SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is July 4th, 2020, 5:03pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
The Writer's Tournament is on!

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  We'll Make It Through - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    We'll Make It Through - May OWC  (currently 414 views)
Don
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 10:38am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13846
Posts Per Day
1.95
We'll Make It Through by ?- Short, Drama - A husband and wife deal with the effects of the pandemic as they go through a day at home. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  May 16th, 2020, 11:34pm
Logged
Site Private Message
JEStaats
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1027
Posts Per Day
0.72
New writer here, I believe. Not much of a story and your logline is true to the mark: just another day at home.

A few takeaways for you:
- You have unnecessary direction that will take the reader away from the story. Leave direction, lighting, camera angles, etc. to the Director. You're just the writer.
- Very passive writing. Instead of 'drinking, watching, sitting, etc.', a man is seated on the sofa. He drinks a beer and watches TV.
- Read your dialogue aloud. Does it sound natural?
- Read as many entries as you can. You'll learn a lot.
- Prepare for some critical reviews.

Congrats on taking part in the OWC. We look forward to seeing you around.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 25
eldave1
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5803
Posts Per Day
2.68
Okay - I'm going to digest the hell out of your opening two scenes.

This:


Quoted Text
EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY

We see a nondescript ranch-style house in an equally
nondescript suburban neighborhood on an unusually quiet
spring afternoon. The only sounds we hear are the gentle
wind blowing and birds chirping. As we DOLLY IN, a car
enters frame from the left and pulls into the driveway.


Is very inefficient. It can be crispier by:

Eliminating all the we sees and camera directions - they are not needed and you kind of know that since there are used haphazardly. Sometimes you just write what is happening and sometimes you default to the we sees.

Use you header to save space/lines. Move "Ranchhouse to the header and then you don't need to repeat it.

Avoid stuff like non-descript - it really means nothing.

There is no need for ESTABLISHING. All you need is something like:

EXT. SUBURBAN RANCH STYLE HOUSE - DAY

Sunny and breezy. Quiet, other than the CHIRPING of birds.

A car pulls into the driveway.


Perhaps not that exactly - but the point is you can boil this down to two lines.

Apply an efficiency principle (convey as much as you can with as few words as you can) to your writing and you'll be better off.

The story itself is lacking. There is no oomph to it and it plays out like a scene in a larger story. The tricks to shorts is to write a story with a beginning, middle and end.

Hope this helps. Kudos on entering.




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Online
Private Message Reply: 2 - 25
Gary Howell
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 9:10pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Texas
Posts
950
Posts Per Day
0.34
Well, I can't wait for Jeff to turn up for this one.

Look, this is not bad writing at all, if it were a novel.  But it's reading that way.  Way too wordy for a script.  Too much description.  You're telling us everything to the smallest detail, and it's really not that important that we know all that.

There's also not really a story here, at least not as it's currently situated. It's just them reassuring each other that everything's going to be okay.  Not really any conflict, no sense of urgency, no resolution to a problem.  That may be what everyday life is like in a pandemic, but it doesn't mean it makes for an interesting story.

Okay -- now that I've gotten that out of the way, let me just say that it's obvious you can write.  You have the chops for sure.  But use those chops to give us condensed writing that is colorful and to the point.  I think you can be very successful at it if you do.  Best of luck.


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 25
Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 8:49am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2529
Posts Per Day
0.78
Hi

I guess you are probably aware of the difference between your submission and the others by now, well I f you’ve been reading. Which I highly recommend you do, both for format, but also structure. Even a short should, usually, have a start a middle and end.

This story is a gentle, warm tale, of a couple appreciating the difficulties they face, how they react differently, and that together they can reassure each other. It’s nice that it avoids the blame game and hysterics that some would go for.

But to keep us focused, it needs conflict and tension. This can be between them, or what they face, or both. Can they pull through. Does one of them behave differently? Etc etc

There are threads  on this Discussion board about scripting format which I would recommend.

A few other pointers;

Only describe what we can see, but quickly.

