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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Kill Switch - OWC
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  Author    The Kill Switch - OWC  (currently 2567 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Kill Switch by 0 - Short, Action, Thriller - A private detective break all the laws to save the love of his life from a secret organization. 7 pages - pdf, format


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
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Reminded me a little of Kill Bill with a dash of Sin City with the fast paced action and the VO.

There's a surreal element to it with the unelievability of the action/set-up... but I quite liked that and I'm intrigued to understand more of what's on the mysterious floor seventeen and a half.

I liked it

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Max
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this as well and yeah... Anthony is right about that Sin City vibe, Clive Owen's character right? It does have that feel.

You got creative with the elevator, having it move sideways... a UV pen and some codes in a notepad? That's pretty cool right there.

I also liked the maid with the sword and how the dialogue led into that little fight sequence.

I liked the OFF SCREEN choice by the way, all the shooting... the bad guys... all of it "off" screen, so we can only imagine what's happening. I could picture WHITE FLASHES in the elevator as all this happening.

You brought the action and that's a tough thing to do when the whole thing has to be set inside an elevator.

I thought this script was full of creativity, someone who is obviously a big fan of this type of action.

It was cool, a lot to play around with here if you were to extend it out and flesh out the back-story of the whole thing.

I think you're capable of writing better than this tho, there's a few typos here and there and I would've worded some things a bit differently.

Well done brother, another solid effort... a lot of them in this OWC.


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rendevous
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS ahead probably. Hmm, make that very.

Interesting turns of phrase in this one.

They lost me with this one though "She shrugs, then demands 7."

At first I thought, we're in a lift, so she must be demanding a floor. Eh? How do you demand a particular floor? By the end of the page this was the least of my worries.

It's hard to describe action well, particularly in such small confines, but it wasn't a bad attempt.

I did like "He looks like a BOB." I'm still smirking about it now.

The seventeen and a half reminds me of Being John Malkovich, as it played such a big part in it. Still, we'll let that go.

End of SPOILERS.

I kept getting lost. Sometimes I'd read a page then realise I didn't get any of it. I may come back to this one, as I may be in the wrong mood.

R


Out Of Character - updated


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khamanna
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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I think you should clean it up.

I'd remove "flashback" next to Alessa's voice. And she talks too much, I think. I thik you need to make her talk to the point but deffinitely have less of it. And have less of Luca's VO.
What's "he looks like Bob"?
All the Mr's at the end confused me.
And who was trying to kill Luca when he held Bob as a windsheild?

Some of the sentences in this should end with a question mark as they are questions - you'll catch them easily on another read.

It was interesting but I had a few questions left unanswered.
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DanC
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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I found it pretty good.  I don't think it'd be cheap to shoot, which was my biggest issue.

Some of the dialog seemed pretty bad,  and a few typos.

I wanted to know more, and I wanted to know if he's gonna live.  And he isn't a PI.  He's like some warrior or something.

6/10


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eldave1
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm.

Not sure what to say.

I do think it is well written other than this passage:


Quoted Text
A super epic combat plays out in front of our eyes within the
confinement of the elevator car.


A bit of a shortcut in my view.

I was intrigued right up through the sword battle - then IMO this went off the rails a bit. It is hard to critique in some respects because there is nothing wrong with the writing - it's just that the talent is used to tell a tale that I didn't really care for. This is not my favorite genre - so I will chalk it up to that. I will give it a re-read later.


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stevemiles
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 6:17am Report to Moderator
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Think you were onto something here.  Having the action O.S. was a nice touch, think you could’ve built on that idea throughout -- upping the ante each time.

The stakes were clear, though I can’t say I had much investment in Luca.  Not sure what he was really up against or why, which is where this could’ve been improved.

A sword in an elevator?  Rookie move.  

‘Luca produces a feet-tall, well-oiled revolver.’

Perhaps a ‘foot long’ would be better or how about a ‘large caliber revolver’ or simply ‘huge revolver’.  Is it important we know it’s well oiled?

All the codes written in a little notebook was too convenient.  Not the smartest these assassin/goons, but I respect there’s constraints.  I actually do the same -- passwords for everything these days...

Watch out for redundancies in action.  Here it’s a given he’s standing on his feet:

‘Luca strains to stand on his feet.’

Could be:

‘Luca strains (struggles?) to stand’

Never seen (FLASHBACK) for V.O. before.  It seems unnecessary as a V.O. like this is dislocated in time from the scene anyway, kind of self explanatory.  That and running it alongside the (V.O.) (FLASHBACK) (CONT’D) makes for one busy looking line.  I’m pretty sure (CONT’D) are largely seen as redundant these days unless you’re continuing on a new page.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 9:42am Report to Moderator
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This has a FAREWELL MY LOVELY flair where the guy has to find a babe.  Works for me, although the writing needs work.  Luca finds the real code too easily for my taste, but that's me.  The fights are good and the action off screen.  The V.O.s didn't do it for me.  

