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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Kill Switch - OWC
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  Author    The Kill Switch - OWC  (currently 2571 views)
MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 7:30am Report to Moderator
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At times I thought this was a seasoned writer doing a pisser, at others it seemed like a newish writer trying some things out. I don’t know which is which so I ‘ll just say what I think.

Plays out very much like a series of scenes from a Spy Kids movie (with more gore and crushed eyeballs) – lots of fun OTT action that don’t make much sense but is entertaining regardless. Budget wise this is not shoestring by a shoemile.

I did like the bit where he got the codes out of Bob. I particularly liked this line: ‘People breathe air. They breathe lies.’

I also liked the inventive names for the nameless goons lol. I do agree with some of the other comments, the flashback VO’s didn’t work.

If this is a newer writer, well done as you’ve got a knack for crazy action capers. Just work on making it a more rounded story and writing in a more screenplay’ish way.  If this is a vet of the forums taking the piss, well done as it was entertaining.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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cloroxmartini
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 7:49am Report to Moderator
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French kissing snakes, nice.

Good action and you play the reason why Luca does what he does and the brutal way he does it. Pretty cool.
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Dustin
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 3:01am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Your first action block gives you away as a novice writer. I should probably explain.

Code

A tall man in a black coat, a matching panama hat, and
leather gloves, stands inside. Grief and anger has mapped his
face. His eyes, though, remain uncharted. The name is LUCA.
He's 43.



It's overwritten. I also don't see how his face can be mapped with grief and anger yet his eyes remain uncharted. We already know we are inside an elevator, so alerting us to the fact that he is inside is unnecessary. There's also an unnecessary comma after panama hat.


I read most of it, skipped a little too. I found it too much action for an elevator.

4 out of 10.



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Dreamscale
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 10:40am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from Dustin
There's also an unnecessary comma after panama hat.


Actually, using a comma here is not "incorrect".  Some do and some don't.  It's a choice.

Personally, I always do, as it shows consistency.  Most do not, as they feel the "and" makes it unnecessary.

Did I write this one?  Hell no, but just wanted to point this out, so the writer understands.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Stumpzian
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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This writer offers us a rescue story in which a detective on an elevator ventures into a world of shadows inhabited by people known as Mr. Optimistic, Mr. Wetpants, Mr. Dead, and Bob.

Sounds interesting, right? With an overhaul, it sure could be.

I rolled my eyes when the maid turned her broom into a Samurai sword and engaged in "super epic combat" aboard the elevator. I tripped over all  the V.O.s, V.O. Flashbacks, and V.O. Flashback Cont'ds. I didn't get the reason the maid and, later,  Bob "demand" certain floors when a demand wasn't called for.

Overall, the  script has the feel of something extracted from a longer piece. The writer is adept at the power of suggestion, but the script is too ragged to be effective.



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wonkavite
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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W. T. F.  

I'll actually give this writer lots of credit for an amazingly imaginative setup.  I think this has the potential to be reworked and really be a mindf*ck of a weird LSD type script.

That said, there are of course a number of typos.  And some strange wording "she demands 7" which leads me to think that English isn't this writer's first language (which isn't a slam, mind you - just a theoretical observation.)  The descriptions are a bit clunky and overwritten - but buried in them are some gems (IE: The door opens. As does Lucas' eyes.)

So what do I think of this?  That it isn't ready, but has potential to be mega weird, but (eventually) good. (And obviously part of something far longer.)

Cheers,

--J
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 1st, 2015, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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THE KILL SWITCH

The pictures, as written, felt indirect to me. Two examples:

"A super epic combat plays out in front of our eyes..."
"He hides her body inside the cleaning cart."

Both are strong pictures executed superficial.

Also, I missed the narrative details. This whole technical concept of (V.O.) (FLASHBACK) (CONT’D) isn't nearly as important to me than to get to know more about that Sin City-like world, and to receive a conclusion about the characters' adventure.



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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: June 1st, 2015, 11:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Actually, using a comma here is not "incorrect".


If that one is correct, then explain this one to me bro:

A heavy, old man, in a suit boards the car.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: June 2nd, 2015, 12:03am Report to Moderator
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I agree with Mark, I wasn't sure if this was a pisser or not.

"Grief and anger has mapped his face. His eyes, though, remain uncharted."

The first sentence reads awkward and off key, though I respect the technique. You don't see it too often in screenwriting. The writer uses "mapped" and "uncharted" to join separate ideas. Like emulsification. The problem here is that it's passive with two adjectives masquerading as a subject. That forces the reader to make a comparison between grief and anger. Since both words hold similar weight in connotation, the sentence is strained. Adding "though" to the second sentence doesn't help. I'd recommend combining the two sentences into one.

The first page is riddled with typos, spelling, and grammar errors. Punctuation on page two. I'm trying to visualize what 'demanding a floor' looks like. I've never seen a flashback voice over either. To top that, it follows another voice over.

The errors are consistent throughout the script. The story was okay. This feels like something I would've wrote when I first started. I'll give the writer credit for being creative with a few of the sentences, but the writing doesn't work. If this is a newbie, keep writing - you'll get there!
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 2nd, 2015, 1:17am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo
If that one is correct, then explain this one to me bro:

A heavy, old man, in a suit boards the car.


Uhhh...is this in the script, or a quiz?

no reason for the comma after "man".

And actually, if ones assumes "old man" is a "thing", I wouldn't complain if the comma after "heavy" was gone as well.

Did I pass?



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Dustin
Posted: June 2nd, 2015, 3:11am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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What you're talking about are serial commas and they're only used to aid in clarity. If you can take the comma out and it reads fine, then you have used it wrongly.


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