Characters are often defined by what they do, how they react or what they wear. Eg if the man was dressed in a short skirt, that would give us a different message to butt naked Use these to convey your story.

Avoid the ‘we see’ - you just need to describe the scene and action

Short scripts need a twist, a pay off. What couldn’t we see coming, or may have been in doubt.

If there is one thing for certain, a OWC tends to be a fast way to learn.

Best of luck


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 25
Rob
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 9:09am Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
36
Posts Per Day
0.06
I like the small implications in this script--the man has taken up drinking and the woman worries about her mother in a nursing home. The characters reassure each other, but maybe they aren't truly convinced. The events are small-scale but there is something beneath the surface.

I think the first page can be sharpened with fewer words and directions. It's jam packed with verbiage right now.

We all feel like these characters right now.

Best of luck.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 25
spesh2k
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 10:56am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Harlem USA
Posts
747
Posts Per Day
0.17
Okay, so I can tell that the writer is pretty new to this. Which is totally fine, you gotta start somewhere. I won't comment on the writing too much as I'm sure examples have been pointed out. It is overwritten, specifically the description. I'm not super against using "we see", but it is frowned upon. And you open with a "we see" and then continue to use it often throughout. We're seeing what you're describing, so it's kinda redundant and unnecessary. And your action blocks should be broken up -- I usually break them by focus of action.

The story itself was pretty mundane... nothing interesting really happens. Which is kinda what life is like right now, in general. But even on a boring day, this would still be considered pretty mundane. Taking a leak would be more memorable (if it were me).

My biggest issue, however, was the dialogue. It's very on the nose, pretty much just providing context -- we already know there's a pandemic and we know that grocery stores are running low on food, things are getting canceled, etc. And that's pretty much all they talk about. And the dialogue at the end mentions the title like 3 times in a row in dialogue. Sounds really forced.

Some specific bits of dialogue I had problems with...


Quoted Text
WOMAN
(exhausted)
Absolutely crazy. I'm amazed I was
able to find as much as I did.
Hardly anyone was social
distancing. Good thing I remembered
to put my mask on.

MAN
There will always be people like
that, pandemic or not. I don't
understand it either.


What's he talking about? There will always be people who don't practice social distancing and, even if there wasn't a pandemic? I'm sure if there wasn't a pandemic, there wouldn't be social distancing.


Quoted Text
MAN
I swear, you make the best homemade
chicken tenders I've ever had.

WOMAN
Considering that chicken was pretty
much the only meat I could get,
that's quite a statement.


Her response makes no sense. You're forcing in information to provide us with context. I don't understand how the fact that there was only chicken at the grocery store makes his compliment "quite the statement". He's telling her she makes he best homemade CHICKEN tenders he's ever had. If they were made with a vegan substitute w/ out him knowing, that'd be quite the statement.

Everything being said, it's still a nice effort at coming up with something on such short notice. Best of luck.

-- Michael


MY FEATURE FILMS:

THE SUICIDE THEORY (79% Rotten Tomato Score, Available on Amazon Prime, Itunes, Google Play, Youtube, etc) - https://youtu.be/5eaXXOKJvtg

RAGE (coming late 2020/early 2021) - https://vimeo.com/402447622

Check out my latest horror script, HONEY MUSTARD - https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-horror/m-1585433547/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 25
khamanna
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 11:10am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3518
Posts Per Day
0.89
Hmm, there's an anonymity requirement. it's easier to judge entries this way.

Please ask the mods to take out your name from the main page as well
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-0520/m-1589645233/

I go through scripts by that page.

Anywho, a night of recollections which is good.
Camera directions should be lost perhaps.
And better give names to your characters I think. That shows your attachment to characters and makes us care for them a bit more.
I wish he didn't dump his mother in the nursing home. When did he do that? That part is unclear to me.
Otherwise this needs a bit of cleaning. Maybe you could pick that up from reading other scripts.
The passages are dense and a bit overwritten, too.
Story works though.
Logged Online
Private Message Reply: 7 - 25
ajr
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 11:11am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1364
Posts Per Day
0.35
Hey, writer -

So I'm not going to comment on what's been said above, because it's all true. I'm going to say two things - one, I commend you for the spirit and the message of this script, which actually touched me more than any script I've read here yet, and I'm a fair ways through already. "We'll Make it Through."

