The Essentials by Masked Taxi Driver - Short, Drama, Crime - Currently out of work due to the city-wide lockdown, Cameron, struggling to support his family, decides to knock off a local corner grocery. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

**************

Don's edit.  This script received a query request by a director.  The writer has been notified.

Nicely done. I really enjoyed this story with its little twists and turns. Good job, writer.

Some of the formatting I found distracting and unnecessary. No need to have the title card included; it just took away from the read. And kinda funky title page too with the large out-of-spec font. You don't want eyes to roll before people ever read a word of your story.

That said, I still really like this. Good stuff.

Ah right, only thing is I wouldn’t throw Cameron in the logline.  Maybe keep it generic going forward. JMHO. You've got a nice writing style... easy to read, which is always a super plus. It flows  well.  Seen the twist coming, but still enjoyable.  Not going to nit-pick. Sorry for the useless notes.-A

The writing is top-notch for the most part. Crisp - clean - clear.

I wouldn't waste the space on a Title Card

Quoted Text A SHOPPING LIST - Written in black-ink: MILK. BREAD. EGGS. Among other essentials.

Think you need a comma after eggs, not a period.

Quoted Text As the MASKED CASHIER bags the groceries.

I'd give us something in terms of description here. Gender? Age?

Quoted Text In the background, about a block behind them, there’s a commotion in front of the sore they just knocked off.

Store – not sore.

A good one - nice complete story with an arc.

A crisp tale of desperation and murder. I like the different levels of robber--Cameron just wants some groceries, but runs into a more serious robber. It was also a good idea to open and close with an essential worker--one trying to do right and the other operating as a pure criminal.

When I initially read it, I thought the Masked Robber was another random robber that had stepped into the store. I didn't realize until later that he was with the guy behind the counter. I was actually kind of intrigued by that possibility. What if two guys with guns were in a standoff and another armed man walked in?

Is it possible that we could see a little more of the shopkeeper who was killed? What if he is not fully dead and is able to plead a little for his life? That might make his death even more gut-wrenching. Just a thought.

Cool script. Good luck.

Written well in an easy way to follow and get through.

I liked how the story gets worse, and worse, and worse. Not in a story telling way, but how things play out.

Dark humor which I like. If there was no humor, I would have slammed this for being so unrealistic, but this way it works.

A few typos on page 4.

Great job! I enjoyed the ride.

I enjoyed this story – pretty clever twists, although the last one with the cab driver might have been a little too convenient. Still, it was a fun, quick read.  Solid dialogue and action sequences combined with the plot twists make for a very good effort here.

I know you’re going to get reamed by others for the title page thing, which is really the director’s call, so just leave those out in the future.  Didn’t bother me, but I know how others are sticklers for that kind of thing.

Best of luck.

So I was waiting for someone to use the masks in a crime drama...

This is very Tarantino-esque, in the shuffling of one person's arc to another, and in the escalating violence.

Not sure if it could be filmed safely in this current environment - are people still taking taxis in NY? I honestly don't know the answer; I know the subways are running and that's not the place to be at the moment.

This left me more sad than anything, as Howard and Cameron, the two decent people in this story, are the ones that die.  Definitely an allegory for risking your life during the pandemic.

Very well-written and compliments to you on the plot turns.

AJR

Well written with a nice story. This goes on to show a horrid example of tit for tat. Or more properly put, that karma's a bitch.

Few typos spotted.

Quoted Text In the background, about a block behind them, there’s a commotion in front of the sore they just knocked off.

It's store not sore.

Quoted Text MASKED CASHIER (into phone) Hey, baby, I’ll be home in a little bit.

I think it should be little while not little bit.

Overall a solid story about Karma.

Good luck.

Quoted from Yuvraj I think it should be little while not little bit. ...

I usually try to restrain myself from commenting on other's comments but...

I feel the need to correct you on this Yuvraj, cause I notice you giving this same feedback on more than one script and it's incorrect.

Dialogue is just that. It's how a character talks.

More importantly, it's the writer's invention. He or she decides the character's voice, how his or her characters speak.

If the character has bad grammar, that's part of the character.