Best
Richard
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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You might want to start with OVER BLACK: or any other color of course, before you start with the V.O.

The way you describe the Tall Man is exactly like JSimon's avatar!  

All right! Sword fighting!

The Maid is a sword master, but somehow this "old detective" can dodge her swings?

Call sign for F is Foxtrot, not Ford...

A feet-tall revolver? A foot long, maybe...

Like the sideways going elevator.

Over the top and I really wasn't quite sure what was going on here, but there were definitely some cool elements to this story that I liked.

Not sure what to offer up as far as suggestions to improve. Maybe just to make it a little more clear as to what is going on and who all these characters are.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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I can't work out whether this is a rushed job, a regular throwing in a load of errors - eg off centre dialogue, using off camera rather than off screen, and obvious word corrections- or someone new.

I agree with a comment above that action is harder than it seems to write and this worked, if you remember this is afilm where we suspend disbelief.

Like a script I've just read is feels part of something larger.

All the best


My scripts  HERE

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Dreamscale
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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Logline has an error...never a good sign.

Opening is very poorly done - Needs to be OVER BLACK or the like and who's speaking?

"FADE TO:"???????

Opening passage very awkwardly written. This 4 line description should be no more than 2.

OK, I'm sensing I'm about to get pissy in what I say and how I say it, so I better get out now.  I'm not sure if this is meant to be serious or not, as the lines are so awkward, missing words/letters, or just so over the top goofy.  Maybe I just need to be in a different mood to read this the way it's intended.

Just for the record, this is what drove me away - "A super epic combat  plays out in front of our eyes within the confinement of the elevator car. The maid is a sword master.  But Luca is way faster." - Is this meant to be a serious passage?  In all honesty, I've read and written pissers that have such lines.  Bottom line is that such a passage is never, ever going to work in a script.

Sorry, I'm out.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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JSimon
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 11:40am Report to Moderator
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I recently watched an interview with Tarantino(it's on youtube, the one with Rodriquez). He talks about how he had been taking actin classes for years and never really though about writing. But he would be watching these old B type action films from the 70s and he would imagine how the scene could be done better. And then in acting class he started doing the same thing, adding his own dialogue to scenes they were doing from well known scripts.

The writing here feels kind of like that, where the writer is just starting to play around with scenes in his head. That's ok, that's a good start! And you had the courage to put your work out here.

But here's a thing that you are probably now realizing: the challenge is for a short, not a scene sequence. And no matter how cool you make a scene sequence, because it lacks narrative elements of storytelling it won't hold people's attention well. Everything that goes into a feature length film usually goes into a short: a set up, a character we want see what happens to, maybe a character we care about. Here you have a rescue story, so that's good...there is a goal for the character, obstacles(sword fighting maids!) that he must overcome, an antagonist. But without giving us a reason to care that this person is rescued or to care whether the hero achieves the goal, it's hard for an audience to follow.

So maybe next time begin with working on a set up that creates these things. Nothing to be discouraged about here, just bring it to the next level and see if it works better.
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SteveDiablo
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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The opening V.O. should be set OVER BLACK?
Not sure if Luca's V.O. is a typo? He's in the same scene so perhaps O.S.?

I struggled with this one, started skim reading early on. It feels like the writing was rushed. I just couldnt connect with the characters or the hectic scene that was taking place.

It's probably a cool idea, and I'm missing something, so good luck.
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nawazm11
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
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Your writing -- it needs work, know why? Because of how it reads, how does it read? Like this.

All jokes aside, don't write like that. You've got this stop start method where we chug back and forth and it breaks all the flow in the story. Read a few pro scripts, notice how they introduce their characters and then blend them into the action?

What's with the voiceover flashback? Very random.

Oh, man, the whole script is just really convoluted and confusing, which is a shame too since it felt like there was a good, gritty concept at play here. The story needs to be sorted out into a steady narrative, right now, it kind of just goes along without much flow, almost like you're making it up on the spot. I do think this could be good, but right now, it doesn't work at all in any way -- except maybe the ending which I quite liked.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 7:30am Report to Moderator
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At times I thought this was a seasoned writer doing a pisser, at others it seemed like a newish writer trying some things out. I don’t know which is which so I ‘ll just say what I think.

Plays out very much like a series of scenes from a Spy Kids movie (with more gore and crushed eyeballs) – lots of fun OTT action that don’t make much sense but is entertaining regardless. Budget wise this is not shoestring by a shoemile.

I did like the bit where he got the codes out of Bob. I particularly liked this line: ‘People breathe air. They breathe lies.’

I also liked the inventive names for the nameless goons lol. I do agree with some of the other comments, the flashback VO’s didn’t work.