The second thing I'll say is that everything you describe or show has to serve that theme. The part where they are in bed and they list all the things they've been through together? Perhaps lead with that. The other three pages were ordinary things that could happen on ordinary days. So you need to describe the EXTRAordinary. Zero in on their marriage. The guilt that the wife feels for putting her mom in the home. And their LOVE. Zero in on love in the time of COVID, and write the shit out of that. And you will have a good, filmable script.

Hope this helps -

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 25
Grandma Bear
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6788
Posts Per Day
1.50

Quoted from khamanna
Hmm, there's an anonymity requirement. it's easier to judge entries this way.

Please ask the mods to take out your name from the main page as well

The decision was to let it slide, but let others decide if they care to read or not.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 25
_ghostwriters
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1021
Posts Per Day
0.25
Ok, not here to pile on.

A rule of thumb we try to adhere to: make your reader read down the page, not across.

Also, Khamanna made a great point.  Give them a name.

The main thing is this lacked conflict...but I kinda liked what you wrote so far because this has the potential to be a feel-good story WITH a genuine heart.

Ohh and welcome to the community.  Don't worry. A lot of new posters are subjected to this kind of baptism of fire. Think of it as a Frat Bros, or sorority -- pledge type thing. Take the few hefty buttock whackings and move on.

Great job on entering.-A


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 25
LC
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 9:42pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
4223
Posts Per Day
0.98
The sentiment of the script definitely shines through so I hope you'll stick with us.

Screenwriting is a whole different ballgame to other types of writing. At the moment you're making some rookie mistakes (we've all made them when starting out) which others have elaborated on so I won't join the throng.

A couple of SS links FYI:

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-cc/m-1124159895/

And, I recommend this:

How Not to Write a Screenplay: 101 Common Mistakes Most Screenwriters Make
Book by Denny Martin Flinn


Lots of helpful writers on SS. Pick their brains.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 25
Yuvraj
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 3:04am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


COUP DE GRACE

Location
Down the lane
Posts
196
Posts Per Day
1.06
This one is pretty naive.

Few problems sighted:

1) Too much camera directions. I have never read a script with DOLLY IN/DOLLY OUT directions in it. That's too specific. Better not to write the directions at all.

2) Blocky actions.

3) I don't know why the characters are referred to as MAN and WOMAN rather than proper names. It won't affect the story at all.

4) Dialogs seem to be pretty off-track with...


Quoted Text

MAN
You know, know matter how long this lasts, I want want you to know that we will make it through.


...typos as well.

5) Also, I don't understand the purpose/concept of the story. It's pretty ineffective.

But practice will make you perfect.

Good luck.



Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 25
PKCardinal
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 5:42pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Kansas
Posts
754
Posts Per Day
0.81
So, you have a strong theme. You know exactly what the point of your story is, and that's a great start.

Now, you have to ask yourself... what specific actions/story beats will highlight the need to convey this message? That is, you need to stress one of your characters to the point that another of your characters is COMPELLED to deliver your message.

As it sits, it's just a lovely message that her husband probably delivers to her every night. Which is nice, don't get me wrong. But, it's not enough to carry this story on its own.



I'm happy that you entered. It takes guts to do so. But, it takes even more guts to stick with things and apply the notes you've been given.

I hope that you'll take everyone's great advice and apply it. You'll make fast progress if you do. I'd particularly encourage you to fully incorporate ElDave's advice specifically. Apply what he showed you to every action block and watch your script come to life. I promise it works.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 25
Spqr
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Posts
317
Posts Per Day
0.07
The husband drinks a beer. The wife brings home the groceries. Then they have dinner and commiserate with each other over the ordeal they're dealing with. While this couple is probably typical, it would have been stronger dramatically by going with an atypical couple.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 25
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    May, 2020 Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006