Quoted from LC I usually try to restrain myself from commenting on other's comments but... I feel the need to correct you on this Yuvraj, cause I notice you giving this same feedback on more than one script and it's incorrect. Dialogue is just that. It's how a character talks. More importantly, it's the writer's invention. He or she decides the character's voice, how his or her characters speak. If the character has bad grammar, that's part of the character.

Sorry to disagree.

But if something's wrong it is wrong. And especially grammar.

There is no easy escape by just saying that this how your character speaks.

But again, art is subjective.

Quoted Text Sorry to disagree. But if something's wrong it is wrong. And especially grammar. There is no easy escape by just saying that this how your character speaks. But again, art is subjective.

Opinions are opinions, but if something isn't wrong, it's highly incorrect to say it is.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/a%20little%20bit

Quoted from spesh2k Opinions are opinions, but if something isn't wrong, it's highly incorrect to say it is. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/a%20little%20bit

Thank you, Michel.

It is correct. My apologizes.

Quoted Text Thank you, Michel. It is correct. My apologizes.

*shrugs*

It's all good, man. But if the writer of this is new to screenwriting or kinda just starting out, it's probably best we don't misinform them.

-- Michael

Quoted from spesh2k *shrugs* It's all good, man. But if the writer of this is new to screenwriting or kinda just starting out, it's probably best we don't misinform them. -- Michael

*sighs*

I didn't do it intentionally. I respect art and the people involved in it.

Thanks again.

I enjoyed this script.

Obviously, the whole thing hinges on the twist(s). And, for the most part, it worked. I REALLY enjoyed the first one. But, it was less effective the second time.

But, I do like the underlying idea that EVERYONE is living on the edge right now.

Well done.

I enjoyed how this one picked up on a character and then went with him until another character was introduced, followed him, and so on. Felt bad for the poor sods, hehe, but good transition devices.

It's well written.
The plot is pretty intricate but not for me.
conveniently all thiefs met at the same time and same place. It's just a bit much for me.
But I went through comments and see that people really like it.
So, don't mind me, I'm the minority here.
Still it's good for what it is as the writing and pacing is all there.

There are a few things to really like about this Script. The writer knows their stuff.

I like the essentials angle - and what it throws up

I like the dynamic

I like that people do what they have to do to get buy

And in effect, that’s the message. In shit times, do what you can do - trust nobody etc

But perhaps that’s is the weakness - one dimension. Characters  come and go, and we don’t have time to care for them.

This has potential, but for me I could do with seeing the story lines cross over, confuse the scenario - eg the taxi driver, and the grocer or gun man were connected etc etc

Good work for the week

I buy that the pandemic is driving some people to do desperate things to feed their family, but the complete breakdown of social norms illustrated in this story requires, I think, some foundation building in the story's opening. Perhaps news reports of mass rioting, government breakdowns, or a deadlier mutation of the cornavirus. In any event, I think the story would be stronger if you concentrate on the actions of the Taxi Driver.  Maybe he spots the Masked Robbers committing their crime and decides to rip them off. He ends up killing them, but the lowlifes get what they deserved, and his family gets fed.

Well written, the writer knows their stuff. You makes a simple twist of fate and instant justice story flow off the page flawlessly.

I just don't quite buy this sudden deterioration into a world where there are so many armed robbers going on the rampage they end up bumping into each other on the job and bumping each other off. You just need to set this world up somehow so we buy into it more.

An excellent entry though.

Hey Michael,

Read this. Liked it. No other complaints except for some misspellings but it looks like it didn’t affect the director’s interest in the script. Lol. Good luck and congrats. Keep us posted on its progress.

Gabe

Quoted Text Hey Michael, Read this. Liked it. No other complaints except for some misspellings but it looks like it didn�t affect the director�s interest in the script. Lol. Good luck and congrats. Keep us posted on its progress. Gabe

Thanks, man. I really threw this one together pretty quickly, as I'm sure everyone else did with their's. Had somewhat of an idea for a premise but kinda just freestyled the actual script, spent maybe a half hour on it before submitting. Didn't get a chance to look through it until I already submitted and caught a lot of typos. I could tell the writing was rushed.