If this is a newer writer, well done as you’ve got a knack for crazy action capers. Just work on making it a more rounded story and writing in a more screenplay’ish way.  If this is a vet of the forums taking the piss, well done as it was entertaining.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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cloroxmartini
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 7:49am Report to Moderator
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French kissing snakes, nice.

Good action and you play the reason why Luca does what he does and the brutal way he does it. Pretty cool.
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Dustin
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 3:01am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Your first action block gives you away as a novice writer. I should probably explain.

Code

A tall man in a black coat, a matching panama hat, and
leather gloves, stands inside. Grief and anger has mapped his
face. His eyes, though, remain uncharted. The name is LUCA.
He's 43.



It's overwritten. I also don't see how his face can be mapped with grief and anger yet his eyes remain uncharted. We already know we are inside an elevator, so alerting us to the fact that he is inside is unnecessary. There's also an unnecessary comma after panama hat.


I read most of it, skipped a little too. I found it too much action for an elevator.

4 out of 10.



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Dreamscale
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 10:40am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from Dustin
There's also an unnecessary comma after panama hat.


Actually, using a comma here is not "incorrect".  Some do and some don't.  It's a choice.

Personally, I always do, as it shows consistency.  Most do not, as they feel the "and" makes it unnecessary.

Did I write this one?  Hell no, but just wanted to point this out, so the writer understands.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Stumpzian
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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This writer offers us a rescue story in which a detective on an elevator ventures into a world of shadows inhabited by people known as Mr. Optimistic, Mr. Wetpants, Mr. Dead, and Bob.

Sounds interesting, right? With an overhaul, it sure could be.

I rolled my eyes when the maid turned her broom into a Samurai sword and engaged in "super epic combat" aboard the elevator. I tripped over all  the V.O.s, V.O. Flashbacks, and V.O. Flashback Cont'ds. I didn't get the reason the maid and, later,  Bob "demand" certain floors when a demand wasn't called for.

Overall, the  script has the feel of something extracted from a longer piece. The writer is adept at the power of suggestion, but the script is too ragged to be effective.



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wonkavite
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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W. T. F.  

I'll actually give this writer lots of credit for an amazingly imaginative setup.  I think this has the potential to be reworked and really be a mindf*ck of a weird LSD type script.

That said, there are of course a number of typos.  And some strange wording "she demands 7" which leads me to think that English isn't this writer's first language (which isn't a slam, mind you - just a theoretical observation.)  The descriptions are a bit clunky and overwritten - but buried in them are some gems (IE: The door opens. As does Lucas' eyes.)

So what do I think of this?  That it isn't ready, but has potential to be mega weird, but (eventually) good. (And obviously part of something far longer.)

Cheers,

--J
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 1st, 2015, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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THE KILL SWITCH

The pictures, as written, felt indirect to me. Two examples:

"A super epic combat plays out in front of our eyes..."
"He hides her body inside the cleaning cart."

Both are strong pictures executed superficial.

Also, I missed the narrative details. This whole technical concept of (V.O.) (FLASHBACK) (CONT’D) isn't nearly as important to me than to get to know more about that Sin City-like world, and to receive a conclusion about the characters' adventure.



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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: June 1st, 2015, 11:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Actually, using a comma here is not "incorrect".


If that one is correct, then explain this one to me bro:

A heavy, old man, in a suit boards the car.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: June 2nd, 2015, 12:03am Report to Moderator
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I agree with Mark, I wasn't sure if this was a pisser or not.

"Grief and anger has mapped his face. His eyes, though, remain uncharted."

The first sentence reads awkward and off key, though I respect the technique. You don't see it too often in screenwriting. The writer uses "mapped" and "uncharted" to join separate ideas. Like emulsification. The problem here is that it's passive with two adjectives masquerading as a subject. That forces the reader to make a comparison between grief and anger. Since both words hold similar weight in connotation, the sentence is strained. Adding "though" to the second sentence doesn't help. I'd recommend combining the two sentences into one.

The first page is riddled with typos, spelling, and grammar errors. Punctuation on page two. I'm trying to visualize what 'demanding a floor' looks like. I've never seen a flashback voice over either. To top that, it follows another voice over.

The errors are consistent throughout the script. The story was okay. This feels like something I would've wrote when I first started. I'll give the writer credit for being creative with a few of the sentences, but the writing doesn't work. If this is a newbie, keep writing - you'll get there!
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 2nd, 2015, 1:17am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo
If that one is correct, then explain this one to me bro:

A heavy, old man, in a suit boards the car.


Uhhh...is this in the script, or a quiz?

no reason for the comma after "man".

And actually, if ones assumes "old man" is a "thing", I wouldn't complain if the comma after "heavy" was gone as well.

Did I pass?



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Dustin
Posted: June 2nd, 2015, 3:11am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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What you're talking about are serial commas and they're only used to aid in clarity. If you can take the comma out and it reads fine, then you have used it wrongly.


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