Elevator Game by 0 - Short, Horror - Two girls risk supernatural forces when they play the Elevator Game. 6 pages - pdf, format

Went well till the Bunny Man showed up. Well written aside from some overwriting here and there. All those carrots might push the budget up a tad. Of course, carrots are not that expensive. I prefer mine roasted.

It has some comedy value. 5 carrots out of 10.

This review contains SPOILERS:

So they are in the other world and doing the elevator game. I thought the twist - them being in the other world is really good and you can do a lot with it.
I didn't get why they were doing it though. And why the bunny man...
The comedy at the end seems like you switched genres as there was no comedy at the beginning of it.
Game - sounds intriquing and the twist too - I think you could think it through some more.

Good tensioners. Looks like you were after an offbeat ending but couldn't quite make it consistent with the desperate tone that was set. Give it some more thought.

Twisted little tale.  Like the idea of a secret combination to the elevator buttons.  Decent enough build-up and the reveal (and sudden reversal in tone) of the Bunny Man was not at all what I was expecting.    

One niggle would be to include a new slug for the change in location on p.5 -- moving outside the elevator.

A short and smooth read.  Though I liked the horror vibe you were building on, would've been interesting to see where that could've taken you.

Steve

A smooth read.  I didn't find it extremely exciting.  It was overwritten.

It's the Candyman legacy.  I get that.  I just don't see what they achieved.  

I didn't get the end.  

6/10

I looked at this 'Dangerous Elevator Games' and pondered writing a script around it too, but didn't think it had anywhere to go. It appears you thought the same and intro'd The Bunnyman - which is about where I, no offense, tuned out. Is the author who I think it is? Just have to wait and see.

Re the writing, I would have liked more atmosphere/description of the actual elevator and the character inside it. The writing distanced me and I had no real sense of the visuals with regard to what you were depicting i.e., her in the elevator car. Some clumsy formatting here and there too. Still, this is a 'light' entry imh and in the scheme of things not really a 'mug' contender but you definitely had some fun with it. A quick read, despite my gripes. Put a bit more effort in next time.  

Well written.

I thought some of the dialogue was a bit older than what a 16 year old character would say (beckoning comes to mind).

I was going right along with this and then we hit the Bunny Man - did not care for that plot point. I thought it derailed an otherwise worthy tale.

The writer seems to have a bit of trouble with the space bar, in that they could have used it a bit more in spots. Maybe they broke one years ago.

I got a bit tired reading 'on phone' in brackets. (V.O.) would have helped instead.

I wasn't buying it. There's some interesting ideas, but the dialogue needs polishing up, as do the descriptions. The end would need a bit of work as well.

Perhaps I may be being over harsh. If so, my apologies.

It would be cheap to film and you managed to keep it in or around a lift, which is more than can be said for quite a few others.

R  

The bit about the Bunny Man was great. Not what I was expecting, which made it better.

Oh for fucks sake...bunny man.

What next cowboy Sam, madam putz etc

Until that point it lacked depth and connection but it was dynamic. I wanted to know here it was going. Well done.

We where left with why, what will happen, is there a reason.

So, my conclusion is that the lift method, the lift game, has something...but not with bunny boy. Even with a big fat carrot .. Saucy boy.

A connected script from the preious OWC funny!

Well writen, the twist is funny, unexpected and bizarre in equal measure.

Nice

Anthony

This one was going along great until bunny man. Sorry, that didn't work for me. It turned tension into lark.

Best
Richard

The first pisser I've come across, and sadly, I know who wrote this.

All this up and down travel takes time, so unless you're cutting things out and not showing all, it doesn't make any sense.

Lots of spelling errors and at times Sadie is called "Sade"...not sure if that's intential or not.

Finally, I've never heard of the Elevator Game, nor does it seem to make any sense, but who knows.

NO MORE BUNNY MAN, you arsehole!!!  

SPOILERS
Great girls.  I love that Sadie sniffs to clear her head when her courage almost fails.  
And I love the ending.  
The story will engage the audience, many will try to remember the sequence of elevator numbers pushed... and Sadie joins the ranks of folk hero.  Great girl.