But I'm glad a director is interested. I knew that I wanted to get across the desperation -- I'd be lying if I hadn't thought about knocking off a grocery store at least once or twice during all of this lol... being out of work sucks. But, yeah, there's something menacing about going into a bodega late at night in the South Bronx and everybody's wearing masks... which is why I never liked Halloween in this neighborhood lol.

-- Michael

What about Washington Heights. Lol. Forget bodega how about a bank. Lmao.

We’ll get back to some sort of normalcy soon.

Gabe

Anywhere past 125th street after midnight lol.

Hoping we get back to normalcy sooner than later, dude.

-- Michael

I'm trying to finish up on the scripts I didn't get to.

So, we know Howard is in his late 40's, but we have no clue how old Darlene is, but she's breast feeding a baby, which seems rather odd for the wife of a guy nearing 50.

OK, no need for notes, I read it.

It has the vibe of a Tarantino story, moving from character to character, all of which die at the hands of people who are even worse than they are.

Although I like what you went for here, I also don't buy it for a second...or maybe I'm so far removed from what life is/could be like in the rough parts of the inner city.

It's too over the top for me, but it's definitely a job well done.

****

Quoted Text I'm trying to finish up on the scripts I didn't get to. So, we know Howard is in his late 40's, but we have no clue how old Darlene is, but she's breast feeding a baby, which seems rather odd for the wife of a guy nearing 50. OK, no need for notes, I read it. It has the vibe of a Tarantino story, moving from character to character, all of which die at the hands of people who are even worse than they are. Although I like what you went for here, I also don't buy it for a second...or maybe I'm so far removed from what life is/could be like in the rough parts of the inner city. It's too over the top for me, but it's definitely a job well done.

Thanks for reading. I kinda rushed through this really quickly, definitely should've given Darlene an age. I kinda just started writing with no game plan -- I really thought that the Cameron and Howard characters would be the main characters going in, which is why I named them and not the masked robbers -- looking back, I probably should've given them names, too, for consistency.

Inner city's not really that bad, at least where I am, I just felt like something bad should happen to the two robbers and that's what I came up with off the top of my head. Might consider giving it a rewrite to smooth things out a bit, give it more thought.

Thanks!

-- Michael

Quoted from spesh2k Thanks for reading. I kinda rushed through this really quickly, definitely should've given Darlene an age. I kinda just started writing with no game plan -- I really thought that the Cameron and Howard characters would be the main characters going in, which is why I named them and not the masked robbers -- looking back, I probably should've given them names, too, for consistency. Inner city's not really that bad, at least where I am, I just felt like something bad should happen to the two robbers and that's what I came up with off the top of my head. Might consider giving it a rewrite to smooth things out a bit, give it more thought. Thanks! -- Michael

For a quick rush job, this is well done.  Yeah, clean it up a bit, give us names and ages, and you're good to go.  The vibe is what it is and it's effective.

I'm very proud to announce that "The Essentials" has been picked up by Rocque Pictures Ltd, Kenya. This will be my 2nd produced film in a foreign language (both this year) and my 5th foreign film (both my feature films, award-winning "The Suicide Theory" and "Rage", are Australian productions, as is my award-nominated horror short, "The Dead Guy in the Trunk").

The film will be directed by accomplished Kenyan director, Njue Kevin, who's award-winning feature film, "18 Hours", won the 2018 Best Overall Movie in Africa (AMVCA). This category had never seen a Kenyan film be nominated, and so marked history as the first Kenyan film to be nominated and win in the history of the awards.

Njue became the first Kenyan filmmaker to be listed on the Forbes Africa under 30 list 2019 (Creatives).

Production will begin pretty soon, within the next 4 weeks.

Thanks again to everyone who read and commented. And a special thanks to Simply Scripts for hosting these monthly, one-week challenges. I never would've written it without participating in the challenge, which saw some excellent talent on display and some really great scripts that are much more worthy of being filmed.

Anyway, as cool as it always is to get work produced, I'm still more excited about getting that glorious, super sweet fucking mug in the mail.

-- Michael

Pretty damn impressive, Michael - Congrats again and best of luck!
~John

Hey, that's fantastic, Michael - congratulations!

AJR

I laughed at your mug comment. Couldn't have said it any better myself.

Congrats, Michael!

Congrats!  Awesome, Bro!

It's a neat little script.

Brilliant news

Well done