraged about here, just bring it to the next level and see if it works better.
Your writing -- it needs work, know why? Because of how it reads, how does it read? Like this.
All jokes aside, don't write like that. You've got this stop start method where we chug back and forth and it breaks all the flow in the story. Read a few pro scripts, notice how they introduce their characters and then blend them into the action?
What's with the voiceover flashback? Very random.
Oh, man, the whole script is just really convoluted and confusing, which is a shame too since it felt like there was a good, gritty concept at play here. The story needs to be sorted out into a steady narrative, right now, it kind of just goes along without much flow, almost like you're making it up on the spot. I do think this could be good, but right now, it doesn't work at all in any way -- except maybe the ending which I quite liked.